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How to respond?

hollyissad's picture

Submitted by hollyissad on Tue, 02/10/2015 - 1:49pm

For those who aren't familiar with my situation....SD6's mom passed away when she was 4. She is ok for the most part, but does say she misses her mom. Lately I have noticed that it seems to happen when she is sick or in trouble.

The sick part I understand...lots of people want their mom when they are sick. But I don't know how to respond when she is in trouble and says that she just really misses her mom. I know that you have to be sympathetic and compassionate in this situation. Still, it feels a bit like manipulation.

Last few examples...SO asks why SD room is a mess and she mentions how much she misses her mom. SD6 is picking at her dinner not eating much when she bursts into tears saying she misses her mom. She did not end up eating her dinner...

She does not mention her mom much otherwise. Very confusing... This seems to be happening more and more. When SO talked to her about what we have noticed she was adamant that she really missed her mom.

Comments

Mom2TwinsnTeens's picture

Submitted by Mom2TwinsnTeens on Tue, 02/10/2015 - 2:04pm

Turn it around on her. Say "your mom would want you to eat/clean your room/etc"

new to this's picture

Submitted by new to this on Tue, 02/10/2015 - 2:05pm

I'm sure she does miss her, my mother died when I was seven. I would comfort her and say I'm sorry, I know you miss her and I understand (comfort) but you still have to eat, or you still have to clean your room. You can't let her use that as an excuse. Kids are very manipulative and if she continues to get away with not doing what she is suppose to do then it will become a big issue.

ksmom14's picture

Submitted by ksmom14 on Tue, 02/10/2015 - 2:14pm

I could maybe see her being reminded of the fact her mom is gone by these "bad" situations. Say she's told to clean her room and she doesn't want to so she's sitting there thinking "I'm sad, I'm upset, I don't want to clean my room, my life is bad" and then she connects it with other bad things in her life, such as losing her mother, something else that was bad in her life. Just a thought of what the connection may be, beyond deliberate manipulation...

Either way, I agree with the other posters, it seems the best solution is to say something along the lines of "I'm sorry you miss your mom but you still need to eat/clean your room".

hollyissad's picture

Submitted by hollyissad on Tue, 02/10/2015 - 3:01pm

And the thing that I find interesting is that she used to just mention her mom in casual conversation but now for the most part she doesn't. She can be twirling around in the living room singing songs but then she is asked why she didn't clean up and then she brings up mom. I know she does miss her mom, but I don't want her to begin to excuse her behavior based on it. That's not ok.

On a side note, a week ago my SO found a paper she made in art class that said I love my mom. I decided to talk to her because I thought hey, this is an appropriate time to talk about missing her mom.

Me: hey SD. You have been missing your mom lately huh?
SD: yeah
Me: well it's ok to miss your mom. I bet she would love what you made for her in art class!
SD: huh? Oh...actually I made that for you. Maybe I should have put I love my new mom.

Mind you, she typically calls me by my first name. But she's normally a pretty happy kid. It concerns me that this us coming up more and more when she is in trouble.