Unstable stepdaughter continues and "runs away"
So the disrespect continues. She REFUSES to enter the house after I pick her up from "practice"... oh yeah, there was no track practice she stayed at the school two hours and did not use the coaches phone because he left after she talked to him and asked him if there was practice... see that? Yeah, spoke to the coach face-to-face in the school. She said the office was closed at 4:10 pm.. the office stays open until 4:30 pm... so she was in trouble.
She tells me she has "freedom of speech" and will say whatever she wants to me. I tell her to go in the house without a disrespectful comment and she tells me NO that I am disrespectful to HER. My SICK infant has to sit OUTFUCKINGSIDE while I deal with this ungrateful, disrespectful, spiteful little shit.
I tell her go inside and clean your room. She refuses and wants to go to neighbor house and "I won't go in that house with you" she says...and she gets to go to the neighbor's house. I am on phone with neighbor and she screams to give her the phone so she can tell them HER side. There is no SIDE little girl, you're being a disrespectful child, period. She gets what she wants and they take her and listen to "her side".
She criiiiies to the neighbor that she's sooooorry and luuuuvs me... she comes home when DH gets home and tells her to get her ass to the house. She says oh yes daaaaaddy. She refuses to be in the room with me, glares at me, and ignores me.
This morning the same thing. She took her tooth brush, tooth paste, clothes, bras, socks, brush, deodorant (which is amazing since she doesn't use it), and makeup. SO, her next little power and drama play is to run away.
I, however, am not playing her little game. I'll call the cops and report her and send her to juvi. She "cuts" by scratching her stupid arm with a toothpick ...and cries all over the place to anyone she can showing them her "cuts").
She wrote all over her arms "I hate myself" "I am going to kill myself" "No one loves me".
She would not stop.
This morning, she left 15 min early and did not speak to me. I hope she doesn't come home I really do. I hope the cops go get her and drag her ass to Juvi.
I have completely emptied her room except for plain t-shirts, school attire polo shirts and school attire pants, white socks, white underwear, and white bras, books, and an old comforter not the $400 set I got her for Christmas.
She said she doesn't have to do what I say, she said the words "you're the only one that can't control me". She made it blatantly obvious she has no respect for me and she thinks she is my equal as an adult. SO - she can have water and PB&J sandwiches for dinner.
She can do chores to buy privileges or sit in her room with nothing. All the name brand clothes I buy her in bags in my room. She can earn them back by speaking to me like a human being.
-- I raised this kid. I'm "Mom". Dad is supportive, we're on the same page, and he's stepping up big time now and she's on full "mental illness lockdown" and cannot do anything without his direct supervision and if he's not home, she sits in her room waiting for him to get home. She is off the track team and grounded longy time.
Waiting until bus comes to see if she has the balls to "run away". I even told the crisis counselor she would do this next to make people chase her and pity her and beg her to come home. Not doing it. I said she'd do this next when we stopped fawning over the "cutting" and told her to just stop SCRATCHING.
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Yep. Take her to the police
Yep. Take her to the police station / ER when she gets home and let her know how serious this is.
Do as you are doing.
We recently cleared SS's room of most of his goods as well. It's been since March and he's stopped asking his Dad when he can have his things back. He was asking for them daily when he would realize there was something he "needed". Now he doesn't even ask and he understands that he is to go to his room to do his homework each night and that DH will check it when it's done.
End of story.
Weekend is for yard work, and cleaning.
End of story. Fun time and disrespect is over for this kid who thinks private school is a right, good grades are optional, saying "i don't know what I have for homework" is perfectly acceptable. Not anymore kido!
UPDATE: She went to the
UPDATE:
She went to the neighbors house and dropped her bags there and ate and had them take her to school and said she's staying with them because SHE needs a break from ME!
Once again, SD13 WINS. She said she would not go in the house with me and was going to the neighbors and they were going to "hear her side"... she got it. She demanded Daddy "hear her side" ...she got it. What SIDE??? I said "stop being disrespectful" and she continued to be disrespectful. Holy fuck...
SO now SD13 has "ran away". I spoke to the neighbor and agreed to pack her shit (school attire and plain T-shirts only) and SD13 is going to live with them for a week. She will have no computer and no phone there and no TV in her room. She will not be allowed to return home for the week.
I'm contemplating extending it until the end of the school year. She wants to make little power plays, let her live with the consequences. She "won" so she thinks, but she actually just fucked herself big time because I'm honestly done with her bullshit jealousy crap.
I took everything out of her room. When I ALLOW her to return home, she will earn each and every item back.
How do you know the neighbor
How do you know the neighbor will really with hold computer, phone and tv?
I give you credit for raising
I give you credit for raising this skid, but it's also refreshing to hear that DH is supporting you! My SD was a complete little asshole and PAS'd by Swamp Hole. During it all, I was alone. But in the end, DH ended up telling her to not visit our home any longer since she was unable to follow our house rules.
When SD12 would run away, she
When SD12 would run away, she would call Swamp Hole to get her on a near by street. When the Judge told her to stop rescuing the lust nugget, she had relatives and friends pick her up near our house and they plea to the Judge she wasn't involved.
