How do I change my mindset?
I guess now it all depends on if I can tolerate and being in the same room as BF's kids without feeling totally uncomfortable and awkward. Everyone here is telling me to leave him and yes, yes, many times I thought of leaving, but the idea of really walk out of the door is a bit overwhelming, it's not that easy to just walk. BF asked me not to hate him but I am not sure when it comes to the day I really walk out, will I be able not to hate him or blame him because he laid it all on me to determine the outcome? How do you all do it? How do you all be able to share your home with the kids that are not yours and feel comfortable being there around them? BF's house is really small, three small bedrooms (one of them was converted from a study for his daughter) with paper thin walls, small living room, small kitchen and only one bathroom which I hate most as it feels like a public bathroom to me because when his kids are here, they always have neighbor kids hang around the house and come to sleep over. Do I not love BF enough to put his happiness before mine? He said he couldn't choose me over his kids, he could only choose me WITH his kids which I know it's a fact. He also said I had to be a parent to understand that which I also know it's a fact. But I can't stand even looking at their pictures on the fridge, any pictures of them as a matter of fact. Why can't I be pleasantly co-exist with them for BF's sake, treat them as acquaintances or roommates if nothing else? Why do I have to see them as an eye sore to our relationship? I feel so terrible that I am such a nasty person with such nasty thoughts. BF said I was all he was looking for when we were alone and his kids were not here. It made me feel that I am the cause of all this misery, I am the culprit, I am the curse in his life and in my own life. Why can't I be this loving, accepting woman? How do I change my mindset? I am so stress out right now, I know in the very near future I will have to make up my mind and pick a path. He has done nothing wrong, he's just a father and as he said to me, "you have done nothing wrong, you are just being you." But is it immature for me to give up a loving relationship simply because of the existence of two kids (and of course the mess and inconvenience that comes with)? And tonight he told me he had done all he could concerning the situation with his kids to make me happy without making the BM too upset and that he had gladly given up the time he went fishing with his buddy because he wanted to be with me. So now am I being too demanding and ungrateful? I don't want to regret leaving him, I know he's the one I want to grow old with when his kids are not kids anymore. Or maybe I am just waiting for every single cell inside my body to give up on him.
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I don't think you'll ever be
I don't think you'll ever be able to change your mindset, to be honest. I haven't managed it in 11 years of being an SM. Like you, can't stand looking at pics of my SDs. Feel tense the whole time they are in my house. Fortunately, we only have them EOW, or I wouldn't be able to hack it at all. I'm really sorry, but I see the only viable way forward for your relationship would be maintaining separate living arrangements.
Kes, how do you manage when
Kes, how do you manage when they come over EOWE? How do you do it for 11 years?
When I first moved in with
When I first moved in with DH, we used to go on "family" outings with the SDs, who were then 5 and 7, but the 5 year old used to sabotage every one because her mother hated me, and PAS'd the SDs.
Finally, I decided it was better for 3 people to enjoy themselves, than for 4 people to have a horrible time, so I started to disengage, (didn't know what it was, ST didn't exist then). I also stopped cooking for the SDs because they would refuse to eat what I cooked - so DH did it for them. This position eventually crystallised into full disengagement because of the SDs hostile attitude to me which has persisted to this day - they are 16 and 18. I have little conversation with SD 18 and none with SD16, we mutually loathe each other.
My marriage has survived because my DH realises his daughters are hard work, very high maintenance girls, and does not blame me for the fact that I don't like them.
I completely do my own thing EOW, and somewhat resent the fact that DH STILL spends so muchtime with them (cinema, concerts et) even though they are virtually adults. My own adult daughters were not like this at a comparable age ie very immature, expecting Daddy to entertain them.
So in answer to your question, it's tough EOW, but at least I don't have them full time - a lot of people on here do. I would have left long ago had that been the case.
Clover I wouldn't stay if I
Clover I wouldn't stay if I were you. mainly b/c your bf has made it very clear he is not going to parent his kids and you can't live like that. He is choosing what he wants over a compromise its his way or none.
Can you live with the fact that he will continue to that and not just with his kids but if you cave on thus he will see that you will stay with him no matter what he does.
He will continue to have everything his way or tell you that you know where the door his. It may not even be about the kids but about his control and knows he can do it and you will put up with or he shows you the door!
Why be with someone like that? He is very clearly showing you your future with him.
Why do you even want to stay?
Why do you even want to stay? The man has already told you (more than once ) that he's done with this relationship.
