I mesed up
dh called about 9:45 last night to talk. UGH! I was so frustrated and mad that I was shaking. I really laid into him. We had a gigantic fight because he said his son asked him to do the pictures and he sees nothing wrong with it. I asked about lunch and he said that is where there table was and bm sat down. He said he refuses to play childish games and ignore step sons mom. I told him I saw the pics of them talking at Dave and Busters and he said he talked to many people and she was one of them. I asked him how he would feel if I decided to spend the rest of the week with my ex lover Brian. (We were hot and heavy for years and we broke up right before I met dh) Dh told me he is not going to do this again and i am free to see who ever I want. Then he hung up on me. What do you think that means. I think I pushed him to far and now he is mad at me now.
- Laney's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
I'll join you in the
I'll join you in the minority.
That's why we said cut off
That's why we said cut off communication with him otherwise you'll look like the crazy one. He doesn't care about how you feel--that's the bottom line. There's no ifs, ands, or buts on this. He doesn't care.
He says you're free to see whoever you want because he doesn't expect you to actually go through with it. Quite honestly, if I were you, I'd be looking for a new husband. How anyone can stay with people who don't care to keep their promises is beyond me. Ignore means ignore. It should have been meant to make his spouse not feel insecure, yet he's doing the exact opposite.
I'd consider it. Not for this
I'd consider it. Not for this one thing particularly but for the principle of being with someone who won't keep to their word. This actually matters a LOT to me because when we first got married, DH had an issue of keeping his word too. It's something that occasionally still pops up but I let slide because it's few and far in between (like when he promises if we go to MIL's, he won't be on his phone, but maybe every 4th visit, he would.) Not without talking it to death later though. He learned it was an issue of respect--when someone is counting on them to keep their word.
Why would I be with someone who I can't trust to do what they say they would do? He credits the fact that his parents weren't great in nurturing the personal responsibility aspect of his life, so for him it's new but he's managed to become very proficient at it.
But back to your question, if this is a one off thing, then no, I wouldn't divorce over it, but you bet we'd be going to a therapist about it if we can't resolve it on our own. If this is a recurring theme in the marriage, then hell yeah. More for my own sanity because what he's doing is a GREAT way to turn me into a neurotic stalker, which is the last thing I would want to be.
Also it's a terrible role model for my kids. Why should my kids keep their promises if they see their parent not?
Marriage to me is about respect, it's about healing insecurities, growing with the other person to become better than I was before, not getting worse. If it causes more wounds than it heals, it's not worth it.
What is that supposed to
What is that supposed to mean? People were tired of my drama so I haven't posted anymore.
what does DUCK stand for?
what does DUCK stand for?
No, you are in a tough
No, you are in a tough situation and you feel insecure.
That isn't just YOUR fault. If you are having this much insecurity he isn't doing his job as your significant other in making sure that you know that you are valued.
Some men have a hard time seeing it but really that is what is at the heart of this matter. If you KNEW that DH valued you, your presence in his life and what you bring to the relationship then you wouldn't be feeling the way that you are.
Let him be mad. This is a two way street. He wants you to act rationally when he hasn't given you the assurance that you need to feel comfortable with the situation. That is irrational in and of itself.
I'm actually amazed he
I'm actually amazed he originally SAID he would ignore her and now has done a 180 and SAID he WON'T ignore her. That's just going back on his word.
I'm going to go a step further and ask, Laney, how many times has your husband gone back on something he said he was going to do in regards to BM and the stepkid? Quite honestly, I think the answer to this question will tell us all we need to know why OP has insecurities about the whole thing. How can she truly trust what her DH says about how he feels about the BM if he says one thing and does another?
Personally, if you can talk
Personally, if you can talk about the "what if" calmly, then no, it's not a low blow--it's attempting to let the other person put on your shoes for a second and understand how you feel. Shouldn't be done in the heat of the moment.
