Lol you guys crack me up - "he hasn't murdered anyone"!

I haven't added anything for 2 days because I couldn't think of new things (3 per day????!!!) but that definitely helps kickstart my creativity.

1. SS20 is tall (stole that one from you guys) and I like that DH is tall so tall must be a positive.
2. SS20 doesn't drink/do drugs/sleep with girls (that is from DH's list)
3. SS20 got his learner license this year (3rd time lucky)

That wasn't too hard, I even have one up my sleeve for tomorrow and that doesn't count the "he hasn't murdered anyone" one that I'll save for a particularly bad day.

Ugh I hope this works, another fight with DH last night about him as he wants to stay the night on Wed after coming for dinner. Why?? DH gets up early and goes to work and I work from home so I'll have to be the one that has to put up with him. DH says "is it really that bad that he'll stay the night, get up, have breakfast/shower and leave?" YES!!! It is really, really that bad - it is bad enough when he has to come weekends but weeknights too? DH said "oh well he probably wants a break from BM/BM boyfriend" SO!! Why does him wanting a break have to wreck my peaceful work from home day?

Grrr. I wish I could be like a Buddhist monk and smile peacefully at everyone think of everyone as "my brother" but in this situation I just can't.

Today's list:

1. SS20 learnt to ride the scooter DH bought him and is finally mobile
2. SS20 has a great relationship with his grandparents (DH mum/dad) despite BM's efforts to ruin it
3. SS20 has a great relationship with DH despite BM's efforts to ruin it

I'm starting to run dry on ideas and I'm only 3 days in! I'll have to spend the rest of the day thinking of what to write tomorrow.

I told DH last night that I will not bring up SS20 and the sleepover situation anymore, I'll be a Stepford Wife. He doesn't want to hear it, it just causes fights. So if there is no point in bringing it up I might as well not - at least one of us will be happier. He immediately snuggles up to me and seems happy. So as long as he doesn't have to HEAR about how upset I am it is like I'm not FEELING upset? I don't get that at all - I couldn't be happy knowing that DH is silently suffering.

I'm not sure how to do this, I'm a "speak before I think" person and now I'll have to become a "think and don't speak" person. I'll just have to think of the long term benefit. I'm sure that DH doesn't want SS having sleepovers 5 years from now? Even 2 years? I've coped 6 years, why throw it away now when the light is at the end of the tunnel?

Hmm I've been scratching my head about today's list:

1. SS20 is polite on the phone when he rings "hi Gemini08 it's SS20 here, is dad there?"
2. SS20 is planning to join a gym which will be good as he'll have a hobby + exercise
3. SS20 is paying board to BM which is great as it means DH no longer has to feel guilty (or contribute voluntary CS over 1 year since he was required to stop)

There, that was quite easy after all. Wednesday dinner is tonight but yay, my two BS and I are going out to a movie funraiser night for our neighbour's son's basketball team. So we'll leave just as SS gets here and hopefully he'll be just about to leave when we get back (unless god forbid he has talked DH into staying the night).

I was very good last night and played the part of the SW well. DH doesn't particularly like it that "we're not close" but you can't have your cake and eat it too buddy.

What to write today? Umm ....

1. SS20 is generous with his money, he has paid for things for SS17 and took DH out for breakfast with one of his first paychecks.
2. SS20 seems to be trying to be interested in learning how to maintain his scooter so that DH doesn't have to do it all.
3. SS20 is always tidily dressed.

Last night was wonderful - went out with BS's and had a great night and just as we pulled in the driveway SS20 was leaving on his scooter (yay no sleepover). I tried so hard with DH and asked did he have a good night, did he have a nice dinner, was the DVD good etc with none of my usual sarcastic remarks. He was so pleased to have the happy me back. I need to try so so hard and not say a negative word about SS20 as it does help DH and I be happier together.

Last night BM called to speak to DH - he shut the door and spoke to her privately for a while and I was becoming more and more anxious - certain it was about SS20 and him wanting to come here more or worse, move in. Luckily it was about SS17 - she wants him to come and stay for a couple of weeks to get focussed on school, that is fine no worries about that. Although I think DH was probably unhappy that I was happy enough to go along with that when even a single night of SS20 causes a massive argument. But there are reasons for that and he has to accept that.

