Need Advice : SS13 Wants to Accompany DD12 and Her Friends to the Mall
I need some advice. My SS13 and my DD12 go to the same very small private school. They are in the same (the only) 7th grade/8th grade class. There are only 4 girls in the class and about 14 kids total. Very, very small school.
I've really tried to make a push this year to get both DD and SS to be more social - go to friend's after school, study at the library on Saturday mornings etc, invite friends over.
My daughter's dad and I (well, me mostly, but he's on-board ;-)) have also been trying to get her to do more girl things. She has her two brothers ages 9 and 10 and SS has been around since he was 11. So things are very male-focused at our house. SS has also dethroned my daughter as the "oldest and coolest" in my home as far as her younger brothers are concerned, so I've really tried to help her develop her friendships and invite girls over, etc. DD12 is also not super fond of SS13 either because of a lot of his behaviors in the past. But they tolerate each other.
Which, of course... has now lead to SS13's crush on one of my duagther's friends - the only 8th grade girl in the school. SS13 and this girl are now "officially" boyfriend and girlfriend. It's all very innocent, but ... I was 13 once also.
so here are some of my concerns:
1) Daughter will make plans to go to movies/mall/etc with the girls. SS asks the girlfriend if he can go, she says yes. Then SS comes to us and says he wants to go too.
2) DD invites her friends over and SS gets DS9 to ask if they can hang out with the girls - we have a rec-room off of the house in the back where we let the kids go. Thus far it's been only boys or only girls. Last visit I let DS9 and SS13 join the girls for about 30 minutes. Turns out they played truth or dare (they al picked thrueth) and SS asked the girl who she liked and the girl asked SS who he liked - both stated that they liked each other.
3) I've set up study dates for DD and the girls' with their moms so they can study for the tests. This was a girls's thing (suggested by the teacher) so they could help each other, without the boys. I encouraged SS to go the first time since he could use the help. The second time he had a chance to do something with my boys Cub Scouts or the library and he picked the library, so I knew something was up.
Anyway - I'm just wondering. My first inclination is to tell SS that he needs to make his own plans with the boys and let the girls be alone. Or if HE"D like to make a plan with the girl to do something, then that's fine too. But he shouldn't be tagging along with his Step-sister and her friends because he has a crush on the girl.
ON the other hand, I do think it's very innocent and sweet...
Thoughts?
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DD12 is going to start
DD12 is going to start feeling used and resentful of both SS13 and her friend. Guarantee it. The 2 relationships need to be separate, so I think he needs to make his own plans with the girl instead of butting in on DD's time with her friend.
Even then, there could be problems.
This is my first thought and
This is my first thought and I told him this last night. DD was at her Dad's and SS was asking us if he could go with the girls.
I told him that it's important for him to spend time with his sister and not just hang out with her when her girlfriends are around.
DD12 and SS13 typically ignore each other. We have to force them to study together, but they are not each other's favorite. (This is actually good because I wouldn't want any funny business going on between them).
LOL. He is always on his best
LOL. He is always on his best behavior when her friends are over because he wants them to like him.
He's actually been pretty good lately as far as his behavior. And it's not really a matter of him being a douche to her - they just basically ignore the other. Always. We try to give them a joint task often (cut the fruit from the tree, study for their test, walk the dog) and 9 times out of ten they are doing it solo - across the yard from each other, at the table but not talking to the other, etc.
I thought about this too. Her
I thought about this too. Her parents are very strict and traditional.
I'm not sure what is appropriate here - do I let the mom know that her DD and my SS are "officially" boyfriend/girlfriend? The mother has seen my SS with the girls at the library, but I don't think she thought anything of it since it is a small school and my two are step-sibs.
I actually just figured it all out last weekend with the help of DS9 (my little mama's boy/ tattle tale) who was filling me in.
The girl wants it to be a secret from everyone.
My kids all know that I read their text messages and that they're not allowed to delete them. They have one phone that they all share and I told them that the texts get sent to my phone so they'll be in trouble if I find them texting innappropriate things or deleting things. LOL.
So, I've been keeping an eye on the texts that go back between SS and this girl. Again, it's all very innocent and sweet. She made him wait a week before she would agree to be his GF and she wants it to be a secret.
But what is appropriate regarding the other mom?
I appreciate all of this
I appreciate all of this advice. I'm trying to look at it from several different view points:
1) I've got my DD to look out for
2) I don't want any negative feelings I have towards SS to push me in a specific direction
3) as the mother of a girl, I'm concerned about the girls' parents being in the know
4) as the SM of SS, I see it as innocent and think it's good for him to develop his "courting" skills. (Example, he's been telling her she's beautiful and already wants to buy her a present).
4A) I'm also torn because he is young and shouldn't be spending his time courting girls. He'll be 14 in February and starts HS next year.
Drove me nuts when my sister
Drove me nuts when my sister became friends with my friends. Actually had a falling out with a friend because of her. She got grounded and the friend blamed me for telling my parents. This was a tell or your grounded type of thing....I wasn't going down for my sister. Lost that friend and barely tolerated my sister for years.
This is a slippery slope, I would just monitor everything and he doesn't always get to go. Also, I don't believe kids should have relationships until 16. Too much immaturity. Worked great having that rule with our teens....Not a lot of drama.
