OSD just got engaged. Who wants to bet we go 3 for 3?
Another skid wedding coming up... OSD and her SO are on vacation and he proposed, DH got a phone call yesterday with the good news.
YSD and SS both got married last year and our daughters were not invited to either wedding. Who wants to bet DDs aren't invited to this wedding either, and what the excuse will be?
YSD's excuse: they aren't close to DDs and its a small wedding (160 people including a kids table)
SS's excuse: the wedding ceremony is kid friendly (double the size of YSD and there were several kids with roles in the ceremony) but the reception is adults only and its such a long way for DDs to come to sit in a hotel most of the weekend.
OSD's excuse: we will find out soon!
- MrsZipper's blog
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Prepare yourself for you DD's
Prepare yourself for you DD's not to be invited, and arrange something for them to do that's fun, there's no reason why you have to attend the wedding, you and the girls can go on a Mummy Daughter road trip.
As soon as you hear about the date, start arranging your road trip for the same week-end, thus later you can say, oops sorry DH I promised the girls please give my apologies to OSD and enjoy the wedding
In my previous relationship
In my previous relationship my exOSD, who I had a very good relationship with, never invited DD to her wedding even though they knew each other fairly well and are friends on Facebook etc.
at that time I figured since ex and I weren't married that's ok (although we lived together and were a couple for over 8 years).
When few years later my DD was getting married she didn't invite SDs either. Not because she was vindictive but because she just figured out that they aren't that close.
ExSO told me that DD had to invite them AND plan her wedding when SDs are off work and college so they can attend, he said he'd pay for SDs airfair for them to attend . This was the dumbest crap ever. ExSO was upset that I wouldn't tell DD to invite them or plan her wedding to accommodate them. So freaking stupid!
Mrs Zippers daughters are
Mrs Zippers daughters are half siblings to her steps.... I think she thinks her kids have to be invited
Wtf? These are half
Wtf? These are half sisters???? Of course they need to be invited. It's so rude not to invite them
Why? Personally, I'm not a
Why? Personally, I'm not a big fan of "blood is thicker than water", but outside of that it sounds like there are a lot of things going on in this situation.
1) There is distance involved between OP's stepchildren and OP's children.
2) There is a large age difference between the half-siblings.
3) There doesn't seem to be much of a relationship between the step-siblings.
4) It seems that children, in general, were not widely invited to the wedding.
I get it Livingoutloud - but
I get it Livingoutloud - but keep in mind there's more or less a 15 year age gap and the 3 older kids never had relationships with their half siblings, ... thus strangers to them...
Mrs Zipper never had any relationship with the skids maybe read a couple of her other blogs to get an understanding...
In this matter I do not blame the adult skids not inviting 2 strangers to their wedding just because they share a father
I still think it's not
I still think it's not inappropriate to not invite siblings and even less appropriate for a dad to be ok with it. My DDs siblings are much younger than her, the last one 20 plus years younger. She considers them siblings and my ex would never ever tolerate such nonsense as them not Being invited.
I blame dad in all this mess: SM and the kids not having relationship with SDs and more things that I mentioned later. Clearly SM also played a role but DH is common denominator here
Yes I agree but then
Yes I agree but then according to OP's previous posts... DH is not allowed to do anything with his prior kids or family,
it's always her family traditions, what she wants....DH is not even allowed to spend fathers day with his older kids who invited them all for a day with them... she was very upset cause what about her traditions with her family?
When you are married you have to compromise, she never wants to do anything with his family, hence the older kids not inviting them.... but yet DH is not allowed to do anything with his family cause they are his family now?
I can see why the older kids does not bother inviting her and her bio's, even if it's half siblings
I see, she kind of faces
I see, she kind of faces consequences now of her alienation techniques all these years. He is a grown ass man though. Why did he allow this? Why didn't he put his foot down? Is he that scared of her?
