Gonna have a LYS (lose your shit) moment - advice appreciated.
Seriously! Sometimes I get so effing tired of the skid circus and when I reach that point, my spidey-senses for skid misbehavior kicks into overdrive. So I need to know if I should let this slide, or address it. I welcome all feedback, even if it faults me.
Background:
This weekend we (DH, two skids, my DD) went away for the weekend for a sporting event in which the SD12, SD8 and DD11 participated. My exH, his GF, the GFs kids, and exHs family were there. This event is a huge deal. We all get along great (weird, but true) and have done stuff together before. Our hotel rooms were near each other so there was a lot of interaction.
Whenever, and I mean WHENEVER, skids get around people they aren’t around a lot (exHs GF and exHs family), and those people have an established connection with DD11, the skids turn into jealous, attention-seeking, baby-talking, cute wittle princesses in an attempt to monopolize any/all conversations, interactions, and adult-attention, most specifically any attention that might be directed to DD11. Skids act like annoying PITAs (think mosquito that lingers in your room at night when you’re trying to sleep). I know what the skids are doing (undermining DD11 and interfering with the praise she is receiving for her phenomenal performance at the sporting event), but to others, the skids maybe just seem like mosquitoes?! I know the skids cannot stand sharing attention with DD11 anyway, but when it comes to the DD11’s dad-side, bio family, the skids go crazy to make sure attention is directed their way instead. I know what I see, but hope the DH will deal with it. I’m sure exHs family sees it to some extent too. Apparently DH may or may not see it, but no one says anything to the skids and BTW, aren’t the skids sooo cuttteee?
Because the skids’ behaviors are not pointed out, they continue to be annoying mosquitoes all weekend (thanks, DH!). The skids also bumped up their game and start interrupting me, hanging on dadddyyyy when dadddyyy is conversing with other adults, and resorting back to behaviors we (DH and me) had previously, (and successfully, I thought) addressed. It was how our dysfunctional family was 2 years ago - as if we’d stepped back in time. I did tell DH once this weekend what I was witnessing and I didn’t like it, and felt he needed to address it. He didn’t. It was as if he thought the skids are just too adorable, everyone must think so, we’re all having a great time and why ruin it by enforcing already-established boundaries/rules?
So today is Monday, the weekend is over. I’m still unhappy with how this weekend was handled, but am actually willing to let it go - knowing this was a rare weekend and likely wouldn’t occur again for another year. And what do I see this morning? The proverbial straw that breaks this camel’s back? I surprised DH and SD12 by having breakfast with them (usually I shower at that time so they can have a few minutes every day of just dad-daughter time since SD8 and DD11 get up later) and what do I see? SD12 eating DD11’s food (specifically purchased food for DD11 because of a medical condition). I asked “SD12, isn’t that DD11s breakfast food?” and DH interjects, “Yes. SD12 asked if she could have it and I said it was ok.” Cue Tabby’s hairy eyeball directed at DH followed by a pregnant pause and I then asked “Didn’t I just buy $100 worth of groceries, including all of the breakfast food SD12 requested?” Silence. Why, for the love of all things holy, must the SD12 eat DD11s food? Oh that’s right. Because she is a selfish cow who was allowed to be a selfish cow all weekend, and who dry-humped my DD11 every chance she got this weekend, and now SD12 is going to continue dry-humping my DD11 by eating her food despite the fact SD12 has a cabinet full of her favorite meals. [dry-humping definition: doing something that makes you feel good, feel powerful, feel in control, but really you look like a complete idiot doing it. Like what my 9-pound Alpha Female Terrier Dog used to do all the time to a bunny stuffed animal]
I’m going have a LYS moment later today with DH regarding this weekend’s skid unacceptable behavior and the breakfast food this morning if you guys don’t bitch-slap me for being too sensitive. Fire away, peeps! Let everything go? Or address it?
- tabby yabba do's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
Address, address, address!!!!
Address, address, address!!!!
You are most certainly NOT
You are most certainly NOT being too sensitive. Your SD12 is acting like a damn toddler and your DH needs to step up and reign her in. The breakfast thing ticks me off... so were they BOTH thinking they were being sneaky, since you normally don't eat breakfast with them and they got busted when you decided to surprise them? I hate that crap. To me that is DH and mini wife nonsense... let's pair up against Tabby and DD. GRRRR.. I am angry for you!
^^ that is how I felt ^^ DH
DH and SD12 knew it wasn't right to eat DD11s food, but paired up together to buck the already-established rule regarding that.
I think this warrants a LYS
I think this warrants a LYS moment.
Good luck!
What did dh think your dd
What did dh think your dd would have for breakfast instead?
