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DH, a New Baby, and Me (and BM, of course...)

fractioned's picture

Submitted by fractioned on Mon, 11/25/2013 - 5:35pm

Hi Ladies,

I'm pregnant with my first child and my husband's second, due this summer. We're both thrilled that we're expecting, SS is excited, BM hasn't been awful about it (yet, lol), however there's been some disconnect over it.

I'm sad that this is so exciting and new for me, and I don't get to share that newness with my husband. He's been there before. It's reassuring in some ways, but in other ways it just freakin sucks. And he brings up his experiences with BM and what they did, and wants to talk about it, and that's hard, too. I guess I want this to be about us, and having to bring her up makes me feel like I can't have anything without sharing it with her in some way.

I'm concerned about dealing with shitty OBs and hospitals for the birth, and the meager options in our area means that if I want to try for a natural birth, give with a doctor or midwife I've gotten to actually know, or just try to keep it a less "medical" experience, we have to drive 40+ minutes away. My SS' sports and scouts schedule and my husband's mild disability (chronic muscle pain, and he has trouble driving and works an hour away) don't really leave room for this.

I've talked to my husband about my fears and worries, and it's not been helpful as yet. I wrote him a draft birth plan, just so he would understand what worried me, and he told me he still had his ex's birth plan and that they were pretty much the same (argh). I don't feel like he takes my concerns seriously because it was all just fine the last time. I told him tonight I was interested in Bradley classes because of their focus on the couple working together and he said, "you'll crush my hand and say horrible things, and it'll be fine." ARGH!

I'm just wondering... what did your partner do that was really helpful? What do you wish they had done differently?

Comments

3familiesIn1's picture

Submitted by 3familiesIn1 on Mon, 11/25/2013 - 5:45pm

I feel for you. I haven't run into this with my DH, however, men are dumb. You might just have to tell him straight out. Why do I say men are dumb??? My XH, yes, XH asked me for my gynocologist for his wife when she got pregnant because I used her for our last baby....

OMFG - I felt so bad for the wife, I didn't answer - lol. Poor woman. I think men are dumb in this that its not fun to 'share' with the BM. As the BM, it icked me out too Smile

Mom23's picture

Submitted by Mom23 on Mon, 11/25/2013 - 7:31pm

I recently mentioned to my SO that I was looking for a new obgyn and he suggested BM's obgyn who delivered SS! I didn't say anything but wanted to strangle him.

GoodbyeNormaJean's picture

Submitted by GoodbyeNormaJean on Mon, 11/25/2013 - 7:55pm

Mmmmkay. It's not appropriate for him to compare these two events. EVER. Take notasm's advice, and sit him down and tell him (with no distractions, as if you're telling him something that will save his life) that he will NOT speak of it again. It is NOTHING to you. NOTHING. This is your time, and there is NO PART of her pregnancy or birth experience that you are ever interested in hearing about.

Onewillfullstepmom's picture

Submitted by Onewillfullstepmom on Mon, 11/25/2013 - 8:46pm

As a woman who is TTC, this is something that has concerned me since I entered a romantic relationship with DH. I have been with SD since birth and I have been through her development and I have some residual resentment for DH, BM and (shamefully) SD as well for having stolen those firsts from me. I have mostly made my peace with it, but I am still worried. My DH knows though, that he should NEVER EVER mention BM's pregnancy experience. Your DH needs to know the boundaries. No talking about BM and NO comparing of children and such EVER! If he is too dense to see this, try to focus on YOUR experience and how special it is for YOU. The realities of step life sometimes really suck....

Best wishes!
And congrats!

Just J's picture

Submitted by Just J on Mon, 11/25/2013 - 8:52pm

When I got pregnant with my daughter I told DH up front that there were 4 words he was never, ever allowed to utter under ANY circumstance whatsoever:

"When BM was pregnant..."

I did not want to know about a single moment of her pregnancy, birth, etc. None of it did not concerned me, had anything to do with my pregnancy and I just couldn't have cared less. Period dot. And he didn't, because he knew what was good for him. BM is a shit mom so I certainly didn't need any anecdotes from her life as a mother while I prepared for mine.

I told DH that I was a little concerned that he'd have a "been there, done that" attitude but he didn't. He was actually very excited to raise kids with someone he loves and have babies that were actually planned and he was ready for (SS was a "let's have a baby to save our crumbling marriage" baby and Sd was a complete oops). And now that our kids are 10 and 5, he's been thrilled to parent our kids with me, since BM never let him parent his kids, and the kids were fairly young when they divorced so he was an EOW dad most of their lives. So I have been able to find new experiences with DH, despite the fact that he had two kids before me.

LaLaLaaa's picture

Submitted by LaLaLaaa on Mon, 11/25/2013 - 10:42pm

Yup! Just like everyone else suggested...this might be one of those time when u might need to whack him over the head with the Pan! (Figuratively speaking of course! Lol) for him to GErT it! Men are sometimes Oblivious!!!

LuckyGirl's picture

Submitted by LuckyGirl on Tue, 11/26/2013 - 4:03am

I had an emergency C-section and was upset because I wanted a natural birth... Until my sister, a midwife, pointed out that the best outcome and ultimate goal of pregnancy is a healthy baby and a healthy mum!
I'm just so grateful she's here and she's fine.
Best of luck to you.