Well guys I know Tone Up Tuesdays don't exist anymore on ST, and it's been a while. But I just wanted to vent a bit at myself to get it out!

Despite all the hard work losing weight for our wedding (44lbs in 6months, and thankyou STalkers for your support throughout), as soon as we were married a few months ago, the weight has slowly crept back on. I've put back on 34lbs so I'm basically back to square one stupid sunny

It kinda started out as excitement that I could eat what I wanted! I enjoyed our buffet on the big day, and then ate what I liked when away on honeymoon, it was so awesome not having to be on this stupid strict diet anymore! 

Then once we returned from honeymoon, it turned into post wedding blues. I realised that this massive project I'd been working on for months and months was just.. over. Just like that! I didn't have to organise anything for the big day anymore, I didn't need to lose weight anymore.. 

(I was 4lbs up from my weight goal on our wedding day, even though I didn't reach the exact weight I wanted, I was happy with 4lbs up from it!)

I felt quite down/useless/no goals etc, and carried on eating fattening foods and junk like I did when we were on honeymoon.

I kept saying "omigosh I've put on 10lbs, I'll have to start watching what I eat again soon" then rinse and repeat for 14lbs, 25lbs, right up to 34lbs back on now.

So 5months after our wedding, I'm pretty much (almost) back to my original weight/size. I feel so stupid. But I just couldn't afford to go back to my slimming class after the wedding (wow weddings are expensive) and thought I'd try getting it under control myself at home. Didn't happen.

Finally, today, I got the courage to go back to my class (we still can't afford it really, but I'm just feeling so down and can't go on like this with creeping up the scales constantly!) I needed help and so I went back.

I was really embarrassed to walk in being the size I am now, but I put on my brave face and did it.

When the lady at the scales saw me she said hello, and how long it's been since she saw me, asked how the wedding went and I was doing. 

I said yeh I'm ok, it's been about 5months! and I'm afraid I've put back on practically all the weight I lost. She said yeh it's hard this time of year, etc etc.

I got on the scales, she looked at the screen, and paused. Then called to the leader of the group (interrupting her from talking to another lady) and when she came over, pointed at the numbers on the screen and said to the leader "are the scales working ok? is that right?" 

(ok maybe she's not used to seeing a weight gain of 34lbs since last weigh in) 

They both looked a bit confused, and the leader asked me "is that the kind of weight you were expecting?" I went bright red and said yes, like I said I've put practically all of it back on.

so the leader said "yeh that's right then" to the lady at the scales. The lady said "oh I'm sorry, I thought I was reading it wrong" etc etc.. COME ON, I'd literally just told you I'd put a lot of weight back on!

wtf. so friggin embarrassing. The whole line of people waiting behind me to get weighed were just standing there watching. I just wanted the ground to swallow me up.

it was hard enough for me to go back to class looking so big again, I was embarrassed walking in. but for that to happen too, it was awful

I'm not sure this is just about my weight though.. The house has been a total wreck since the wedding, I just can't seem to get things organised. Even after 5months?!! Surely this can't *still* be post wedding blues!!! 

I write lists of things to do every day, and they just don't get done. I don't know what's wrong with me, I'm just feeling so unmotivated.

I'm not even motivated or excited to lose this weight again. I feel *forced* to lose the weight as I'm paying for my slimming class again and I don't want to waste that money. That's the reason I went back, (to be forced into it) because otherwise I'd just carry on creeping up the scales.

Ugh. Pity party over, thanks for letting me vent!