That's mine! Husband mad that I won't share my stuff
My 20 year old stepdaughter has a habit of just taking and using my things. I went into her room recently and found my curling iron, nail polish, hair elastics and makeup brushes amongst other things that I keep under my bathroom sink. I didnt make a big stink about it just took my stuff back and left a note that said "please ask before taking my things and please return them in the way in which found". She didn't respond to me or anything as usual just ignored my existence. Not too long after some of my make-up goes missing. No surprise I find my lipstick and expensive mascara on her vanity almost empty. I went to her and asked her to please not use my things if she does not intend on replacing them.
She scoffs in my face doesn't say a word to me and keeps going about her business. Then she runs to my husband as soon as he comes home crying that I'm acussing her of stuff and her mom would never treat her that way. My husband calms her down then goes at my throat about how its not a big deal she uses my hair stuff that I use on my daughters all the time and that if I'm so bent up he'll buy me new makeup. He tried to make me the bad guy once again. I'm always tag teamed. Of course she slams her bedroom door calling me a bitch. My husband and I end up having a yelling match that ends in me crying and throwing ultimatums and him promising it will get better. The saddess part is this is not an uncommon accurance in my household and I'm always the bad guy. She went to her mothers house. At this point if he tries to talk me into moving her in when her baby is born I just cant. I'd rather move me and my daughters out. I just cant period.
Everytime she comes over I just hold my breath and ignore her like she does me. If I try to engage her in a conversation she just shrugs her shoulder and doesnt talk to me. My husband says she just needs to get used to me. 2 kids and 5 years later she should have gotten used to me by now. I don't need that around me or my kids. Its not like I'm some evil witch to her. She just has hated me from the begging without giving me a chance. But I guess that's my fault too right.
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Get a lock for your bedroom
Get a lock for your bedroom door!!!
If my husband wouldn't get
If my husband wouldn't get his panties in a bunch over me doing that.
It is not a good way to live,
It is not a good way to live, but lock everything up. It is easy to get an infection when sharing makeup, especially mascara. Does your DH defend you when SD calls you a "b*tch?" That would be the proverbial hill to die on for me.
You need to consider your kids. It can't be good for them to live in this kind of environment.
I want to lock everything up
I want to lock everything up but my husband would have a fit. She's not here everyday but you're right it isn't a good environment for my girls to have to hear the yelling. His daughter has called me so many names and cursed me multiple times. He wont say anything other than she doesn't mean it or is just letting off steam unless I make a big deal out of it.
Why do you choose to live
Why do you choose to live this way? You are being verbally abused by your DH and your SD. Have you considered therapy for yourself? Try and figure out why you are willing to accept this. Learn some ways to either deal with it or get yourself out of the situation.
Honestly I do think therapy
Honestly I do think therapy may help. When she isn't here my husband and I have a good relationship and its a good home environment for the most part. But when she is its like he is a completely different person. Like he can't bare to see his precious princess have even a moment of discomort. We argue and he promises things will get better but it's just too much. He doesn't seem to get how I feel
Jingle I feel your pain.
Jingle I feel your pain. Often these superdads lose all sense and understanding if it relates to their precious daughters. He chooses to ignore how you feel because his pecking order is skewed. Perhaps both of you should go to counselling. Perhaps this can guide him to see things more clearly. Good luck
She can purchase her own
She can purchase her own supplies or if Dad thinks she shouldn't have to, he can take her and purchase whatever he feels she should have and be free to use.
No one should be sharing items like mascara. Is your Dh seriously comparing his 20yr to two little kids that you use a dab of shampoo on? That's pretty sad. I'll assume you work. I'll assume you purchase your beauty supplies specifically for your own needs and usage. Skin/hair types, skin tones blah blah blah. My own 17 year old daughter does not help herself to my supplies. On the other hand , I assure my DD has her own supplies (and not cheap crap). I just don't do 'share'. We use different selection of items. She's not in her 50's, I'm not seventeen. I didn't use the same products when I was 20 as I did when I was 35.
Don't expect a man to know or understand any of that. What they are very capable of knowing and understanding is that your personal supplies are yours. His daughter can either buy her own suitable to her needs and finances or he can run out and do it for her.
You have offered to share to some extent and SD abused the privilege. Now Sd has lost the opportunity. That's not stingy or selfish on your part. I suppose if you must, you can go to having to lock your items up as if SD were 12 and acting the sneak who is now 'grounded' from your items. It's Dad's choice , tell him to make it. Yours are now totally off limits. No one to blame but SD.