I had just purchased the
I had just purchased the food, so there was enough left for DD11 to eat later.
Because the package was newly opened, I think DH and SD12 thought I wouldn't notice if SD12 ate some (and truthfully, I wouldn't have noticed except I surprised them at breakfast and saw SD12 eating it myself). I think they would know better than to eat the *last* of DD11s food (that would have caused a Mom-Foo moment out of me, it wouldn't have been pretty). But I"m guessing they figured what I don't know, won't hurt me - so taking food from the fresh package is less noticeable - as long as I don't catch them doing it. Sneaky as shit.
Shady, shady. I hate that
Shady, shady. I hate that kind of stuff.
Yea, I think this is an
Yea, I think this is an absolutely appropriate reaction to have. Even without all of the crap that went on over the weekend, I would still say it's totally appropriate to be pissed off about the food thing. Like, seriously? That's food that you buy specifically for DD for medical reasons and it's not like you aren't providing food for the skids to eat. I'm pissed off for you right now.
I have to disagree. We have
I have to disagree.
We have the same battle ground here, although I am on the other side of your battle. SS16 has "special food" only he can have. I don;t like the idea in my home of one person dictating what the other people can and can not have. Now, his is for food preference and not for medical reasons, but as long as there is always some left so that your daughter can have it if she wants it, why exclude other people?
The exclusion makes the other people feel like less. I feel less a member of my house when I can't eat the sacred cheese.
So, I feel the issue with the food should be dropped. The issue with the weekend? OMG address that. That would drive me apeshit. And I bet the other visitors were wishing someone would tell them to STFU.
Personally, whether it's for
Personally, whether it's for medical reasons or not, I see no problem with someone wanting to have a particular food item to themselves. I do it at my home - I stash stuff that I don't want SD to devour. However, when it's for medical reasons, it's way different. One (preference) is just a person not wanting to share. The other (medical reason) is ensuring that the person who benefits from having the food has the food available to eat.
Same, HollowPoints! Before we
Same, HollowPoints! Before we made our house completely GF, and back when my Crohn's was not in remission, I had special food for myself for medical reasons (of course now everything in our house is me-safe and suitable). SD wasn't allowed to just eat it as she wished, she had to ask if it was OK and then I would decide if I would share it with her, but usually the answer was no because she could eat literally anything else she wanted (besides meat because vegetarians don't really like that).
There were plenty of times where SD would take the food I had purchased for myself that I could eat without asking me and leave the food that she could eat. Like, when my Crohn's was active, I had to be on a low fiber diet and stick to soluble fiber, so I couldn't enjoy things like fresh fruit and veg. She would beg FDH to buy her some at the store, but then when she was at the house, she would eat my snacks and leave the fresh produce that I couldn't eat. I lost my shit on FDH a couple of times over it, and lost my shit on her, too.
For the record, I also buy
For the record, I also buy SD12 special school snacks, that DD11 and SD8 aren't allowed to eat, because SD12 has a tree-nut sensitivity. If everyone suddenly starts eating SD12 snacks, SD12 may be left without, and I haven't allowed that to happen.
I think SD12 has gotten a pretty big ego trip regarding her "special snacks," because I've seen her condescendingly advise SD8 and DD11 that they can't eat her special snacks. Food = power in this home, at least for the SD12. It used to be only SD12 had a dietary restriction, she was the only one who got "special food" in the house. We all respected that without push-back. But last year DD11 was diagnosed and now has her own restrictions. Again, SD12 cannot stand any attention-sharing, especially with DD11, and special food and special exceptions in our house always used to be SD12s domain. But it isn't anymore. I think SD12 is pissed.
I also realize food is a huge trigger for me, as food does have the ability to represent power in a household - like furkidsforme mentioned. Saying "no you can't have this food" to one while allowing another to consume it can become exclusionary/mean-girl behavior if it is allowed to. That kind of power could be easily abused. I'm very aware of that. I only insist on food-exception rules for the medical conditions in our house (only SD12 and DD11 have dietary restrictions. SD12s restriction is there are foods she "can't" eat whereas my DD11s restrictions are foods she "has" to eat to manage her condition). Every other morsel of food in our home is fair-game to all.
I truly believe when SD12 eats DD11s food, she is simply dry-humping DD11. SD12 eats DD11s food to prove she can, that DD11 doesn't get to have exceptions made on her behalf. And what are we going to do about it anyway, if SD12 eats DD11s food? Make her throw it up? It's like SD12 thinks no food in our home can be denied her, even though for two years SD8 and DD11 didn't touch hers. SD12 dry-humps her way through the cabinets to assert that power. I think DH sees it as "SD12 just wants to eat DD11s food once in a while, it's no big deal." I don't believe it's that innocent.
