Bm and her ex dh going on 8th grade trip

This is happening to my best friend. Her dh got selected to be a parent chaperone for his sons 8th grade trip. He will be supervising his son and 3 other boys on the trip and will sleep on the same hotel room floor. It's 4 days. I guess they needed chaperones who are the same sex of the child on the trip and then parents are also welcome to attend and hang out with their child if they want to. Her dhs bm decided she was going to go and my friend found out last night when bm texted her dh to ask a question about the trip. He asked her why she wanted to know and my friend said he turned white and gave her the phone. Bm broke up with her dh over nothing and she always suspected he still loved her. She is crying her eyes out today and I feel so bad for her.

libbie's blog
Log in or register to post comments

Comments

I could understand her being

I could understand her being a murderous rage. But crying her eyes out? Is she afraid her husband is going to do something with his ex wife?

She rarely cries. She is so

She rarely cries. She is so mad she can't help it. She is worried that they will play happy family and her dh will wish they were. She isn't worried he will cheat.

Playing husband to someone

Playing husband to someone other than your wife is emotional cheating.

I agree. Her husband is a

I agree. Her husband is a gentleman in every way. If I eat out with them without dh he will insist on paying for me because he was raised men take care of women. :jawdrop: He opens doors and is attentive and never rude except when he is cutting up. She is afraid bm will remember how great he is or that she will mess with his mind. She is even more worried that he will be open to her messing with his mind. She always says she is the luckiest girl on earth to have him and I hate to see her like this.

I think communication between

I think communication between her and her husband is really key in this. What does he say? I won't pretend that it's easy to not be insecure about this, because it would freak anyone out. At a certain point, the trust you've built up in a marriage has to take over in cases where only that would get you through.

When you say he's a gentleman though, it sounds like he also caters to BM--is that why your friend hates the BM so much?

She said he was unusually

She said he was unusually quiet last night and went to bed early. He caters to my friend but also uses his manners with others. I don't know how to describe it right. Bm is usually a non issue with them as she keeps to herself till now.

Then I'm not sure where the

Then I'm not sure where the hatred and anger is coming from against BM? If she doesn't bother them usually?

The anger and hate is because

The anger and hate is because bm is going on the trip and she is afraid bm is going to mess with her dhs head or that her dh will miss being a family with her. I get it.

I think I understand. Her

I think I understand. Her husband is a nice guy and I bet he has a problem saying no. So if BM asks if she can sit with him at dinner, he probably wouldn't tell her it wasn't a good idea. He'd probably even pay for her.
I think she is right to be concerned. If he is very non confrontational, it's possible that he would let his ex cross boundaries rather than tell her that she was being inappropriate. I doubt he's the type that would ever intentionally do anything to hurt his wife but if his ex is a manipulative cow, it's possible that she would try to guilt him in to doing things that would look bad (like paying for his ex's meals or not telling her to go away when she showed up at his hotel room).

Then her DH needs to grow a

Then her DH needs to grow a spine and start setting boundaries. "Unintentionally" hurting his wife is still hurting her, and he needs to decide what's more important,and it should be that he should shut BM down cordially every time she tries something. Every time.

Yes except I think he would

Yes except I think he would tell her to go away from his hotel room. If they both eat with their son then she thinks he will be paying for her meals and I think he will to. I can't imagine him not since that is how he is and it is in front of their kid.

...then talk to him about

...then talk to him about what actions are acceptable and what aren't? In a non-confrontational way, of course. Can't get mad about something that possibly might happen and not do anything to prevent it--that's setting up a trap for the DH to fail.

Hopefully she will do that

Hopefully she will do that but I don't think it will work. She wants bm to stay the F away from him and not go on the trip and he can't control that.

They are going to spend 4

They are going to spend 4 days together with their child. They are both going to be with him since dh is the chaperone and she is a attending. I don't think they will sit together on the bus ride so that takes part of 2 days, 1 there and 1 back. They split into groups, him and his 4 kids he is watching and they go ride rides. It will be her bm and her dh and 4 kids. They will interact or it will be weird wouldn't it?

No. The 3 kids and chaperone

No. The 3 kids and chaperone MUST stay together at all times. If one doesn't want to ride then no one can or they have to stand in line and then wait at the exist. I was thinking that to and I don't know about the bus. You can say what you want but I think her dh and bm will have plenty of time to talk and will be standing around each other nonstop for 4 days.

4 kids total.

The "some BM's can not manage

The "some BM's can not manage that. and some DH's can not either." is the part that worries me. In my scenario, I'm not so scared that my DH would do something with BM, but that he and her will get into a screaming shouting match and ruin the trip for all the kids.

I'd be annoyed that BM tried this, but in the grand scheme of things, if your friend trusts her DH (although from the sounds of it--she still thinks he might be in love with BM, there has to be some signs because unless she's insane, there's no reason to suspect it) I'd let the DH decide what to do.

