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Setting the rules

libbie's picture

Submitted by libbie on Thu, 01/19/2017 - 7:41am

Hi everyone,
Can you please give me some advice on setting ground rules? Sd is moving in at the end of the month. She has always stayed at dh's parents or with her mom. Her coming to our home is new and I'm starting to get nervous. I want to approach dh and make sure we are on the same page for both sd and bs as they are about the same age. I thought about getting a poster and making a list of the rules so she will know them. I know she will mess up at first as she learns what is expected and what is not accepted. Any tips?

Comments

libbie's picture

Submitted by libbie on Thu, 01/19/2017 - 7:50am

I was going to have dh and I go over the rules with her and bs as a family. Is that a bad idea?

Monchichi's picture

Submitted by Monchichi on Thu, 01/19/2017 - 7:51am

Your DH can go over the rules with her as well as enforce them if he so chooses. You do nothing but sit like a mummy with immovable lips.

ESMOD's picture

Submitted by ESMOD on Thu, 01/19/2017 - 7:54am

Yes it is a bad idea because it is still likely to come across as YOU being the rule police.

Can you give us an idea of what kind of rules you feel need to be made/enforced? How old is your SD and has she had problems in the past?

ESMOD's picture

Submitted by ESMOD on Thu, 01/19/2017 - 8:49am

Homework "rules"? Like what? She does homework period. If she isn't doing her schoolwork. DAD needs to deal with her. There should be no need to have a rule about homework... it should be an expectation.

Chores? Her dad just needs to let her know what he expects her to do around the house. Like... her own laundry.. or making her bed every day. No need to do a poster board.

Phone? What kind of rules? not go over her data limit? not use it after a certain hour? Again, DAD can tell her what he wants.

You really need to be as minimally involved as possible.

I will guarantee if you put a posterboard of "rules" for her to follow she will follow not one single one of them and you will be at war.

libbie's picture

Submitted by libbie on Thu, 01/19/2017 - 8:55am

Like coming straight home from school and getting your homework done right away. I think I am just going to stay very far away from this like timbuktu far away. Dh can deal with whatever issues she has and I will repeat not my child not my child.

SM12's picture

Submitted by SM12 on Thu, 01/19/2017 - 7:54am

Talk to your DH about what rules you both agree on. Leave it up to DH to inform your SD of the rules.
If your DH has you back...you are good. If he doesn't, and caves to any and all of SD's demands, then you are wasting your time and breath.
There have been many couples on here who have discussed what "rules" or consequences the Skids will have only to have them thrown aside because
guilty daddy can't enforce them.

uofarkchick's picture

Submitted by uofarkchick on Thu, 01/19/2017 - 8:13am

Oh, I thought your screen name was familiar! Sorry, I haven't had my caffeine yet.

AshMar654's picture

Submitted by AshMar654 on Thu, 01/19/2017 - 7:55am

Hey I am going to experiencing the same thing soon with my SO and his son. We will all be moving in together I have no kids but there are things I do in my life that I like to keep.

My SO and I have discussed plenty of things over the last few months and we continue to talk about them. Right now his family buys what I like to call junk food and eats a ton of pasta yet they are skinny...I wish I could. I told him I do not buy that stuff and I really do not like a bunch of chips and bad snack foods in the house. We are figuring that out. We both work and his son is 8 plus there will be 2 cats and a dog (a big one) we both discussed who would take care of the animals I said I will do everything for the cats as they are mine. He said he will do stuff for the dog but start making his son like scoop poop and I said ok.

Basically do not put a list of house rules up right when she moves in, if my mom and stepdad did that when we all moved in I would have been pissed and just felt really unwelcome. I would sit down with your DH and both talk about your expectations and form a game plan for handling things. Try really hard to stick to that and work as a team for this new transition.

Maybe you all sit down as a family and talk. Tell her you want her to feel welcomed and ask her what some of her normal routines were before and than form a new plan from there. How old is she?

libbie's picture

Submitted by libbie on Thu, 01/19/2017 - 9:38am

I don't make bs ask for food. He inhales everything so if he eats 2 sandwiches before dinner it means I may have left overs for lunch. Bs and sd are both on the skinny side.

AshMar654's picture

Submitted by AshMar654 on Thu, 01/19/2017 - 8:05am

She is older and had been use to things a certain way and it may not all be bad the things she is use to doing. I would find out what her normal routine looks like and have your DH talk to her about things she has been allowed to do and not allowed to do with her BM and his parents. When you have all that information you and DH make a game plan for how you want things to run in your home but possibly let her keep some things. Let you DH take the lead and do the actual talking.

Remember this will be a transition for everyone involved. I think the biggest thing is to be open minded and keep the lines of communication open (I know sounds corny but it usually works).

Willow2010's picture

Submitted by Willow2010 on Thu, 01/19/2017 - 8:05am

DH and I set all of our kids down and went over the rules right before we all moved in together. Both of us since it was for both sets of kids. But first DH and I went over them. We also agreed that if any of those rules are broken, it is up to the bio parent to take care of it.

1) Keep all common areas clean and free of your junk.
2) No food in living room or bedrooms. (could see TV from dining area so this was not a big deal)
3) Rinse and load your own dishes.
4) No rough play with the animals.
5) Common areas are ruled by the adults and no games are allowed connected to the living room TV.
6) Each child will be responsible for deep cleaning the common areas, their room and bathroom, once a month.
7) Respect everyone personal space. (no going into each others rooms without permission.