Yes I do work. Very hard and
Yes I do work. Very hard and I dont appreciate anyone just taking my stuff. He told her he would buy her separate things to keep us from bickering. But its not just the makeup thing I'm making a big deal out of. Its the blatant disrespect and entitlement.
Locking up your belongings
Locking up your belongings reduces the amount of arguments.
You lockup your stuff and Dh gets mad once... and then probably will forget about it.
She keeps taking your stuff, then you either fume internally or she sets you up for another argument with dh.
Use every opportunity to reduce her ability to set up arguments with your Dh by eliminating the source of conflict.
Do this. Get his stuff. Hide
Do this. Get his stuff. Hide it. Use it all. Don't replace it. Take his razors. All of it. When he asks what's happening, call him an effing prick and cuss his ass out. Rinse and repeat. That's how it's done. Show him how awesome it is to live with an awful person. It will be fun!!
It's worth a try. Then if he
It's worth a try. Then if he throws a man fit I'll know it's working. It sucks to be treated like crap and not have your personal space respected.
Yes to locking up your stuff
Yes to locking up your stuff - exactly what the others have said - it will be an issue at first but he'll get over it, and it will reduce the amount of friction long term. But not just "lock your room" that won't work because he will not keep it locked and will allow her access. Get a lockable box just for YOUR stuff.
Also, print out something on the risks of sharing hair and make-up items - risk of cross contamination and infection etc. Its just unhygienic.
And point out that he would not tolerate YOU speaking/behaving towards her in that manner so he needs to stop allowing her to treat you this way. THAT is a hill to die on. If he cannot get this ADULT to be civil she needs to not be there anymore!
I have had it put with him
I have had it put with him over her blatant disrespect towards me. He has talked to her about it. But then he ends up complaining that he doesnt want to always be in the middle of us having to chose sides. Either be a good husband or a good father. He just doesnt get it. Being a good father is teaching her respect and helping her to understand life doesn't always go your way.
That's HIS problem - his
That's HIS problem - his priorities are wrong. He needs counselling to learn that you and his daughter are not equals with him in the middle (or above really) mediating. He is the parent, you are his spouse and SHE is the child, he needs to learn that its ok to pull her up and make her respect EVERY G.D.d time it happens. If he holds firm boundaries she (eventually and hopefully) should stop. It's his wavering and giving in because she bitches, cries and moans that teaches her that he doesn't really mean it and that its ok for her to carry on.
I was in a similar position - my SD was 14 and ended up destroying our relationship because dearest daddy could not put Princess in her place and me in mine - he allowed all of her behaviours - the stealing, the lying, the manipulating and the disrespect just like yours - and rarely called her out on it let alone any consequences - she'd just pout and cry and he'd "talk to her" and abuse me for complaining about it.
I want things to get better
I want things to get better and not have the straw that broke the camel's back one day when she does something that semds me over the edgeand he just makes excuses for it. I'm not sure how but I'd like to convince him that counseling for the both of us is needed if we want this marriage to survive.
I know exactly what you mean.
I know exactly what you mean. That's what happened with me. We ended up having a really stressful period and then "that event" happened and it destroyed us.
What's he like at discussing the issues in calm times? Obviously in the middle of an "issue" everyone is emotional and heated, but can you approach him when things are calm and have a reasonable discussion?
Good luck, sending all the positive vibes that you can get through to him xx
Wait until his toddler looks
Wait until his toddler looks at him and calls him a b*tch or smart mouth 'tudes him. He won't find it near as an ok thing as he seems to think Sd's disrespect is now. When the daycare sends home a note saying little Jingle stole another kid's _______ (fill in blank) and he has to go speak to center director about hi child's behavior.
What he is allowing in his household now with his oldest daughter is exactly what he is teaching his toddler children that it is acceptable behavior.
None of this has occurred to him yet, because it perhaps hasn't happened yet...but count on it. It's coming. Your toddlers are looking up to him, you and their older sister as role models. Two of the little one's study subjects are failing. Their sister and their father.
They are also watching you. Do you want your toddler's growing up thinking disrespect to others is ok? Do you want your children to learn it's ok to treat women the way they are seeing in their home?
You telling DH all this is (to him) you being a nag and being mean to his older daughter. He's making every excuse in the book for SD. A impartial third party (such as a marriage counselor) may be able to get through to DH what he has been ignoring hearing you say.
Wow that really hit me in my
Wow that really hit me in my heart. Honestly that hit me. They are my world. I could not sleep at night knowing that all of this had trickled down to them. Something has got to change. I want to think you for giving me that perspective. I want my husband to understand that as well. Because that is not ok and I will not stand by and allow that to happen.
