Another argument and I am the bad guy always.

BM told OSS if she gets divorced to her DH then she is moving back to Washington of course he told me that and not his father. DH said that he would move back to Washington if the lost in court and they let BM move to be with his kids. I told him that I am not moving to Washington just for that. He said that I was selfish and that I was pretty much asking him to choose between his kids and me. I just don't see it that way. OSS is a teenager and YSS is almost a teenager it would make a different if they were younger but that is not the case. Am I wrong to feel this way? I just don't want to pick up my life and move to another state just because my DH made a decision to have kids with his ex and now he wants to follow them everywhere!! There is also other factors like we both have good jobs, etc.

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My response to stupid

My response to stupid comments like that usually goes something like "I'm not moving. If you choose to, that's on you."

Am I wrong in feeling the way

Am I wrong in feeling the way I do though? Because I don't want to move just to follow my skids and their BM.

You aren't wrong. If BM

You aren't wrong. If BM moves, she is making DH choose between his kids and the whole rest of his life.

You are not wrong in any way,

You are not wrong in any way, shape, form, or fashion.

Hell's bells, I didn't even "follow" my now XH when he moved. I'm sure as heck not following a BM!

You can never be wrong for

You can never be wrong for the way you feel, they're your feelings.

Moving is a family decision - not a one person decision. He's not in the army.

If he decides to move, that's on him - as long as he understands he is leaving his relationship behind.

What would he do if the kids were older, and one moved 5 hours away and the other moved 5 hours away in the other direction?

He tried to say that I moved

He tried to say that I moved for a boyfriend when I was young so why don't I do it for him and that he would do it for me in a heartbeat kind of bulls***!!!

You can also tell him that

You can also tell him that the circumstances were not the same. That maybe that earlier move provided you more job opportunities etc.. and the move was to a place you were interested in living. You may have a more stable job/career now and a home you own. Much more tied to the area.

Again, this kind of decision shouldn't be unilateral (unless you marry military and then that's what you sign up for). I just would worry she would flip flop and change again and then you all get jerked around behind her.

Then, he should be willing to

Then, he should be willing to stay "in a heartbeat".

Doing things when young is a lot different than when one is older and more established, has a good job, has a home, etc. No comparison.

Doing things when you're

Doing things when you're young and not established is a little different when you are older and have more to 'give up'.

Hypothetically, if you were to find a good job in the area he'd like to move to, would you go?

Neither one of you are wrong

Neither one of you are wrong for feeling the way that you do.

You have to really listen and hear what he us saying to you. Living near his children is more important to him than his marriage.

BM will be the one splitting

BM will be the one splitting up the kids from their parents, not you. Your husband can chose to move if he wants but he may want to wait and see what the court decides. And then when faced with the reality of a move he may not be so keen (especially if he just spent a load of money going to court, an expensive move might not be his top choice).

You are not wrong in your feelings. If he follows BM once does that mean he will continue to follow her around until the kids are 18? And then after that age what will he do if the kids choose to live with BM? It is a slippery slope to go down.

I would play it a little cooler with your husband though and tell him that although moving would not be your first choice you are willing to sit down with him and consider all of the options together and work out what the best way forward is when you two have some concrete facts, not just rumors via ss.

Thank you. I haven't really

Thank you. I haven't really said anything to him about that topic since he made those comments to me so but, I was just mad that he wouldn't even try to consider where I was coming from with me feelings that is what my main issue was.

His gut reaction is to do

His gut reaction is to do everything he can to stay near his kids. Yours is to not go chasing after BM.

With real facts and time to carefully consider realistic implications of any decisions you two make you two will find a way forward together.

There are so many different ways this could play out even before you two need to decide anything and then after that there are a number of different options that can go someway to letting you and your husband get what you want. Panicking now and causing rifts between yourselves on the basis of some nonsense BM spouted to ss that may or may no happen at some unspecified time in the future is a waste of your time and energy.

So... where do you live now

So... where do you live now in relation to Washington? Is it a car ride? a plane trip?

I wouldn't be liable to want to up and move just because my DH's EX decided to change because what would stop her from moving again.. then again. Are we going to uproot our lives and careers every time she gets a wild hair?

It would be different if this had always been on the table as a possibility. Like your DH and his family are from there and he always said he would like to move back there "at some point".

The bottom line is that if she chooses to move and is allowed to do so, it's possible that the burden of getting the kids back and forth will be on her.

We live in Texas. That is

We live in Texas. That is exactly what I was thinking. I am not going to uproot my life just because BM wants to make impulsive decisions in her life. I am pretty sure that he would follow his kids anywhere so then that would mean our marriage would be over because like I said I will not just up and leave because BM decided to move.