1. SS20 didn't go on the employment benefit at any time during the 2+ years since 18 of being jobless even though he could have.
2. SS20 managed to almost complete the basic army training he signed up for last year despite everyone imagining he'd drop out in 1 week.
3. SS20 apparently admitted to DH that he ripped BS11's shirt even though he lied to me that he did not. Which is good that he did at least admit it. Especially since BS11 got in massive trouble with DH earlier that day for lying about not jumping on the couch.

SS17 is going to be coming here for 2 nights a week perhaps for the next few months while he finishes school. I'm happy with that (although feel a little down we miss out on some alone time but oh well time for me to do stuff) and happy for DH as really the only nights SS17 has spent with us since the breakup 6 years ago were on camping, overseas, skiing holidays. SS20 will be here Wed for dinner but hopefully not for the night (I better check weather forecast as a 2 min ride down the road to BM on his scooter in the rain would be the cause of the overnight situation).

1. SS20 tries to be nice to BS11 and make out they are similar "when you grow up you'll paint Warhammer like me" (last thing BS11 would be into but I guess it is nice that SS20 is trying to find commonality between them).
2. SS20 went on holiday for a few days with BM last summer to meet her boyfriend's family which must have been right out of his comfort zone.
3. SS20 went on his own to stay with BM's extended family last year for almost a month which again was probably not easy for him.

This is my 8th list and I am taking longer and longer each time. Today, being Wednesday is the night he comes over for dinner so I will try and be on the lookout for new positive things (instead of noticing all the bad things like I usually do). Please don't rain tonight!

1. SS20 has a close relationship with BM's dad (and mum before she passed away)
2. SS20 doesn't appear to fight with SS17 at all (whereas my two boys argue endlessly - maybe this is a SM thing though as my boy's SM said "aren't they great they never fight!")
3. SS20 does't seem to mind SS17 always having a houseful of friends at BM's even though he himself doesn't enjoy having any friends.

List #9

Last night was Wednesday SS night and it went really well. My BS's were at their dads so I sat on my PC while their dinner was cooking (I have to eat vegan so eat separately if it is just DH/SS) and then got up and made mine whilst theirs was being served up. Then I happily cooked and listened to YouTube while they were eating and ate my dinner at the bench while they watched their movie. I felt really positive (and did not drink a drop) so that is quite a difference to either a) I have several drinks and b) I am itchy scratchy until they (well SS20) are gone. I was on the watch out for new things for my list, there wasn't much but I came up with:

1. SS20 does find a lot of things funny so must have a sense of humour (even if he does laugh like a hyena and the things he finds funny are either a) things he says or b) weird things like action movies).
2. SS20 buys his own dinners some nights of the week (I found a receipt he dropped) at the supermarket he works at so that is good that he is taking responsibility for himself in some areas.
3. SS20 comes for dinner every single Wednesday - he never ever cancels on DH. So is very reliable.

Wow I surprise myself daily with being able to make 3 things! I think I might have to relax at some point and even 1 or 2 things is better than no things. But will keep at it and then report back to the Steptalk group at the end of 30 days. If this can work for me it surely can work for anyone! I was an anxious mess needing copious amounts of alcohol/book into a hotel to deal with the situation. I probably am still that person but I'm only on my 9th list - 21 still to go!

List #10

1. SS20 always eats the dinners he eats here. Dinners are made to suit what he would like but still it is good he enjoys them.
2. SS20 mentioned he was having a personal training session. This must be at the gym he has been talking about joining so that is good he will be getting a) a hobby b) exercise and c) sticking to what he has been talking about doing for several months.
3. SS20 is wearing the thermal clothing DH bought him last year which makes DH feel good he is making use of them as they weren't cheap.

Wow - again I've surprised myself! 20 more lists to go though which is 60 more items, I'm really going to be scrounging around by the time I get to the end!

List #11

I've had all weekend to think about this (I get the weekends off) and thought of a couple more! I'm getting quite good at this. If DH brings up SS20 instead of cringing inside I am all ears to hear something positive that I can add to my blog.

