Should he be telling me about his visitation plans?
I'm not sure if I'm overreacting, being too controlling or if I really do have a right to know and be involved, but it's gotten to the point that when my BF has his kids for a week here and there, he refuses to tell me until I find out at the last minute by him not taking them home when he is supposed to.
We do not live together, but this of course is a big reason why. I am not at all saying that he needs to run this by me or get approval, but when we still spend every day together and the kids are always around when they are there, shouldn't I be advised or let know in advance what his plans are to keep the kids? Him and his ex do not have any sort of CO they just wing it so the extra weeks and extra time other than eowe is always a decision between the 2 of them, which is fine.
Every time this comes up, he always comes up with a different excuse on why he didn't tell me or we didn't talk about it. It's either, he knew I wouldn't like it, it was what his ex wanted or the latest tonight, he knew I had a headache for 2 days on fri and sat so he didn't tell me and even though we spent all day today together, it still never came up until 7pm rolled around and I said "hey, aren't you taking the kids home?" Surprise! :? I'm sick of the sneakiness and being left out feeling! Yes they are his kids, it's his house and he gets to decide when they are there and for how long, but if you involve someone else in your life that will be affected by the kids being there, isn't it just the nice and considerate thing to do to talk about it beforehand to make sure the week/time is good, there is nothing else going on, and/or advise the person!?!?
I have tried telling him over and over again that even though I get aggravated over the extra time that the kids are there because he doesn't parent, I'm much more mad and upset over the fact that he tries to hide it rather than just telling me up front so at least I know what to expect and can prepare instead of it just being sprung on me at the last second....and even then, he still doesn't volunteer info, it's only if I ask or say something!
So, please tell me your thoughts. Am I being unreasonable or is this a reasonable request? How do other couples handle these unplanned visitation schedules?
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No CO in order...no schedule.
No CO in order...no schedule. And even when there is one its a surprise around every corner for most unless you have a strong man who says BM you don't run my life. Honestly though if they get along and have been doing it this way for a time it may be working for them and could be whats best for the kids as well.....not sure about the specifics of all that but on rare occasions parents do make it work without COs. If it already bothers you, you may want to rethink the situation for yourself...Being a SM isn't easy period unless you get blessed with a great BM and great skids (yeah right), but if this will be the norm you should think about it a bit....
Just over 4 years.
Just over 4 years.
Hell no. Why are you putting
Hell no. Why are you putting up with it? You either need to tell him to get a CO and follow it or leave.
That's a hard one because use
That's a hard one because use don't live together.
It would be polite to let you know but as its his house then he really doesn't have to its not like you have to stay when they are around.
Maybe next time it happens just say oh I wish youd let me know I had a surprise for you and we'd need the house to ourselves but oh well maybe another time hehe. Have a bag prepared for this as proof with a sexy outfit and some kinky stuff lol.
It will piss him off and next time he might give you the heads up.
****Excellent comments
****Excellent comments MarieJeanne******. My DH does this all the time. His kids always take priority!! It has gotten way worse since we have been married. He makes me feel like the skid plan is really none of my business and I should just be happy to have them with us as much as possible. UGH!
BTW, we are headed for divorce. So think long and hard about continuing this relationshsip.
Not living together gives him
Not living together gives him the freedom to reveal as much or lottle as he wants, when he wants.
Not living together also means you have zero responsibly in his home. So no cooking, cleaning....
^^^^^^ This absolutely. Quite
^^^^^^
This absolutely. Quite honestly, You seem like an after thought. I'd be thinking about dating other people.
My SO and his x have no CO.
My SO and his x have no CO. During the school year there was sort of a schedule but all bets are off in the summer. The kid is now 16 and goes where he wants when he wants. When we were dating, I would only go to his house when he had the kid for a specific reason - watch a movie, work on a project (I was helping remodel/redecorate the house). It was never just to "hang out". Then I would go home and/or do my own thing. Hanging out was reserved for evenings when he was kidless.
Some days I wish I had my own place to go to again. Now I just assume the kid is going to be here. I stopped planning things for "us" so it wouldn't become "them and me". A couple times lately I've gotten sloppy - suggesting we go out for ice cream thinking the kid wouldn't be there. When he was I agreed to invite him thinking he'd say no but he said yes. I also offered to help SO take the dogs to the vet - two dogs are a bit of a handful and the kid usually isn't up at 10am - but he was and decided to go too. I stayed in the waiting room using the excuse that the room wasn't big enough for all of us.