Personally, I would require that he treat this situation as if he were in her shoes--what would he want her to do if the positions were flipped, and if that's the case, then follow it. Me and DH operate on this routine a lot and it works for us.

It's entirely possible that they won't even talk to each other. Is the BM remarried or has a boyfriend? DH's mom and dad divorced when he was 4--they barely spoke ten words to eachother the remainder of FIL's life, even though they were around for big events.

She thinks bm may be single.

She thinks bm may be single. The kids said her long time boyfriend moved out for work but still comes around so she doesn't know for sure.

tell your friend not to

tell your friend not to worry, her DH showed her how he feels about this....

maybe her stupid BM will now get it her ex is not into her anymore.....

She said her dh turned white

She said her dh turned white so she thinks he had just found out plus he just handed her his phone and waited for her to read the text. She is crying because she hates bm so much the anger is spilling out her eyes and she thinks dh still wishes his first family were intact. Bm decided one day to up and leave him over nothing and it took him years to get over her. She is worried he will wish they were still a family.

If she's that worried that he

If she's that worried that he is going to want his old family back, then there are bigger problems than a shared field trip. I feel so bad for her. That's just a crappy situation any way you look at it.

libbie - tell your friend

libbie - tell your friend she's stupid in a nice way....

If DH had any idea of getting back with BM, he never would've shown her the text.....she's over thinking everything and she's going to cause trouble herself.... she should simply relax, her DH is open and truthful about it... he could've hide it

That has been my main comfort

That has been my main comfort point but she counters with she trusts dh it's bm she doesn't trust.

I say that's a good sign he

I say that's a good sign he showed her on his own. It sounds like he cares deeply about your friend. I would say that everyone judges him after the trip. If all of a sudden he becomes a lovesick puppy, catering to BM's every whim, being on the phone all buddy buddy, then I would say there is a huge problem.

If he still loves her, no amount of time would prevent what is inevitably going to happen, that he'd jump at the first opportunity.

The wish to be a family is the wish for the IDEA of a family, not that he necessarily still loves the BM. You can wish things worked out, and still have no feelings for that person since it's a hypothetical. Many of us probably have wishes that things turned out differently with different people in our lives but it doesn't mean we still harbor feelings for them.

I copied and pasted what you

I copied and pasted what you said to my friend and I think that is what she needed to hear.

"Bm broke up with her dh over

"Bm broke up with her dh over nothing and she always suspected he still loved her. She is crying her eyes out today and I feel so bad for her."

Why in the world world would she marry a man she thinks is still in love with another woman? Where is her self respect and self worth?

BM sounds like the devil.

I think there is a piece of

I think there is a piece of her that believes that. I don't think it's true but she said it this morning when she was upset. Her husband treats her like a queen and she is so in love with him I think she is just scared. In the 20 plus years I have known her and the 5 years they have been married I have never seen this side of her. Hormones maybe?

I am immature when it comes

I am immature when it comes to this. No way in hell do I want DH playing family with BM, in any capacity. I give no shits about school programs, activities, anything. You want to play family, stay a family. Otherwise, keep it separate and aloof as possible. The idea of them spending any type of family time, fawning over their kids together, makes me feel like vomiting. I don't want hatred or a friendship between BM and DH, just pure indifference.

It's not like she can tell

It's not like she can tell him he can't go. He and his son are very excited about this trip.

I hear ya, AJ. I'd feel the

I hear ya, AJ. I'd feel the same way.

What would you do though? I

What would you do though? I am trying to put myself in her shoes and I can't decide what I would do. Do you tell dh he can't go?

I have no experience with a

I have no experience with a healthy relationship. The only men I've ever dated have been utter a-holes. That is why I've been single since my divorce.

Honesty at its best. Let your

Honesty at its best. Let your friends set you up.

Thanks, hon. It took a long

Thanks, hon. It took a long time for me to admit that I was picking the same type of man over and over again. I overcame my codependency but I still don't 100% trust myself to make a decent selection. I'd be down with an arranged marriage.

HA!

I've always said that if you

I've always said that if you keep doing what you have always done...you will end up with what you always got.

That's how I ended up with my DH (14 years together now). I let the parents of a friend of mine set me up. I just kept picking the wrong guys. What I took for confidence was in reality insecurity covered by bluster. What I thought was hard working turned out to be a front as well. It seemed that even though I thought I was picking the right guy..they had fatal flaws... all of them!

So, when I was set up with my DH, I actually didn't really think he was my type. I thought he was a pushover. I thought he was too nice. He didn't look like a guy I would have chosen for myself. In the end, his push-over and niceness was him wanting to please me and he is still that way. No, I don't allllways get my way, but generally, he is thoughtful and does whatever he can to make me happy. I figured, all my choices were crap so I gave him a shot and it has been a great choice for me.

