More with step family politics
I noted in recent blogs that my ExH's step grandad passed away and the memorial was coming up. It's today. It coincides with the one year anniversary if my dad's passing. My dd13 I took my dad's passing extremely hard and has also rolled those feelings into her great grandpa's passing. She asked me to attend the memorial with her. Several times, crying during many if the discussions.
I spoke with my Exh about my attending. The grandpa who passed is his SM's dad. This sm came into his life when he was an adult. She strained the relationship with him and his dad. When our first child was born I did my best to be friends with her, spending the day with her, playing her games but she has always been a witch, marking her territory both with my ex and his brother ( In regards to their dad / her husband) and them again with me and any other wives or gfs). For an example, the first time I spent time alone with her as a young woman, she told me how wonderful ExH's previous girlfriend was and how she would have loved for her to become part of the family. Ouch!!
Anyway. This woman is difficult.
I knew it would not be her preference for me to be at her fathers memorial but hoped that she could allow it for dad's sake.
Nope. Apparently even though she is over the fact that ExH and I divorced (8 years ago) she does not want me there on her day, sitting in the back with her step granddaughter - her only granddaughter who she loves to death ...not to mention my two son's, her only other grandchildren.
Please note that my ex and his wife are extremely embarrassed by this.
Please also note that this is not my ExH's mother. Who I still maintain a friendly relationship with.
This woman!!!
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Comments
I am sorry for your loss and
I am sorry for your loss and for your DD13 as well. I know that you want to support your child in her grief and it must be frustrating to be denied that opportunity.
It is difficult. I try to ask
It is difficult. I try to ask myself in these sticky situations what is like my children to see and learn.
My Exh invited me to his wedding. I didn't want to go but went as a show of solidarity and family for our children. That was an important day for them and their dad's side of the family. I went to support them and show my approval and celebrate with them.
My Exh also came to a one year memorials we had earlier this week for my father. It was very small and intimate. His wife was welcome but she chose not to come and she did not want to intrude and did not have any "grieving" or memorializig to do
I guess it just really drives home the fact how when a woman wants to be the queen bee, and she's allowed to throw her weight around, she will. Exh also let me know during his wedding that "some people" we're not ok with me being invited and he had to explain to that person that it was an event about family.
I spoke with my daughter and
I spoke with my daughter and asked her if she was aware that I would not be able to attend (as she got ready at my home, I helped her with her hair and outfit, ironed my boys' shirts..).
She said that dad explains I her that he and an would be there to assist her with her grieving and that that would be satisfactory. (Which I knew Exh would try for as the explanation).
I explained that I was not going due to step grandma's preference. Dd was shocked. I explained that sgrandma clearly had lots of feelings about me and her dad divorcing and that my experiences with her weren't always positive. Dd chimed in "oh ya, I know!!! Once I didn't have the right clothes and she made a huge deal for an hour to get me something to wear in front of her friends).
I told dd (and my boys) that I could share some additional memories and thoughts when they returned this evening.
So stupid and how could she
So stupid and how could she do that to a child. I have mixed feelings about kids at funerals anyway.
I think the truth is I don't believe in funerals period. Misery in front of everyone you know, not helpful in my book.