O/T- FDH wants to have a quickie wedding ceremony at his father's deathbed. I love him but I wanted a real wedding. Help please
My FDH's father is on hospice, doped up on morphine and ready to check out any minute. Suddenly FDH needs his father to see him get married. So he wants to hire a minister and get married at his parents house, today!
He wants this to be just for his mom and dad. He says we can still have a wedding later. But I don't want to get married with just my dying FFIL and my bigot FMIL there. Having a wedding later seems fake to me if we are already married. I want my family there too, which can't happen cause FFIL is too sick and my family is pissed at FMIL over her racist comments about my kids. What do you guys think about this situation? Is it tacky to get married twice given the circumstances? Am I a bitch if I refuse to do this? I think if I do this my family will be hurt they weren't there for the "real" wedding, especially my kids.
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I know this sounds horrible,
I know this sounds horrible, but if he is on his death bed, and doped up on morphine he will not be too aware. Can you have a "fake wedding" for him so he thinks you are married, but you are not. Then have a real, proper wedding later?
THIS^^^ Just don't actually
THIS^^^
Just don't actually get the marriage certificate. In-laws can think whatever, it will appease them AND it hold your finance to a "real wedding". You can consider this the rehearsal!
I don't think FDH will go for
I don't think FDH will go for it but I will suggest that. FDH is building this up to such a big deal I am scared it will impact our relationship if I say no. I agree that FFIL will not get much out of it, but I don't want this to break us. Is this an example of a time when I have to put FDH's feelings before everyone else?
I agree with this
I agree with this advice.
Never do anything you feel pressured to do and if your FDH is holding this over your head, then it should give you some insights to how things will be with him in the future.
Try just explaining that you
Try just explaining that you do realize that this is emotional and that you do see his need to get married in front of his father, but that your family is important too. You want the wedding that counts to have all of your loved ones around and it to be a celebration not something thrown together and rushed.
Is FFIL even aware of
Is FFIL even aware of anything?
If not I don't really see the point but you could always just hold hands and say your vows together to appease DH.
If he is then you still do that or actually say your vows with a minister then have the real wedding later.
I have several friends that has had 2 different ceremonys due to family and friends being so far apart and I think it is cool.
^^^This is what I'd suggest.
^^^This is what I'd suggest.
I get that he wants his dad
I get that he wants his dad there, but to exclude your whole family, your kids,etc, that's completely unfair to you. I don't think it's tacky to get married twice (one of my friends did and my cousin actually did a three-off since her family was in another country) but I think based on your reaction,you're going to regret it.
You're aren't a bitch if you refuse. And I would tell him that you understand and if FFIL were going to be cogent enough for it to really mean something, you'd try to work with FDH to arrange something, but its hurtful to you to get married with Just his dying, drugged up father and his mother that's been so hateful to you there and you just can't do it.
Family is important but he's being unreasonable. His grieving process is already kicking in. This marriage needs to be about you and him, no one else. If it makes you that unhappy, he needs to understand. You say minister, so I'm guessing he's somewhat religious - I'd tell him his father will always be with him after he passes, but the morphine means his body is going to have a very hard time recognizing that his son is there, much less that you two are getting married. Hurting you, your kids and the rest of both of your families wouldn't be worth it to me, but you know your FDH best - if his father can't be there is he going to resent you and be angry and hold it against you for the rest of your marriage?
My exH wanted to have kids
My exH wanted to have kids before his grandmother passed away. He was telling me this when I was a senior in HS (I was 18, he was 20) and we were only dating.
Do NOT do something that will ultimately make you unhappy or uncomfortable. With all respect to your FFIL, he will not be aware this event is taking place.
Write some vows to say to
Write some vows to say to each other and go through the motions. He probably won't know the difference. I know people who have had 2 cermonies, but mostly for religious reasons.
Wish you were near me as I'd
Wish you were near me as I'd send my sister over to do the wedding. She can do it legally (got some mail order certification) but it would not be legal if she did not file the marriage certificate with the state.
I know several people who have had a close friend do the ceremony (which was not legally a marriage) because of their closeness to them. they did the civil stuff alone at the courthouse - thought of it as just filling out papers.
I got married at the courthouse - nobody there, civil only. Just filled out some papers. Legally I am married but I don't "feel" married with vows if that makes any sense.
FDH just came in here in
FDH just came in here in TEARS telling me how important this is to him. FML! He never cries....I think I am stuck doing something at the bedside. Maybe we can do it twice but not have the officiant file the marriage certificate until the second ceremony? It seemed like that might be possible based on what oldone said above. I will check that out. If not I don't know what to do. I am going to start making calls.
Get a minister, love your
Get a minister, love your man, marry him...and then plan the ceremony you want for later. You get what you give in life...and this matters to your fiancee.
^^^ THIS.
Try to smile, be HAPPY it is (one) of YOUR days!!!!
Happy Wedding Day!!!
Depending on where you live
Depending on where you live it may not be possible to get married today. We got married the same day in Florida but only because we were not legally Florida residents
The other thing to consider
The other thing to consider is your FDH will always associate your wedding anniversary with the death of his father.
He may want to consider the impact of his request on the future. He is emotional right now and this isn't a great time to do this.
But if you must, have a fake ceremony now and DON'T file the paperwork.
Have your celebratory wedding that you planned down the line and make sure that is the anniversary date you celebrate.