Maybe he hoped she would
Maybe he hoped she would change, maybe he's a very soft man and keeping quiet for the sake of the little ones...
but now that he started standing up for himself, she's trashing him and sorry to say.. couple of us support her on that, I just don't get it... maybe I'm weird, but her DH has done nothing wrong but support her and the more he did it the more she tried to cancel out his previous family.... he woke up
I'm not one of those people
I'm not one of those people that thinks one has to allow children at a weddding.
But I think it's weird as can be when the children of guests are invited but half siblings are not. I personally would opt out of that BS. I would complaint or even ask why. I'd just remove myself from any of it.
DH walked both YSD and SS
DH walked both YSD and SS down the aisle, is he not part of the wedding party?
I dont think it's being GUBM to want your children to be invited to a family wedding.
The only children invited
The only children invited where those in the wedding and e children of those standing up in the wedding.
Are the half siblings close?
Are the half siblings close? It sounds like there is a large age difference, and it sounds like there is quite a distance between where your stepchildren live and where you live with your bio children.
I have half siblings who were not invited to my wedding (or any family events really) because we just are not close. An event like a wedding, I would invite the people to whom I am close, others can get their feelings hurt, I just don't care.
Were the older half siblings
Were the older half siblings close to the random children that were invited to the wedding?
I would assume so. I was
I would assume so. I was close to those who were invited to my wedding. Those to whom I was not close (my half siblings) were not invited.
This is one of the cases
This is one of the cases where I would love to hear the other side of the story. Mrs Z has sounded jeoulous of some of the financial status of the step kids (it is normal to feel that way). She said the kids come to events for the daughters and treat them well. She said she was treated very well at the weddings.
I would love to hear why they excluded their sisters. I think they should have been included.
I will still stand by my advice that the Zippers need to go to counseling and sort out the growing pains that is occurring.
The other kids that attended
The other kids that attended were in the wedding.
The OP and her husband did not pay for the wedding, the BM did.
My DD has half siblings. They
My DD has half siblings. They are much younger than her. They were of course invited to her wedding. Frankly my exDH would be shocked if DD didn't invite them. How is it ok not to Invite siblings???? Why is dad ok with it???
Now I think there is maybe
Now I think there is maybe more to the story. Is it a family where DDs and SM are not participating in events in SKs families? Also some religious issues?
You are either Jewish or you
You are either Jewish or you aren't. You can't be "somewhat" Jewish. Its kind of rude. You could word it differently as perhaps somebody is not actively practicing etc or whatever is that you are trying to say
I don't think any of it is an excuse for not inviting siblings. My DD is Jewish, she is very much religious, raised in faith. Her siblings (technically half) are Christian, so is SM. And so is my ex who converted to Christianity. Who cares.
There might be an issue of SM insisting DDs will be raised Christian (my SIL did this) but that's not kids fault and shouldn't prevent anyone from wedding attendance
I am confused why dad had to think about giving daughters away? What is there to think about? I am also surprised only dad would give her way? Most Jewish families have both parents walking their daughter.
This hesitation is really
This hesitation is really weird. Who would he expect give her away?
He and BM gave YSD (and SS)
He and BM gave YSD (and SS) away together, stood at the front together and then walked back down the aisle arm in arm. This was not a regular father gives the bride away situation, and he told me he wanted to check with me, to make sure I was ok with it, and I was, and he did.
What you describe as
What you describe as "regular" father gives away bride is only regular for your culture. It's not "regular" for Jewish family. Why did DH need your permission to give his child away according to his and his children culture and tradition? It's not something one needs permission for.
Who are you responding to? I
Who are you responding to? I told op that what she says is "regular" is only true for her culture. In Jewish families both parents guve children away and it is not something to ask a permission about. I think we both are saying same thing, How am I wrong?
I see. It's easy to misread
I see. It's easy to misread with tons of posts.
I think if people marry someone from a different culture it's important to mutually respect that. If helps to educate oneself about it prior to.
OP and her daughters had
OP and her daughters had NOTHING to do w/DH "thinking about" his role in the wedding. That is all on DH, not sure why you're dragging everyone else into it and saying they deserve to be punished for his words.