1. SS20 went to the school ball last year with a girl (not a girlfriend, more a family friend of BM) which was quite a big thing when I think about it seeing as a) he'd left school 2 years earlier b) totally not his scene
2. SS20 was quite okay at soccer the first year I met him (he played in a team until 15 and then quit). I don't think he was great but the fact that he a) played at all for so long and b) was good enough is good considering he has dyspraxia
3. SS20 has officially joined the gym he has been talking about for a few months. This is great that he has now got a hobby and getting some exercise.

After 2 weeks of doing this and 11 x lists I don't think I have turned a corner that much but I am putting my faith in this process and hopefully bit by bit the layers of resentment will fall away.

List #12

It's Wed dinner night tonight but me and my BS's are leaving to go to parent-teacher interviews so I won't be here for the dinner part. SS's and DH watch a movie together after dinner so I won't have any interaction with SS20 but I'll still try and watch out for anything positive I can add to my list as I am running thin on material and having to delve into the past or scrape together something quite minor.

1. SS20 seemed to stop downloading lots of large movies etc when DH complained to him a number of times about it - it has been a couple of months since I noticed anything sizeable - BS11 is the worst offender now due to Xbox Live which seems to chew through the data.
2. SS20 doesn't complain about being "sick" this year which is good as in the past that has been a real problem (code for "i don't feel like going to school/work/DH house")
3. SS20 was open to listening to DH talk about the dyspraxia support group.

I wonder if this is helping a little - I don't screw up my face when I walk past SS20's bedroom and shudder like I did before? Baby steps!

Damn browser froze so I have to rewrite - will keep it brief:

List #13

1. SS20 spoke at BM's father (grandfather) funeral a couple of years ago which is quite brave - I was only grandchild to speak at my nanny's funeral and we are all adults
2. SS20 left just after 8pm on Wed so he could go to the gym - great he is committed to doing these workouts
3. SS20 used to be (is still?) good with technology - I used to tell him he could train to be a computer engineer but he said he was not interested in that anymore.

DH just emailed that SS20 is coming for the night tonight. Breathe, breathe. I had written in the earlier blog (which froze/lost) that yay the weekend was free as SS wasn't coming for night tonight (it is 3pm and so I would know by now wouldn't i?) and tomorrow we are going out so he can't. But now it isn't. Oh well, good excuse to go and get some drinks. Plus I can maybe find 1-2 positive things for my list. My heart isn't racing with total panic like it normally would so maybe this list business is working. But I still hate the thought of a night/morning with him - yuk. Why does a 20 year old man-boy want sleepovers at his dad's??? Why!!!!!!! When will it stop?

I was a great Stepford Wife. I didn't say much in my reply email - barely acknowledged it. Won't say anything this evening. He will notice I've had some drinks and I hope he feels bad that he is the cause.

List #14

First of all, yay for the other day - as reward for being such a great SW SS20 ended up not coming to stay on Friday after all! DH had already told him we were going out on Sat night so he couldn't come over then so that meant the weekend was entirely SS20 free. This week the Wed dinner has switched to Thursday due to DH's parents staying the night and yay, I'm at a work function and so won't be home until after 9pm! I'm mentally preparing for SS20 wanting to stay this Friday (or Sat) and I have to be a great SW as it is DH's birthday.

DH asked last night "why is it that you think things are going so well for us in the last couple of weeks". I said that I think partly due to me being different as the way I was being before was not achieving the results I wanted. A bit crytic but he took it as a positive (I wasn't actually meaning it positively - I was meaning "due to me being a Stepford Wife and not saying anything negative about SS20 in any way, shape or form even when he wants to come over"). But I do wonder if these daily lists are helping a little too?

1. SS20 didn't come over for a sleepover on Friday as planned due to going out with a friend (that is a girl - but not a girlfriend). That is great that he a) has a friend, even if it is a family friend of BM's and b) went out on a weekend night with her and c) choose that rather than a sleepover with dad
2. SS20 agreed to change dinner this week to Thursday so that he can see his grandparents. Which is great he now has a good relationship with them and wants to see them even if it means changing the routine.
3. SS20 only stayed one night in July. If we can keep that going that is an average of 12 nights per year. Still 12 too many times for me but I can perhaps cope with that and stay sober.

