What does your DH say about this? SD is his daughter after all.

Your post doesn't elude to how SD has matured and acts today, only how her actions caused a rift when she was 12. Is it possible she has grown beyond some of those behaviors? You son obviously sees something in her that is positive.

Maybe it's the right time to offer an olive branch. Apologize for your part in the past, express to her that you don't hate her and you'd like to put it all behind you and start again. Not only for yourself but for your son and now their child.

Understand that you may need to start slow. That she might not accept any of that right away. Show her that you can respect their choices without judgment.

It seems to me you have too much to lose to keep the hatred and resentment going. I'm not saying you are right or wrong just that you only have one son and you stand to lose contact with him and your grandchildren.

Can you DH help bridge that gap that has grown over the years? You should have your DH, your son and your own actions on your side to turn this around.

Good luck, I sympathize with your situation.

How old was SD when she threw the book? How does she behave now? Is there any way (assuming she's not still crazy) that the relationship could be repaired, or at least amicable? I understand that in some situations that just wouldn't be plausible, but if I were in your situation, that's the first thing I'd be attempting.

Go see the baby, be courteous to SD and hope for the best.

That really sucks. They are both very young, anything could happen between them. All I know is, you don't want to give ammunition for them having a deeper bond based on your behavior. Let time work it out.

Your SD was young when she did all of those things. I agree with the other reply about her not knowing you pushed her father to have a relationship. Your DH needs to address that with her, because she probably won't believe it out of you.

I have to wonder what your son was thinking. He's very young to be married with a child. I find it very inappropriate that the 2 of them got married, considering they were raised to see each other as a type of sibling. I think they both need counseling, for that alone.

& why would your son decide to marry a young woman he knew you had such conflict with? He knew it would only further complicate things & he likely knew you wouldn't be in his life if he chose that path. Just some things to think about. IMO you could use counseling as well, for your own mental health so you can try to let some stuff go.

I'm not sure if you are real or a troll but assuming your story is true I think there's still time and ways to mend things. I don't think anyone with a new baby relishes the idea of their child not knowing some of their grandparents. I think the first thing you need to do is contact your DIL directly. I don't think trying to communicate through your DH or DS has done you any favors because it's still giving your DIL the impression that you are fine with other people having a relationship with her but you don't want one for yourself and at this point you HAVE to play nice with her if you want access to your grandchild.

WOW! this is one messed up situation! I feel for you, I really do. Sounds like both parties here need to forgive and forget for the sake of the baby. I know you want full access to the your son and grandchild but for now, just take what is being offered to you. Over time maybe things can get better. You and SD both hold resentment toward each other obviously and its going to take forgiveness and acceptance on both parts. Your DH and son can also play a role in this instead of just letting you and SD's old drama dictate everything. DH and son seem like they avoid conflict at every turn of the bend and you and SD just have this passive aggressive thing going on. Things can change here but its going to take effort. Just because she's holding a grudge and wants to control everything doesn't mean you have to be that way too. If your son and grandson mean that much to you than just abide by their little quirky ways and show them you can play ball. If that's what it takes to see them, then do it and just bit the bullet. Take one for the team and go to counseling to deal with the feelings and emotions.

I'm new to this site as well and I'm sorry that you seem to be getting a lot of grief for your choice to remove a toxic SD from your home (yet still encourage a relationship between her and her dad outside the home). I'm realizing that this is like most forums where you have all kinds of experts to tell you what you did wrong and how you shouldn't have done that rather than trying to give some advice which is what you asked for. I thought this was a supposed to be somewhat of a supportive forum! I'll be thinking twice before I make a post! LOL!

Anyways, since you asked for advice on the matter I will agree with some of the others that as hard as it may be you need to reach out to this SD and apologize or at least try. She resents you and feels that the blame is all on you for not being in the home (which I also don't agree with...her dad made this choice as well). She is now in control which is what she has wanted since age 12 and she found the ultimate way to be in control. Do go visit at a hotel and be respectful of whatever SD wants with the baby. If she lets you hold the baby great...if not respect her decision and don't let her see any type of reaction to that. She wants a reaction...don't feed into that. Take the higher road!

I also think that counseling for you in this matter is a good idea. You are still very focused on what happened when she was 12 and it is well beyond that now. You have to let that go!

I do think it is weird that step siblings decided to get married and have a baby together. I have a 9yo son and 9yo SD. I can't even imagine them growing up and deciding to become lovers. I guess since they didn't technically live together as children it is slightly less weird but IMO she chose your son as her ultimate revenge.

I find it highly unusual that two people would join the same service and then wind up at the same installation at the same time. Something strange about that right there.

Second, if SD was allegedly "slutting" around, then there is a chance the baby may not even be your son's.

That may solve your problems, if it were the case.

Regardless of what the history behind all this is, one thing you have to understand is: You are not entitled to have a relationship with your grandchild. I'm really sorry about this but that is the truth. The more you push, the more they'll pull away. Some of the things that you have done that you probably don't even remember are deeply ingrained within your SD's mind, out of respect for her husband and father, she seems to be okay with you at least meeting the grandchild.

My advice: DO IT ALL ON HER TERMS NO MATTER HOW YOU FEEL AND BE THANKFUL YOU ARE AT LEAST GIVEN THAT OPPORTUNITY. Ask them if there's anything you can do to help and anything they would need you to be aware of if you are around each other, such as rules they'd like to implement for their child (no candy before dinner, etc.) so you don't accidentally do something against their wishes.

Trying anything like guilt tripping ("When am I going to be able to see her again?") is going to give rise to a feeling of revulsion from them rather than guilt.

I say this because both myself and my husband cannot stand his mother, for a list of things that she thinks are small and no big deal and that she, as a grandmother, has a right to do, but to us have breached our ability to have her around our child. She is now restricted to short, supervised visits, which will stop altogether if she can't stop acting like she's entitled to our child and allowed to override our parenting decisions.

If you ask my MIL, yeah, sure I'm the evil witch who seduced her son and had a child with him and now won't let her see her grandchild who she has a right to, when in reality, her OWN SON doesn't want her to see our daughter because he can't stand the way she acts (including using things like money or gifts or whatever to try and manipulate us which we now just return.) Everyone else thinks she's grandmother of the year because of how she boasts how much she takes care of and loves her granddaughter, and wouldn't understand why we decided to cut her off unless we pull out all the piles and piled of passive aggressive and manipulative stuff she's pulled.

I don't have anything to say about the situation with your grandchild but I am going to post a hijack post about step siblings.

My stepsister and her husband are step siblings.
Her Dad and his Mom are married.

They met when she and her hubby started dating in HS. They fell in love and were married. Two or three years later the kids were married. The kids never lived together as siblings, they were the ones who brought their parents together.
It works wonderfully for them. Family gatherings are actually easier.