O/T: the loss of a baby, what do y'all think?
Preface: this post isn't meant to offend or seem judgy, I'm genuinely curious to your opinions based off of what I know which isn't much as you'll read
I don't have Facebook but my husband does. During the beginning of Summer I had my BS around the same time a couple of DHs coworkers also had their babies. Unfortunately one of these babies had come too early and after a lot of surgery and a few months in incubation, he passed. I can't imagine what it's like to lose your baby before you even get to hold him. I know that I would just lose my mind if anything were to happen to BS. That being said I wanted to tell y'all some things the moms been up to that I think are odd. I am very worried for her but maybe it's normal. I'll start with when the baby passed away she finally got to hold him. A very sad moment but she took hundreds (literally) of pictures of him and them holding him. Unfortunately the baby was very swollen and bloated so the pictures were really gut wrenching to see. She posted them on Facebook. I can get that, but she's still posting them. Now that by itself isn't so odd. I might've done the same.
Next she posts about carrying him around with her during the day. She was gifted a baby carrier (sling) and had the baby's ashes put into a teddy bear she carries around the house while she's home. Now I'm starting to worry for her, but I don't know...maybe I would have an attachment to the bear as well? I just don't know. A part of me tells me that she is coping in her way and if she's healing then that's amazing. But another parts of me worries she's not healing at all and she's subjugating the bear as if it were her son.
Okay well I put her on the back burner because really all I can do is worry for her and DH only updates me every now and then or when I remember to ask which with a newborn and SS4 I sometimes forget to even brush my teeth before carpool. Today he got in the car and told/showed me the latest with her. She has custom ordered a doll maker to create a life model recreation of her baby. The doll's skin is texturized, it has real hair, etc. This isn't your average doll baby from Target. Now I can't help but worry. She seems to me to still be in denial (not judging at all, I would probably be too) but is this healthy? To recreate your baby? Honestly I'm worried about what happens when the doll baby isn't enough anymore. What if she gets to the point where the doll baby just isn't real enough for her? I don't know, maybe I've seen too many movies or read too many books. What do y'all think? Do you think these things would help you?
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She needs help. I've known a
She needs help.
I've known a few people who have lost babies and the pictures, yes. The rest, no. And the custom doll is really getting into creepy territory, she needs help and I have to wonder why nobody is getting it for her.
I assume everyone around her
I assume everyone around her feels as I do. They don't have personal experience so they don't know whether this is helping her heal or enabling her denial. When DH first started to tell me these things I asked him the same thing but then again maybe I don't know anything about the dolls because I've never been exposed to such a loss. Personally I don't think I would like seeing a replica doll every day, that would torture me. So I am more leaning towards this being unhealthy but it's opinion based and that's not good enough to say anything.
Thanks for commenting. I'm
Thanks for commenting. I'm sorry for your loss and I agree that I think she's trying to recreate something to fill the void. My worst fear for her (probably because I watch too many movies) is what happens when the doll is no longer enough? I immediately think of the movies where the mom loses her baby and tries to find ways to bring him back until she realizes she can't and then she kidnaps a child that reminds her of her own later on. I hate myself for thinking that way but the only exposure I've had to this is what I've seen on tv of the news so of course it's extreme and negative.
While I hope she has a
While I hope she has a therapist regardless of her actions, I do think they are bordering on the extreme. At the same time, however, I can imagine doing the same thing/similar. Having my children are the absolute greatest joys I've ever felt. If she's not doing anything harmful to herself or others, maybe she needs this. I don't know. I think the worst part is her posting all this on FB. The doll and the bear are too much to post. Maybe one picture of the bear to show she's keeping him in a special spot, but absolutely no more than that. I don't know why she would feel broadcasting her grief to that extent would help. It's tough. I'm sad because I feel my period coming this morning. I can't imagine going through a pregnancy and losing a baby after all that. Stillbirth has always been my biggest fear.
Her DH probably needs help too. My DH is sad for a coworker having an early miscarriage. He gets it. It's all around heart-breaking.