What are you going to do when he starts to date?
I don't think the feelings
I don't think the feelings change. I thought I would be more accepting after we got married but no. Maybe after I got pregnant? Nope. I may at least understand DH's side after I finally have my baby but I doubt it. I can't stand seeing SS EOWe, I can't stand seeing his pictures in my home, I can't stand hearing people talk about him. In fact, I think I feel worse about him than I did earlier in our relationship. And he'll ALWAYS be in DH's life. Even after he turns 18, just 5 years from now.
Every day I ask myself if I did the right thing by marrying and getting knocked up by DH. It's not a good feeling. I desperately hope that the birth of my baby will change everything but for now, I regret getting myself in so deep a lot of the time. I don't think I'd do it all over again if I had the choice. It makes me sad to say that but I feel so bitter and hateful so much of the time that I don't really like the person I've become sometimes.
I get through EOWe by being disengaged. It's like I'm the third roommate in my home. It's not fun but it's more tolerable to me than pretending to care for a kid that I don't. I know DH doesn't like it that way but as long as I'm not rude or mean to his kid or get in the way of jis time with him, he accepts it and understands. I don't know if your bf would be okay with that or not but it might help you.
I did just that today;
I did just that today; disengaged. BF did everything for them on his own - cooked, cleaned, picked up garbage they left on the counter. I just watched and told BF he had to put the dishes in the dish-washer because I was not going to wash them. They are in bed right now, going back to BM early tomorrow morning and will be back here again when BF comes home from work. Even doing the disengaging thing, I still wasn't/am not happy with them being in the same house as me, still feel like I am consciously tolerating. I am hoping maybe I practice disengaging enough, it will get easier as if you ask me now, I absolutely don't want them around, absolutely dislike their presence. BF seemed okay with me not doing anything for his kids and didn't complain a bit. Have to talk to him about the TV arrangement soon, I don't want to fight with them over what to watch since there is no TV in our bedroom but a TV in his son's room.
Also you should tell your bf
Also you should tell your bf that if he wants to keep you that you are not his kids maid cook driver or baby sitter since he refuses to parent. If he is not going to parent then he needs to mot expect a thing from you including money or buying them anything. That should clear it up for you and him.
He gave you an ultam give one right back to him.
He isn't telling the OP he
He isn't telling the OP he wants to keep her. He told her it's over.
I know but thought if she
I know but thought if she turned the tables she would see his reaction.
Clover you do need to change
Clover you do need to change your mindset, but not in the way your think. Where is all this self blame coming from?
And there is something to what other posters are saying. If he really broke up with you, maybe he's just feeling awkward and trying to let you down easy. I'm confused as to why you are debating whether to stay or go if your DH and you said your goodbyes the other day. I thought you two broke up. I think he was trying to tell you something, that you two aren't going to work out, and I think you should listen to him.
Ever see that episode of parks and recreation where the woman had no idea that her boyfriend broke up with her, because he was so nice about it. Well, listen to these posters, your dh just broke up with you. He said goodbye. And good riddance! You deserve better.
don't worry about whose fault it is.
"he could only choose me WITH his kids which I know it's a fact. He also said I had to be a parent to understand that which I also know it's a fact."
This is a classic manipulation and defense to make you feel bad, like you are coming between him and his kids, and that you have to be a parent to understand. I call BS. How many DH's respond this way when their spouses don't comply with their expectations.
"He has done nothing wrong, he's just a father "
I disagree with this statement, your DH has done you wrong, he's not treating you right. This is not really about the kids, it's about DH's treatment of you. Try not to get lost in the "it's about the kids and because I"m not a parent I'm inadequate" thoughts about yourself.
Both my SO and I have dealt with your DH's personality type in our past, and unfortunately, we recognize your DH's behaviors in a second, I talked about this with my SO and we both hate that we can immediately identify your DH's behavior as manipulative. It's amazing how these types of personalities behave in the same way.
Breaking up with you and then then next day being all lovey dovey, that's called love bombing, and it's classic manipulative behavior. These types play with your mind, leave you confused as to where your stand in the relationship, because that's how they control you. And these manipulators are not these crazy outlandish people, they are often very high functioning seemingly normal people who can find subtle ways of playing with your mind to the point you might even start thinking you're going crazy. My ex was like that, his covert aggression was just that, hard to pinpoint, but I couldn't understand why I was going through an emotional rollercoaster.