DH and I have had DISCUSSIONS (not arguments) on this, where we create scenarios for the other person to put themselves in so we can come to a common understanding. Not good during a fight but good if both people want to improve on a relationship.
That's all great, in
That's all great, in theory.
A long time ago, I had an ex who wasn't comfortable with me going out with male friends 1 on 1. Fair enough... we talked about it - he was ok if it was in a group. We had different interests, and it just so happened that my friends with similar interests were mostly male.
I was respectful of that, and did not go out 1 on 1 with male friends. He claimed it's not that he didn't trust me, it's that he didn't trust them. As if a friend of 10+ years would suddenly turn and rape me or something... whatever, he felt that way, I accommodated. The rare instances where I ended up being along with a male friend (for instance, giving me a ride home after a game of golf with another 2 people, and I was dropped off last because I was closest to his place) wasn't an issue.
I understand now that he had some insecurities, and tried passing it off as a concern the other dude would put the moves on me. He felt threatened. I understand now what that means.
With the next ex, I asked him straight out if he would have a problem with me going out with male friends occasionally - he said no, not at all. That in turn, he'd make friends with the next stripper, and go out for dinner with her every time I went out with a male friend... said that what I was asking for, is the ability to date outside the relationship.
I disagreed, because to me, coffee with a friend I went to high school with, had known for now 15+ years, and saw maybe 3 times a year, to catch up, was on a whole other level than a late night dinner for 2 with a stripper you just met. He was of the stance that as is was a date, what was good for the goose was good for the gander. We had a huge blowout about our difference of opinion on the matter, that led to the severance of ties between us.
He was cocky - felt he was god's gift to women, and honestly between the two of us, I was the better catch. I'm not saying that to raise myself above him, but rather, he knew that I was the better catch, and he tried to balance the scales by comparing apples and oranges. Of course, I was the psycho one, who didn't want to commit to a monogamous relationship... coffee with a long time friend... dinner with a just met stripper... right, totally the same. He was a failure of a man, and he tried to put the blame on me for his shortcomings. I saw that much later than I should have, and wasted too much time on his babybrain.
Years later, currently, I trust my SO to be 1 on 1 with another female, and he trusts me to be 1 on 1 with another male - but there's the matter of respect, as well. Coffee in the middle of the afternoon for half an hour is not the same as a couple hours at a house with drinks and just us... neither of us would do that... but both of us are comfortable saying "Hey I ran into so and so, gonna grab a cup of coffee at Coffee Place and catch up...let me know if you want to meet us!"
On that note, it hasn't actually happened yet - we've always both gone. No big deal.
There's trust, respect, and above all, consideration. I recently went to a dance recital for my daughter. SO didn't care to go, so he stayed home. My ex was there - we did not sit together, but we did socialize a little, since our parents are friends. It was casual, friendly, not uncomfortable... but I am lucky in that regard. I told SO all about it, there were no issues. Then again, ex-h doesn't bomb my phone with text messages and phone calls about all kinds of stupid crap, either, doesn't step on SO's toes, doesn't cause issues... and ex-h is comfortable with the fact that SO is in my kids lives, he doesn't feel threatened by SO.
I believe that's the basis of feeling threatened... is that deep down, you're worried you're not good enough... and if you're already worried about that, every little thing that happens just furthers along the mindfu*k you're giving yourself, and blows everything else out of proportion. If you feel you're not good enough, you're always going to feel insecure about something... and likely guilty about it, too... if you think your man is going to get with another woman, why would he? are you doing/not doing something? Maybe not... maybe he's just a prick... but realistically... a good hard look at your life might give you answers. It could be as simple as he doesn't feel like you're into him. Men are funny about that kind of stuff, they need their ego stroked a lot more than we think.
We're both also okay with
We're both also okay with going out 1 on 1 with opposite gendered friends in a public place for like lunch or something. Never at night or where alcohol was involved. We've both done that without issue. The only restriction is if it's an ex. Then we both go.
I'm not saying what works for us works for everyone (as far as our specific own "rules" go) but each partner should be on the same page as the other as far as their mutual agreement, and if you can't be or can't find a compromise, then you probably shouldn't be in a relationship.
Working on your own insecurities is part of it, but having our partners help us heal these deep seated wounds (that you may not even realize are there) is also a big part of growing with another person in a relationship.
I don't tend to hang out with
I don't tend to hang out with exes, so we're cool there. He had an ex of 8 years he was still friends with - when we first started dating, he'd told her about me... she was happy for him... he told me a little about her and told me I'd like her.. I asked him what made him think I had any interest in hanging out with a woman he spent 8 years sleeping with... and if he wanted, I could arrange to hang out with an ex of several years of mine... his face fell... he only spoke to her once since, she wished him a happy birthday, and he didn't respond to anything after the initial thank you.
Everyone has insecurities... but they're created from the past, not from the present... and you're right, sometimes we don't even realize we have them.
I have busy days at work sometimes, and don't text with SO as much... a few times, if he'd sent me a text and I didn't get back to him within half an hour, he'd have sent a 2nd one asking if I was mad at him... after a few times, I asked him why he seemed to think I was mad if I didn't respond right away... he didn't know... after a while, he told me that everything he'd do annoyed one of his exes, and she'd give him the silent treatment all the time... he was always left in limbo with respect to her feelings towards him... then BM was the same way... so after years of never knowing where he stood with the woman he was with, I told him that no, I'm just busy... and that if I'm mad at him, I'll just tell him I'm mad and I'll talk to him when I'm ready to...
Now he can send me a text at 8, and if I don't respond by 10 he'll send me another one saying something like "you seem busy today.. I hope you're having a nice day anyway! xo" usually then I feel a little bad and I take a few minutes to call him and just chat. He needs that "reassurance", and it takes nothing from me to give him a quick 2 minute call asking him how his day is and to tell him I love him.
Oh man, do guys just NOT
Oh man, do guys just NOT think when they open their mouths? I cringed for your SO the moment I read he asked that and your response would have been mine exactly. But yes, you guys have a mutual understanding of what is and what isn't acceptable. It looks like OP's DH says one thing when he really means another.
That's why I find what her DH is doing the complete opposite of helping alleviate insecurities. If anything, he's creating more of them.
I agree - and it almost seems
I agree - and it almost seems that by doing the opposite of alleviating her insecurities and instead compounding hers, might mean he has some of his own that are being brought out to the surface, without him realizing it?
Perhaps an insecurity of his is that he feels he's not trustworthy? Maybe he feels like a failure because his previous relatinoship didn't work out? Maybe by OP having insecurities, it's bringing them out in him, sending him down that self-destruction path of making up scenarios in his own head...
like... OP doesn't trust me... what did I do? Wait, I didn't do anything, she's nuts.. or is she? Maybe I'm being an ass... wait, I'm not, she is... then why do i feel like crap... oh and now she said she wants to go hang out with her ex? Why? am I not good enough? Screw her!
*insert failed marriage here*
It can really become a giant clusterfu&k if there is no inward reflection.
I think his inner dialogue is
I think his inner dialogue is probably more along the lines of.
Give me a break.. all I wanted to do was go on this trip to chaperone for my son. I don't care if my EX is there or not. I have NO interest in being with her ever again. But, yeah, she is my kid's mom, so I will have to deal with her some.. I'm not an idiot, I realize I will have to.. but my new wife, who I really love, is giving me all this insecure crap. She is giving me a hard time like I would even stoop to getting back with my EX. Why can't she see I'm just doing this for my kid.. I want to enjoy stuff like this with him and if that means being in my Ex's presence sometimes, well, that's just a sacrifice I have to make. Why is she making a big deal of all of this. She should know that I have no interest in my EX.. I am not going out of my way to speak or be with her.. but I can't avoid her completely and I am not going to look like a jerk to everyone by being rude. I'm not choosing my Ex over her at all.. I'm just trying to be a good dad to my son.
I think the posting pictures
I think the posting pictures thing went a step too far.
That may be his inner dialogue...but that doesn't make what he's doing correct. Sometimes, when you divorce, you have to give up certain things. The burden should not fall completely on your new spouse to accommodate the blended situation. That's not fair or right.
He didn't post the
He didn't post the pictures... his EX did. That is something that he 1. had no control over and 2. perhaps didn't even know had happened.
So.. his inner dialogue after Laney tears him a new one is .. damn it... just trying to enjoy this trip.. I can't control the world...get off my case!
Sure he has some control over
Sure he has some control over it. He can ask her not to post those or to take them down.
I don't buy this "all an innocent bystander" thing.
The bottom line is, they made an agreement and he broke it. It's clear from all of his responses that he doesn't care what his wife thinks or feels about any of this. That would be a problem for me.
Personally, I think Laney should have gone and taken their 2-year-old if she could.
You could be right... nobody
You could be right... nobody knows what's on his mind other than him.
From the information provided here... OP was insecure about it... DH said there was nothing to worry about... OP saw some pictures, it ramped up her insecurities... and she gave the DH a boatload of crap instead of just telling him how her perceptions made her feel. Instead of reassuring her, he went on the defensive, which resulted in him attacking back...her attacking once more... and an abrupt end to the conversation, leaving everyone with a sour taste in their mouths.
Not a good way to communicate, regardless of who's perception you go with.
I wasn't intending to imply
I wasn't intending to imply anything or offend anyone - that is just what he used when he said it to me, and I believe he only used it because most strippers (in this area) are fairly open to being paid for additional services - his purpose was to imply that he'd do just that, since "dating" someone implies there is a possibility of intimacy. He was trying to make me think he'd pay the stripper to "finish the date", so to speak, since I was also "dating" by having coffee.
I was trying to say that the long term friend-relationship I had with someone, wasn't on the same level as with someone he'd just met. One has an established dynamic, boundaries are already there... no toe stepping, etc... whereas the other has none. It could have been a coworker, someone he'd just met at the grocery store, whatever... but he used stripper, and he used it specifically for the purpose I stated above.
It went the other way, too - he had female friends he'd been friends with for years, and I wouldn't have had a problem with them going for a meal or something if they came to town for a visit. He didn't consider that dating, yet considered it dating if I wanted to do it. It was a one way thing.
Totally agree with you. I had
Totally agree with you.
I had the intention of my example coming across as though this male friend in particular was NO threat, in any way shape or form. Had he been someone who suddenly declared some unforeseen passion for me, I'd have dropped him like a hot potato, out of respect, but that wasn't the case. He KNEW this friend, had ALSO known him for years, and had seen us hang out countless times before, before we got together. We had mutual friends, he knew our long-term family-like relationship, was always pleasant with him... but all of a sudden, once we were together, I was required to drop this friendship. Um, no.
He was a jealous jerk.
lol, there are no high class
lol, there are no high class clubs here. They're all ghetto clubs.
Your typical stripper in the clubs here are not very athletic... they jump up and twirl around a few times.. none can actually pole dance... most have ravaged bodies from the drugs etc... and most accept cash payments to have some private time in the alley or your car where you get what you pay for with a bonus std
Hos in Heels or Whores on Wheels should be the name of most places in my area.
I have no issues with
I have no issues with strippers in general, just to make it clear.
I just had an issue with him equating taking a stripper he just met out for a late night dinner as being the same level as going out for an afternoon coffee with a long term friend. Date is a date right? Wrong.
If he'd been going for an afternoon coffee with his long-term friend who happened to be a stripper, there wouldn't have been any issue.
for sure. I agree with that.
for sure. I agree with that.
In my city there is a class
In my city there is a class action suit going on between a group of strippers and a chain of clubs. The women work on a contract basis and have to pay for the time they work at the club - so they are essentially working for tips - which they have to split with the bartenders and bouncers!
A long time ago I used to work in a lingerie store. It was in a mall and we had lots of different kinds of customers, including strippers. We would often help the new girls by showing them what kinds of g-strings were "legal." They were all very nice - the only thing I didn't like was they would often pay in cash, mostly ones. I admit I did wash my hands after handling the money.
Haha! Well, you should wash
Haha! Well, you should wash your hands after handling money from anybody, no matter who it is, money is nasty.
I did wash my hands quite a
I did wash my hands quite a bit while working there, Women were not suppose to take their underwear off when trying on panties and swimsuits, but I know they did. Hands washed after putting items back on hangars.
I have to say it was one of the funnest jobs I ever had, and the discounts were great.
Oops, you got to it before I
Oops, you got to it before I did.
I honestly think it's less about BM than it is that her DH is a dick. Okay, so you guys agreed on a strategy to deal with BM in a way that would be acceptable to both of them before the trip and once he's there, he goes against his word?
Alrighty.
That's why I said her DH is
That's why I said her DH is dumb. Like you would rather piss someone off who LIVES WITH YOU FULL TIME than just look uninterested (not even a dick, can be done politely where no one would suspect anything) in public.
Based on his response to the
Based on his response to the OP's WHAT IF, I have a feeling he isn't interested in living with her for much longer.
He may have agreed to ignore mom just to shut his wife up. He said what she wanted to hear, not what he intended to do.
People do that all the time.
People do that all the time. Most people would not talk to a stranger the way they can talk to someone in their family..lol.
I am even talking personally here. Sometimes I am a brat to my husband... I wouldn't want people to see me with my "social makeup" off.. but we let our families see us that way because they love us unconditionally.
If he has half of a brain
If he has half of a brain (maybe he doesn't) he could gracefully extricate himself from BM without being a dick.
Yeah but both of them have
Yeah but both of them have chaperoning jobs for kids other than their own. You don't just go to take care of your own kid so there should be some individual time with SS no matter what.
The problem is the BM (or whatever hung up ex because there are a couple of guys in my life who can't get the hint) will use the kid as an excuse to spend time constantly with the dad.
If the mom wants to play competition on who the kid spends more time with, the dad can just not play that game. He doesn't have to be on top of his kid (lord, why would anyone even want their parents on top of them at that age) all the time at Disney.
I know, I'm wondering why
I know, I'm wondering why there are some posters who think that politely excluding himself is the same as looking like a dick? There are plenty of people who I can't stand who no one would be the wiser even though throughout an event or being around each other, I wouldn't speak more than a polite hi or bye to--even if they wanted to talk more.
If my DH told me I was free
If my DH told me I was free to see who ever I wanted (especially while he was off with his ex) I literally would never speak to him again outside of court.
This man has basically told you to go eff yourself and the horse you rode in on.
Time to do a hard 180 on him. No texts, no phone calls, no communications at all. If he truly doesn't want you then all you can do is move on. If he does want you then he needs to step up and prove it. It's not up to you to lure him back.
Yes you have a child with him - but no child should be raised in a home where one spouse makes it clear they have no use or even basic respect for the other spouse.
Sounds like he is basically spending every waking moment with BM. Being on the same trip is not the same thing as spending all one's free time together.
I will be spending this weekend at my college reunion. My ex will be there. My DH is only attending one dinner. I will NOT be spending any of my time with my ex even though we will be at the same events. I have my "posse" of GFs all lined up who are willing to surround me to keep him away.
THIS!! He said he was going
THIS!! He said he was going to go there just for his son and schoolmates but he obviously is oddly flattered by the BM's attention.
THIS !!! TOO! No way should
THIS !!! TOO!
No way should you put up with this treatment, guess you could suggest an open marriage and you can see all the men you would like, as well, including exes, etc. Who cares what he looks like? He is still married to YOU, but his vows to honor you, oh well...he can easily ignore BM or just speak and that is all, he does not need to be friendly, those days should be well behind each of you. Being buddy buddy with the ex, is clearly being disrespectful to you and your marriage--and, that is is what most people think too.... What else might he do with her for the SS? Just saying.....
However, I would not be beyond letting him know he was indeed free and so was I...and I would be planning my exit strategy from this mess immediately.
Protect yourself lady, this situation is not likely to improve unless you take drastic measures. One way or the other, you are the winner, if you do...
"Oddly flattered"? I think
"Oddly flattered"? I think he's still banging her. Why was he defensive on the phone like that? If he were clueless, or too much of a pussy to ignore BM, he would've apologized. ( Hi Think Thrice
)
I think he said it because he
I think he said it because he is frustrated. I think he sees her jealousy as virtually an accusation that he is being unfaithful. The fact that he has been in his EX's presence during the trip doesn't mean they are spending every waking moment. A couple of pictures are only a moment in time.
Unfortunately, I think what
Unfortunately, I think what her DH has been trying to do is be as non-confrontational as possible.
He was going on the trip. He wasn't going on the trip to see BM.. the fact that she went was most likely in his mind neither here nor there. His wife starts acting all jealous like and pestering him to not go on the trip... so he gives her the placating answer of "I will just ignore her". Now to him that may mean a little different than that literal translation. To him it probably meant that he wouldn't go out of his way to be around her. Laney took it as "if I see her coming my way, I will go the other and will refuse to let her sit with me and won't speak to her.. if she speaks to me.".
In reality, on the trip, he has been faced with a few times that they have been in the same place. She sits down at a group table with her son and her husband and other kids. Does he look like a jerk and tell her she needs to go elsewhere? Does he snatch up his food and make a scene about going elsewhere himself? No.. he just acts like a civilized adult and eats his lunch.
Dave and Busters.. large group activity with lots of people around. EX wife probably comes up and asks a question about their son.. he speaks to her briefly then goes on to talk to 100 other people. What was he to do? Be rude in front of all the kids and parents and teachers? Seriously, he is trying to be a good chaperone and not cause any kind of scene... of course he is being as pleasant as possible to her. I'm sure he isn't going out of his way to seek her out, but he is being cordial when he does see her. That doesn't mean they are "playing husband and wife.. happy family" They are playing two adult parents who can relate to each other without spitting in each other's face.
Then his wife calls him and gives him a ration of crap because she sees pictures that BM posted. Well, HE didn't post them. He also knows he is not intentionally doing anything wrong with his EX. They are in the same place and as a result are in each other's company on occasion and are trying to act like adults. (or at least he is). Now, BM is posting pics online that are really probably meant to dig at Laney.. but if her husband gets all accusatory with BM.. he will look like a jerk on the trip and BM will know she got under Laney's skin.. So, he just wants to get through this without all the drama.
He has been desperately trying to minimize, downplay drama and just get along.. Laney again blowing her top at him is making him question why he is with her in the first place.
And.. it's often very common for people to behave worse around those they care about. I certainly get more short with my DH than I ever would with a coworker..lol.
The problem is that there's a
The problem is that there's a fine line between friendly and polite. No one is asking him to spit in BM's face, but if you truly don't like someone and don't want to be around them, there are PLENTY of polite ways to remove yourself from their presence without looking like a jerk. I do it at work/social functions all the time and I am sure most of us has to do this at one point or another regardless if it's an ex or a particularly annoying coworker.
I get he wants to be "placating" and "conflict-avoidant" but, in our steptalk terms, is the same as having no spine. Because there is the very often paradox of WHO to placate--because there are two opposing forces, and they'd rather choose to the BM than the wife.
Then again, the pictures may
Then again, the pictures may be misleading. Lunch.. well, he was already seated with a group of kids he is chaperoning. BM joins the table. Not much he can do without seeming to be rude.. or shirking his chaperone responsibilities. He was likely to have been required to chaperone a specific group of kids at that table.. so he couldn't really leave. She was not an official chaperone.. so she could do whatever she wanted.