Personally, I'd say he could

Personally, I'd say he could go, but if anything happens that gives me even a whiff of playing happy family, I'm out of the marriage faster than a jackrabbit on fire so he'd better tread carefully. If he pays for her, "hangs out" with her, talks to her more than what is absolutely necessary etc. He should not give me any reason to suspect him because the end result would not be good for him.

If he says he can't control what BM does, then I would counter that while it's true, he can control his responses. If he passively sits by because "he can't control her" and let BM disrespect our marriage, then there will be no marriage to speak of.

I gave my DH this very condition when we were dating that if he allows her to disrespect me by her actions or her words, I'm out. I don't have the time nor the energy and dignity is worth more than a relationship ever will. The first time BM tried to talk about me to DH, his exact words were, "I never want to hear not2sure's name come out of your mouth ever again." She never tried again because she realized he was serious.

That's what needs to happen. Your friend's BM is brave enough to do this so I'm guessing the DH is pretty passive.

That being said.. people

That being said.. people can't control their EX's actions. He can say "don't bring her into it"... but she still could.

My DH's EX would bring me up on occasion and DH would shut her down...but it didn't stop her. We just had minimal contact with her because she was so high conflict/crazy.

And that's when he walks away

And that's when he walks away or shuts down the conversation.

This stuff annoyed me in the

This stuff annoyed me in the beginning but only because BM was trying to convince DH they needed to have private family time together so SS would have memories of them together. I asked DH why they broke up if they should make family memories together? Why were they both seeing other people and BM engaged? You either are a family and you make memories or you're not and you make different memories.

OP how does your friend's DH usually interact with BM when they are stuck together? Is BM the forward type? BM over here begged for a ride to SS5then1's first year Dr's visit, my DH also being a nice guy offered to pick her and SS up; she spent most of the drive talking about how she knows how much he misses her "curves" and big boobs. At the time I was 135 and as a larger female, she's always had bigger boobs than me. I laughed when he told me but I was also annoyed she couldn't make up her damn mind on whether she wanted him or her fiancé.

At school functions my DH doesn't acknowledge BM. She doesn't register to him. I made a comment about her after the Thanskgiving party and DH couldn't recall what she looked like or was wearing. If you were to be in the room with all of us you would never think he had a kid with her. He's there for SS, he goes to play with him in his centers or group activities. They don't talk to each other even when they are sitting down eating together; they just talk to SS and he talks to both back and forth. It's not hard and with your friend's DH being in charge of other children he can always talk to them when his son is talking to his mom. Like I related above, I understand why she's upset, but my advice is that she make herself stop getting so worked up about it. If BM does screw with her DH mentally or otherwise then her marriage had more problems in it than BM and it's best to find out how he will deal with this sooner than later.

It's a school trip. The DH

It's a school trip.

The DH applied to be a chaperone, was selected, and accepted. Backing out now would cause problems for the organisers of the trip. He committed and should go.

BM has decided that she is going to go even though she is not a chaperone. I don't see her being able to get on the bus, or being able to join in group activities. (At least here she couldn't). Many times group breakfasts are not in the main dining room, and are in a separate room just for the group. She couldn't join them as she's not part of the group. If they are going to some type of show while they are there they will have a block of tickets and BM will not be able to sit with them.

Showing up at his room requires she know the room number. Front desk shouldn't be giving it out. And usually adult chaperones of the same sex share a room. I doubt he'd ask the other chaperone to leave so the ex can come in.

...I guess...then parents are also welcome to attend and hang out with their child if they want to...

I do question the 'welcome'. Schools can't stop parents from showing up at public places, but they don't put out the welcome mat usually. In many cases the non chaperone parents end up causing problems as they think this is a trip for them and their child and not a school trip. The DH needs to needs to ask whoever is in charge what the rules are for non chaperone parents. If the parents are 'welcome' another boy in his group might have a parent show up too. He needs to know the policy on non chaperone parents.(If he's lucky whoever is in charge will tell BM the rules.)

exH and I have been on

exH and I have been on several trips together for one of our sons who is an elite athlete. we have eaten at the same parents table and stayed in the same vicinity. Did I enjoy his company, no. Did I hang out with him, no. He was just there, any talk was about our son. We were both there to support him. We have been divorced over 12 years.

There was zero physical attraction (on my part), no talking about the good old days, no emotion in the whole trip whatsoever. It was just the business of supporting our son. They share a kid so they're going to have to be in the same space in the future. Your friend is just going to have to trust her DH. If he did decide to go back to BM then good riddance. Why would anyone want to hold onto someone who wants someone else?

You are here

Bm and her ex dh going on 8th grade trip

Comments