I set myself up to cause problems.....
So yesterday I got myself all in a tizzy.
This is long and boring and you have my apologies.
You see, there is a pattern DH and I have that really infuriates me. We both work, but I work from home. He does shift work, and when he's not at his paying job he works around our farm as well. I work in the farm office, currently in our home.
I often feel the value and importance of my work is diminished by him, or that he doesn't see it as "real work". What mostly gets me to feel this way is when - after a day that we have BOTH been working 10+ hours- DH will waltz in the kitchen and ask "So.... are we doing anything for dinner?"
Now, part of this is perception problem on my behalf. I feel he asks the question in a rude manner, with a "tone". The translation my brain hears is "Uhhhh I've walked in the door and OBVIOUSLY you are NOT doing dinner so what are YOU going to do about dinner?"
It pisses me off because I'm not sure when it became my responsibility to have to figure out how the family is getting fed each night. I worked all day as well, just like him. Technically, he's not even AT work, he's doing chores on the farm. Sure, of course, the chores need to be done. But it is not his JOB to do them. Anyhow, I get resentful when he KNOWS I'm putting in a 10-12 hour day in the home office, but he assumes that I will also do the dinner work as well.
So yesterday as the day ticks on, I get irritated because I know the same scene is going to play out yet again. And it does. At 8pm DH comes in and wants to know what the plans are for dinner. I get mad. I tell him all of the above and he points out....
I could have called him to asked about it just as easily as he could have called me.
And he's RIGHT. I could have. I could have called him at noon or two and said "I'm working late in the office today, so you need to go to the store at 6 and get XYZ and be home by 7 and I will make dinner." Or, I could have said he needed to make it, or to pick up carry out.
My only response was that he IS right- I could have stopped the whole cycle by calling him. The only reason I think I didn't was out of some fucked up need to prove myself right by watching the scene play out yet AGAIN. So I set it up so it would.
Why do I do this to myself?
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But he didn't call you
But he didn't call you either. He walked in the door at 8 pm and asked what the plan was. He's still putting the onus on you to have a plan. Why should you have to call him and tell him what to make or get? It's still saying that dinner is Your job, even if it's just your job to delegate it elsewhere. And either way, it doesn't excuse him being rude.
Yeah, I see your point and I
Yeah, I see your point and I did make that point to him. It would always be ME calling him to give the heads up, and never the other way around. So ultimately, it is STILL ME who is the one who bears the responsibility of thinking about dinner.
My personal theory is that deep down inside, he wants a happy-homemaker type wifey. While I love to cook and can be quite domestic, I'm no happy-homemaker.
But I can see where he would cream his jeans over some wife that would have cold sweet tea and a hot meal waiting for him to come in from the field, ready with open arms and sweet kisses even if he's three hours late. FUCK THAT.
If it really bugs you (sounds
If it really bugs you (sounds like this is just the tip of the iceberg), maybe you could think about getting a job outside home..?
No, can't do that. I run the
No, can't do that. I run the farm we live on, and do all the business end stuff associated with it. It is my business more than his, so that would not be possible. And I wouldn't want to. I love the farm life.
I dunno... I kind of side
I dunno... I kind of side with your DH on this in that your perception that dinner is your responsibility is not necessarily "the truth". My DH and I both work outside the home, and we generally have a phone call while we're in our respective cars driving home. One of us will invariably ask something like "so what's the plan for dinner?" It's not even remotely a "dig", or perceived (by either of us) as MY responsibility. It's a straight up, "Well, we gotta eat. You have any ideas?" Sometimes I say I'll make XYZ, sometimes he's in the mood to make ABC, and sometimes one of us will even request the other person make dinner for whatever reason.
And sometimes we both say, "Fuck it, I'm tired. Where are we ordering from?"
I think you have to change your perception that this is your responsibility. It's a team thing. So when your DH comes home and says, "are we doing anything for dinner?" the reasonable response is, "I could eat." Then tell him what your preference is, if you have one, or ask if he's got any ideas. The key is figure it out together - offer your input, if you have any, ask his.
Not like he's coming home and saying, "Get your ass in the kitchen and make me a steak, woman!" THAT is better dealt with by "making him something special for his supper". (Julie Roberts in Something To Talk About. She's reading the recipe her aunt suggests and says, "Aunt Ray! That's - " Aunt Ray interrupts, "Oh it's not lethal! Not in those doses!" }:) )
But you know what? HE could
But you know what? HE could have called YOU instead of waiting until 8 pm to ask you when he walked in the door.