Well, I called things off with ex-SO... again. I tried again for two whole months this time - that's the longest I've "tried" in the year since we broke up. Every time before, I would come back and freak out and leave after a week or two. I think two months is a fair shot.

I was thinking today about what I had to give up to be with ex-SO and what prevents me from being able to accept his situation and go back to it. For some reason the "little" things are what drive me the most crazy. I think that's because, after I left, I appreciated those little things so much more. Is that normal? Is it the "big" things (financial, BM drama) or the little, petty, day to day things that drive you insane?

I think basically what it boils down to for me is loss of control. That my weekends weren't my own. That I couldn't do what I what, when I wanted to. Maybe that's immature, but I really value that in life - especially after I gave it up for so long. I'm 31 and childless... I should have been out enjoying my life in my late 20's. I wasn't, I was sitting at home with ex-SO and his kid or sitting at home by myself because he would make me feel guilty when I went out without him.

It was just simple stuff. Like we only had the weekends together due to his schedule, so I had limited time for friends and hobbies and other things that made me happy. Things that he never understood because he didn't have the time for them himself between his work schedule, kid schedule, and a relationship. Our big problem always was that he doesn't have much going on outside of his significant other. Me, I have multiple things in life that make me happy... I always thought that was the healthiest thing, but he doesn't operate that way.

I feel relieved. A bit stupid, because part of me feels that I went back to him because the relationship I had after him didn't work out, and it was the holidays, and I was lonely and scared. I don't want to feel like I used him, which is what he keeps telling me. Like I said, I tried for two months this time. I can't look back and say I never tried, that I bailed - that's kind of how I felt when I left. That I let things build for so long and I left very quickly and it wasn't fair because he didn't get the opportunity to change things. Well, he tried this time, so I do feel bad about that a little. He was getting a babysitter every other week. He sent me flowers at work. He bought me jewelry, stuff he never did. He was trying not to give me grief when I went out with friends, even if it cut into our time. He was trying. But we were still fighting EVERY SINGLE WEEK, ALL WEEK, for two months. How is that healthy? He tries to tell me we aren't toxic - uh... ok.

He keeps acting like my life is a choice between snapping him up and accepting his life - basically continuing to live my life feeling like I'm trying to cram a square peg into a round hole - or end up a single cat lady. And I think for awhile I let that fear get the better of me. I'm 31, with no kids, I'm smart, have a great job, live in an awesome city with a lot of single people my age. Online dating may be annoying and depressing sometimes, but it's shown me there are other people out there. And I'm okay with being alone for awhile. And after two months of feeling like I am living my life "against the grain" - if that makes any sense - I'd rather be alone. At least then I have some peace and quiet, not to mention freedom.