If SO wants us to do something together, he can make the plans and to give him credit, he does.
Thanks everyone and good
Thanks everyone and good morning.
Based on what everyone said, I totally get the fact that we do not live together and that if BF and BM are making it do without a CO, then good for them. I tried suggesting it a few times and he decided not to, so I let it go. What I do have a problem with is the sneakiness that he pulls. I know that he will have the kids multiple weeks during the summer, but when those weeks are, are never made aware to me until the last minute. With him, it's always "I was going to tell you, but"....there is ALWAYS a but. And unless I specifically ask, he still doesn't volunteer info. This is not just a once or a few times occurrence, it is EVERY time he has the kids aside from eowe, whether it be weeks or even extra days. I hear the same excuse over and over again..."I was going to tell you, but...." I don't believe it anymore.
It's not that I have a right to know, but when you are in a relationship with someone it's common courtesy to let the other person know and/or to plan out when these weeks will be based on what other plans we have, what is good for both of us, since it will affect both of us. He just does what he wants, when he wants and when his ex wants and that's it.
Also, when I mention about the no parenting, he of course cooks for them and cleans, does laundry, etc. but when I say that he doesn't parent, I mean that the kids rule the roost. There is no rules, no discipline, no structure, etc. and they decide what, when, where, how and why everything in that house happens when they are there. I don't do anything for them anymore as I disengaged about a year ago, but I still have to put up with the noise, them constantly wanting my BFs attention, the fact that they are coming to my house sometimes, etc. so yes it does affect me when they are there.
I think I probably need to get back to the point like it was the first 6 months or so that we dated where we only saw each other when he didn't have the kids but the only thing that does is put our relationship in reverse. I definitely will not be moving in that's for sure, but it doesn't help our relationship either by constantly being lied to about these things.
Are you sure he wants the
Are you sure he wants the relationship to move forward?
I was just like your BF (minus the no discipline) when my son was younger. I dated but had no desire to marry or live with anyone.
Why? Because my son was my first priority. I knew that I would not change how I ran my home in order to accommodate, please or keep a man. My son's dad and I never had a visitation order. He was free to come by and pick up and return our son whenever he wanted. Even when my son and I moved away, we didn't go by a set schedule.
The system we had in placed worked great for my son, his father, SM and I. I wasn't willing to change it so I dated but had no intentions of moving forward while my son was a minor.
I met my DF two weeks after my son's high school graduation.
BF has asked me to move in,
BF has asked me to move in, several times. I'm the one that keeps saying no. He would probably be open to getting married too if he knew that I was...but he knows my strong stance on that one with zero desire to get married again.
Just like the old adage, he just wants his cake and wants to eat it too. Not going to happen here and doesn't realize how all this bull shit crap that he pulls is just ruining the relationship!
KEEP.SAYING.NO!!
KEEP.SAYING.NO!!
^^^^^^^^^^THIS^^^^^^^^^^
^^^^^^^^^^THIS^^^^^^^^^^
Whatever you do, Do NOT move
Whatever you do, Do NOT move in with him/or let him move in with you.
The fact that he doesn't have a CO in place is a HUGE RED FLAG waving in your face. Here are the excuses as to why he doesn't want to have the CO in place which screams GUILTY DADDY and BM/skid ARSE KISSER:
1. I don't want the kids to feel that they can't come over ANYTIME
Translation:
-when the BM gets sick of the children she will dump them on BF and YOU if you take any steps further in your relationship with him
-The kids can play "pick the parent with the least amount of rules, then run wild"
-No structure, no boundaries for the BM or skids--he will put you DEAD last and turn on a dime for them.
2. I don't want to make waves with the BM because she might take it out on the children
Translation:
-I'm too wussy to stand up for my own parental rights--he has given all the power to her
-I will ALWAYS let the BM have her way and use the children as a weapon
-Scared shite-less of the BM and will not enforce any boundaries with her
Believe me I know about this. I have one of the WORST guilty daddies on here whose kids eventually were alienated away in a contest of "who could spoil them the most" and he lost. So now he blames the alienation completely on me for trying to establish boundaries AFTER the fact (big mistake). And in the same breath he deludes himself into thinking he was a strict parent--seems to be an alternate reality--for over six years he told me that making children brush their teeth was "too strict"
My total advice to you would to be to RUN and find a nice childless man.