This is why I just don't know
This is why I just don't know what to think because I can't say I wouldn't do the same. Well I don't think I'd want a doll replica but I might cuddle or hold onto the bear that held his remains. The pictures I can understand, we live in such a desensitized world with social media that people post pictures at wakes and funerals so her posting the first time she held him isn't so extreme unfortunately.
I don't know about the husband. I've asked how he's grieving and my DH just says he hasn't been posting much on social media and he goes to work all the same as before.
I had a baby that was
I had a baby that was delivered full term and passed three days after birth from an undetected heart condition. I think in the beginning the shock of it all carries you through. My grandparents took care of the burial arrangements. I was upset that when I got home from the hospital everything was dismantled and packed away in the attic. I wanted to do that. I know my family was just trying to help. It was so painful to see happy families with their babies. This was my first born child. I cried every single day for many years but did not go to the extremes of this woman. It will get better as time goes on but I will never ever forgot. I still cry mostly when I am driving and wondering what kind of man he would have grown up to be. Holidays, his birthday and his date of passing are still very painful. I will say the death of my child changed me as a person. I was never the same. Two years later I had my daughter. I was terrified through the entire pregnancy. Having her refocused my attention and then many, many years later came two more. Don't be afraid to talk to her but don't talk about the baby. I wanted people to talk to me to tell me about what was going on in their lives. If anyone tried to tell me about someone that they knew that died or someone that was went through the same think I couldn't keep it together because this was my pain and my loss...no one could possibly understand. Invite her out and talk to her about fun things but not about the baby. She knows that you know.
I'm so sorry for your loss
I'm so sorry for your loss and I appreciate you telling me your perspective on this. It helps me understand what she could be going through. And thanks for the advice to take her out, now that you've mentioned it, it sounds pretty obvious that she needs to be out and about trying to get back to some kind of normal. Well her new normal
I knew you were heading to
I knew you were heading to the doll thing before I even read it. I have seen those dolls and seen stories about the women who own them.
Obviously, nobody knows exactly what's going on in her head but denial is a powerful thing and can turn dangerous. Some amount of denial is normal but she seems to be crossing that line.
People deal with grief differently, that is true, and denial is a part of it but if she stays in denial instead of dealing with death and moving onto healing, she is heading for a breakdown.
Well if you've also heard of
Well if you've also heard of the dolls then maybe it's more mainstream than I thought. I've never experienced or been around anyone with this kind of loss so I can't apply any knowledge or advice. All I have is my opinion which of course is invalid because it's never happened to me. I was considering though that she did order the doll from someone so there has to be a market for this. So maybe it is common and I'm just sheltered.
It's considered a subculture.
It's considered a subculture. There are women who collect them just to collect them and women who take it a little further, to the point of "nursing" them. I guess time will tell how far your DH's co-worker takes it.
I worked with a woman who got
I worked with a woman who got pregnant (by her husband) unplanned. She used to sit in staff meetings and bitch about how much she did not want to be pregnant (very far along) and how much she did not want to have those babies (twins).
She ended up having them very prematurely and they both died. From that point on she was the martyr of the century. She had their picture on her desk and wore baby rings around her neck. She was in perpetual mourning. On the first anniversary of their death she had them reburied and had a huge memorial service.
I think she must have been guilt ridden over her many statements that she wished she wasn't pregnant but she really did go overboard.
I'd have had more sympathy for her if she wasn't the biggest fucking bitch I'd ever known in my life. When one of her employees had a successful pregnancy after several late miscarriages she FIRED her. Really - this was about 35 years ago in Texas where one could do crap in at will state. I promptly rehired her and she literally made death threats to me.
It's sad she didn't learn
It's sad she didn't learn from the horrible experience. I'm glad you rehired the woman she fired. I can understand not enjoying being pregnant. I was also pretty miserable but it was more so that I was losing control of my body (weight, odor, illness/fatigue) that bothered me. I did love feeling my baby. Giving birth was also not as glamour as Hollywood makes it and now I am perfectly happy with having only one child.