I moved out.. reached my breaking point and said "I'm gone" - FOLLOW UP AND ADDITIONAL INFO
I didn't put this in my initial post.
The morning SS13 threatened me and I called the cops, the cops told DH to take a drive so they could peak to me in private - jut 20 minutes, but they wanted to know "my plans" - they were genuinely concerned and compassionate.
DH had been forcing me to put my CS in the shared checking account for year claiming we "needed it" and we did to support the boys. We had them full time and my daughter 1/2 the time (my ex and I live close and have shared parenting). I still get CS (my ex makes 4x what I do) and I have a good job as well making a nice sum of money.
DH made a lot less than me and also was unemployed off and on over the past 3 years - more OFF than ON.
And BM paid so very little in CS - less than a weeks worth of groceries for these little assholes - in a MONTH.
So, I began to save money on the sly. I would skim off the top of EVERYTHING I could - 20 here, 40 there.. I sold my purses and shoes. Took all the boys outgrown clothes to resale shops (DH never knew since he never did things like go thru and get rid of things that didn't fit). When I would go to the grocery, I would buy a 20 gift card here and there because I knew when I left him, he would make me fight for everything and anything that was mine (small stuff wise like kitchen goods, towels, etc.)
Over the year or so things were at their worst, I had close to 1200 saved. Not a ton, but it was a good start.
So that morning, while I was speaking to the cops, DH went to the bank and took out 80% of what was in there. 80 mother effing percent! It was not all his and he knew it, but he didn't care.
I had set up our account to send me alerts if there were any large transactions and while I was talking to the cops I received a text.. I read it and told them and they both just shook their heads and asked me if I had any family to help me out. Unfortunately, I do not. My parents weren't what anyone would call parents and I was raised by my grandparents. Who are deceased.
The cops left a few minutes later and I went directly to the bank and took out what was left. It wasn't much, but combined with what I had already managed to save, it was enough to get me out of there.
So, my point is this - protect yourselves. These men, most of them, want control and will do whatever it takes to keep you under their thumb. They break you down emotionally and mentally - steal your hope and make you feel less than human by removing any control you have over your environment.
Believe me, I was there. I felt hopeless and afraid of being able to make it if/when I was able to get out. Saving money over time gave me a sense of power. Scanning the craigslist ads for places for rent, gave me knowledge and an idea of what I would need to get out.
Get informed. Save money. Have a plan. All of this helps you have hope - something DH doesn't want. Something this crappy environment robs you of over time.
I hope this helps each and every one of you and please, if you want to message me and ask for advice, vent, anything... I am here. You are NOT alone.
All of my friends have noticed a DRAMATIC change in me. They all say how much happier I am. How less nervous and neurotic I am.. lol.. they see the old me again and are so happy to have me back. So am I.
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Comments
And she was so right.
And she was so right. Because I own my house and vehicles, I have so much power if I'm done with DSO and he knows it too.
I don't have my own money nor
I don't have my own money nor my own car and I cannot find within me the will to put money secretly aside, as I feel it's almost like stealing. No parents or family to help or take me in as well. I'll be sooooooooooo screwed when I leave...
You are not stealing. If you
You are not stealing. If you put anything into that home in any way - childcare, housework, cooking.. anything at ALL, then you are entitled to that money. It is also yours.
Please listen to me: if you want out, then start saving. Start realizing you are worth more than this crappy life you are living.
You aren't so screwed. Sure, it will be difficult, but it will be worth it and the difficulties will get easier to manage.
Do you have a job? Why don't you have a car?
I do have a job but we have a
I do have a job but we have a joint account, so all the money goes there. Besides, I live 85 miles away from where I work and spend more than half my wages in gas and tolls, so I know that whatever amount is left, it's only enough to cover my food and minor expenses. SO has always been generous enough and has never made me feel like I contribute less than I should, but the fact is that I have no savings of my own.
I don't have a car because I sold mine when we moved to this location; it was not safe enough to handle a 2 and a half hour drive every day and the gas cost would amount to double. SO had just bought himself a new car and I started driving the old one, a solid station wagon.
Unfortunately I don't have time now... I believe I'll be moving out in 4 to 6 weeks, as soon as I can walk/drive.
You're not screwed. Get a
You're not screwed. Get a job. Use public transportation or walk back and forth.
I do have a job; mu problem
I do have a job; mu problem is the "beginning" (money to rent an apartment, for example; here you are obliged to pay 2 months in advance).
Go to your local church.
Go to your local church. They will help you. A lot of churches have funds available to help people out - it may not be much, like 100 or 200, but it's better than nothing at all. Also, look online for women's resources/groups in your area. Some of them will help with housing. I researched all of these things before I reached the point where I no longer feared what would happen if I got caught skimming money.. Don't give up! You are worth it and things will get better! It's always darkest before the dawn.
Thanks for your support.
Thanks for your support.
I can't believe his gall. He
I can't believe his gall. He withdraws 80% of your money. In your last blog you said he later tried to get you to change your mind. Is he nuts? He lets his child threaten you and then he steals your money but he wants you to forgive and forget?
Well done for planning and having an escape route! He must have been trying to financially force you to stay.
Have you changed all your passwords for important sites like banking? Pick something completely random like names of restuarants or flowers. You need to make them something he will never guess. The last thing you need is for him to try to ruin your credit.
Slightly OT my mom used to have running away money stashed. My dad wasn't physically abusive but he was completely incapable of remaining faithful. She ended up having to use it for a medical emergency for one of my sisters. They aren't together any more and are happier that way.
Oh, I know I allowed him to
Oh, I know I allowed him to have this control over me regarding my CS. I was essentially "bullied" into it with being called names and having my "commitment" to this family called into question.. meaning "you aren't all in" type statements.
Being told I was selfish, that my CS was needed and every penny that was taken in should go to the house..
It's all control. Mind control and fear. I didn't want to make my life harder than it already was.
I didn't choose to be a victim and I wouldn't call myself one. I was just a person that took the path of least resistance.
He took not 50% out of the
He took not 50% out of the checking BUT 80%. He is a snake. You also stated he has been out of work a lot. It sounds like...you will have more money now with him and his kids out of the picture. HUGS!