Not only does BM not trust me, neither does DH.

And I haven't been trying to parent the skids. I also have just been polite and addressed minor things with them. I don't go out of my way to do fun things with them and I let DH parent them. This because BM is insecure about me...she wanted stuff about no stepparent/grandparent having time alone with the skids. And the skids are in middle school/moving on to HS. It's silly.

DH wants us to parent together (ie he wants me to be the bad guy). But, he doesn't want me to do it in my style. Fine. I am willing to modify. What he can't tell me is what he'd like to be different. He's just uphappy with any way I do it. If we agree I tell him of infractions, he's miffed. If we agree I wait until there's a pattern, he's miffed. If I say nothing, he's miffed. He doesn't tell me he's changed his mind about a rule and then I tell him when I think the rule has been broken and he's miffed.

I trust him to parent my BS as he see fit. I don't coach him. All I ask is to tell me what he said so we're on the same page. (Our kids are all about the same age, so it's not like either one of us doesn't have experience with the age or has already done it and has advice.)

Last night when we were talking about the parenting/not parenting thing I said that perhaps he's got all these parameters and he's not happy with any way I do it is because he doesn't trust me. His body language said it all. He does not trust me.

He also wasn't listening to me. I was very open and I'm willing to change my style. I think it would be good. I just have a complete blindspot on how what I do is different from DH (other than the amount of "noticing" of infractions)...like how we tell a kid and correct. I'm willing to try, I'm just a literal person and I need examples. Every time I brought up an example to either give a suggestion of a different way it could work or an example and ask how I could have done it differently, DH got defensive and we were off on a tangent with him justifying his actions. I kept telling him I'm not challenging him, I just am asking for help and I need to understand how it should be different. I cannot divine it. There are an infinite number of ways I could do it differently. I asked if he had someone at work who wasn't doing a task they way they were supposed to would he just tell them that it's wrong and walk away? No. He'd explain how it should/could be done. That's all I'm asking. But he won't/can't even give me a direction.

I suggested again that I do ZERO parenting, not even mention anything to him. He *says* he doesn't want that. I told him I have no other ideas since he doesn't trust me, that's the only solution I see where the trust or lack thereof isn't an issue.

I was a more laidback parent when it was just me. Now I'm trying to make sure BS doesn't "get over" on anything, and figure out how the hell to walk the fine line between being DHs wife and a parent/adult in the house with two kids who I am but I am also not supposed to parent. I am so stressed. (Work isn't helping. I have a huge deadline and people complaining about how things are going there, too.)

Please do not tell me I'm pandering or I should have stood up for myself or I should leave, or I should never have tried parenting the skids. I've thought all of that already. I'm just feeling very low right now and I cried all night and I just want to vent to some people who may understand the mine fields of step-parenting.