The Judge reamed out the friend who picked her up (she had to testify during the trial) and said she had no business getting involved and for dropping her off at Swamp Holes home with no adult supervision (the friend is also Swamp Holes neighbor).
Outsiders need to back off when it comes to parenting.
When my SS17 was starting to
When my SS17 was starting to go off the rails, he had convinced a school friend that we were horrible ogres. Friend told his mom the "situation" and of course, friend's mom wanted to RESCUE SS.
SS felt this was the best idea EVAR!!!! So much so that, friend's mom called my DH to talk about the idea of her being SS's foster parent.
My DH - being the guy he is, invited this woman over to our house. She and her husband and brother came over. My DH sat them down on the sofa, and EXPLAINED the whole situation. Never once did my DH say "nope you can't take him". But after giving a more honest accounting of the escalating and horrific behaviors that we were dealing with, he looked at friend's mom and says "Are you still wanting to take this on?"
She says - "no. I was in no way understanding the truth of the situation." Then she offered to pray for us. and they left.
I get it when people feel the need to RESCUE kids from "horrible" situations. I just wish that do-gooders would try and talk to the parents (Ogres) involved BEFORE telling the kids they will save them.
Might be time for you and your DH to have a long conversation with your neighbors.
Maybe a week with the neighbors is what she needs, but it should be up to your DH and you, to make that call not a CHILD.
Is the kid still getting counseling? She doesn't seem to be making any progress - have you/your DH considered a more intense program to help this kid?
I agree that she needs a
I agree that she needs a residential placement. Or actually I probably would have just reported her as a runaway and said she refused to come home and she can have her residential stay in detention. if you proceed with letting her stay at her neighbors-I might actually be tempted to turn her room into some thing else-a craft room, office, etc and tell her that since she decided to not stay with you any longer you felt free to use the room as you liked. Maybe a cot in the dining room or something would work for her when she returns!
The neighbors really need to
The neighbors really need to be made a non factor in this situation. Either they need to be explained they will receive consequences for interfering in the parenting of this child (harboring a runaway) or that they are doing her no favors and willingly remove themselves "Sorry dear time to go deal with your own family" *shut door in kids face*
Every time that kid isn't where she's supposed to be (including the neighbors) daddy needs to be calling the cops.
SD13 is most certainly
SD13 is most certainly pulling power over me. She told the psychiatrist at the mental hospital she was at that her "trigger" was she would cut herself and want to kill herself if she got in trouble at home and called out and accused of lying (it's so fucking obvious when she's lying about something too).
Now, she uses "I'll CUUUUT" (scratch with a toothpick or a screw or the top of a pencil FFS), she says that she's "medically depressed and suicidal and broken", and yes, she writes out three pages of her "definition of depression" and copy/pastes it to everyone she knows. Now, this is the second time she left home against parental orders to be home. First time, she went to a friend's house after school...and she told that woman she did it after I told her NO because SHE WAS AFRAID TO GO HOME. W...T...FFFFF....?????
I'm telling the neighbors to keep her until the end of school or I will look up her "abusive" BM's address and drop her ass of there.
I am starting to realize all these claims of verbal and physical abuse by BM are probably complete bullshit. She says this shit about different people to other groups of people for the pity and attention.
I'm done. I raised this little borderline brat best I could. Never called her bad names and never smacked her (sort of wish we did give her a pop or two now...).
We're meeting with the neighbors today and she will stay there or with her mother or with her maternal grandparents. I hope she goes to BMs because they backhand their kids and if she opens that "freedom of speech" disrespectful mouth at BM's husband, he'll smack her so fast her head will spin.
Oh, she writes "no one loves me" and "I hate myself too" and "I cut myself because of you" and other dumb ass things and leaves them laying around. She wrote this pitiful "I'm so abused" bullshit life story and at the end wrote "and yeah, I cut, I cut a lot, I cry myself to sleep every night of my life, I want to die because of you".
Borderline much???
ETA: So everyone does see this is her power plays, not just me seeing this. She will pull "cutting" and now Running away if I DARE call her out on her BS lies, her BS sex shit with her boyfriend, or deny her anything at all. She thinks she is a woman in my house with equal rights and I owe her respect (SHE ACTUALLY SAID THIS!!!!!!)
ETA: I have removed EVERYTHING from her room except the bed and her books. IF I allow her to live here, she'll eat sandwiches and koolaide unless she EARNS something better.
Next time, I will call the cops and send her to Juvi. I was going to this time but neighbor begged me to let her stay there. She will be an angel for them.
Oh and she doesn't want to ride the bus and has been getting them to drive her behind my back too.
IMO, this skid has two
IMO, this skid has two parents. Neighbors and grandparents have no business in raising this skid. It sounds like you and DH have hit your limit after all these years and rightfully so. I would not wait until "next time" for police or Juvi. If your unable to do it this time, you may be kidding yourself that you will follow through.
Involving everyone else just causes more drama and skid drives the wagon.
Like I said, this skid has two parents. I would pack the skid up and bring her to her BM's home. Done.
