Update about the Cross Dressing SS

So a few days have gone by. DH and I have had 2 talks that were actually good talks with no fighting. But now we are at an impasse.

For some background, SS18 (stb19) announced earlier this year that he was "gender fluid", and came home from his first year of college liking to on occasion dress as a woman at home and in public. He has a bra with prosthetics he wears. He does not "pass" as female and it is blatantly obvious he is a male dressing as a female. This is only important because I worry about his safety, as he seems a little polly-anna-ish that the world should be all love and acceptance. He dresses as a male some days, and a female on others. He gives no warning of what you are going to get.

My issues- while I am all for LGBT rights and think people who are transgendered have the right to use whatever bathroom they identify with- I have some hesitations with SS. This all makes me far more uncomfortable than I care to admit. Part of the reason this may be so awkward is that no warning was given. One day he just waltzed into the kitchen in drag.

One of the main reasons is because when SS does this at home, he always has a raging erection. I mean a "busting out of my pants" kind of erection. And he doesn't seem to be hiding it. If anything, he almost seems to be flaunting it. He also dresses like a slut when he dresses as female, and that to me is offensive. To me it means he sees being a woman as being a sexualized object dressing for mens pleasure.

I've done a little research. There is something called autogynephilic transgenderism that many people confuse with transgenderism. It basically means that a man is not transgendered (as in they don't actually feel as if they are a woman trapped in a mans body) but rather simply gets aroused at seeing himself as a woman. It's not a gender identity issue, it's a sexual kink. They literally get aroused by imagining themselves as a woman, dressing as a woman, or pretending to be a woman. But they don't feel like a woman and they don't want to be a woman. And I think that is what SS is doing. But that's my opinion and I am not a therapist. To me, a genuine trans person would not be sexually aroused by dressing as the sex that they identify with. And SS is most definitely aroused by what he is doing.

Anyhow- DH has made it very clear that he does not want any compromise on the issue of SS cross dressing. He wants 100% support and acceptance. No matter when or where SS chooses to do it, including in public.

I'm not as evolved. If I am honest with myself, I find it uncomfortable, embarrassing, and awkward. I want to hide under a rock when SS does this. Maybe this makes me a terrible person or not, I don't know. DH has had a string of insults for me about being a hateful bigot, etc. I think he is lying to me and himself when he says he doesn't care. Of course he cares. No one would CHOOSE this for their child.

I'd be willing to compromise for the following things-
*No walking around the house flaunting erections ever in any clothes. Keep that shit behind closed doors.
*Not to wear the prosthetic bra or make up at home. If he wants to wear them out, he can. No different than when I had to sneak midrif baring tops out of the house at 19 because my Dad would have killed me.
*To not dress like a 2 bit whore when dressing as a woman, because that is insulting to all women and it is not what being a woman is about.

I have to admit I'm afraid to ask my DH to agree to these stipulations. He has been clear that *any* stipulations could mean divorce. He is afraid to do or say anything that would drive a wedge between him and his son. Or daughter. Or whatever.

I'm having moments where this just all feels like too much. DH and I have been through hell and back with steplife over 15 years total(married 10). To think it would all crash down over some fake titties and make up is so crazy. Yet it is my house too, and I hate being told that MY thoughts and feelings will not be taken into consideration at all.

Is this unreasonable? I don't want to be unsupportive or trans-phobic (aside from the fact that I don't think he's actually trans at all)... yet it seems that any counselor would likely tell a trans person to not expect their family to be ready for this all at once, and that the family might need some consideration to process these changes as well.

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The only one of your

The only one of your stipulations I agree with is the no walking around flaunting erections--that should be enforced regardless of who is doing it or what they are wearing.

Aside from that, I think the bigger fuss you put up, the more outrageous the behavior will be.

I have to admit I'm afraid to

I have to admit I'm afraid to ask my DH to agree to these stipulations. He has been clear that *any* stipulations could mean divorce.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
I rarely advocate divorce but I would tell this man BYE. And you are NOT a bigot because this makes you uncomfortable. Jeez louise!! Who would find this an awesome way to live? I would not allow that in my house. Now if he was truly transgendered, I could deal with. But not this stuff you describe. That is just attention seeking any way he can get it. Showing his SM his erection….good greif. GAG. And DH thinks this is ok? Nope.

But you will have ones that will tell you that you should allow it because even though SS is being a giant pervert, you threw out the word transgender and some think that makes everything they do OK. Good luck. I could not even imagine living like this.

Yes, yes, and yes.

"I hate being told that MY

"I hate being told that MY thoughts and feelings will not be taken into consideration at all". If this is the case, and your husband is not even partner enough to allow open discussions as you process this then there really isn't much of a marriage there anyways. I'm going to be politically incorrect and flame away whoever but I agree with your discomfort! I don't care for when I see a woman dress like a streetwalker and even moreso a man doing it.

I would totally support dh in

I would totally support dh in his 100%, however. No one in my house will go around dressing like a whore or with an erection in my house. If you cannot dress or behave appropriately then do not come out of your room or don't come to my house.

I can understand about the

I can understand about the erection thing. With respect to dress, you should leave well enough alone. It doesn't matter what category of sexual orientation your skid falls under, you should respect such choices as a human being. It's not hurting you. Perhaps therapy could assist you in overcoming your discomfort.

We all have lines we're not

We all have lines we're not willing to cross (or live with being crossed). We might be right, we might be wrong, but that doesn't matter. A happy life matters.

I don't know how much time SS spends in your home, or how much time in public you normally spend with him, but if the choice you face is to be deeply uncomfortable or to leave, I'd leave. Maybe just for the day/weekend if that's the situation, or maybe it's the relationship.

I know it's not that easy. And it's got nothing to do with accepting SS or defining SS or having a clue about what goes on in that brain of his, it's to do with accepting yourself.

You don't want to be around a man, who is not your partner, who is showing you his sexual arousal. I'd be uncomfortable with that as well.

You are embarrassed by how he dresses. What if he licked his plate after eating? Do you have the 'right' to not be around that? It's also embarrassing behaviour that I too would avoid at home and in public.

Spray bottle filled with

Spray bottle filled with water?? Like you would do with a cat

i was thinking fly swatter.

i was thinking fly swatter. }:)

Do NOT flick or swat it!

Do NOT flick or swat it! Ermagaad, he might LIKE that!! Use Lysol.

It's not hurting you. Perhaps

It's not hurting you. Perhaps therapy could assist you in overcoming your discomfort.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Bullshit. She has EVERY right to feel discomfort in HER house. SS sounds like the one who needs therapy to figure out what the hell is going on in his head.

One has to wonder if part of

One has to wonder if part of his sexual arousal is him getting off on your reaction or showing himself to you. It is perverse that your dh shows no concern for this conduct. We go too far with this respecting who you are crap. If who he is amounts to a person who chronically runs around sporting erections in tight clothes in front of other people's wives then who he is needs to be around only those who think that is fab such as Daddy dearest, not the vast majority of people that would be repulsed by it.

yes, the pendulum has swayed

yes, the pendulum has swayed WAY too far from discrimination and hostility to now utter the word gay or transgender or gender fluid or whatever and it becomes an excuse for any conduct whatsoever and if anyone dare make a peep you are labled a bigot or hater. NO. That is NOT what true equality is about.

We suspect he might have been

We suspect he might have been dressing as female at school this past year. His roommate is transgendered and lives as a female 24/7.

This is the first time he has done this at home. The erection incident has occurred twice, and both times were the only times I have seen him in drag. I don't know if he has an erection when he gos out in public like this.

We are custodial and he has always lived with us. He visits BM about once a month for a weekend or one overnight. BM is a loon and a flake. Apparently he has worn dresses at his BM's in the past, but we did not know about that.

SS stands firm that he is NOT transgendered, that he feels both male and female and it changes in cycles. he wants to dress as whatever gender he feels like when he feels like it and with no warning because "gender is just a label, and humans don't NEED labels".

Maybe that's true, and I'm just a knuckle dragging caveman, but this all seems like too much speshul snowflake indulgence.

If humans don't need labels

If humans don't need labels then you don't need the label of bigot or hater by him, you dh or anyone to have the feelings you have

Start wearing tops with your

Start wearing tops with your tatas hanging out all over the place and see how accommodating your DH would be about that.

Honestly I do not understand these men that would walk through fire than to actually parent their child(ren). I know, I'm married to one of them but the hell if I'd let SS13 walk around the house with a raging boner!

I'm sorry but your DH is way wrong on this. His son is just being flat-out rude and you have a right to have a say on what happens in your own home. This is so unfair for you.

"Start wearing tops with your

"Start wearing tops with your tatas hanging out all over the place and see how accommodating your DH would be about that"

OMG - YAAASSS!!!!! find some low cut t-shirts and wear them without a bra, let the ta tas fly free and see how your husband responds to THAT. Grab him and run to the store (a store waaaaaaaaaaay out of your neighborhood) and see how comfortable he is walking around with his wife, whose boobies are flapping in the wind.

Tell him you're gender fluid and you're just trying to see what kind of reaction you get out in public.

Or, better yet, get him all aroused in the store parking lot and then walk into the store - let him see how people react to raging boners out in public.

Tatas out and wearing a

Tatas out and wearing a jockstrap. Nothing else.

And a strap on. Walk around

And a strap on. Walk around with your erection showing while your tatas are flapping around (do wear paaties!).

~smooches robin on da mouth~

Back at you, Aniki.

Um, robin.... is that a can

Um, robin.... is that a can of hairpray in your pocket or are you still wearing that strap-on?!

I'm just happy to see you.

LMAO

Uuuuuuuhhh...we'll have to do

Uuuuuuuhhh...we'll have to do the awkward teenage-style hug: arms around each other, hips 4 feet apart.

LOLOL!!!!

Oh my gosh, i almost wet

Oh my gosh, i almost wet myself, tooo funny

or wear too small undies and

or wear too small undies and leggings and proudly display your toe a la camel all weekend around the house. Tell your DH he must be 100% supportive and all that...

You can require that to be

You can require that to be seen in public with you SS has to comply with a standard you set. If he chooses not to comply, he does not go in public with you.

Pretty simple.

Flaunting the boner is not a female characteristic I don't give a crap what any pseudo science moron says about it. If you wanna dress as a women, keep Mr Happy under control. PERIOD!!

For that matter the same applies for anyone with male parts. No erections in public. Keep that crap covered and modestly presented. Sure, a little kid busting a chubby is one thing but a physically mature male needs to keep things under some control in public. I completely understand the erections in public issue. Sometimes they happen. There are ways to deal with them so that they are not popping a tent. It is not hard to figure out how to align them to keep them from being overtly visible.

As for being more or less evolved in the acceptance of SS's gender fluidity.... IMHO this is not about the kid dressing as either a male or a female but dressing with some class and some level of sensitivity to the people who have to be exposed to the genderly dismorphic individual.

His daddy may be okay with it but IMHO the rest of society can make their own choice as individuals if they are okay with it. A primary and important parental responsibility is to raise children to effectively synch with and contribute to society. It would appear that DH has failed spectacularly with the busting the boner dress clad SS.

IMHO of course.

OMG - nobody wants to see his

OMG - nobody wants to see his wiener!! Ask your husband how his employer would feel if HE started walking around at work with a big boner popping out of his too small clothes???

I am going to drive to your house and punch your husband AND your SS in the wiener!!!!

You do NOT have to feel uncomfortable in your own home. SS is an adult and YOU are not required to support his boner-baring ASS anymore.

Ugh - I am so mad at your husband!!!

Flying Five Fist Monkey Nut

Flying Five Fist Monkey Nut Punch!!!

I assume this is the "I'm a

I assume this is the "I'm a vegetarian" phase that college kids go through, amped up due to the excitement of being shocking and indulged under the auspices of acceptance.

I'm on the side that says ignore it, except no raging boners and no disrespectful getups around the house or out with you- no matter who he is presently identifying as. That's not bigotry, that is respectfulness and common decency. Something all parents should instill and demand regardless of gender.

I would just focus on the respect and decency angle when discussing with DH. You wouldn't take your stepdaughter to dinner looking like a whore, and the same goes for your stepson. And a public boner is unacceptable regardless of whether it's displayed in pants or a skirt. Now that's true equality!

I tried to post on your last

I tried to post on your last entry, but it didn't save for some reason. I linked a bunch of websites, basically saying what's going on is a paraphillia & that it is NOT acceptable for him to be walking around errect in the house. It shows such inappropriate boundaries, that I quite frankly think the kid needs counseling NOW. I'm in the field, the kid needs a therapist now. Wanting to feel any kind of sexual gratification in front of any parental figure is really off at that age. I can't remember if other children are present or not, but that makes it unbelievably sick. This paraphillia & walking around errect, it's like sitting down with your parents & telling them everything you like to do in bed while hard. I really think this is serious, it's not acceptable behavior. The kid needs counseling.

I can't say whether or not he identifies as a woman, whether he's just trying to relate more to his feminine side, or whether he feels more powerful dressed as a woman, maybe it's all of the reasons. I don't have issue with any of the reasons, to each their own. My issue is with the raging hard on in front of inappropriate people, something is very wrong there. It's clearly making you uncomfortable & your DH needs to understand just how inappropriate it is. If it wasn't occurring in conjunction to a visible boner, it would be whatever he wants, at least in my mind. I think your views on it are quite different from mine, but I'm wondering if the boner has you thrown a bit off. & if it's really coming down over prosthetic breasts & makeup I believe that's your issue to deal with, but if it's coming down over his walking around errect that IS something to bring down the house over.

This is not a transgender

This is not a transgender issue, this is a respect issue. If you spin it that way your DH just might listen. You will never get bullet point number 2 so fight battles you can win. It is disrespectful of a grown man (18yo),other than your DH, to walk around your home with a boner. It is also disrespectful for SS to dress like a whore. You could argue that if he would not be okay with a daughter wearing such attire than it should not be okay for a son.

Have yall watched that show

Have yall watched that show Transparent? It's pretty good but they address this. Two men develop a friendship through the years but one is transexual and the other is that kink you described.

I just had to go hurl after

I just had to go hurl after imagining ss30 traipsing around the house dressed as a female with a giant erection. Sorry, I disagree with your DH. You have every right to feel comfortable in your home. Any normal woman would have issue with a ss walking around with an erection.

I think the two things you

I think the two things you should have on that list are:

Not walking around with the hard on visible.

GET INTO THERAPY!

You can phrase the therapy as "being concerned for him and wanting him to have full, professional support to understand what he's going through" not "he's a pervert who needs fixing"

blah blah blah self

blah blah blah self expression and all that crap. Until this "adult" pays the bills, he needs to respect the feelings of those he lives with. I certainly wouldn't let my DD18 dress like a sleaze in my house or make her SF uncomfortable. It's about respect.

The raging boner ....oh hell NO ! and the OPs DH should be ashamed he ignored his wife's feelings. I wouldn't EVER go out in public with that kid.

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Update about the Cross Dressing SS

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