It may be possible to set up

It may be possible to set up visitation so that he sees his kids "just as much" as he does now. That might mean they spend the whole summer with him (yay for you...I know) and then maybe spring break and the Christmas holiday weeks too.

With cell phones, email, skype, it's possible for him to keep in touch with the kids daily if he wants. There is also nothing stopping him from taking a trip there to visit a couple times a year also (you can stay at home if you want).

I just don't see that the kids moving is a good reason for you both to uproot your careers and homes to follow BM.

If I were him, I would fight for her to not be able to leave.

BUT, you have to prepare to find him asking for primary custody to keep them there if she decides to move anyway.

Absolutely this. I plan to

Absolutely this.

I plan to retire to Newfoundland. SO is from there...so it works out... by the time I retire, SS will be 21 - and my kids will be 28, 30 and 31. It's not set in stone, but that's my end goal.

I would love to move out there once my kids are out of the house, though, but I know that isn't really feasible because by the time my youngest is over 18 SS will still only be 11.

How would your DH's work visa

How would your DH's work visa he's on work if he were to quit his move to move across country?

I was thinking your SSs were like 9 and 11/12 not yet teens and the younger one not very close, but that isn't a reason either way that I would use if confronted with thoughts of moving.

You have a job. You own a home (?). Life is not as easily picked up and moved as your DH's seems to think his is. What would be your job opportunities if moving? All the health insurance for you, DH and the kids are in your name under your place of employment. Who would cover the family if you're temporarily unemployed looking for new employment?

No, my considerations before I upped and moved would weigh far more on other issues than the age of his sons. Not to mention , isn't Washington where MIL lives? Won't that be fun, BM and MIL :O

And whether I decided to move or not would not hinge on what BM does or doesn't do. I understand your DH has children, that he loves them and desires to be near them, but he too also has other considerations than just packing a bag and running out the front door to follow her. For one, there may be a chance he could keep the established children in their current schools ( but that would mean you get them fulltime which would likely right there end your marriage. Your DH doesn't parent well on the time he does have his kids).

Go ahead and be the bad guy. This is important topic he's throwing at you. Not a decision to make lightly. He can grumble and argue all he pleases, but you have a big stake in this decision if it would come to it. Even if that means he thinks you're the bad guy. This is your life.

Thank you twoviewpoints

Neither one of you are wrong

Neither one of you are wrong for feeling the way that you do.

Agree with Disney, here, but I don't think your DH is really thinking this through, he is allowing his emotions to take over. Which I understand, they're his kids, but it's not as simple as just saying, "We're moving." And nobody even knows if BM is really moving or not.

Like twoviewpoints pointed out, moving is not just as easy as packing a bag and heading out. Not when you are an adult with responsibilities. There are a lot of things to consider, other than emotions.

Saddly this is a fact if

Saddly this is a fact if marrying someone with children. You are essentially making him pick you or the kids. They may be teens which means it's even harder for him to maintain a good bond which would quickly fall apart if they were to move a large distance away.

But really, OP is not the one

But really, OP is not the one making him choose. It's the parent's responsibility to facilitate the relationship between the kids and the other parent. If BM moves, she is the one making it harder for OP's husband to maintain a good bond.

Perhaps he feels that the

Perhaps he feels that the distance will impact his ability to be an involved, effective parent.

Is it not in the CO that the

Is it not in the CO that the CP cannot move more than X miles away without approval by NCP?

Yes BM has to get permission

Yes BM has to get permission from the court/judge and the decision will be made what is in the best interest of the children. The argument my DH and I had was if she won in court and the judge granted her permission to move to Washington that he will uproot his life to be with his kids.

Well I would've keep quiet

Well I would've keep quiet and say nothing at all.... if it comes down to moving to DC.... I would still do nothing and simply laugh and say to DH.... well you decided to move closer to your Ex and children, I never said I would.. cheerio Sir, but quickly sign here on the dotted line... and present him with divorce papers

That is what it probably

That is what it probably would come down to Acra if he had an impulsive decision without considering all of the factors besides the fact that he doesn't want to be away from his kids.

First of all there are a lot

First of all there are a lot of "ifs" here, IF BM and her DH split, IF BM moves to Washington, IF skids WANT to go with her etc. Who knows, maybe skids won't want to go to Washington, maybe they'll ask to stay with you guys?

You are not wrong however, in not wanting to plan your whole life around BM. I'm assuming you have a job with some time in, I'm assuming you have lots of friends, maybe family etc where you live? Why would your DH think it OK for you give up all of that because BM dictates HIS life?