List #15

Running thin on material here!

1. SS20 managed to work the weekend shift with no other helpers (I think there are normally 2-3 of them). He did have to take Monday off as a result but at least he stuck it out on the weekend.
2. SS20 had his personal training session and is apparently one of the fitter people the trainer has seen there.
3. SS20 has made a friend at his work that he is meeting at the gym to do some of his workouts with. Which is fantastic that he has made a friend and is sharing a hobby with them.

I always surprise myself with what I come up with here! Maybe I might write a similar list about my ex-husband and see if I can start feeling more positive about him too.

List #16

About to go home to see in-laws who are staying the night, as well as SS's who will still be there - SS20 will possibly be staying the night. This would be the best night if it meant he wouldn't be there for another month as it'll be almost 9pm when I walk in the door and I'll be gone to work first thing but as in-laws will be using his bedroom (only double bed) it is unlikely. So I do have to prepare for the fact that he might stay tomorrow which is DH's birthday.

1. SS20 likes cats - he got his own cat and I like cats. Have I already written this?
2. SS20 did use to like dogs as long as it didn't mean caring for it but that is a semi-good quality
3. SS20 like Japanese food - I do too.

List #17

1. SS20 likes fishing with DH and DH's dad - although it isn't something they do often it is a hobby they can all enjoy (DH's dad has a small boat). I have suggested DH gets a small boat in the future for him and SS20 to spend time together on a hobby (my motivation of course is to avoid them sitting around here watching DVDs)
2. SS20 had a great friendship for about 2 years when 16-18 with a really nice kid - they lost touch as this friend ended up with a girlfriend, job etc whereas SS20 was doing nothing at the time but still, the fact that he was friends with a nice kid is a good sign.
3. SS20 voluntarily added an extra shift when it became available at his new job. It is still not a full-time job but it isgood he wanted to add hours and earn extra money.

Only 13 lists to go! Wed night dinner tomorrow - my boys won't be here and I'll have a work thing so will be home late but will keep an eye out for anything useful to use for my list.

List #18

I'm really running out of things. The weirdest thing of all since beginning these lists is that a) SS20 has not stayed the night at all and b) most of the Wed dinners I've had other plans for all/part of it. So this has been wonderful as it has meant limited SS20 contact but has not helped me gather new material for my lists.

The funny thing I've found with these lists is that it is very tempting to write "but" when I say something nice. "But" I know that takes away from the positive so I don't let myself add the negative point that I want to add.

1. SS20 does do all things expected of him (by DH) when he stays here these days ie. hang up bathmat, make his bed, take his plate to the kitchen. He probably does get reminded by DH but he does seem to do them.
2. SS20 is fond of our cat (was his family cat originally)
3. ... umm ... 2 is enough for today.

Wednesday night dinner tonight and me and my BS's are here so I'll have the first full dinner with SS20 that I've had for a couple of weeks. Will definitely be watching for positives! I can't think of anything new for my lists - I'm trying but really having to scratch around into the past.

Wednesday night dinner got postponed until tonight as SS20 unwell last night. But I still have something new to add! This is one great thing - it used to be that as soon as DH mentioned "SS20 ... " I'd inwardly roll my eyes and begrudge even having to listen to anything about SS20 (unless DH was complaining about him in which case I was all ears and happy to join in!) whereas now I'm all ears to hopefully hear something new for my positive list! I even try and keep him talking in case there is a second tiny thing I can add! So crazy isn't it how our minds work.

1. A manager at SS20's work apparently wants him to work in his area. The job is still just as menial but it is a positive that a manager has spotted him and thought well enough of him to try and "poach" him (it is a supermarket so he'll go from trolleys to freezer section).
2. SS20 wasn't well last night so postponed dinner but he must have still gone to work because "he went home to BMs straight from work as he is unwell". Which is great that he didn't take a sickie.

I'm hoping that DH asks SS20 to stay the night tomorrow night (Friday) - not because I have totally reformed and want him here but because I am going away with work tomorrow (Fri AM) and won't be back until Sat afternoon by which time he'll have left for work. So that will be an overnighter done and dusted with no effect on me and then he won't need another hopefully for at least a month!

