Tired and Paying Mother for Children and now at my house all the time
I would like to know if I am unreasonable, any responses greatly appreciated. Been with husband 4 years. 2 years spent on court for him to go through divorce and custody. Paid attorney over 25,000 to advise signing physical custody to mother because he was traveling for work, but an arbitration was clause put in divorce/custody so that if work schedule changed and was assured by attorney/court that this was the case, otherwise never would have agreed, could go back and change custody back to joint physical and back to every other week for children. 3 months after agreement signed, his work changed, now working out of house and permanent contract for 10 years. Files in court immediately, and it took exactly 1 (ONE) year to get a hearing/trial/arbitration to get his kids back every other week. He goes to court, judge states there is no material change of circumstance (ie work schedule change, kids wanting to go back to every other week like it was since their seperation before divorce agreement) and threw a 2 day trial out the door in one hour. Increased her child support to an absurd amount. Immediately following trial, ex emails my husband saying if you want to take them more now, get them this weekend or that weekend (forgot to mention we have had his children the past 6 months more than 20 days per month due to her traveling work schedule of her new job, hahaha(which was why she had physical custody to begin with because of his travel work schedule) and paying her child support) and wants him to take the children.
So my point is this, when his children are with us they cost us an absurd amount of money. "What are we doing this weekend, Where are we going, What restaurants are we going out to eat at this weekend, I want this article of clothing etc, and on and on it goes", they raid the refrig and eat and eat and eat when they are here. My house is supporting this, paying the mother, and oh...I have three children that live with us full time. I cannot afford to pay their mother to take care of them and then them be at our house most of the time. I tried to explain this when he said he wanted to get his children all this extra time. That money is taking food out of my children's mouth etc and I love them, but I feel selfish for saying NO to them coming over, but reasonable for a variety of reasons. The mother holds the kids over his head like a pawn because she knows he wants to see them. Sorry for being so long, any similar experiences or thoughts anyone can share?
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I appreciate your input. NO
I appreciate your input. NO is certainly in my vocabulary and MY children know it very well. His children are entitled and he does nothing about it because of his own guilt. Again, thank you for your input, I agree with it, I do it now, and I'm the jerk as usual.
Sorry to say but that is
Sorry to say but that is exactly what started this rant and feeling of resentment, you hit the nail on the head. We were not suppose to get them until next Thursday (a week), I went grocery shopping. All of a sudden he wants to get them an extra 4 days this sat.-Tues...I certainly started planning more grocery trips with that in mind...and feeding 7 isn't cheap!
I appreciate your response. I
I appreciate your response. I would agree with you. However, that simply isn't the case. We just left court yesterday. The elected official, the judge, came up with legal jargon, saying there wasn't a material change in circumstance. So far from the truth, but one person sitting behind a desk on a bench can have so much power over the lives of individuals. Family court has lost my faith.
Indeed! Especially when you
Indeed! Especially when you budget for them to be at your house X amount of days, but end up at your house all the time. She wanted to have them, she is being paid to have them, why should they be over at our house more than half the time, NOT because I don't want to see them, but then all I see is that the mother doesn't really care about her children, only the money. She has gotten an order for money, gotten an order for "time" that she so desperately wanted, now just throwing the kids back, because she knows he wants them all the time. It's messed up, not to mention psychologically impeding on the children because they learn how to manipulate, his and mine.
I can't afford a therapist.
I can't afford a therapist. Why do you think I'm on STalk?!
Follow the court order for
Follow the court order for visitation 100percent. Sounds like your DH is paying the max based on the minimum overnights at your house, correct?
Find out some how, HOW the courts figured out his cs amount. Punch in number of over nights on the states calculator. What ever it takes find out how many overnights he is paying for. Then stick to it.
Visitation is designed for normal family life. Not to roll out the red carpet and dine at Moe's, TGI Fridays etc. Nor movies, put put, paintball.
Reel everyone back in. Just do it, don't ask, just do it.
NO is a complete sentence, no explanation needed. I learned that from Dr. Laura
Hang in there---
Thank you for your advice, I
Thank you for your advice, I agree with it, but how do you keep visitation as written with out sounding like a jerk because having them more financially doesn't make sense and affects the family at this house?
There are no numbers to plug in into state child support guidelines, they make more money "together" than the max amount allowed. The judge just came up with this number on his own. I'm not mad about the number so to speak, but trust me when I say that is is a number most people don't even make in a month to support themselves. She, her children are doing well. Sadly as a sentiment that I'm sure most share, the money is not spent directly on the children rather her new BMW or new house. But that wasn't a rant I wanted to have. My rant was that now that she has the money, she wants to send them over here all the time when that was her argument to have them and him not to. Money not the best interest of the children. Period.
We had a similar situation,
We had a similar situation, with BM giving more and more time with the skids as long as she kept getting the same CS, which was WAY over what she should have received in the first place. Having them 50/50 was always the end goal (because we wanted them here, not because of the money), so we took the skids at every opportunity. I documented every single day they were with us and why, and kept pushing for more regularly scheduled days. Eventually we were at 50/50 and I don't even think she realized it had happened. Once I had a full year of recorded 50/50 schedule we petitioned for change and now there is no CS, plus a split in health care coverage costs. Just bide your time, record everything, and strike when the timing is right. If you raise the issue now she will just take the kids away again- so take them, build a record, and return to court to officially modify the schedule wihen you have built up enough evidence.
Document document
Document document document!
This is a great site to use:
https://www.trackeverycoin.com/account/login/?next=/dashboard/
I would also work on having your husband say no. He is a classic Disney Dad but he's hurting them in the long run.
It's very easy Hon.... learn
It's very easy Hon....
learn to say NO, we are staying at home, NO you have enough cloths, NO NO NO NO NO
or ask your mother.
separate your finances, you keep your money and only pay for you, DH can spend his money how he likes after paying his share of the house hold expenses... and if he's broke so be it, you do fun things on your own.