I agree with the no
I agree with the no relationships until a certain age also and recently had the discussion with my duaghter's father.
With SS, DH let him have GFs prior to my involvement. So it's a little late.
I do however let them (DD and SS) that they are too young and I really send that message home with DD.
It's nice that SS is open with us, but... it's also brought up some inconsistencies in our child-rearing and rules. This is one that it's kind of hard for me to step in on and say "no girlfriends" when the kid was having them in 6th grade - whatever that means.
So I just try to be a good influence and talk about being a gentleman, etc. He doesn't dare speak of this with his mother, so at least I can provide something positive here.
Your reason right there is
Your reason right there is why we lost my SD. I came along when they were 8 and 6 and told DH my rules on dating for my son. He told BM no dating until 16. BM said no....She told kid to lie...Hell came down at 14 when it turned out it had been happening for over a year. Fast forward, she has been labeled a slut at 17 and has a hard time keeping friends. Clinically depressed and hospitalized. BM has full custody. DH and I are starting the last couple months to include her again in our family. Damage is done....BM wanted to be her friend and not put guidelines down. Told us we can't manage what they do at school and having a Boyfriend was no big deal and they never really do anything. Well she is damaged, because she wanted to "rush" everything.
Well, I was called worst mother in the world for all of this mess. My BS18 is in one of the hardest schools in the country on a full scholarship. My SS15 is still not quite right and we have had full custody of him for two years now. But, he is getting better and is focused on his grades. SD17 has failed two classes and hoping to graduate and get into at least one of the schools she applied. Schools that will take anyone if you can pay. Basically, one step up from community college...
Whole situation is pathetic and would not have happened if BM had not encouraged her dating at 12....
I went thru one of those
I went thru one of those relationship triangles.... my DD, her BFF, and my SS.
NOT PRETTY. Not then, and still not a year later.
My DD was OK with them dating, but wanted to be "left out of it" (her quote was "a relationship shouldn't have 3 people in it") - she felt totally fine with them dating, but felt they needed to find a way to keep their relationships separate.
My DD and my SS are NOT, nor have they ever been close. Too much bad mojo in the first few years. But my DD's BFF gave my daughter the ultimatum: either DD becomes good friends with SS, or BFF would no longer be DD's friend.
My daughter is now missing a friend she had for 7 years.
That's sad. And it sounds
That's sad. And it sounds like the BFF needs to learn about how to treat her friends. What's the saying? Sisters before Misters, LOL.
I guess that's why we try to have the kids wait till they're older for "relationships". It's also how they learn.
My DD and SS are not friends either. But, because they currently attend the same very small school, their pool of friends is very small. And with only 4 girls in the 7th and 8th grade, this was bound to come up.
My DD has been friends with these girls since Kindergarden. Many have left the school and there are only the 4 of them left. The 8th grade girl is the only girl in her class. Last year there were two girls in her class, so this is bound to happen.
I think if I sent my 12 year
I think if I sent my 12 year old over to another girls house for study/hanging out I would like to be aware if there was going to be a boy or boys hanging out with them as well, and especially if my child was having a bit of a thing with the friends brother. So I think you should mention it to the parents. It would be a shame if DD's friend's parents came to feel they weren't comfortable sending their daughter over to yours because they found out about it another way, or if SS and the friend started sneaking around and you ended up tacitly allowing the friend to circumnavigate her parents rules. If they are strict and traditional they are not going to approve of their daughter dating at that age, and I think parents should try to back each other up and have a circle of trust over these issues, especially parents of girls. Personally I wouldn't want my child getting into dating at that age, there is too much pressure on children to do everything too soon and it's the start of a slippery slope when a 13/14 year old girl starts focussing on a boy or boys at that age. Plus it could create an awkward situation in a small social group if SS and this friend fall out and DD is stuck in the middle.
I agree. I have two daughters
I agree.
I have two daughters so I've been trying to look at it from that perspective as well. I appreciate the thoughtful opinion.
I just told my husband that if SS wants to spend time with the girl, then he will need to plan it on his own - and that I'd be happy to contact her mom (just like I do for my daughter when they want to get together) to help arrange it.
My thought is that the girl will not want her mother to know, but I could be wrong. I do know that the girl has asked SS to keep it a secret at school and that she would be sad if others found out. Maybe because she's shy, maybe because she doesn't want her parents to find out - probably both.
How would you tell the other mom? I've known them for several years, but we aren't close by any means so I wouldn't be able to mention it casually. I would actually have to call her to let her know.
Hmm it's not easy is it. I
Hmm it's not easy is it. I think I would either approach the girls parent/s outside school at drop off or collection and start a friendly conversation about the girls and them spending time at yours, and then say something like "I just wanted to check, SS sometimes spends time with the girls while is at ours, are you OK with that? I thought I'd mention it because I like to know who my girls are spending time with" then depending on how much you want to give away you could add "Actually I have a feeling recently that might be a bit keen on him, has she said anything to you?"
If there are no opportunities at school drop off or collection then the next time a girls get together is being planned I would call the mum, ostensibly to let her know arrangements, and then mention it.