Haven't been adding much, partly because I'm busy but also because I really just can't think of anything new to add. Wed dinner postponed until tonight (our choice) so maybe more for tomorrow's list.

List #20

1. SS20 readily agreed to change Wed dinner to tonight (Thur) to suit DH
2. SS20 didn't stay Friday night here even though DH invited him to (I was away). Hopefully this means he is becoming less reliant on "sleepovers with dad" for his weekend entertainment.
3. SS20 called in to see DH on Sat morning (I wasn't here) on his way to work, much more grown up way to have a relationship with his dad.

I know these aren't really all that positive but something better than nothing!

I've not added to my list for a couple of months and I feel the old hatefulness creeping back in so thought it time to start these up again.

We are moving in 3.5 weeks and living temporarily somewhere where we won't be able to host the weekly dinner. So that is 6 weeks of peaceful bliss - can't wait. But then ... we will be (hopefully) living in a new house which will mean a) the weekly dinners will begin again (I guess with a vengeance due to missing 6) and b) they might result in sleepovers or weekend sleepovers due to us being 20 mins away from mummy's (rather than the current 5 mins). I'm really concerned about this happening but have to try and not focus on it or I might cause it to happen. By the time we move SS20 will almost be SS21 so hopefully he might be growing up more? He has only had about 3 sleepovers here since I began this list which is absolutely fantastic, has made a huge difference. DH has had to fob him off a few times (ie. told him last weekend when he asked that we were having an "alone weekend" to try and find a new house/pack etc but you can come for lunch/visit on Sunday before work? Which SS20 did). But I think SS20 has been promised this Friday instead - sigh. I'm hoping that due to our new house being 20 mins away that instead of the weekly dinner DH will sometimes travel to see his boys instead - maybe catch up to see a movie or have dinner out instead. I just have to hope it works out as it puts a huge strain on our marriage.

BM's boyfriend is apparently moving in as we speak so god knows what will happen there - he'll have been there 2.5 months by the time we move into our new place so SS20 might be looking to get away? God, I'll just have to tell DH I'll buy his share of the house and he can move to a batchelor apartment. Can't face that.

Anyway back to my nice list!

1. SS20 is still working - this is 6 months which is great
2. SS20 made a semi nice comment about BS12 to DH the other day (very mild but poor DH repeated it in a desperate hope to get me to like SS20)
3. SS20's scooter broke down and he had to call DH to help but he had tried first to get it going before ringing.

It's been 7 months since I last made a list and I've slipped a lot back into my old ways. Just re-reading this blog reminds me how well I had progressed so I am beginning again today.

We have since moved into our new house and the great news is that the house we ended up in (chosen by DH) has 2 less bedrooms than the previous house. Normally this would not be a great thing at all but seeing as it means no bedroom for SS21 it is the best ever. We have lived here now for 6 months and he has only stayed 1 night (last weekend). And even in the months before that he had just stayed 1 night so I think it is only 2-3 nights in a whole year. But the awful thing is that is even too much.

He stayed here last weekend due to issues with his BM and BM boyfriend who is struggling living with SS21 and SS18 (BM boyfriend moved into BM home 6 months ago). I expect he can't see an end in sight - that is right, there won't be one. I got 30 mins notice and went into total panic, luckily I had some wine (wine is not normally in our house these days) and gobbled up a glass and refilled. DH noticed and tipped it out. So I snuck another bottle and drank almost all of it. Then basically conked out and woke up in the morning feeling like death. Somehow DH never knew what I had done but I sure did, I was wrecked for the whole day. I can't do that each and every time I get a surprise sleepover. He stayed ALL DAY the next day too, it was just awful. Please, please god don't make this happen again for a long time. Then he was here last night for the delayed Wed night dinner (SS18 didn't come, he has a life) so I am well and truly sick of him.

Ugh so even the thought of having to think nice things about him is killing me. But I'll do it:

1. SS21 has maintained employment for over 1 year now
2. SS21 is now onto his 3rd job within this 1 year of working which is giving him new skills and meeting new people. [despite the fact they are all dead end jobs]
3. SS21 has now bought his own brand new motorbike which means he has far more reliability with his vehicle.

