Raising my children
So I've been reading a lot of blog posts/ forum topics and whatnot and have been alerted to the fact that Skids, even while having very little contact with Bio kids, can sill have an impact on them. I am hoping that I can raise my children to understand that most of the behaviors the Skids exhibit and not acceptable, even though they are acceptable by my DH. I know that in the end, the way the Skids are/act is directly related to the way they were poorly raised by both DH and BM. They each parented with an agenda. DH wanting to give them everything due to guilt, and hopefully they will love him no matter what (Blah :sick: ) and BM trying to make herself look like an injured innocent and turn the Skids into little terrors when around me.
So with that being said, I am very hesitant to allow my DH to have any say in the manor of parenting (since really he has never shown true parenting skill to me). I don't know how I am supposed to trust his judgment when I see the Monsters that have resulted in his attempt. (if you want to call it that) I know some of you will ask "then why stay?" or "you need to learn to co-parent" I want to co-parent!!! Do you really think I like to be "the bad guy" NO! It really sucks that I have to be the one to discipline the kids. (my DH like to just yell at them and not provide any consequences; where as I take privileges away) It sucks that DH is always saying in front of the kids that I'm being too hard on them, and that they're just kids. OH MY GOD!!!! It's DEJA VU!!!!! History is repeating!!! NOOOOO!!!
We cannot seem to compromise and I do not want my kids to think that being disrespectful and a brat is ok. I want them to know that they will always be accountable for THEIR actions and that when they do something wrong its not going to end with a "talk" they will forfeit certain privileges that have been allowed to them.
Mostly I am worried about my little girl. So far I have seen poor parenting skills demonstrated by my DH when it comes to his girls and I hope that he wont out of habit show poor parenting when it comes to her.
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Comments
I agree with Sueu2, because
I agree with Sueu2, because I've been there and done that.
It took a lot of work, and still takes some work sometimes, but you have to draw boundaries for your DH when it comes to parenting your kids. Kids are very perceptive, and will pick up in a split second that there are different standards your DH has for his kids vs your kids (regardless of the age difference).
When you are disciplining
When you are disciplining your kids, be clear to your DH that he is to stay out of it. If necessary, tell him you don't want them ending up like his or thinking what they do is acceptable.
Say the same to your kids. Use the skids as an example of how you don't want them to be.
Yes I agree it is a very fine
Yes I agree it is a very fine tightrope, always. I personally would be a little more careful not to use my skids as a cautionary tale to the bios, because until a couple years ago we had both brought our two up to have affection for them and it will not be understood if that tune changes; and even if they had not had affection, the bios could end up being used as the battleground between the spouses with DH defending himself to them in like kind. I think one has to be a little bit subtle here, whilst pointing out specific instances to the bios, not completely generalizing in one's criticism of the skids, and so on.
I am confident that your own kids will see it like it truly is as they mature, so long as you discipline them fairly and supportively.
But the problem with this disney dadding is twofold, one that they are too lenient as you say, but the other that they can get over-aggressive later when your child is older and they don't know how to discipline with love so they turn to anger too quickly.
My current problem with this issue is that it is very exhausting being the more careful parent, because as you say the load is always on you. But in my view you still have to take it on, out of parental commitment to your own kids.