trying to let go of resentment
I have a toxic amount of resentment for my dh's exwife. After they divorced in 2001 (a handwritten DIY divorce with no attorneys on either side) she moved from the NY area to Texas-- the kids were 8 and 10. My husband was forced to buy 4 sets of plane tickets a year to go on seeing his kids (in addition to paying support) and wound up hopelessly in debt. She just thought she could do anything she wanted. She has also been incredibly, mind-boggling dismissive of him as a parent and constantly portrays herself as a martyr. Reading one of her emails to him is like getting kicked in the teeth-- she knows everything and he can f*ck himself. After 12 years, they are still not able to communicate like normal people and the kids have really paid. When I think about it, I am so overwhelmed with rage that I can't think straight. I try to just separate myself and not let it get to me... but I've just never been someone who can ignore injustice, and I hate this woman with a burning passion.
- bronx mom's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
Now that the skids are older
Now that the skids are older (20 and 22?), how is his relationship with them? Is there a reason they're still communicating directly with each other now?
I know it really sucks to let it go .. but sometimes it's all you CAN do to maintain your own sanity. Have you tried therapy/counseling?
They are 18 and 20. The 20 yo
They are 18 and 20. The 20 yo lived with us this year and the mom just couldn't understand why this would mean DH would no longer has to send child support for him, since she is paying for his phone. (Support in NYS goes until 21, a benefit she can claim even though she relocated.) The 18yo is going to an expensive private college in NYC getting a degree in drama even though I happen to work at an expensive private college with an excellent drama program she could attend for free-- yet the ex wife is threatening to take us to court to get him to pay for her college and dorm even though last year he earned less than 40K. It just feels like it will never end...
His relationship with them is good. But mine is becoming strained. The 20yo lived with us in a separate apartment we made for him and never thanked, expected dinner every night etc. He is the one who left the cat behind. He went back to spend the summer at his mom's, which she encouraged because then my husband will have to go back to paying child support for him until he turns 21. I'm starting to hate them all.
I feel like I've heard horror
I feel like I've heard horror stories about NY custody cases and child support. Is it standard in NY for parents to be obligated to pay college tuition? That's definitely NOT the case in my state (MD).
What's your DH's stand on this? How did he handle the situation with the free-loader 20yo?
It is fairly standard (and I
It is fairly standard (and I think ridiculous and unconstitutional) in NY, NJ and I think MA. In this case, my Dh simply can't afford it, and neither he nor his ex went to college, so it probably wouldn't happen... but it's enough of a scare to make you nervous and, if you tend to be anxious, ruin your peace of mind. Plus it's fueled her horrifying entitlement, since she consulted with an unscrupulous atty who told her the judge won't care if he can't afford it and will order him to take out loans.
Regarding the freeloading 20yo... my DH is afraid to say peep to him. He is carrying a lot of guilt for not "being there" for them when they were younger.
If the skids live in Texas
If the skids live in Texas they take jurisdiction. I'd file some amendment in the state of TX, their cut off is 18 or HS Graduation.
Sometimes, for me, it helps
Sometimes, for me, it helps to step back from the situation as much as possible. Even though you want to be supportive of your husband, if it's burning you up so much to read the nasty emails and such, remove yourself from that. I often think how I'm sure BM has no idea how much brain-time I waste thinking and agonizing over all the dumb shit she does and says. Why am I wasting so much of my energy?
When I have forced myself to not communicate with BM, or read her texts to DH, etc, I feel SO MUCH BETTER, in general.
One thing that also helps me when I'm stressing and agonizing and burning mad about something she did or said, I write it on a piece of paper. Then I say "Okay, is there anything that I can do to change this?" Most of the time it's a big fat no. We cannot change the way that BM acts, feels, or says, or what she's done in the past, or what DH has done in the past, etc. What I CAN change is the way I react to it. Let go of the things I cannot change about the situation.
It's hard. The way relationships work, we're not SUPPOSED to like our SO's ex...they're an "ex" for a reason, and we hear all the bad things about them...it's not a wonder when that is compounded with touchy situations regarding child support and visitation and when the ex acts like a freaking idiot, that it builds our hatred.
Sometimes it seems hate has more energy than love. Focus on the things you love, as much as you can.
I feel for you, Bronx Mom. My
I feel for you, Bronx Mom. My DH also did the DIY divorce in NYC and basically has the bare minimum of rights.
I resent his exwife because she is lazy and a snake, and yet her children think she is MOTY and can do no wrong. She has done so many sneaky things, and has yet to attend one of the kids sporting events this whole year, yet she has full custody. We do all the heavy lifting, she gets all the credit.
I have pulled back a lot to save my sanity. As much as I love my husband, I am tired of making things easier for her, while we struggle.
Anyway, I am sorry to hijack. I just want to let you know you are not alone in this.