Make her room into a special room for yourself.
BM's not involved for years
BM's not involved for years more than random very infrequent phone text or call. I've raised her with DH, so her being fucked up is partially our fault. Her major issues is with me and her jealousy over the baby because I am with him all day every day and enjoy being with him and doing things.
She recently (ON THE DAY MY BABY WAS BORN COINCIDENTALLY) made abuse allegations against BM. She said all her life BM has beat her and called her fat, ugly, whore since she was five years old. She said BM verbally abused her on Skype that night that she stayed at my in-laws house while I was in labor/delivery. She had the whole family around the table listening to her "disclose the years of severe mental abuse"...
BM may be some things, but I've never once heard any insinuation of her ever being abusive toward SD13. In fact, she talks to her too babytalky when she finally shows up.
SD13 made allegations of sexual abuse against BM's exBF and the allegations are that it occurred during the brief period of time that BM took visitation about eight years ago when SD13 was in first grade.
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She will not be allowed to visit us and will not be allowed to come home until the last day of school lets out. She's grounded over there and when she gets home, she's grounded here. She thought she would "run away" and get us to chase her and pity her, but she failed. She thought she would priss and sneak herself out of the house and run away and she would grace us by returning after a few days, but nope. Stay gone.
Yes, the next time she threatens suicide or runs away, I will call the cops and have them come get her and take her. I had the phone ready and the number written down. DH is fully aware that this is a set-in-stone plan. I say "when" because once a child thinks she is the adult's equal and actually says "you're the only one that cannot control me" and blatantly says she has no respect for me or I have no authority any more, you know that child is going to cry suicide/cutting/runaway again if you make her mad.
If (when) she runs away again she is definitely going to Juvi I will refuse to take her when the cops try to bring her to me. I did work in social work so I know what happens and how it goes. I know they try to pressure the parent and threaten the parent with neglect charges if the parent doesn't take the child into the home, but I also know it's just a category title and no actual legal charges and that if I refuse because she has threatened me and threatened suicide repeatedly, then they will have to take her into custody.
She is at the end of her little attention-seeking run. The "I cuuuut myself awwwww" and "I'll just kill myself waaaah" crap is over. She will not have a phone or internet again for a very very long time. She cannot go anywhere to any friend's houses because gosh she could hurt herself and get into their medicine cabinets or something. Her room is stripped bare with nothing but a bed and a blanket in there.
I know this makes me a look really bad, but I'm so glad she's gone for the month. Her problems are bad and she's messed up because of those problems, I know it; I know part of it is my fault, being a stepmother I did the best I could to fill the mother role for her and I did/do love her, but you know it's not the same no matter how hard you try.
I don't think your bad at
I don't think your bad at all. I had to put up with my SD14 for 7 years until DH told her she could no longer come to our home. Swamp Hole PAS'd her completely, SD felt she was the Alpha female in our home, bullied her brothers, destroyed property, disrespectful etc. So I understand your feeling of relief.
I guess I just don't understand why you and DH are involving the neighbor and if you can really be sure the neighbor will follow through on your requests.
I think if she doesn't have a great relationship with BM and thinks life is "greener on the other side" because life with you and DH is horrible, then maybe she needs to experience that at BM's and or Juvi now.
SD is going to her neighbors because she wants to and going for a month. Something like that is a vacation from you, in her mind. It's just my opinion, the bottom line...you know the situation better than any of us on here, so please don't feel judged, I empathize with you.
Thanks, I don't feel judged,
Thanks, I don't feel judged, I'm just so frustrated. I really didn't know what to do, even though I did work as a foster care case manager for a couple years with teens it was simpler when they weren't mine and it was if they ran, cops->Juvi, period.
The neighbor was involved because she ran to their house and dropped off her stuff there and said she was staying three days. They begged me to let her stay the week since it's TCAPS week at school and the Traaaaumaa of "fighting with me" was toooo muuuuuch for darling to bear. Fight? You mean when I said "SD13 STOP. Walk in the house without a disrespectful or hateful comment." and she said "freedom of speech" "you need to respect MEEEE".
I was really upset. My baby had a MRSA infection on his toe, a fever, had just got four shots in his legs for vaccinations, and I had to sit in the front yard with the little princess as she refused to enter the house "with yooouuuuuu" and continued her shitty bitchy behavior.
I said she wouldn't dictate when she came home. However, she dictated where she would go Monday afternoon when she flipped her hair and went to the neighbors until DH got home. She dictated she refused to speak to me Monday night. She dictated she would run away to stay the week with the neighbors...
This is the second time she defied me and "ran away" and snuck to do it thinking I wouldn't know where she was. She did that intentionally to make me scared and worried, to "punish" and "payback" me.
There will be a next time because that's what borderlines do. However, I have the police number in my contacts list now and if she "runs away" again, I will call the cops and I will refuse to take her in my house when they try to bring her home. I will say she is a danger to self or others and needs to be taken into custody, because it would be true. And if she's ran to the neighbor, the cops will drag her ass out of their house.
I'm not saying this out of anger. This is what will have to happen regardless of how sad it makes me.