How ungodly to exclude a
How ungodly to exclude a sibling over a religious issue. Using "God" as an excuse is pretty pathetic.
I agree. But we don't know if
I agree. But we don't know if that's the case.
Op never said kids had little
Op never said kids had little to do with him (as adults). She said kids distanced themselves while way to college (normal) but things were getting better and relationship was good.
He had to ask Mrs. Zipper a permission because in Jewish tradition both parents walk their kuds to the aisle. He had to walk with BM (not touching BM at all, don't even need to look at her). He knows his wife better, maybe she is insecure about BM or whatever is the reason that he had to ask a permission.
Her DH is Jewish so are his kids. One doesn't need to ask a permission to follow ones tradition. One would only do if they are afraid of their spouses wrath or something. (I have a crazy father and my mom has to ask a permission for mundane shit). It sent a certain message to SKs.
"Precious Snowflakes,
"Precious Snowflakes, sometimes you aren't invited to events. Instead, you're going to go spend the weekend with grandma."
Done
I wonder what happened when
I wonder what happened when DH was attending holiday events in SDs houses without SM and his kids.
Were they not invited? Or chose not to attend? Why did DH not take them? DH and I have no kids together but we would never ever not to accompany each other to holiday events. Never. I wouldn't go if DH wasn't invited, and vice Versa. And we are from different faith and culture.
It seems that in this family DH and SM lead separate parallel lives. Hence no invites to children?
The only holiday events DH
The only holiday events DH went to by himself were this year, and they weren't at the skids houses. DH was a guest of the skids at Jewish holidays at other people's houses.
and the skids never told
and the skids never told their father their mother would be there...
as per Op's blog about fathers day - I could see on DH's face he did not know BM would be there..
Was he invited alone? Do
Was he invited alone? Do people not know he is married? Why didn't you go?
We are invited to random events to random people all the time regardless whose family, we go together. Perhaps by not attending events as married couples do you two send a message that you don't want to be a part of the family or that you lead seiarate lives.
If I told my DD I need my
If I told my DD I need my DH's permission to walk her down the aisle, she'd be hurt. Heck she'd think I am married to a controlling prick or that I lost my mind.
Disneyfan's advice makes the
Disneyfan's advice makes the most sense. Just stay disengaged. Doesn't matter whether the skids are aholes or the youngsters are brats. If it is horrible or justified. It is what it is.
Knowing that the only thing for OP to do is to just step away from it all. No need to yell, shout, or mildly complain in a whisper. Just write the skids off and go on with your life.
OP since the skids don't really care for your children it would be best to limit their exposure to them to minimize hurt. Many a second set of kids doesn't ever really have anything to do with older skids. It happens. Nobody drops dead from it.
Let the future bride do her thing - but do not participate in any of it. No helping plan (or God forbid pay for anything out of your personal funds) anything about the wedding. No need to go to any parties, showers, etc. Don't be rude or obnoxious about it. Just a "no thank you" and be unavailable.
But please don't take this out on your DH. He can't really control an adult. He could complain, but it doesn't sound like he sees anything wrong, and it wouldn't make any difference anyway. Let him go to the wedding with your blessing. But insist that he also accept that you and your daughters are free to go do something else.
He needs to accept that Mrs
He needs to accept that Mrs Zipper and two youngest daughters are free to go do something else. He also needs to accept that in the future his two youngest daughters might not invite their older half-siblings to their own weddings.
That's the thing. Dad didn't
That's the thing. Dad didn't help pay for the wedding. BM footed the bill and she was the one who old the SD that OP kids could not attend.
Since mom was paying, she had a say in who was invited. It's just like the SMs who pay for their SK's graduation parties, then say hell no BM can not attend. The person dishing out the cash, gets to dish out the invites as well.
Many weddings have no kids
Many weddings have no kids outside the wedding party, or limit kids to those exceptionally close to the bride or groom.