In your past post you said, maybe I should be better at playing house. My thoughts immediately was that his manipulation worked, he threatened to break up with you then behaves affectionately toward you all to get you to give that exact response, that somehow you need to work harder to meet his expectations. He has you right where he wants you.
Was I not right when I predicted he would try to reconcile with you after he broke up with you? I just didn't think he'd do it the very next day. Your DH is not indecisive or has mixed feelings. That is not indecision, that's manipulation. What you are feeling is indecision.
I am confident if you continue in this relationship that you will continue to feel inadequate and down on yourself as if you aren't working hard enough to be a good wife and a good mommy replacement for your DH, who is clinging to a fantasy and refuses to settle for less than his fantasy. You will continue to be confused as to where you stand: "Are we broken up, are we reconciling, I can't tell, I'm so confused." Is that how you want to live?
Hi OMG we are are going
Hi OMG we are are going through similar problems!!! I have one child and am living with a man who is a father of 5 kids.
We see the younger kids eow, but thankfully they don't stay the night.
Our relationship was amazing before we moved in together, I accepted he had 5 children but now we live together it has become increasingly difficult!!! He has to pay a huge amount in child support and on top of that he spoils them on their birthday/Christmas. We don't have the money todo it and it has caused us allot of problems in our relationship. I have told him that I struggle with the number of children he has and the grief we get from both our ex's. I love him so much and he is everything I want in a partner but when I look at the bigger picture I can't see a future with him because of the children. If he didn't have them then he would be the perfect partner for me and we would have a great life together! Will I ever come to terms with him having kids or do I get out now before its too late?!?
It's scary and I am also confused about staying or going, so your not alone and neither am I by the sounds of it lol
My BF has 2 kids, I am
My BF has 2 kids, I am already living in misery whenever they are here. If he had 5 like your man does, I would be so out of my mind right now, sorry that you have to tolerate 5 trolls.
You seem determined to stay
You seem determined to stay and keep trying, at least for now. I'm not sure a 'mindset' change and how you feel about the skids or their visitations is going to be your miracle that makes this all work for you/BF, but it's obvious you're not ready to call it quits yet.
I don't really think it's not that BF does not 'parent' his kids (he seems to be parenting them how he sees fit whether right or wrong). You've said it really doesn't matter if the skids are good or bad. It's not really the skids behavior you're having issues with, it's the fact they exist at all. I'm not sure that's a 'mindset' you can necessarily change. That's a whole lot more than fixing poorly behaved kids or disrespectful brats...they do exist, they will continue to exist and visitations will keep happening for years. Even after the magic age 18, these skids will be a part of BF's life. That's something you can't change even if you somehow manage to convince yourself their tolerable.
Anyway, is there something you can do to make the visitation times of your relationship less stressful for you? I don't know if you work. Would a job help you be out of the house more. Help you meet co-workers you could enjoy socializing with? A more relaxed you might make things easier to cope. A movie with a female friend. Coffee on Saturday afternoon and a shared hobby might refresh you enough to then come home and be self fullfilled enough that you have an identity other than BF's live-in or skids SM.
You might even try volunteer work in an area that interest you. Anything that will help perhaps make Clover feel good about herself and that Clover is Clover not just some lady trapped in a house that's so small with skids who are invading her space. Broaden your 'space' , your interest, your current role in life. Put a tv, recliner and a bookshelf in your bedroom. Call it's Clover's private kingdom. Where she unwinds and tunes the skids out. H*ll, get a good set of earplugs and really tune their noise out. Come out at dinner time to a dinner BF has prepared for his kids and you. Try roasting a hot dog over one of their stupid fires (which is not outside the backdoor lol) and then go watch a movie in your bedroom. The skids are out of sight and BF is supervising them (or better be).
If you're determined to stay, you have to do something to change how things are and how you react to things. You can't expect BF and skids to do change/fix everything. Making a relationship work is a two-way street. What is currently happening in your life does not work for you, it doesn't work for BF either. If you're staying you've got to work on how Clover can make this work for Clover.
I think I will try some of
I think I will try some of your advice. I really need and should focus on what I want to do instead of their inconvenient presence when they are here.
Clover girl- please check
Clover girl- please check out mappers forum posts...I think they may be benifical to you. Different subject matter (money) but you can get a feel of what "keep" on trying does to a person. I sounds like you are in a push/pull relationship, which is not healthy. What kind of man tells someone it's over but then sends conflicting messages? Not the kind of man that deserves the love you are giving him.