At the Dave and Busters.. there was one picture. Maybe it was a brief hi and bye and he said he talked to lots of people.. he may very well have excused himself.
The other pictures were things she had taken of him.. but not with her.
BM taking a picture of him
BM taking a picture of him sleeping on the bus and commenting about how he and his son look so much alike...that's venturing into 'lovey-dovey' 'happy family' territory, imo.
Oh.. it may be 100% and what
Oh.. it may be 100% and what BM is doing might be totally crappy. BUT.. her husband didn't POSE for that picture an probably had no idea it was even on the internet.
To get raked over the coals for something that you really can't control.. and someone else's facebook feed is one of those things. (I mean, you can untag yourself I think, but he may either not know how to do that.. or obviously didn't know it had been done yet).
This is about Laney being mad at her husband when it is the EX that is the problem.
Unfortunately, Laney nor her DH can control the EX right? Sure, there is the option of her husband staying home from every possible instance where the BM is so there is never a picture of him and her together.. but yeah.. that doesn't seem right either.
I will be a minority. I
I will be a minority. I think if two parents that are not together can communicate regarding the child and can remain friends after the divorce then the child benefits. I have struggled with this but have reached a point where I can have small talk with the BM. There are occasions where we all have to be together.
I can understand why your DH
I can understand why your DH isn't going to be rude to BM In front of SS. That is asking way too much of DH and it is Not your place to tell him how to act.
Personally I knew this was going to go bad when you were sending him crappy text messages for things BM was doing. You just fell right into her trap.
I cannot stand my XH. I personally would rather have my eyes dug out than have to look at him. However, when it came time for our BS to graduate, have his honor nights and eventually graduate from Bootcamp, we were there and civil to one another. I even offered to bring him lunch back when we were all together for family day. Had my DH made an issue and demanded I be rude to XH, I would have laid into him. I wouldn't expect DH to be rude to BM (even though she is a nasty person) in front of the SS's.
Its called being an adult and understanding you will be in uncomfortable situations at time and you have to deal with them.
"Everyone has insecurities...
"Everyone has insecurities... but they're created from the past, not from the present.."
I had multiple instances where a partner cheated with an ex. I've also seen it happen to my friends. I've seen friends sleep with their ex even after the ex remarried (yuck). Also my ex from decades ago still professes undying love although he's been remarried to someone else for decades. Those past experiences have affected me.
My DH is not a cheater. BM was just a woman that he slept with as a teen and married when she got knocked up. Years after their divorce he slept with her again (both were single) and the pathetic POS SS31 was conceived. I do not think that he carries any torch for her. She's not exactly a sex symbol these days. And she's been remarried for years.
So I don't think there is one chance in hell that my DH would even kiss her on the cheek. Yet I was EXTREMELY OFFENDED when he stopped by to visit her after he moved to my city (where BM also lived).
This wasn't an issue of my DH or BM trying to hook up - it was my DH being respectful of my feelings. And he has been.
I would be upset if my
I would be upset if my husband went out of his way to go visit an EX of his. In fact, one of his Exwives worked at his dentist (small town.. only dentist) and I told him that he needed to insist on another tech..lol. But it was more the fact that we suspected his ex was on drugs and didn't want him getting something like Hep C from working on his mouth..lol.
This situation is a bit different. Group outing.. focus is that it is a kid's school trip. Them being in the same place is not intentionally going out of their way for the express purposes of seeing each other.
I am not saying that Laney's feelings aren't valid in some way. We all have insecurities or jealousies. Shoot, a few times when my DH went out with friends of his to go fishing or whatever and he stayed hours longer than they planned.. I got miffed because I was missing out on having fun.
What were kids doing at D&B?
What were kids doing at D&B? As far as I know, that's a 21+ only establishment. I have never heard of kids being allowed in there.