I never got a response if op
I never got a response if op was invited to holiday celebrations that DH attended alone. I think if she and kids were not invited but DH still went then he is a total jerk. But if she and the kids were invited but chose not to attend then she sent kind of a bad message to SKs. .
Omg wtf??? I reread old posts
Omg wtf??? I reread old posts and I don't understand why Mrs. Zipper blames SDs when she is married to an ass!
Apparently she and the kids were never invited to holiday celebration and that is why he went alone. Wtf? If anyone invited DH alone without me (unless some guy sporting activity), he'd never ever go. Neither would I. Even if these weren't SDs but some strangers, why is he going alone???? I don't care if it's someones house. The way this jerk behaves is telling the world where his priorities are.
This is some f...ed up family. My entire family are all multicultural and interfaith and DH and I are interfaith couple. We don't do things separately and don't attend events where spouse isn't invited !
This whole marriage is bizarre. No wonder kids aren't invited. No one looks at them as family because of the messages dad sends. He is to blame for this mess
Oh. My. God. I try not to
Oh. My. God. I try not to respond to your crazy as it seems half the comments on all of my blogs are from you. I dont know how much clearer I can be. DH when we met identified as agnostic. He tells people he is agnostic. He has expressed almost no interest in anything religious (any religion) for the majority of our marriage. He did not care what religion we raised our kids in but I did, so that's what we went with. I'm supposed to know more about the skids religion than DH does and raise my children interfaith when DH is ambivilent about religion in general or else I come off as anti Semitic? Wow. Just. Wow.
There is a lot in Jewish
There is a lot in Jewish culture that could be still taught to children besides religion. Just because your DH isn't attending synagogue I doubt he stopped identifying himself as Jewish.
In my family not inviting
In my family not inviting siblings wouldn't be acceptable. But then again we can't always judge other families by our standards. It wouldn't. acceptable to celebrate only one culture or demand spouses forget their heritage and spend all holidays with in laws in my family either.
AND the 10 years before that
AND the 10 years before that - he spend it with Mrs Zipper and her family...
so why can't he start spending time with his other children, why can't the alter the holidays... this year your adult skids, next year my family?
read her old blogs... if it's
read her old blogs... if it's still there...
just on the fathers day one she complained like crazy cause suddenly after 10 years of going to her family he wants to gold with SS....
then year ago it was the issue about Christmas.... DH knows we do this with my family every year, now he wants to ...
and who says he's being a dick to his younger 2 children?
but we have different views... I simply say maybe DH got tired after 10 years of not being allowed to see his older kids, the same kids that's not inviting her 2 to their weddings, the same kids that have no relationship with her or the younger 2 half siblings, because OP does not want it... but yet she cries quick enough if her kids are not invited to strangers wedding
Didn't the OP introduce the
Didn't the OP introduce the whole "we do my family stuff" in her Easter and Father's Day posts? I believe that is why many of us think her husband has gone along with what she wanted for years.
If they were minors, they
If they were minors, they should not have had the power to dump him.
IF this is true, and he OP
IF this is true, and he OP was perfectly fine with him being a dick to the older kids, then why complain now?
What is going on is wrong. It's wrong to do it to the first set of kids and it's wrong to do it the 2nd set. It's wrong to sit back and ignore it when it's done to your SKs.
Pushing folks to side is done by SOME SKs and SMs. People in both camps will swear up and down what they are doing is justified. Regardless of why it is done, it is hurtful. Some people move pass the hut. Others hold on to it and wait for the opportunity to hurt you in the same way you hurt them.
To be clear, I don't agree with what the OP's husband is doing. I also disagree with husbands excluding their older kids from family events when they remarry and have more children.
He is certainly a prick. I
He is certainly a prick. I have no doubt
actually - they both are
actually - they both are wrong, it seems like it's tit for tat.....
they need to compromise and communicate, his older kids is not going to go away, yes he's been nasty towards her, and yes she's getting him back....
That's my whole point, both adults can handle this so much better and let by gones be by gones
True.
True.
