I am just taking a guess here..but going by my experience..if step dad's get more respect, it's because they're BM's spouse or SO. Anything the BM does is ok, while the bio-dad's are not allowed to do anything, include getting re-married. Most times (again, in my experience) it's because BM's might tell their kids to disrespect the step-mom's. It's usually always about the twisted loyalty the skids have for their BM's

get the book stepmonster, but wednesday martin.

it will answer that question and many more, and also validate your own feelings quite a bit.

Personally, I think it's because in many households the mother has the predominant role... the dad's, not so much. I also think that a lot of women, suck - ripened with insecurities, and selfish tendencies... When you have this dynamic and the couple divorces, the dads typically get less custody, the women turn into horrible, greedy monsters. The dads, are typically like deer in the headlights and so fearful that they will "lose their kids" (which, likely they will), coupled with the fact that they likely never were too involved in the parenting (daily basis kind of thing) so they suck at it - creates these passive, Disney Dad tendencies.

The women rule the roost... So when the BM gets remarried, all genders assume these basic roles. In a sense, particularly with women who PAS their kids out, the BM sort of shoves the new hubby in the dad's position, and that household remains fundamentally "the same as before" on the surface of it.

So in the dad's house, the dynamic is always sort of 'odd' and within that is the plight of the Step mother...

That's how I see it anyway.

I think the above posters are right, that has to do with the bm. The mom in most intact families do most of the child rearing, it doesn't change after divorce in most families. In most intact families dad just has to show up to be considered a good dad. In a divorced family dads role seems to be undefined. It seems that step mom doesn't fit in to the situation at all.

I dealt with it by living life the way I wanted with dh. At the beginning I was on the outside of dh, skids, and bms relationship circle. Now I am on the inside of the relationship circle with dh and our kids. Skids are the visitors now, and bm is not anything to our family.

I'll answer this question by explaining my own little family dynamic.

If I go to the bathroom, I go to the bathroom. I can stay there for a good half hour before anyone even notices I am gone. Even then, the only reason WHY people will notice I am in the bathroom is because someone else has to use it.

Now...If my wife goes to the bathroom, she is followed by BS, BD, SS and the dog... MY wife cannot go ANYWHERE in the house without a caravan behind her.

So it's easy for a man to be accepted in any household. He is not the center. He is just "there". The woman of the house on the other hand is like the sun and the rest of the family are like orbiting planets. So there is a lot that is expected out of her. She must provide warmth, sunshine, clarity and bright smiles. If she is not there, or if she cannot fufil that role, it's as if the universe is falling apart. Like others have said, a lot hinges on the "role" of the lady of the house, be it a mother or a step-mother. A lot is expected of her. She is expected to know the kids teacher's names, their schedules, their friend's names, what their favorite foods are, etc

The man OTOH is only vaguely aware that there are little people living in his house.

In our case, it's been because while BM has always bashed me and DH, DH has never said a bad word about BM or her husband-at-the-time.

Even though I have never treated SD badly, there has always been that underlying mistrust by her because of BM's lies. Not so with any of BM's husbands because we do not bother to comment on them.

But in general terms, I think that (especially) where BM has primary custody, the kids tend to latch on to the idea that the step dad spends more time with them, does more for them, cares more for them, etc. The BMs egg this on. And step dads just don't have that stereotype that step moms have.

It seems that these kids will except any excuse for a "mother figure" (BM) but when it comes to a "father figure", they are convinced by certain BMs that the step dad is it.

I disagree with most of what has been said

Ok, here's my credentials - I am a BM, was a SM, am a Step child, had a SM and a SDad.

So I've done this shit from all angles LOL

As a bio mother, I would never tolerate my children treating my partner with disrespect. Pretty simple. My children are expected to treat him with respect and courtesy as an adult figure in their life and home (am talking as though we were still together, just so you get the dynamic) The same with their SM - their dad's new wife - I will not tolerate them being disrespectful to her. They have been brought up to respect adults.

Parts of what others have said are true - my ex did not expect his children to respect me, their BM told them NOT to respect me and to in fact make my life hell on earth.

I do think it comes down to how the parent of the children teaches the children to treat their new partner - just because I am BM doesn't make me horrible, I don't teach them that he is better than their dad blah blah blah, but I do expect better behaviour from them. Most dads of COD do NOT support their new wives, for a myriad of reasons.

Those who mentioned StepMonster - and the stereotypical roles of men and women are also on the money. Women are just expected to fall into that mother role, and whilst our men expect us to love and nurture their hellspawn they take away any actual parental or authority figure power, setting us up for total failure. They side with their children against us and refuse to allow us to discipline - and WE are the bad guys for not loving their little darlings....

Step-fathers are not expected by society or by their wives for the most part to have such feelings or influence on their skids. And skids are not threatened by step-fathers. Mothers usually have the kids living with them, and do not stop loving, seeing or caring for their children on a normal basis even when they re-partner. The new partner just slots into their lives with not as much impact.

Children of divorce have lost that day to day contact with their father, so they already feel that they have lost a part of him if that makes sense? They don't see him every day, their routines are disrupted and they create new ones with the limited time they do have with their father. They become very insular little groups when on daddy time. It all revolves around daddy and children spending all their time together when they have it. Then along comes daddy's new GF. She takes up what they now see as their precious daddy time, and they feel that they are losing him all over again. They are fiercely protective of what they feel they are losing, this interloper is coming in and taking away even more of their dad. SM becomes a threat to their security. And dad usually feels guilty for not seeing his kids as much, for leaving them etc. So he does not teach his kids how to treat his new partner, he is scared as well, of losing them. Not many of these men lets be honest are able to support their new wives/partners in the face of the childrens disapproval and bad behaviour. Eventually some step up and get it, and others don't and the new relationships fall apart as well, and its blamed on the wicked SM who hated the kids and tried to change the family etc.