D&B is all ages where we
D&B is all ages where we are.. though kids don't normally sit at the bar.. but plenty of kids go. I'm guessing school policy probably says chaperones can't drink, but not sure.
Dave and Busters is a game
Dave and Busters is a game arcade place for kids/teens/adults. There is no age limit that I know of.
Similar handle names? What
Similar handle names? What does that mean? I'm sorry I didn't respond but I am really angry and I am stepping back to reevaluate and cool down. I'm reading the responses and I see that I am wrong. I'm not ready to converse yet. Did you call me a duck? lol
I didn't even realize I did
I didn't even realize I did that. Can I fix it?
I think her husband meant to
I think her husband meant to say, "You are free to ride a cowboy."
Damn, I just spit Pepsi all
Damn, I just spit Pepsi all over the screen.
I'm going to be the odd man
I'm going to be the odd man out here... BUT if you step back and look at this as DH... he was/is in a really shitty position. He signed up to chaperone, and was excited to take this trip with his son. BM inserted herself into the mix after the fact. What was DH supposed to do, back out? And why should he have to?
So now he's going on this trip and he's going to have BM flitting around, and you fuming at home. No matter what he does it will be wrong. Back out of trip? Bad dad! Go on trip with BM? Bad husband!
And the man can't control BM. So what is he supposed to do when she snaps a picture of him and SS? Tell her to delete it? Scream at her to stop? At least by her posting shit on FB they are being somewhat transparent. Not like they are sneaking around and trying to hide shit from you. Why would BM sit at a different table than her son? Isn't her son the whole reason she is on the trip?
I totally get how shitty it is to see this stuff on facebook, and how it would put your stomach in knots etc. and I too would be livid, but I would NOT have taken it to the extreme that you did and I CERTAINLY would not have done it over the phone.
To me it's just one of those unfortunate things we have to deal with as step parents. Hell I used to get livid when BM would call and text DH for stupid shit, and when he would have to make small talk with her at a soccer game etc. but unfortunately it's the nature of the beast. If you don't want to deal with any of this, your DH is correct, you are free to leave and find a nice single, childless guy and call it good.
Right? BM is just making
Right? BM is just making herself look the fool. Obviously all her FB friends know that she is divorced and probably most know that son's father is remarried, so it just makes her look like a pathetic, pining asshole. But whatever floats your boat!
Or maybe this was her diabolical plan? Piss SM off, get her out of the picture and then try to win ex back? If so, SM fell right into it!
DH has been to plenty of
DH has been to plenty of weekend away tournaments for the skids when BM is there as well. The kids socialize in the evenings and so do the parents. BM isn't psycho so she isn't going to take pictures of DH sleeping or anything, but she definitely is the sort to act like she and DH are buddy-buddy for the sake of appearances.
Honestly, I don't know what she does because I don't care enough to ask. I assume he is cordial to her because he is a normal person and a civil member of society and that means sometimes there are settings where we have to interact with people when we'd prefer not. I'm just glad it's him and not me.
I did not read all the
I did not read all the comments... and yes you effed up, you get an A+ for that....
You are jealous and you showed DH you do not trust him, you tried making him jealous by asking a stupid question about vacationing with an ex BF.... this is very very childish Hon...
Who's taking care of your 2 year old while you are stalking FB and getting worked up about DH and BM being in the same place?
Stop this immediately , send your husband an apology text and say, you can't help being a jealous little girl but you simply love him and miss him.... then never ever do this again
Stop staling on FB, DH can not tell BM, in front of their son, NO you can't sit with us, if BM walks up to him he can't run away, he's a chaperon and needs to be with the kids, BM is being childish as well and you are acting exactly like she is... this man must be really in love with you, if I was in his shoes, I never would've come back home after this and you would've received divorce papers
Grab a pair of lady balls and
Grab a pair of lady balls and show up at the hotel. SURPRISE!!! I came to have soooo much fun with you guys!!!