Please do not reply to HRNYC,
Please do not reply to HRNYC, it is pointless. She has posted over 50 times to this blog, and hundreds of times to my other blogs, and says the same thing over and over and over again.
There were two holidays that
There were two holidays that he celebrated with older kids . Passover and Fathers Day. Younger kids were invited to Fathers Day. Passover is the only one where kids were not invited.
And we don't know what exactly happened. Sounds like dad wanted to go alone, maybe to avoid some drama.
Married men wouldn't go to events without wife and kids unless they are assholes or wife and kids cause drama.
On a blog I wrote last year,
On a blog I wrote last year, several posters recommended that DH spend time by himself with the skids for Jewish holidays as a chance for them to bond. I didnt take issue with the fact that we weren't invited, only the amount of time and effort he spent preparing for it in relation to how much effort he put into preparing for our family holidays.
Perhaps because he is Jewish
Perhaps because he is Jewish and was raised Jewish preparing for Jewish holidays is something his soul is in. Just because you raised your kids Christian and you said your DH isn't religious he forgot who he is. He goes with you to your family Christian holidays but you can't expect him to prepare for it certain way.
You don't practice his tradition in your home but practice only yours including teaching your kids only your tradition . And it's still not enough?
This is just a reality of marrying outside of your faith and culture. If it's important for you why did you marry Jewysh man?
I went back to some of your blogs and I see that all these years ALL holidays were celebrated in YOUR extended family: your mom or your dad or your sister et. You were upset that once in a blue moon holiday will be in SKs family. Gee. All holidays.
And you are upset that he tried something for his extended family/his other children.
Upset you can't start Father's Day with donuts and do coook outs instead of being pleased for your DH to be with both sets of kids. What's with insistence on doing things same way all the time? What's with this ridigity
So once in all these years and you couldn't tolerate it? I think this ridiculous attitude is noticeable to skids. They can't be blind all these years. And forsaking his traditions and ciltures and following only your family traditions couldn't be easy for your DH. Couldn't be easy for skids to see it. It all is coming back now biting you all in a butt.
that's because to HR, a SKID
that's because to HR, a SKID centered home is the only kind of home one should have.
Agree with that too. But
Agree with that too. But again DH didn't think any of it through.
He still could include them
He still could include them all regardless of age. He goes alone to things. If the wife doesnt want to get familiar to his culture then he has to take kids. Why doesn't he? My SIL is the type to not go to things but my brother wouldn't leave minor kids home while he attends family gatherings.
I also don't understand why can't his kids be exposed to his culture? My niece and nephews are raised Christian as SIL is but they are exposed to our traditions too. They don't sit home while dad is respecting his heritage. It's ridiculous
He not only treats his wife
He not only treats his wife and kids as second class citizens. He treats his older kids poorly too. He needs to "think" about taking them down the aisle. Wonder what so special about this guy. So far I am not impressed.
Meh, no surprise. The first
Meh, no surprise. The first wedding (SD's that you first posted about in the forum)was a surprise to both Dh and you. The SS's wedding you both knew before actual invitation came out. Now this one. Bright side is this is last skid wedding
Dad isn't paying for these weddings. But with this one being another female, yeah, I bet she is selecting her china place settings (16 at the least , please, Dad) as of today. Curious as to what SS got for his wedding gift as men are not that into china.
Anyway, while I do not agree with slighting your younger daughters, it is what it is and doesn't really matter what excuse is given this time. After being omitted from the first two, I am sure your daughters are not expecting to be included in this one. Shouldn't be this way, but it is. Just accept it and move on. Meaning don't let the girls see your resentment and disappointment over it. The girls still are accepting of whatever crumbs their older siblings show their way. They enjoy the things they are invited and included in, don't spoil that for them.
Last one yay! SS got a check
Last one yay! SS got a check for 20k. It's a balancing act going forward with DDs but I will try.
yeah, HOW RUDE that she wants
yeah, HOW RUDE that she wants the sisters of the bride invited to the damn wedding.
