When is enough, enough?
So what do you do when you feel like your whole world is falling apart? What do you do when you are looking for a reason to stay but you cannot find a good enough reason? Yet, going is hard to do.
How do you walk away and live with, I failed, not once, but twice? When do you decide it’s time? How do you know which straw is the last one?
I thought we would be the exception, and we were, sort of for six years: a blended family with his and her kids- teenagers nonetheless. But, I haven’t been happy and I haven’t been happy in a long time, content… maybe? I can’t even say that for sure.
Is it possible to outgrow each other in six to eight years? Since we have been together, I have earned my Associates degree, Bachelors degree, and am working on two Masters degrees, one of which I will have finished very soon. Meanwhile, he has remained with the same company for like 25 years and he doesn't have a college degree.
I know it is certainly possible for the kids to drive a wedge between us and that has certainly been the case. His kids can do no wrong and have no consequences, meanwhile, mine are always at fault. I just don't think I can do this anymore.
So I am left with nothing but questions… anyone have answers?
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Comments
I can't possibly lower my
I can't possibly lower my standard's anymore. He has yelled and screamed at my kids for years, has called them names intermittently, even when I demanded he stop. I just can't lower my standards anymore.
I have tried to keep the peace with his kids. I try to ask them about school, help them register for classes. They only talk to me when they need something, usually money. I am at the point now, that I just don't talk to my stepkids or my husband.
"What I did do was put my
"What I did do was put my foot down about the comparisons with the kids. My DH used to be the KING of comparing SS to my BS13. And quite frankly, I had enough of it, since I *never* compare the kids. It's not fair to compare people who are different in alot of things, and were raised in entirely two different ways.
I told my DH that he's not allowed to do it anymore. If I can't be a total parent with SS, he can't have an opinion about my BS13 anymore. No criticisms, no comparisons, and about the only thing he's allowed to do is what I'm allowed to do. Quick on the spot corrections, tell me if something bothers DH, that's IT."
^^^^THANK YOU^^^^ DTZYBLND!! You really turned the light bulb on for me. Thank you for your wisdom and thoughts on this, I really appreciate it
It is hard. I always turn to
It is hard. I always turn to the guru that is Cameron Diaz and her line that we are not meant to be with someone forever, but to be with someone while it is right then move on to the next mr. right!
I stuck by my ex for 6 years, with a 1 year break when I escaped, but I was stupid and got dragged back in for an extra year. My experience tells me to go with your brain AND heart. I would have stayed for my BS6 sake, but having left I am so much better off and so is BS6. My ex is now looking at jail, and I have had a year to get on my feet, instead of scrambling when he goes down.
Even now, I sometimes think "what if", but I think if you have enough concerns you are considering leaving, you need to take those concerns very seriously.
I blamed the skids initially, and he used them to hurt me when we split (they never liked you), but guess what, I get on with skids fine now, and realize ex was the one turning them against me (the quiet sneak to their room "SM made me punish you" when it was not true) not the BM. BM and I are now trying to make sure the kids have contact if he goes to jail.
You ultimately have to do what is right for you. Me and BS6 are closer now than ever - because I am happier. Even though I have nothing (he kept everything) and I am struggling to make ends meat, me and BS are close and he is happy here, because I am happy.
You have to look at what
You have to look at what makes you happy - not every single minute of every day - but overall.
It's not about education. I have a degree and a phi beta kappa key from a top women's college associated with a great university. I have an MBA from the top business school in the world. My DH doesn't have a degree. It doesn't mean a thing. He's very intelligent. Just not as overeducated as I am.
A second "failure" means nothing. I've seen way too many friends stay too long in a BAD 2nd marriage just for that reason. One of my close friends had been divorced 4 times before she was 40. She's now been married to her 5th husband for 20 years.
It doesn't matter how many "failures" you have before you finally get it right. My DH had 4 divorces (2 wives) before me. Believe me - I am the best thing that ever happened to him.
I've only had one marriage but I applied this to the many relationships and many jobs that I've had. Do I hate to get up in the morning? If so - time to move on.
I am really trying to look at
I am really trying to look at what is best for me and my girls.
I know it is not about education. I, too have a PTK and PBK key. I just feel like sometimes, I can't connect and we don't have the same interests anymore. I work in higher ed, so I am deeply involved in education, and he doesn't get it. I can't think of anything significant we have in common except maybe liking the same musical artist.
I don't want to be the girl who has had 2, 3, 4 marriages. If this doesn't work, I will NOT, mark my words, remarry again until I am 60! (and I am not yet 40).
It's called the seven year
It's called the seven year itch!
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/games-primates-play/201202/the-seven...
But I have been unhappy long
But I have been unhappy long before this... we have been married for six, living together for about eight years.
I read the article, it is interesting and somehow, might be true to an extent.
Sadly, my first marriage ended after about 7-8 years... but that's because he cheated on me with the babysitter. Wierd enough, we (my ex and I) are friends now.
Would you be happier and
Would you be happier and would life be easier if you left? I had thought about leaving my DH several times, until I really sat down and thought about what was going on. It wasn't anything that he had done directly. It was all of the crap that being married to him brought into my life. I realized that if I had left, I would not be happier or better off. The only thing that it would have accomplished would be for me to be more unhappy but along with that DH would be unhappy and so would my kids. That is what I think about when I am upset now.
You make a good argument.
You make a good argument. But, I think my answer is yes and partly no. Would I be happier, I think so. Would my kids be happier, yes. Would life be easier, in some regards yes and some regards no.
It is the arguing about the kids that is killing me inside. It is the unfair treatment, the rudeness, the inequality amongst the kids that is killing me. His kids can do NO wrong, while mine are always at fault. Mine do ALL the chores, while his do none.
Might I worry about finances if I were on my own, sure. Would there be less chaos, absolutely.
I am so torn.