Just put some habanero hot
Just put some habanero hot sauce or ghost peppers in the mascara.
Oh no, not the Nair in the
Oh no, not the Nair in the shampoo idea again!
Not the same thing at all.
Not the same thing at all. Putting Nair in someone else's shampoo is destructive.
Putting an irritant in something that belongs to you that will not really do any real damage to the ahole thief is not the same thing. I've accidentally touched my eye after handling peppers. It hurt - but it was nothing serious.
Who gives a s**t if a thief has some discomfort after their crime?
Speaking of Nair, I saw an
Speaking of Nair, I saw an article last night on one of those silly "news" sites about how "the husband's daughter put nair in the SM's shampoo".
i agree to go guerilla.
i agree to go guerilla. sometimes you have to fight fire with fire. only i would put scent free baby oil in the mascara for an icky mess. quinine on the lipstick. you get the idea. harmless yet teaches a lesson.
What makes you think you have
What makes you think you have to tolerate a thief and a disrespectful person visiting your house? Because she's related to your husband? If your mother-in-law stole your stuff and called you a bitch, would you let her come and go as she pleases in YOUR home? Tell your husband that the 20 year old WOMAN cannot come over anymore. Tell her to stay with "mommy". Done. Then turn "her room" into your office or craft room.
Dare him to complain.
If it were me, the problem would be easily solved... I'd kick that B!TCH out of my house and by B!TCH I'm referring to your husband!
your screenname is blayze for
:jawdrop: your screenname is blayze for a reason. If just a little of your boldness found its way to me I would not put up with so much. All of this support from fellow stepmoms who have stood where I stand is really bolstering me up. Its helping me put things into perspective and think about what I need to change and no longer tolerate. If I came in with your gusto my husband would probably be speechless.
I'm all in with Blayze on
I'm all in with Blayze on this one. She presents a great point and I love the feistiness. }:) }:) }:) }:) }:)
if you have a male relative,
if you have a male relative, nephew etc invite him over and let him know he is free to help himself to H's possessions
THIS When DH and I were
THIS
When DH and I were dating, he really wanted us to be one big happy family... so one time while he was getting SD ready for kindergarten, he gave her one of my cute hats to wear. I LOST it and he thought it was so silly... He was like "you're her stepmom it shouldn't be a big deal mothers and daughters share stuff all the time" and I had to explain that I'm NOT her mother so it IS a big deal. I don't need to share any more than I already do with her. I also lent his favourite video game to one of my guy friends shortly after, which he was not happy about, but it got the point across
What if one of you had
What if one of you had LICE?!?! Yeah, sure. Go ahead and wear MY freakin' hat. EW!!! :sick:
has he pulled out the "you're
has he pulled out the "you're just jealous" routine yet?
closely followed by "you hate
closely followed by "you hate my daughter and the special bond we have!!"
:sick: :sick: :sick: :sick:
"She just needs understanding and a little leeway, she's a COD you know!!"
Why is a. 20 year old who is
Why is a. 20 year old who is expecting her own baby coming over to your house at all? Daddy can meet her somewhere else. When she can be civil to you and respect you without stealing your personal items then maybe she can visit again when you are home. Until then make it a neutral location where you can leave if she starts her crap. Even if that means leaving DH to get his own ride home.
You should not have to lock up your makeup and mascara...yuck...hope you tossed it.
Do not let her move in with a baby.
This is why I have always
This is why I have always owned my own home in MY name. I have total control over who I allow in MY home.
Lock your things up.If your
Lock your things up.If your partner is that spineless have an exit plan ready cos if she is disrepecting you, her child when grown may follow suit...
Why is the facety stepdaughter wanting to move in? Say NO. She should move in with her mother. You owe the girl NOTHING. Disengage from her completely. NOT YOUR CIRCUS NOT YOUR MONKEY.
WHAT ABOUT THE BABY'S FATHER? If she is old enough to get pregnant at 20 she should live elsewhere given her behaviour.....
She sounds like my stepdaughter...
If he tries to move her in, TAKE YOUR KIDS AND LEAVE. HE CAN DEAL WITH HIS ADULT BRAT AND HER OFFSPRING ON HIS OWN.... BELIEVE YOU ME IF YOU DON'T THEY WILL BE EXPECTING
YOU TO DO EVERYTHING FOR HER. WHY SHOULD SHE BENEFIT FROM YOUR KINDNESS WHEN SHE DOES APPRECIATE IT?
I like the comment about lacing the cosmetics with the pepper but would advise against doing so......
