More information required...... how old is the kid? how long have you been married? who moved in with whom?

give examples of her behavior.... how involved are BM?

and yes simply disengage from SD, let her father do the parenting, it's easy to teach him that... you want certain things to be done at home and it's not done, get onto DH to do it on behalf of his daughter...

I definitely sympathize with your situation. My stepdaughter is growing up to be the rudest brat on the planet. We have tried everything. Bribing, rewarding, nothing, fussing, grounding, spanking, writing.... you name it we have tried it. Unfortunately when the bio mom lets them get away with murder it makes our job 10x harder. I wish I could help.

"I dont want her to grow up like a little brat!" i will give you some words of advice you are really in need of. remember this, memorize it, lather rinse repeat. YOU CANNOT CARE MORE THAN THE PARENTS. do not allow yourself to do that. if you care more than the parents, you are fighting a losing battle as you really have no say over this child. if the mom and dad chose to not care about how she turns out, dont allow yourself to care. if you go to battle over a bratty attitude, you will end up losing every time and will only cause potentially marriage-ending hardship. every time you point out something his child needs to improve on will be taken as an attack on his character and his parenting.

do not allow yourself to care more than the parents. repeat "i cannot care more than her parents."

You have to come up with ways to disengage that YOU can handle. To say "disengage" is easy. To actually do it without driving yourself bonkers is quite another. My SD lived with us from ages 14-16. When she first moved in I was fully engaged. It didn't go well. DH would ALWAYS defend her and I was ALWAYS the bad guy. I couldn't just flip a switch and disengage.. just not in my personality. If I've got something to say, I'm going to say it, or if someone is ticking me off or being disrespectful I'm going to handle it. So here is what I did and it worked for me.. along with being able to come here and vent.

Her slob ass room and bathroom drove me bonkers. Our house is pretty new and I keep it clean, because I take pride in it. Her room was disgusting... dirty clothes everywhere, food, garbage, tampons, maxi pads.. you name it, it was strewn all over her floor. When I started disengaging, instead of bitching and crabbing to DH about the room, like I had been doing in the past, I just "handled" it myself. If her door was open? I shut it. If she left anything in her bathroom or any other area of the house, I threw it in the garbage... don't care what it was. If her laundry was in the washer and I needed to use it? I put it in a wet pile on top of the dryer, didn't care if it sat there for a week. I stopped interacting with her other than hi and bye basically. Being a teenager though she was not really in my face much.. when not at school or a friend's, she usually just stayed in her room, so it easy to not have to interact with her. Not sure how old your SD is?

What ended up happening was eventually DH got sick of her crap.. WITHOUT me having to tell him. So like I refused to clean the bathroom that ONLY she used. Again, it was hard at first, because I take pride in my house, but I did it... one day a friend of DH's stopped over and while there asked to used the bathroom.. DH went in to make sure there was toilet paper (another gross habit of SD's.. to go daysssss with no toilet paper in her bathroom) and DH was mortified that there was blood on the toilet seat, dirty underwear on the floor, makeup and crap spilled all over the vanity etc. He bitched at SD and made her clean it up. He got sick of her saying she couldn't find this, or couldn't find that (because I threw it out, because she left it out) and he'd bitch at her about that. He got sick of having to feed her, to pick up after her, to run her to BMs, or this friends or that friends all the time, because I refused to do it. Not going to be taxi driver, maid and chef for someone who disrespects me.

Again, I don't know what your situation is or how much you have your SD or how old she is etc? So maybe some of these things won't work.. but like pretty much everyone has said, you need to learn to disengage.... in a way that you can tolerate.

I'm not sure whether you have your own children or not, but you do understand that ALL children will be bratty at times.

In general, you should pick your battles and be selective about when you might step in.

1. She is not your child, she has two parents that should be parents.
2. If the bratty behavior is directed AT you, you absolutely have a right to tell the child that she can't speak to you that way or throw things at you etc...
3. If the behavior is towards her parents etc.. you should try to stay out of the middle of the situation.

Believe me when I tell you that you will not be able to make your SO, his EX or her grandparents "see the light" about her behavior.

Try to keep subjective words out of any criticism or input with your SO.

Do not say: Your girl is being bratty or a brat.
Say: Sally shouldn't be allowed to throw her toys at the wall.

Your goal is not to attempt to make the parent realize their child is horrible, but to help them understand how the child's behavior will negatively affect them in life.

Like. When Sally refuses to eat what we feed her and throws a fit at the table, it will be embarrassing for her later in life when she is eating as someone's guest. It is important for her to learn how to deal with being served food she may not like or have had before.

or

It will be hard for sally to make friends at school if she can't learn to share her toys. etc...

Every post above is spot on. We are doomed when we speak up about their precious, and they then blame us somehow. This has been a really hard thing for me to learn, but I am trying my damndest.

Example: last night I came home to SD13's dirty dishes, the toaster being left out, crumbs all over the counter, and dirty skillet on the stove. My first inclination is to clean it up and tell DH. Or to take pics and send to DH. BUT, I caught myself. All he sees/hears when I do those things is "you hate my kid, nothing she does is right in your eyes", and such other horseshit.

So I left it all where it was, cooked dinner around it, and cleaned up my stuff. So when DH and SD came home they both saw it, and I didn't have to say a word. DH looked at it, and SD immediately cleaned it up.

One day at a time.