So sometimes I can go for literally months at a time just thinking dh understands me and gets me. i'm not necessarily even saying he agrees with everything I think or feel, but that he gets why I have the feelings and understands where I am coming from. Then-BAM! He will say something that totally and completely reminds me that apparently he has NO CLUE what I feel or think.

So we are having a deep discussion Saturday. He starts talking about sil. He vents awhile about her and how he feels victimized and how the system is going to let him down by basically giving her a slap on the wrist. I allow him to vent, emphathize with him, encourage him to think of all the positives, blah, blah, blah. He responds by telling me all kinds of things he'd like to do to get back at her. Again I empathize with him, but encourage him to remain the better person and not allow her to get him to sink to that level. Then, the conversation shifts and he mentions that ss15 called him earlier that day. OH? I ask. Dh said yes, it was a brief conversation. He said his uncle (bm's brother) had a scooter he was wanting to sell and would dh like to buy it for him. Now, recall that is only the 2nd time in 8 months that ss has spoke to him-the first being 2 weeks ago. In Janurary he sent a text telling dh he no longer had a father-he was done with him-and then some other insults. Dh doesn't really like this uncle and told ss that no he wasn't getting anything from uncle but that we have a spare scooter and he might consider that. I about crapped my pants. Really, dh? First of all, this would technically be our scooter. We had a spare one because we bought 2 at one time because that was how a guy was selling them-I was very specific with my dh that we HAD to sell the other one. He agreed. In fact, its not even at our home right now because he had sorta sold it to his buddy, but now his buddy doesn't want it. So we are just going to give it to this kid who essentially has no relationship with you. He only called you because he sees you as a wallet. However, I kept that to myself.

What I did say to him is this-You know how you feel victimized by sil? Yes. That's how I feel about ss. I get that he's your kid, I understand that, I understand that you have feelings for him, I even get that you might like to speak to him now and then, perhaps even someday see him (outside our home)if he were actually willing to do so-BUT it feels like a colossal slap in the fact that you want to give this person essentially a 1000.00 present. How would you feel if I wanted to give sil 1000.00 present. You would be appalled that I would take 1000.00 out of our joint account to give to someone who has done so much wrong to you. He countered with -but ss is just a punk kid. I replied that ss had done some VERY adult type things to the people in this household and that at some point someone needed to start holding this kid accountable. He just didn't say much of anything.

Lets not even mention that 2 weeks ago he was telling dh that he thought he was probably going to detention. Well, what the hell do you need a scooter for if you are going to detention?

We haven't talked about it anymore. Dh was exhausted this weekend as he just returned from Honduras Sat evening-so I just didn't want to bring it up further. I cant decide whether it is important that he "get" how I feel or if it's just best to let it lie. The issues between ss15 and I are just not because he annoys me, or wouldn't clean his room while he lived here, or didn't do well in school-the issues are there because I feel as if he has been abusive in multiple ways to both me and my kids. He had done sexual things, physical things, emotional bullying to ALL of us-stole from us repeatedly. I just cant even begin to identify all the very significant things this kid has done. They are not just because he is a "punk" of a kid. I do literally feel as if I have PTSD from this kid and him just calling period is hard enough for me to handle, but I do so because I do get where my dh is coming from. So I accept it-but the last thing I want to do is give him 1000.00 gifts. I tried to get dh to understand that just as he feels the justice system has failed him in giving my sil consequences I feel everyone has failed to give ss consequences. Which dh feels that having ss move out of the house WAS the consequence. I'm not sure how it was any sort of consequence for him when he didn't particularly want to be here anyway, he got to move in with people that are extrememly permissive with him, a mil who coddles him and caters to him. Where is the consequence? SS-not dh-has been the one to dictate the terms of their relationship-it's not like dh has been withholding his attention in order to punish him-ss has been done with him the last 8 months until now.

So should I bring it up again or drop it?