Do I really want him to want to have a baby with me?!
A little back story...DH and I have been together for almost 8 years (married for over 3 years) and we used to talk about having kids all the time. We'd joke about how we're going to have twins and everything that comes along with it. However, as time has gone on he never brings up us having kids anymore. It has been 1 year since we won full custody of SD9 and I feel like now that he is a full time parent to her he has no interest in having children with me.
I've brought it up to him before and I do admit that I've said "wouldn't it be nice to be done in 9 years. Just have nothing but our careers and home with all our 4 legged "kids" to worry about?!" and he'd dream right along with me, mind you that it would be during a time we were "kid free" and enjoying being young adults for a bit. But I never said "I do not want to have children". But he is using the earlier comments against me now, saying that has gotten him thinking about what life would be like without adding on another 18 years of full time parenting. He also admits to being scared about adding that stress of babies to our life and what it could possible do to us. When he said that I immediately responded with "Did you have that hesitation when it came to taking your ex to court for full custody of SD?! Did you worry about what that would do to US?! The pressure it would put on ME to take on the responsibility of raising someone else's child?" and he said "no, not at all" so I said, "well then why do you hesitate with children of our own?!" and he couldn't answer me.
I guess I just really want to hear "I want to have babies with you! I want to see you grow a big pregnant belly and glow with the love you'd be filled with. And see you mother OUR children and we can do it all together"..but I'm scared that now I'll never hear those words from him again and I don't know what to do. I love DH more than anything but I don't know if it will be enough in the end. I don't want to turn around 10 - 15 years late and realize that I really wanted children and it would be too late and that our marriage wouldn't be enough for me. Will I hate him for not giving me children even though I raised his child....It would be a totally different situation if it were truly "us" growing old together but it is not. We already have a child we're raising together so why can't I experience the bond he has with my own children? Am I being an idiot for not knowing what I want but for wishing that my husband knew what he wanted? :?
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I totally agree with you all
I totally agree with you all and I have told him all of this and I'm met with "we have plenty of time to decide on whether we're going to have kids" but it is never a "yes, I want to have a child with you" like he used to say to me. I guess my point is that he used to say he wanted to have another kid around 30/31 and sure enough 30 is in six months and talks about having a kid together have pretty much ceased. And I don't know if I'm shifting on wanting to have kids to appease him or if I don't want to have kids?
I guess I'm wondering if anyone has run into this with their SO? Did you end up having children together or not? How did those conversations go? I mean, how does anyone really know if they want to have kids?
I'm sorry you are struggling
I'm sorry you are struggling with this. I think you need to be completely honest with him and tell him how it makes you feel to potentially miss out on motherhood. Then, depending on his answer, you have a touch choice to make. Can you be with him despite not being a mother to your own child, or do you want to move on and find another partner that will feel all the things you mentioned?
I know it's a tough one. Hugs to you!
I love the point you made
I love the point you made about how he fought for custody of your SD without questioning how it would affect you, but he's doing that when it comes to your own child. Very good point to make.
I agree with what everyone above is saying: you should talk to your husband about it if it's what you really want.
I went through this with my
I went through this with my DH. When we were first married we wanted a baby together. Then life happened and that got moved down on the list of priorities. When we finally talked about it again a couple of years later I didn't really want to start over with a new baby to raise but at the same time I was heart broken because I felt like DH didn't want a baby with me. It turns out, he was just having the same feelings I did, that we were so close to the last kid being 18 that it didn't make much sense to start over again. But I wasn't ready to let go of the dream of one big happy family and I just love having babies in the house and I wanted DH to have the experience of having his baby home full time and not just EOW.
We had some heated arguments and some tears about this subject and once DH realized that him saying he didn't want to start over with another kiddo sounded to me like he didn't think I was worth having a kid with he understood why I was so upset. He then told me that he'd love for me to be the mother of his child and if it was what I wanted then we could definitely have one of our own.....the next month I made an appointment to have my tubes tied!!! I realized I didn't really want another child, I just wanted to know that my husband thought I was worth having one with. When I finally had the green light from him I was able to look at it from a logical viewpoint without the tangled up emotions and realized I really did not want to have another baby.
I know my situation is a bit different because I already had a child of my own before DH and I got married but if you're on the fence about wanting one of your own, you might find that once you take the emotion out of it, you dont really want a child, you just don't want to feel like your DH is the one deciding that for you!
When me and OH got together,
When me and OH got together, I was adamant that I didnt want more children, and OH agreed.
4 Years later im 4 n half months pregnant with "our" child. What changed? I did, I realised the older I got that I dearly wanted another child, a sibling for my daughter and wanted to carry and bring up a child with my OH.
We had the MIL saying "what about SD7?"...but at the same time I also had that from OH. On one hand he really wanted a child with me, but on the other was worried about SD7, to the point he virtually asked SD7 (who was 6 at the time) her permission!!
My advice? As with others, tell your DH how you feel. There is nothing worse than a regret you cant change. Its not an overnight decision granted, your talking about another life, but you should both be open and honest about this.