I have exactly the same
I have exactly the same problem..... way I use to, we recently broke up because of these ongoing issues and I'm really not in a good place to give advice but I am going to...
It is not worth it, love does not concur all and it's not worth competing with a child, I gave up after 14 years, I deserve better.. maybe you should sit down and think really hard, cause no matter what, it will never change, he will move her in and you can do nothing about it.
Yes I did the locks, I moved out, I left nothing there but not even that helped cause we still went on holiday together and then Aergia would go through my stuff, trash cloths and take stuff and her father never saw anything wrong with it, I made it all up.. cause she promised him she did not do it, guess he did it then
^^ this ^^ SS here is 'sticky
SS here is 'sticky fingers' and steals so I keep our room locked up and the food has to be locked away from him at night or he will go through it like a termite as if he is never fed. He has a problem in that way. When SD lived here she took my things, went into our bedroom and took selfies in the large wardrobe mirrors (which then showed almost all of our bedroom) and posted it on fb. I was livid. SD always had nits, was really dirty re: personal hygiene so there's no way I was going to share anything with her.
The difference is that DH is supportive, he gets that his kids are wrong to take without asking, he is not a disney dad afraid of upsetting the little 'darlings'. He has had to pay the price for this though and SD is completely PAS'd. The minute a father stands up and says no to his kids the BM will be in there taking advantage of the brats outrage at someone finally saying no.
Sounds like your DH will never change so thus I agree with Acra on this. It's a choice of live like that and be miserable for a very long time, possible the rest of your life or leave and be miserable for a short time then get over it and move on.
He seriously thought it was fine that she took those things without asking??? He's not a keeper.
Sal- Sorry to hear you guys
Sal- Sorry to hear you guys broke up.
Mothers and daughters might
Mothers and daughters might share stuff all the time.... but they are willing participants to the exchange.
Taking something of mine to use, with prior understanding that it's ok, isn't the same as taking it without permission to help themselves.
I don't really use makeup, but I do have some... and I let my daughters use all of it except the mascara and eyeliner, because of hygienic reasons. We don't share deodorant/antiperspirant, razors or soap, either. They all have a personal hygiene kit with bodywash, loofah etc...
If I had an issue with stealing, I'd return the favor - and everything they have would be gone. They'd have to earn everything back, and every time they took something, I'd clear their stuff out again.
Your problem is your ahole
Your problem is your ahole husband. He doesn't want to be in the middle so cut him out. Deal with the little b*tch directly. Stop "telling" on her. When she pulls crap confront her directly. Don't yell or scream. Just calmly inform her what a worthless POS she is.
When she isn't here my
When she isn't here my husband and I have a good relationship
Here is the problem when women say things like this, it just shouldn't be that way. How he treats you should not change just because his precious daughter is around. If he has any respect for you, he should also demand that others treat you with respect. But, it seems that he actually has very little respect for you, so...
You are not her mother and should not be expected to share your things with her, never mind her just helping herself, without even asking. Even if you were her mother, she should know better than to just take things that aren't hers. This girl is 20 years old, not a toddler.
Stealing your things is unacceptable behavior and he should expect, and demand, better behavior from his daughter. Calling you a bitch? Honestly, I don't know what my DH would do because my SD26 has never dared tried it. She would be terrified of the consequence, I know that.
This is your home and you should feel safe there. Anybody who makes my home uncomfortable for ME, is not welcome.
Oh hunny been here!!!! Had
Oh hunny been here!!!! Had the same idiotic conversations with DH where he'd tell me I was being a jerk and if she was MY daughter, I'd be happy to let her use my stuff, blah blah.. shut up. The part that drove me bonkers was that nobody would ask, so I wouldn't have a clue that SD had "borrowed" some tampons until I'd go to use them and have one left, or go to use my particular color eyeshadow and it'd be missing etc. No. Not having it.
So a very wise lady on this board actually gave me the best advice... hide.your.shit.
Yes, it stinks to have to resort to hiding your stuff in your own house, but it will save your sanity and arguments with your DH. I hid all my hair products, makeup and tampons in BS7 room in the back of his closet and under his bed (she nor DH would ever think to look there!). Never had a problem with her taking my crap again!
