this is a snapshot of what we go through on a daily basis. he has six steps in his escalation. every. damn. time.

first off tho' let me say this - YES i am disengaged from him. however i WILL get involved when it affects me directly (personally or financially), or is a matter of medical safety. or unless it's something i just feel like doing.

dh is napping. i'm on the back deck having a cigg. the door opens behind me and out comes yss and the dog. yss has no shoes on. "yss, shoes please."

1) ignore
yss - **crickets**

tuff - "yss, i said shoes please"

2) brush off
yss - **inaudible noise**

tuff "YSS. shoes!"

3) acknowledge and refuse, keep doing what HE wants
yss - "i KNOW. i HEARD you" as he continues pacing around in the dirt with twenty dollar socks on.
tuff - **deep breath** looks the other way.

4) reason (aka attempt to argue to see if u'll cave and just let him do what he wants)
yss comes back onto the deck and asks me to hold the dog's leash. he flops into the chair next to me, yanks his socks off, throws them across the deck and says "ok i'll take him back now".
tuff - "no. shoes."
yss - "oh my gaaawdddd this is soooo stuuupppiiidddddd. just let me have his leash!"
tuff - "no. shoes."
yss - "c'mon just let me have him, he wants to go inside, see, i'm right in front of the door just let me have hiiiiimmmmmm"
tuff - "no. shoes."
yss goes inside.

5) lie
yss comes back out and stands behind me. "ok i've got shoes on. will u let me have him now?"
tuff looks over shoulder, he's still barefoot. "yss. do not lie to me."

6) stomp off in rage that he still didnt get his way
yss "but but AAAARRRGGGHHHH this is steeeewwwpiiiiddd", jerks door open, slams it behind him, stomps to his room (and yes, i can hear all this loud and clear).

i took my fur baby back out to the sideyard, cuz i knew he didnt get to do the rest of his business, then i head inside. i go to dh and tell him what happened. then i calmly inform him of this :
"dh, you know i dont agree w/ how yss treats and talks to you, but you choose to allow that and that's fine, that's between you and him. but when that shit is directed at ME - nuh uh. one more time, and i will remove any and all support i do on his behalf. of course i will tell him in advance, and if he chooses that behavior with me, well that'll be his choice. but he needs to remember, i pay for half the internet/cable. i pay for half the electricity. i CAN and WILL shut him down on those. any cooking that i'd been willing to do for him? NOPE. any rides i was ok with giving him? NOPE. homework help? NOPE. he will not backtalk, cop attitude, or LIE to me. i will not accept that."
dh sighs, takes my hand, and says "i know, baby. i understand."

PS - this is a medical safety and financial issue here. the deck is old and has lots of nailheads popping up all over the place. the sideyard is nothing but dirt and rocks, some small, some baseball sized. tetnus. plantars warts. heeellluuuuurrrrr. besides, he's already gotten plantars before to the tune of a few hundred dollars (the ins viewed it as a 'procedure' so we paid 20%, or around 350.00)

we go through this daily, several times a day. with various different issues. it's *usually* with dh, rarely with me, but i hear it continuously.