Ugh one day until the dreaded Wed night dinner - winter has only just started so it is several months until the heydays of summer when DH goes to see SS's every second Wed or so.

So ... the list ...

1. SS21 has been out with friends for a social event at least two times in recent months that I know of (on average once per 2 months)
2. SS21 is "talking about" going to a nearby country for work experience (probably just talk but oh well I can dream)
3. SS21 keeps DH company to watch motorbike racing on Sundays. God knows if he actually likes it and I certainly don't want him here but it is nice for DH.

Boy this is hard making this list. But I really need it to work, I hate feeling such dislike for someone I am forced to spend time with twice a week and that my DH thinks is just such a perfect prince. Ewww yuk, it is just so weird that two people can have such opposing viewpoints. I guess it is the same with my kids though - DS14 drives DH insane and I think he is just so awesome. Although I can see his faults too.

Yay it is Wednesday and the Wed Night Dinner is cancelled! DH said last night "it is too cold for SS21 to ride his bike over here at the moment I'll cancel dinner tomorrow I think and take them out for breakfast on Sunday". I was about to leap up and down with glee "yay!! no facing SS21 for hours on Wednesday AND that means he won't be here on Sunday either!!". Somehow I managed to contain myself and said in a calm way "ok, yeah it is quite cold at the moment".

So I'm happier about making the dreaded list:

1. SS21 agreed to the cancellation of Wed night dinner
2. SS21 said something along the lines to DH that he realised how great of a job he has done to live with my kids peacefully for 7 years (seeing as BM's new live-in partner is having such troubles living with SS's - mostly SS21 I would guess though as SS18 is fine). I said to DH "oh that's nice." Couldn't help adding "I guess at least you do get a bit of a break as my kids go to their dad half the time". And then freaked out that DH might try to help BM's boyfriend by getting SS21 to stay here half the time. No spare room thankfully!!
3. SS21 rescued our new kitten on the night we first got him - he had run under my car wheel in fright and got stuck and DH and SS21 took about 20 mins to carefully dislodge him. I was so happy at SS21 I hugged him! Can you believe it.

There! Phew. I'm going to try EFT (tapping) as that works on everyone - heroin addicts are cured in one session. So surely my dislike of SS21 can be cured??

Okay today's list ...

1. SS21 bought a brand new motorbike several months ago and needed to borrow a bit of money from DH. DH mentioned he has almost finished paying him back. He is not very highly paid so that is very good that he has paid back a quite large amount so quickly.

... I can't think of anything more today, I'm scrounging through my memory but there just isn't anything. He doesn't have any friends, he has never had a girlfriend, his only human contact is his mum, her partner, his brother, his dad and other relatives (you can't count me as I try and escape if possible when he is here). He has no hobbies, I don't think he even goes to the gym anymore. Luckily he at least goes to work. He has a motorbike and goes riding with DH (who is motorbike mad) and sometimes comes over and watches motorbike things with DH. But he was never interested in motorbikes until about a year ago - so must have decided to get interested in them to have something to talk to DH about and maybe this has sparked a genuine interest. So his life is work - look at rubbish on PC - sleep. Repeat over and over apart from days/nights he comes here. SS18 will move out of home at some stage so that will be one less person he will see on a regular basis. Ugh not my problem I guess.

Yay for me, I am going overseas for 9 nights today so including those nights plus the 1 night since I last saw SS21 and then the extra 3 nights probably once I get back, it'll be 13 nights total SS21 free.

