After I ended things with ex-SO again yesterday, he seemed okay with it but then I started getting hit with the usual text messages all afternoon. He said that the way he got over his stupidity about the situation before (when HE was never happy with his own life and making the rest of us miserable) was that, after I left, every day he thought that if that day was his last day, how would he want to spend it, and with whom. I understand what he's saying, because that is EXACTLY what I was thinking when I decided to get back together with him and try yet again. It took me awhile to realize though, that's living in FEAR.

I love ex-SO very much - somehow, despite the fact that we have conflicting personalites and fight all the freaking time - and yeah, right now, if I were in a hospital dying, he is who I would want there. I love him and when the sh*t hits the fan, he's perfect. It's every day life that's a struggle.

But is that really any way to LIVE? Putting up with a situation where you feel stifled and confined and just NOT happy because hey, what if I die tomorrow? If every weekend I am dreading hanging out with him and his kid yet again, and I'm choosing to be with someone whose life means that I only get to have the life that I want and makes me happy for just a few hours, two nights a MONTH - is that worth risking dying alone tomorrow or the next day or next year? Ex-SO is the type who would say yes it is. That love is always worth it, and having someone there for support is the most important thing. And a couple of months ago I would have agreed with him. I was lonely, the holidays were coming up, I think I was idealizing the "family" situation in my head a bit, not to mention feeling like I never gave him a fair shot to work things out.

So HE is now feeling a lot more at peace with his lot in life, which is awesome. I think he still would prefer to be able to have more non-kid time, but he at least isn't so miserable and angry about it - at least if he is, he's better at keeping it to himself. But what I have learned is that it wasn't just his anger and misery that was making ME miserable. I just don't want that lifestyle in the first place. I value freedom, spontaneity, having a life and hobbies outside my relationship, and just generally having a relationship that doesn't involve a child 95% of our time together.

I was never truly happy with that situation in four years, and kept trying to shoehorn my way into it and "Buddhist" my way through - go with the flow, live in the moment, be happy with that you have, all that crap. Why I have to always try and reason my way into a situation that just flat-out doesn't make me happy, I don't know. I'm seriously thinking about going to counseling over this. I wonder if most people just say "I'm not happy" and call it a day - I never do that. I try and make myself justify to myself I should be able to accept the situation and I try and force myself to be happy in a situation that is clearly not good for me and never was. Guilt? Not wanting to be a selfish b*tch? Fear? I don't know. I love him, I even care about his son but it's the day to day living that I can't stand. It just isn't what I want out of life. Frankly I'm sick of hearing that I should suck it up because he is there for me no matter what and that "all people have baggage you have to deal with." Easy for him to say, because dating me doesn't involve a third little person and other associated baggage and issues.

I lived in fear for way too long and I'm tired of it. I'm just appalled that anyone would ADVOCATE that way of living.