Edit to add...we did not set rules for homework, curfews or things like that. That was left TOTALLY up to the bio parent so there was no reason to talk about it in the general house rules meeting.

twoviewpoints's picture

Submitted by twoviewpoints on Thu, 01/19/2017 - 8:06am

I would think she would have the same 'rules' a your BS? What are his 'rules' regarding chores, homework, phone ect. You should expect no more nor less than what the other child in same home and same age is expected of. Did DH and you both sit down and present 'rules' to BS?

libbie's picture

Submitted by libbie on Thu, 01/19/2017 - 8:56am

So I changed my mind. I will say nothing and do nothing and try to not let anything bother me. LOL You guys are correct in that the rules I have for bs dh needs to make his own for his dd and that needs to be between them.

DaizyDuke's picture

Submitted by DaizyDuke on Thu, 01/19/2017 - 9:05am

I disagree with everyone saying that you and DH set up the rules and then only DH addresses this with SD. So right off the bat, it would appear that you and DH and NOT a united front.

When SD moved in with us, this was a HUGE, EPIC mistake that we made. We did not discuss what the rules of our home were, we did not discuss what the expectations were for our home, and I let DH just "handle" her moving in.... which he did in a guilty daddy, just oh so happy that she wants to live here and I don't want to rock the boat manner. NOT GOOD! From day 1, SD walked all over him and then trying to correct that was a nightmare.

My SD was 14 when she moved in though, so maybe your SD is a bit younger? I don't know.. but I really think that you and DH need to present yourselves to her as a team... sure afterwards? DH can be the "enforcer" of the rules, but when setting the rules and expectations up? I think it needs to be both of you.

DaizyDuke's picture

Submitted by DaizyDuke on Thu, 01/19/2017 - 9:33am

Oh dear! Well I guess it all depends on how different things will be at your home than they have been for her at BMs That was a lot of our problem. SD ruled the roost at BMs.. she did as she pleased, everyone in the house were filthy slobs, so no worries about neatness or respect for your things and BM blew money (that she didn't have) like it was water, they all lied, and manipulated as well. So naturally at 14, SD moved in with us, thinking her life would be status quo (just a change in location) but oh hell to the no. Our house is clean, we don't leave food in bedrooms, and a 6 foot pile of dirty clothes in our room, and blood on toilet seats and spilled makeup on counters and we don't run out and buy something simply because we WANT it at that moment and we don't lie and manipulate others into getting what we want.

She lasted 3 months with us the first time, then her and DH got into over something stupid (she wanted him to make a special trip to the store to buy her a binder for school and got pissy when he said no... yes THAT stupid) and she ran back to BMs. DH told her to get her ass home, she refused, so he packed up every piece of her shit and dropped it off at BMs. SD was back about 8 months later and this time lasted about a year... during which time she about busted up our marriage, and our life was hell. Thankfully, DH's Aunt offered to take her and we got our peaceful home and life back.

But hopefully your SD hasn't been molded into a sociopath by BM like mine was. Sad

libbie's picture

Submitted by libbie on Thu, 01/19/2017 - 9:42am

Her stepdad seems like a no nonesense kinda guy but that is all I know. Her selfies always have a clean background.

libbie's picture

Submitted by libbie on Thu, 01/19/2017 - 9:44am

of course she had rules at her moms and she stayed with dh at his parents so not to many rules there. I wanted to make sure her rules were going to be about the same as bs but I rethought that and now I am staying out of it and dh can do what he wants.

ESMOD's picture

Submitted by ESMOD on Thu, 01/19/2017 - 9:51am

It's not necessarily that you have to 100% sit back and let her wreck the house per se.

With my SD's if they made a mess in a common area, I would ask them to clean it up. If they hadn't made their beds in the AM, I would remind them.. or their dad would. I didn't feel like I couldn't say anything.. but I also didn't make it a huge production of telling them what the RULES were in the house. Basically the rules were to be a good citizen in the household. They knew right from wrong.. and they would do things if either of us asked....

What you don't want to happen is that you go to war with her about stuff while dad tries to minimize things.

Also, beyond the making of the bed and not allowing biohazards in the bedroom, we didn't really get on them too much if they were a little messy in their room. Their space.. and I could close a door. Common areas were another thing.

So_Annoyed's picture

Submitted by So_Annoyed on Thu, 01/19/2017 - 9:51am

When SD14 moved in with SO and I, she had just turned 9. SO had no experience parenting, BM had done everything up until then while he worked. It has been LOTS of trial and error, and he has a huge chip on his shoulder about how he knows how to parent (he really doesn't have a clue most days).

We talked about rules, and still do, and agreed on most of them (I'm stricter than he is). So when SD moved in with us, we all sat down and SO stated exactly what would and would not be allowed now that she was here with us FT. She was younger then, and more agreeable. At 14, she is just a moody teen now and hard to deal with. SO still makes her rules, although he lets her break them occasionally and it really causes problems for all. He does state that these the rules HE made, I have nothing to do with them. I don't think SD believes him.

All you can do is let your DH set the rules and hope he enforces them. As she gets older she will most likely test the boundaries. Have fun Sad

Edited to add - when something comes up that effects me, like she isn't doing a chore and it's imposing on me, I go to SO and ask him to please see that it gets done. I do not ask her anymore, as it causes too much friction.

Tuff Noogies's picture

Submitted by Tuff Noogies on Thu, 01/19/2017 - 10:54am

we had a few "house rules" that all of us contributed to, we made it a fun thing for a while on a saturday afternoon. actually kaos came up with over half the list. i typed it up and we kept it on the kitchen wall, but it really boiled down to two basic principals - "take care of our home" and "take care of our family (self included)". rules such as dont put your shoes on the couch, pick up yo' $#!t, no food in the bedroom, and turn the d@mn light off when you leave a room all fell under the first, and things like basic hygiene, no hitting, do your homework, etc fell under the second one.