I truly can't think of anything more to add to the list. I've read through my whole set of lists hoping I missed something/anything but have not. There really isn't anything more - if I was making a list of negatives it'd be so huge! And this is a venting site, so maybe I can make that list instead for now:

1. SS21 appears to have upgraded DH to best friend. Which is lovely for DH I guess. Better than the past where SS21 used to ring and leave unkind voicemessages, saying horrible things to DH. Or when SS21 wouldn't even come and visit for weeks at a time. But crap for me as a) I have to see him so much/hear about him so much and b) lose respect for DH that SS21 is in fact his only friend too. Apple doesn't fall too far from the tree I guess? DH brother has NO friends either. So they are all kind of messed up and weird? I think DH is least weird but maybe that is my rose coloured glasses as SS21 and weird brother sure are stranger than strange. This is affecting my sex drive and all sorts for DH, I can't feel sexy about DH because of it. I want him to have other friendships and keep SS21 in the "son-zone" but there is nothing I can do to make him do this. I either accept it as it is or move on.
2.

Struggling so much with accepting SS21 and DH being each other's only friend. DH of course has me too. Plus one other friend he sees every 2-3 months. And the husbands of my friends. But if we were to break up you would have to delete me/my friend's husbands so he'd be left with a friend he sees 4x per year and SS21. So SS21 would be his actual BFF.

Wed night dinner was cancelled as DH was away for the night. So he casually mentioned to SS21 that he could call in on Thursday instead if he wanted. Of course SS21 was in like a robber's dog, on the doorstep at 4pm. Ugh. I had to take DS12 to sport practice so chose to sit in the car for the 2 hours working on my laptop just to avoid being home listening to SS21's donkey laugh.

Got home 6pm and had to listen to the donkey laugh for 3 hours while he and DH sat there talking and watching a movie all evening. And I was really put out - I felt like that should have been my evening since DH had been away the evening before. Why does SS21 get the premium attention? Will it always be this way? So I was cold when DH finally came to bed and he certainly didn't get any welcome home loving. Even if I'd wanted to I just couldn't, it is just a huge turn-off watching him cosying up with his BFF like that.

This weekend fingers crossed they are going for a motorbike ride but leaving from BM's house ie. DH will pick SS21 up on the way rather than SS21 coming here first for a lovely brunch of bacon and eggs first (also sickening).

I keep telling myself "if this was our joint son I would be so happy that SS21 has this newfound connection with DH and a shared hobby" but as he is a) not our joint son and b) I dislike him so intensely due to the past I just can't feel happy for DH like I should. Maybe if SS21 was someone I enjoyed being around/admired it would be a different story but as I have zero respect for him I therefore have zero respect that DH thinks so highly of him.

I guess in future years my sons will be grown and out/busy with their own lives so if the freakin Wed night dinners continue on into my old age I'll be taking up whatever Wednesday Night activity is going to avoid him.

If he hasn't had a girlfriend at 21 it is unlikely really that he'll get one isn't it? It'd be so great if he did, she would at least consume some of his time. Although she'd be weird too so there'd be two weirdos to entertain every Wednesday.

I managed to get my venting out to DH about the BFF situation - it is so hard wording it in a way that he can hear it without getting super offended. But he assured me that he doesn't want SS21 to be his BFF, I am his BFF, and the daily phone calls, extra visits lately are partly due to the whole motorcycle crash/insurance situation SS21 was in a month or two back (he is fine, bike is not). Which is true but even that annoys me - if SS21 wasn't the lamo that he is, the crash wouldn't have happened and/or he could manage his own insurance affairs.

Anyway, luckily he a) has a new bike so is mobile again and b) the insurance stuff seems to be tapering off and therefore phone calls.

And amazingly, this past weekend (after my BFF vent) SS21 apparently a) on Saturday caught up with his one friend from high school after 4 years of no contact b) went out with workmates from his old supermarket job for dinner and c) most amazingly, he met a girl online and went to her sister's house where she was staying and STAYED THE NIGHT. Ugh. She is "older" and lives in a not so great area 2 hours away so probably has her own issues. Especially having sex with basically a stranger. And so SS21 must no longer be a virgin (he told DH "don't worry dad about me, I use protection" - ugh way too much information, that is so gross to imagine but DH was prouder than can be as he told me that. Here I am worrying about my 14 year old not too far off doing it with his girlfriend of almost 1 year, add another 7 years and then you are proud he has actually done it with some random weirdo).

