I just want to say thank GOD I have the dh I have
There is no way I could put up with the shit some of you ladies do nor could I look at some of these things the way you do either. Sorry but I believe a relationship is a 2 way street and if there is something that bugs me I bring it up to dh and we decide together what will happen.
He told me when we first got together that our marriage was the most important thing to him. Of course he has 3 kids and they are his responsibility but that doesn't mean that he would put our marriage on the back burner.
As a result his boys respect me and we have a good relationship. even to the point that ss18 automatically assumed I was going to the movies with them and he bought me a ticket.
My point is that if my dh ever wanted to put the any of the kids above me that would be the end. Plus he isn't stupid enough to do that anyway.
But I do have to say that if I came in and moved in with them and one of my step sons had a pic of bm and MY dh on his wall he would sit his kid down and have a talk with him and to just put it away as it is my home too now and they should all make me feel welcome.
And again if I'm paying any bills weather I am working or staying home to take care of the home I should have some say in what goes on my walls. It's more of respect and it would be a missed opportunity for dad to teach his kid empathy and thinking of others too. It's not like I asked for the pic to be gone just put away and it would also help the kid to move on.
I guess I'm not wrapping my brain around this concept that a 13 year old couldn't understand that things change and some times we do things to for others.
Just like my skids they humor me with all my christmas stuff I do including pics, they have gotten to point they will ask what do you want us to wear and they wear it with NO complaints. its just what families do.
I guess I'm just not getting this. And to address the sm should be the one to have empathy about the pic is that I mean come on who really wants to know there is a pic of their dh with someone else on their wall in their home? I mean I guess I could get pics of me and my exdh and hang them up 'for my kids' I bet that wouldnt last more than a sec.
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Comments
There are a lot of blogs that
There are a lot of blogs that I read on here that I easily understand and sympathies with, but there are also quite a few people who put up with way more than I could ever handle, and have from the beginning. I think the best advice I could ever give a new SM would be to take things slow, understand who you are getting in a relationship with and lay the ground rules and expectations prior to any kind of engagement with the kids.
Why would a picture in
Why would a picture in someone else's bedroom make a future SM feel helpless?
Tog I'm not talking about
Tog I'm not talking about just a pic of bm but a pic of bm and MY dh together. I dont care if they have pics of together bm but with my dh no. I should have clarified that. BIG difference in my opinion.
hey
hey JustaStepmom...^^^^^^^that right there will be Princess Boy...photos of MoMMMMYYYY all over his walls...cause we all know he will end up living in her basement...at 40...dressing as a woman...with a little white dog.... }:)
(No subject)
:jawdrop:
Insecurity my ass. It's
Insecurity my ass. It's uncomfortable. Sure, I'd sit and look at entire box of pics of DH with BM, but I wouldn't want them anywhere in my house. Her face doesn't belong ANYWHERE in my home. Point blank. In a drawer maybe so the Skid can pine over her ugly ass, but not anywhere where I can see it.
Not just you, but when women
Not just you, but when women have to be so authoritative to make their "ownership" or "position" in their home known, it reminds me of our BM having to "own" her children & make it clear in case the thought was EVER to cross ANYone's mind that she is not their parent.
Why not just piss on the carpet in every room in YOUR house so that there will NEVER be a question that EVERY room belongs to YOU?
Hell, piss in the little drawer they're allowed to bury a picture of their mother in to be certain they never forget that every space belongs to you.
Really, are they allowed to look at the picture with their bedroom door open, or do they need to only sneak peaks in moments when they know you won't happen to be passing by their doorway?
I would not let MY kid put a
I would not let MY kid put a pic of me and my ex together. Even if I was not remarried. yuk
I'm pretty chill, so a lot of
I'm pretty chill, so a lot of stuff doesn't bother me until it interferes with me directly. When SD stayed with us during the summers, she could have had a shrine to BM and DH in there for all we knew. I'm just not wired to care about a photo of BM and DH being in a place I don't see it.
twopines that is where we
twopines that is where we will have to disagree b/c I will go into any of the kids rooms if I think there is a need so yep I'd see a pic of my dh with his ex. I'm talking about basic parenting here. In my opinion kids shouldnt have privacy til they are paying for their OWN home. This is not about the pic it is about basic parenting to me.
I'm blessed with an
I'm blessed with an incredibly thoughtful & supportive DH as well. He's sympathetic & aware of my feelings as I am of his.
One thing he has always expressed gratitude for is my genuine want & effort to help his kids feel loved in our home.
SS8 (at the time) had a 5x7 framed pic of BM & DH on his dresser when I met DH.
When we moved to new house together SS was 11. I pulled stuff out of boxes & told him to put them where he wanted them. He put the picture on his nightstand, but there wasn't room for the picture & his alarm clock, so I put his picture on top of his dresser.
I'm not a fan of BM, but seeing pictures of her with DH doesn't make me angry or hurt or betrayed or fearful or insecure. It doesn't trigger anything in me because I've never tried to convince myself that he never loved her or that they were never happy together. I accepted all of that well before I agreed to move in with him.
SS is now 20 & still carries a print of that same photo in his wallet. I don't care. Why would it hurt my feelings to know that my SS likes to look at photos of his parents together? I like to see photos of my parents together too.
SD had pictures in a little box that she liked to look at. I offered to put one in a frame on her dresser & she preferred to keep them all together in her little box.
I'd be PISSED to have someone come into my bedroom & try to tell me I couldn't have pictures of MY family where I wanted them. I certainly wouldn't try to dictate what someone else is allowed to have in their bedroom.
Like tog, what someone has in their bedroom is none of my business.
Eh, pics of BM and DH in my
Eh, pics of BM and DH in my house? nope. I'm not pretending they never loved each other but DH hates her now and that's all that matters. She has been a greedy selfish bitch and even the kids know it. They blame her for their parents breakup "because she yelled too much". I think it would be disrespectful for the kids to put up pics of them together knowing how horrible she is to their father.
Ok well you ladies can
Ok well you ladies can continue to not parent by not going into kids rooms and pretend that they have nothing in there you shouldn't know about. talk about head in sand.
I will on my end continue to parent and go in my kids rooms if I see fit and make sure there is nothing they are doing or have in there that is not something they should. Again i'm not really talking about a pic but more of basic parenting.
So If I am doing my basic parenting and have reason to believe they have something in there room they shouldn't and I go in there I still don't want to see a pic of MY dh with his ex! it is not insecurity or anything it is MY home and I don't want that in my home.
Again the kid can put the pic in an album in his room. but there is no meed to have it on the wall.
If my SS's room ever had to
If my SS's room ever had to be snooped round in it would be my husbands place to parent his kid and 'search'. My children's rooms are mine to worry about, SS's was DH's to worry about. I would never take it on myself to march into a teen skid's space and poke around.
I'm with you on this one. My
I'm with you on this one.
My reasons may be different though. I don't want to "parent" his kids. The house is mine. The bedrooms are mine. Skids just stay there sometimes. I've taken down less offensive things from those bedroom walls than the couple pics you are talking about. Because it's my house.
I have full confidence in my
I have full confidence in my DH's ability to take care of anything going on in his kid's bedroom. I don't feel like I have to state my position & rights in our household by policing a 13-year old boys bedroom.
Good Lord...the thought of what teenage boys do in their bedrooms...
I'd have to take a shower every time I came out of there to get the heebie-jeebies off of me.
Why would you feel like YOU need to be the one to go into a teenage boy's bedroom & search for whatever you think they shouldn't have? That sounds like a combination of being nosey & some sort of power trip to me...like a need to prove that you have authority in your house.
Everyone has different family
Everyone has different family dynamics going on.
As far as I'm concerned, DH was lucky I gave up two rooms in my house for his kids when he moved in with me. They are only there EOWE so they don't really need to think the rooms belong to them. That is their sanctuary when they are with us and we don't bother them. When they aren't there, it's OUR space again. We use the rooms for other overnight guests and family too.
I dont get this either but in
I dont get this either but in a very different way.
I dont care about BM, if she was crawling on the side of a road in the desert in 150 degree heat and needed a drink I wouldnt stop. I wouldnt even slow down.
Pictures of BM in my house have always been allowed, in the childs room where I can close the door.
Now BM doesnt feel that way. When we did family portraits a couple of years ago she burned the picture of the 4 kids. (my two and dh two)
Some people can handle it some people cant
I glad I found man who
I glad I found man who wasn't looking for nanny or a mommy fill in. He parents his kids so I have reason to take on that role.
A picture in their room would not bother me all.
Actually, yes. My ex-DIL does
Actually, yes. My ex-DIL does allow GS12 to have photos in his bedroom of my DS and new DIL.
Hahaha! Yes, this is a great
Hahaha! Yes, this is a great idea.
SS10 likes me. He has told me that his mom is embarrassing in public because she is loud and annoying. He said likes going out to dinner with DH and I because we don't fight in public. We don't even fight in the house. The poor kid said all this in such an incredulous tone as if out of control fighting is just the norm in a relationship.
Therefore, for his sake of course, he should hang up a pic of DH and I in his room at his mom's house. Yeah, that would be super awesome.
If this blog did anything for me today, it made me feel really lucky that my skids are aware enough of other people's feelings to avoid that kind of drama.
Parents that don't go into
Parents that don't go into their teenagers rooms to inspect what they're up to, usually end up with the ones that build bombs right under their fucking noses. Get out of here with that bullshit.
^^^LOL !!
^^^LOL !!
Why is it assumed that a
Why is it assumed that a child who looks at a picture that shows his parents happy together is secretly harboring unhealthy issues about their parents & that relationship?
When kids have parent who don't like each other & don't get along, is it wrong for them to want to see pictures of a time when their parents were happy together because the new lady doesn't like it?
IMO, it seems to be the women struggling with the "reality" of things. The reality is that their SO's/DH's had happy times with women before them. Hell, many of them even LOVED those women!
THAT is the reality. People seem to want to squash the thought that their man was ever so happy with someone else by forcing the images away. That's called denial.
A DH sitting around
A DH sitting around reminiscing about an ex-wife indeed would be highly insensitive and disrespectful (I can't imagine any new partner/SO/SM putting up with that).
But this "It is not denial. It is called moving on...divorce does that" is an assumption that all relationships end only in divorce or a broken-up couple due to desiring to end being together. Some children are not children of divorce or broken couples, but instead one of their parents has died. In this type of 'cause' I think it would be cruel to demand the child and/or adult child to 'hide' all pictures of a deceased parent or family photos including a deceased parent. It's not that the child/adult child can't just move on and stop being in 'denial'...they know their parent is dead, they know life is for the living and life must go on. IMO if I kept a photo of my father or a photo of my mother and father together on a wall in my home and my mother's SO of 22yrs had come in and felt all nose outs joint and 'move on already lady' attitude on me, he would not have been invited back into my home. Truth be told, I eventually added a photo of my mother's SO and several of Mom and SO together. I'm not sure that would have happened if my mother would have had the confrontational 'hide those pictures in a box' request.
I adored my mother's SO, but had he entered my life with 'get over it kiddo, Papa is dead and that's the past, you must respect I'm top dog now with your Mama now' crap he would have instantly destroyed any relationship ever building between the two of us. And yes, my mother has photos of both gentleman in her home. Mother never gave up her own home, though she did basically live with her SO...there were also photos of my father in SO's home as my father and SO were 1st cousins who had grown up together (he had the photos already there, my mother of course did not hang them at SO house).
I think each of us here is coming here different situations and experienced lots of different things and people in our individual lives. What's right or works for me isn't going to be the same for each member and situation here. Vise versa. That doesn't necessarily make any of us harpies, doormats, push-overs, or insecure. It just means we all have different places we're coming from and deal with things in our own comfortable/acceptable ways. If there were a BM in my life who made my wife miserable for kicks and giggles, PASd dripping from her with every word and action, a kid that was bound and determined to break-up my marriage so his childish wishes of Mommy and Daddy get back together and living happily ever after blah blah blah, yeah, I'd probably want to rip to shreds every last photo in any box or closet and display place I found one. Would I actually do it? I don't know. I'd like to think not, but I've never been pushed into having to find out.
Everyone handles things
Everyone handles things differently. THis is ridiculous, a support board and women bashing eachother for being 'insecure'.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Welcome to Stalk! lol
yes Mairin, there are....and
yes Mairin, there are....and it is beyond stupid...just plain stupid.....and ya' know what...I am not insecure or in denial because I will not allow a pic of BM in my home...don't give a rat's batootie if it's in skids room, the kitchen, or the f'n bathroom on the toilet...it will not come into my home...my marriage....period....the end.....
Agree with the NO PICS of BM
Agree with the NO PICS of BM absolutely any goddamn where in my house!!
There is no way, no how, absolutely no chance whatsoever that her revolting evil heifer face will be beaming down at me from any place in my house - and yup - that also includes skids rooms! Skids wouldn't be so disrespectful as to do that because they know that would 'cause world war 3 with DH. He detests - just LOATHES BM and would probably be physically ill if he saw her pic at our place.
I can just imagine if skids put a pic of DH and me up on their bedroom wall - we'd hear the outraged shrieks from our place..!
Insecurity, my ass! It's to stop DH and I from feeling the need to vomit if we saw that hideous creature up on our walls!
I haven't read all the posts
I haven't read all the posts to this topic but did want to say that ss16 when I met Dh and him had a pic of him, dh and dh's xgf all over his room. I admit to it bugging me, especially when I had to dust or clean his room, and I was tempted so often to chuck them. I didn't and when we moved in May to this place he didn't put them up but instead put up pics of his gf all over! It just took time.