SD13 wants to move back, is it wrong to say no?
Need some advice. SD13 moved in with husband and I two years ago at my insistence after falling out with BM. Two weeks ago she had contact with her for the first time in those years. Her choice. Three days ago she picked a fight with her dad took most of her things and moved back to BM. My husband is devastated as she has been a mini wife to him. Pretty much wrecked my marriage and made my life a misery. Partly her fault mostly BMs vendetta against me through the whole of my relationship. Largely now I feel my husband is to blame for his ridiculous parenting. 13 and he justifies everything to her. If I try to say anything she waits a few weeks and pays me back with her lies. He defends her every time screaming at me in front of her and we even have violent arguments. I could prob have lived with her indifference to me if I felt my husband stood by me and not acted like he was married to her. No in appropriateness but so cosy I was pushed out. She now after 3 days wants to come back. Am I wrong to say no?. She will have full control then. She is so covert in her manipulation a that it took me ages to see it and he just can't. I feel that he should put our marriage first( we have an 18 month old son) but he doesn't . He shouts me down in front of his kids and if we row he talks to SD13 about me. Their relationship has only been like this since she moved in. She has developed it like this, she was the same with her BMs bf when she lived there. She is cold and materialistic, doesn't seem to have any feelings towards anyone. She turned on her dad because he docked a month pocket money due to bad school report. She argues about everybpunishment ( and they are few) so he backs down then agrees to be good. Doesn't happen. I think she's out of his control . Please advise someone. I'm fighting to save my marriage , is it ever going to change if I let her back??
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Would like to add that I
Would like to add that I genuinely tried my best with this girl. Too hard. My comments about her were out of concern for the path I thought she was heading down. Husband was ok at first until she didn't like my rules. I.e tidy bedroom don't tell tales don't trash bathroom etc. she then turned to him and he turned on me. I can't even talk to her anymore yet she still lies. He doesn't even give my daughter or I a chance to defend ourselves. Just launches into an attack. Help please
Mum is a lot like her. She is
Mum is a lot like her. She is passive aggressive in my book. Manages to say something nasty without making herself look bad. Did her best to wind me up, I am a reactor , but I never succeeded. She controlling and smothers the other 3 kids but they are well cared for physically. They are not particularly well disciplined but she also has a partner that the kids really like so yes. My baby is in our room as she had our room for him. Am I supposed to keep the room empty while we wait. Her mum will not change her behaviour, she's the same herself. And I don't trust my husband to make changes to make it work. I can see how much he's hurting, and he's torn between us. At the moment he's trying to please me but I feel it's so I don't leave him too. He said today that he still feels like I was too hard on her. But I treated her like one of my own. He just wants me to nanny her. My kids accept what I say, not her. I only ask that she picks hervstuffvupmandbfeeds her rabbit and leaves her room tidy before she goes out. Lately I've been objecting to giving her money and letting her go out as her attitude and behaviour has been appalling. And the school are phoning him weekly. I care about what happens to her but I'm just coming across as a bully. I've backed off and now they are even more together. My marriage won't survive her this time. Shoul I walk away and leave them to it?
Also to get things from she
Also to get things from she lies about me to get his sympathy and I end up being shouted at anyway
Can you micro chip your reply
Can you micro chip your reply and place in my stupid Hs head. You have full understanding, and have prob been through this too. Thank you, I have been awoken
My biggest argument how he is
My biggest argument how he is moulding an irresponsible and selfish child into a likewise adult, ho I think will never leave us alone. He won't see it. He's dependent on her. He needs her more than he needs me. Thank you, you have clarified what I thought. If we didn't argue I could live with it. But being chastised like a child while she has adult status is not going to work. If she comes back I o. But I won't tell him that. I will let him make his own choices. Thanks. How do you live with it??
I think he will. He will
I think he will. He will probably either talk me into it by making me feel guilty of his moping will push me. Or he will cause a row say I hate his daughter and just ignore my protests. He says she can stay there now but I know he's not coping very well because she chose her mum. To be fair he didn't deserve the way she treated him but I think she did what he does. Picked a fight. I work 3 nights a week and I would suggest she comes then. But the other kids are not allowed to do that. Once again special treatment. He sai he feels stabbed in the back. I tried to tell she would turn on him too. For a child she is scarily cold and selfish. The others are not like that. I feel a personality problem. Anyway I'm sick of being second choice. He can keep his relationship with her. When she's drained the life out of him he will learn. Shame because we do love each other. Just not enough maybe
Do they never change then? He
Do they never change then? He has a ten year old and a five year old daughter too. I suppose they will be the same. If he brings her back I suppose it will be over in weeks anyway.
He says he won't let her back
He says he won't let her back and maybe he won't but I'm feeling him withdraw from me today. Prob punishing me because she moved out. She has dumped her guilt in him. I cannot live with her. But I can see her coming back at 16 or so. I've told him one more aggressive episode and that's it. I don't even feel that strongly about him any more. Does no body think things can improve now she's go e ?
Thank you for helping me see
Thank you for helping me see I'm not 'mental' like he says I am