4 years ago when we all went on a family vacation (ugh yuk, horror) for a week I had the lightbulb moment that SS21 (was SS17 at the time) was actually the maturity age somewhere between my two DS's. And that has proven to be true time and time again. So currently he is between 13-14 years of age. And that makes sense, he is in the body of a 21.5 year old man but behaves like a 13.5 year old child/teenager. Maybe 5 years from now, as my boys are 18-19 we'll finally be free of SS21 too. But it will happen in stages, I need to turn on my Superpowers of Patience somehow.

Great news - since the previous post there have been two SS21 free weekends!! Why you may ask? Well thankfully DH has been dropped like a hot potato now that Random Online Girlfriend is on the scene. SS21 has gone to stay with her for the last 2 weekends. And I am absolutely not complaining! She supposedly is 23 so not that much older but still, you gotta think "23 year old girl, hooks up with random 21 year old weirdo guy" - she must have something(s) wrong? Oh well, who cares - I'm not! The more he can spend time a) away b) realising how great it is to be normal and have a girlfriend the better it is for me!

And the insurance business is coming to a close so the daily phone calls will dwindle from here.

So it is just the lucky weekly dinner and possibly the odd weekend that I might have to contend with from here! Yay! Damn - I should have "put up and shut up" for a bit longer and not looked like the bad guy. Oh well. I don't really care.

All I care about is that SS21 a) does not stay the night at our house ever again b) SS21 comes over once per week maximum and c) SS21 stops being DH's best friend.

I've ramped up the contact with DH's actual BF - we had dinner with him and his wife on the weekend (they are a lovely couple) and will make it a regular thing. Maybe we can go travelling together in a couple of years. So if I build that side of things up and SS21 does his part DH's life will become properly balanced with a friend his own age and SS21 in the "son category".

It has been a great month - there were another 2 weekends after the above where SS21 went and stayed with ROG and then he dropped his "bombshell" to her that he is moving overseas shortly (snort) so she broke it off with him. SS21 had originally told DH that he had been honest with her from the outset but apparently not. She dodged a bullet with that one.

I doubt he will go overseas anyway but who knows. I doubted he'd join the army 2 years ago but he did (although was kicked out before finishing the 4 month beginner's training). So he is full of surprises. His actual plan is to go to the country next to us (2 hours away) and go base himself in some hick town. God knows why? There are several great cities there? Lots of jobs. Why the random town? Ugh as they say, only crazy understands crazy.

So DH is back on the menu, he went and had breakfast (yay at a cafe not here) for Father's Day on Sunday with SS21 - they were meant to go motorbiking but the weather put a stop to that.

I think regular Wed night dinners are back on, beginning tonight, lucky me. Oh well I've had 4-5 weeks off, i have to thank goodness for the break I've had.

Meanwhile SS18 is staying 2 nights a week now - which he has never done before. Hasn't been a problem. But then he is normal.

Another great month. Despite the demise of the girlfriend SS21 has only been over a couple of times as he has been working at night. He has been for a couple of bike rides with DH on weekends but no requests for overnights thank god.

DH and SS21 are going overseas tomorrow for 5 days (2 hour plane ride) for a boy weekend so that is good because a) SS21 can have his fill of DH for a couple of weeks b) DH can have his fill of SS21 for a couple of weeks and c) none of that involves me!

And amazingly SS21 has booked his ticket to go to overseas country to "live" - leaving in just 1 month! How awesome is that! So first of all I have to admit defeat on "he won't do it". So now it is just the next part "he won't stick at it for long". Oh well as long as he suffers it out for 6 months or so and then he'll be SS22 and getting more mature (well in real terms he'll be as mature as my 13 year old but anyway).

The only downer news recently was via SS18 - BM is selling her house in January (which she owns and moved her BF into about 1 year ago) and her and BF plan to move 3 hours away. So no room at the inn when SS21 comes back home. Ugh. But I' m not going to worry about that for now - I'm notorious for worrying needlessly about stuff. a) SS21 might not come home for ages b) BM might not move c) SS21 might want to come home and flat with others. There is no room at the inn here either - we've had to "make room" for SS18 so he has a fake bedroom in the garage. We surely can't be expected to do that with SS21 as well? He'll be SS22 by the time he comes back, he can't at that age, never having lived with us, expect us to somehow squish him in? Oh well I'll try not to worry.