Sheesh, Zip, what is WRONG with you???
hey, crazy lady - they are
hey, crazy lady - they are HIS kids, too.
Do you need your Thorazine refilled??
DH must be doing well if he
DH must be doing well if he can give 20k gift. Do you both work? Is it coming out of your income?
Thinking about it.. I also
Thinking about it.. I also don't want to rock the boat too much. An adults only wedding is one thing but if I skip to take them on a trip it hits home something is wrong.
Yes. DDs will see it someday.
Yes. DDs will see it someday.
Handing you a martini.
Handing you a martini.
You were at 27% of the entire
You were at 27% of the entire comments pre your last additional two.
*We* all now clearly understand your position and what your opinion on all this is.
Are you about finished yet?
Livingoutloud is at nearly
Livingoutloud is at nearly 16% with over 30 comments. We also understand her opinion.
Dad is allowing all this or
Dad is allowing all this or maybe even encouraging. OP needs to take it up with her DH. This is one weird marriage imho
She said they were away to
She said they were away to college. Avoiding?
I would take the kids on a
I would take the kids on a trip in a heartbeat.
And, I wouldn't think twice about what message it may or may not send.
It sounds like the SM is
It sounds like the SM is disengaged from the Sks and vice versa. They are cordial and civil to each other but not much of a relationship. I have to say I am on the Sks side with this. After reading many of Mrs. Zipper's blogs it seems like it is her way or the highway. Nothing the Sks do it ever good enough for her.
They went to their siblings recitals and invited everyone for father's day without any prompting. You mentioned last year that they sent gift baskets to the siblings that were homemade with nicely written notes thanking them for the gifts. I know some families wouldn't even consider that. They are trying to meet half way it looks like but are putting up boundaries as well.
On this website boundaries are always talked about and it goes both ways for Adult Sks and SMs one should not supersede the other.
My question to Mrs. Zipper is what have you done to meet the Skds in the middle? Compromise is everything. It may be that in the beginning there were hurt feelings on both sides. As Adults maybe having a conversation to get everything on the table may be needed.
I mostly read the blogs as I have learned a lot for myself and think some lessons can be used in both step and nonstep life. However, I am tired of seeing these children bashed when they seem like good people. I would love to hear the other side of the story as I am sure the SKs would view Mrs. Zipper very differently. There are always three sides to the story, theirs/theirs/ and the truth in the middle.
What have I done to meet them
What have I done to meet them in the middle, besides even acknowledging them after years of torment and nearly destroying my marriage?
Here's a selection of things, in order of magnitude:
Put YSD through grad school
Bought SS a car
Watched SSs dog while he was working abroad and paid $3000 to remove that dogs gallbladder after his vet said that the dog needed surgery
Drove 4 hours (each way) to pick YSD up at a house party because she was drunk and puking and didnt know where she was and her friends had left her there alone
Cleaned up OSDs disgusting summer rental house so she would get her deposit back only to have her tell me later that she always throws a rager before she moves out and doesnt clean up after because "it's fun and it's only money".
By the way all of these things happened within the last 6 years, while we were on better/good terms. And then of course there was over a decade of sending birthday/holiday/graduation/ you name it cards and presents, baking special desserts, all the invitations to dinners, holidays, vacations, etc.etc.
There are so many things I have done for those 3 because they were treating us better and being nice to our daughters and then they decide to not only to take over thanksgiving, my favorite holiday, but exclude our daughters from, and basically erase their existence at, their weddings as well? No.
A certain poster commented
A certain poster commented about this post and I think we all know who. To summarize, she said the monetary things I listed were things DH did, not me, as if half the money in our bank accounts did not come from my salary.
She also said that I begrudged DH walking YSD down the aisle, another falsehood, unless begrudge means saying yes when someone asks you if you are ok with something. I dont think it does though.
She also implied that I tried to convince my DH to contribute less than the agreed upon amount to the skids weddings which is untrue. Lots of untrue statements consistently from this one poster.
My new policy with her is to
My new policy with her is to not engage, just delete!