ETA: She also stole clothes from me once and when I nicely asked DH if she might have taken them by mistake, of course he got snippy, how dare I? He did ask though and of course she denied it. About 6 months later, there was a falling out between her and DH and she went back to GBMs. During that time she apparently decided to sell her cell phone on Craigs List. Well the phone was on MY plan, so when the person she sold it to went to activate it, Verizon confiscated it and called me and sent me the phone. When we got the phone DH and I of course went through it }:) and guess what we found??? An ad on Craiglist where she was selling a bunch of clothes including MY missing clothes!! One of those moments when I wanted to run around the house with my hands waving yelling "I TOLD YOU SO!" DH still tried to say that she's such a slob that she probably didn't realize they were my clothes. :? Whatever. When she moved back in with us, I would just go right to her closet when she wasn't around and check for my stuff and just take it and not even tell DH or her. I honestly think she got the point, because again, she stopped taking my stuff.
You have to be one step ahead and stealth mode is best for these things.
Sounds like my exYSD. She
Sounds like my exYSD. She argued that everything needs to be "communal". That's the word she used: "when I lived with my mommy and daddy everything was "communal", why is SM upset I take her stuff". It was constant ongoing battle that I couldn't win, so I left. Just couldn't win.
The funniest thing is that ex told me that it was ongoing issue in their intact family as well. ExYSD constantly used and stole BMs and older sisters stuff stuff and They were always mad about it. So stories how it was ok with mommy but evil SM is mad about it, are not true.
Bet you BMs hate just as much. I love my DD deeply but certainly we aren't sharing mascara or lipstick. And if we ever need something we ask.
Certain items I would
Certain items I would consider "personal use" items because it is unhygienic to share them. Among those items would be makeup, makeup brushes, hair accessories and brushes.
If she cries about being "accused", I would respond. "Heck Yeah I accused her, I have asked her to not borrow my things without asking and yet I continue to find things like my makeup brushes, and other personal items in her room. A very simple solution is for her to NOT take my things without asking. If she needs something, she is free to come to me and I will either lend something of mine, pick something up for her at the store etc. You, DH, may not think it's a big deal, but it IS to ME. If you want to solve this problem you go talk to the person who is taking the things, not the person who is having things taken from them without permission...aka stealing. Maybe you would be ok with it. But to me, this is no different from someone taking my toothbrush and using it. How would you feel if some random person took your toothbrush to use? Get my point?"
"if it will make you feel
"if it will make you feel better"
What a sniveling pathetic response from your husband. The problem isn't that these things are being used, it's that they are being taken from you, without your permission, and you are being insulted or ignored when you politely make your needs known. If he can't see the difference in that then no wonder his daughter behaves this way.
It's not realistic to cling to a relationship because it works as long as key elements are missing. (i.e. your relationship with your husband is fine as long as his daughter isn't around). You're always going to have this problem.
Oh Dear... Been there done
Oh Dear...
Been there done that and have the t shirt to prove it.
I heard nearly every single one of the above mentioned excuses that my DH made for his teenage daughter:That she didn't do it and when it came out that she did, that I was just jealous of her and their relationship, that mothers are supposed to share with their daughters, that it was in there and she didn't know that it wasn't for her to take, that he didn't want to be in the middle and my most favorite, can't I just ignore it and not make a big deal out of it because she leaves for college soon and he doesn't want to add to her stress...
We had many battles over this and it almost destroyed our marriage.
I took over an empty bedroom and installed a lock on the door. I relocated my items from the common areas to my new off limits She-Cave and she shortly thereafter moved to her mother's house because she didn't feel like it was her home anymore. DH was upset at first when I did it, but he's since gotten over it and sometimes gives me a heads-up to lock up if he knows that she'll be around. Sometimes. She never comes to our house when I'm there, only when DH is home alone but I have made it a habit to always lock the door when I leave. It's a terrible way to live, but the only one that has worked to keep my items from walking away.
I always took her actions as some sort of silent F-you and rather than engaging with her, I removed the temptation.
Stand firm. You're not the resource of a child who disrespects you. Good luck.
Just hope that she becomes a
Just hope that she becomes a SM and her bratty adult SD treats her exactly how she's treating you! But really, I never use another woman's makeup.
Your SD is 20 and should be
Your SD is 20 and should be buying and have her own things. Every time she uses something , write your DH a bill for reimbursement since he thinks its no big deal.
Sharing makeup is a huge NO GO !!! Print out some pictures of eyelash mites..GROSS!
My skids we're showing signs
My skids we're showing signs of this when they were ages 5 through 9. I thank the good Lord that they PASed out.
I caught SD going through both Chef's and my wallet when she was a ripe old age of 8. Her excuse was "I thought you were sleeping." She was the worst of all three she would routinely go into my room and start pulling things out of my dresser drawers. Lots of stuff that I had made it back to the girhippo's I can tell you that much.
Of course chef thought that all three were as innocent as the wind driven snow. :sick: