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Where's the fine line between moving on from your ex but letting them be in your kids lives? What does it mean

Anon2009's picture

Submitted by Anon2009 on Tue, 12/17/2013 - 1:21pm

My SDs BM had trouble with this. I know it because of her behavior. She wanted nothing to do with DH. I don't think she wants him back. He definitely doesn't want her back. But she didn't want him in the kids' lives either. A judge rightfully told her that the kids need their dad. But I guess her behavior, and that of so many other BMs, makes me wonder where that fine line is and what it means.

For me, it means:

-bio-parents get a new partner
-bio-parents decide to pursue opportunities they couldn't while with the other parent
-bio-parents communicate about kids only
-bio-parents don't interfere in the others' custody time
-bio-parents realize on some level that while they hate their ex and divorced them, the kids did not and still need that other parent in their lives, deserve to have some holidays and birthdays with them, and they need to be adults about it
-bio-parents realize they shouldn't involve the kids in their disputes with the other parent
-bio-parents realize that they don't have to have empathy for ex anymore but should for their kids

Anything else you can add?

Comments

Mercury's picture

Submitted by Mercury on Tue, 12/17/2013 - 1:34pm

That is a great list. Wish my husband's ex could handle at least one or two of those things.

SMof2Girls's picture

Submitted by SMof2Girls on Tue, 12/17/2013 - 1:35pm

Some people just suck at boundaries. Our BM is a control freak. DH is naturally a more passive personality. In the beginning, he had a lot of trouble navigating their divorce and maintaining time with his kids.

Sometimes this meant entertaining too many conversations with BM, or giving her extra money. It had nothing to do with wanting to get back together with her, or her him. It had everything with her being a great manipulator and knowing how to get what she wanted.

I'll never understand leaping to a conclusion that all of that somehow means they wanted to or should have gotten back together.

Sometimes it takes people time to adjust their lives and set/enforce boundaries they are comfortable with. And that comfort threshold is different for everyone.

GameOn's picture

Submitted by GameOn on Tue, 12/17/2013 - 3:06pm

Or when the women who think that because they gave birth and thier exes are stuck dealing with them for however long, that it means that they can continuously punish their ex, hold the kids over his head, and threaten, bully, lie, and manipulate in order to get what they feel that they are entitled to.

News flash b!tch. If you were entitled to it you wouldn't have to threaten someone in order to get it.