Here is my take on
Here is my take on it..Everyone living under your roof part time or not has matured and learned some boundaries which took a lot to get there I'm sure. Then you attend an event like last weekend and you saw them back peddle. You look at that behavior and know that there is extra work ahead to get everyone back on track with boundaries, respect, and all that. Maybe you are having feelings of guilt bc you are stepping back looking in and seeing that it will be you who puts the foot down first before anything will get back on track.
In actuality, it took a lot of effort to enforce boundaries, respect, and such but when they are around family and ex's, its natural for them to resort back to their old ways. I think of it like SD12 might behave like she is 12 on your terms but she may act 8 years of age around others if she stopped maturing at that age with them..make any sense??
Well I'd take that first step in putting your foot down and do what you got to do so everyone can get back on track again. Once DH is on the same page with you again, that might be a good time to explain these things to him. Lol I think of it like a game of cops and robbers..
First, what is a LYS
First, what is a LYS moment?
Anyway, definately address this and I would paraphrase almost exactly as you did in your post.
The horrible weekend and then the straw that broke the camel's back when you came upon SD eating DD's breakfaast food and how it really felt like it was an act of SD & DH acting in unison as if they were being sneaky since you don't usually join them for breakfast.
Lose Your Shit moment, I
Lose Your Shit moment, I updated the title
Ahh...LOL The time to lose
Ahh...LOL
The time to lose it would have been when you first came down for breakfast I feel. Now it just needs to be a calm necessary "discussion" with DH...but if he gives you any problems, like offering to go purchase more breakfast food to replace what SD ate, then I would lose it because that shows that he just doesnt get it.
I always like to give a reverse situation and ask DH how he would feel, ie..if this was me and mk kid doing something similar to what you and your kid did, how would you react?
He was being a Disney dad and
He was being a Disney dad and didn't want to tell princess 'no'. Make him replace it.
Regression is so easy with these kids. We had family over for a birthday, and since they were eating cake in the family room, SD was allowed to as well. Now she thinks she can eat in there even though the rule is 'no'.
Of course she got cake on the floor.
I think you did great.
I think you did great. Personally, I would have snatched the plate away & thrown it away. So hey you're better then me today.
SD12 is still on her weekend
SD12 is still on her weekend high dryhumping your DD and your DD's bio-family "resorting back to behaviors we had previously addressed". You know as well as we all…it is a process. LYS and quick! This is BS! My Skid would do this when we went to my family's house. go up to daaaaaddddy in the middle of a grown-up group-talk and lay on him (standing). Talk about dry humping!
At one point I had highly
At one point I had highly elevated blood sugar due to medications and had a VERY restricted diet so would be able to delay going on insulin (I still have regular blood tests but no longer need to prick myself daily because after a great deal of mucking about with my drugs I am no longer diabetic)and certain foods were just MINE. One day SS decided he liked my expensive diabetic snacks better than his (which I could not eat) and ate the last one. DH completely lost his shit on SS and took SS and his piggy bank to the store at 9pm where SS was forced to buy me new diabetic treats which were not cheap. My now normal food snacks are never touched and it has been nearly a year. My diet is still fairly restricted and no one touches my food without permission or DH will lose it again.
Ok, I've decided I'm having
Ok, I've decided I'm having my LYS moment later today with DH. Except I'll be calm about it. More like Control-My-Shit-but-be-direct about both the unacceptable weekend regression behavior and this morning's SD12 dry-humping incident.
So much good advice, thank you everyone.
And, Starla, you summed it up perfectly (and without emotion) so I think I'll steal your approach.
It's like she's saying, "You
It's like she's saying, "You took my daddy. I'll take your breakfast" Even trade
Update: Last night I calmly
Update: Last night I calmly explained to DH my displeasure with his kids' behaviors this weekend, and SD12 specifically for eating DD11s food. He said he observed this weekend's behavior and acknowledged he should have stepped up and addressed it but didn't (l-a-z-y parenting). He said he still didn't think SD12 eating DD11s food was a big deal. I tried to use as few words as possible to explain my concern (and none of the words were "dry humping"
) He said he understood my point but still didn't agree SD12 meant anything by it. ((deep sigh, can't win 'em all))
I then spoke to SD12 directly and advised her DH and I talked and agreed that any food requests related to DD11s food items had to be run through me. And the answer would always be no. I thought of letting DH handle this discussion with her, but after his less-than-supportive position on DD11s food, I decided I was the better person to deliver that message to SD12. Hopefully I haven't shot myself in the foot by creating a DH/SD team against Tabby.