Stepdaughter
My husband has a daughter she will be 18 in a weeks time. I haven't seen her in over three years and my children ages 13.5 and 10.5 haven't seen her since Christmas 2013. My stepdaughter has very little respect her for father and only seems to get incontact with him when an event is coming up. Her birthday is in a weeks time so she is making contact with him and the same thing will occur at Christmas time, once she has got what she wants from him the contact will cease. It has been this way for the past 3 years but my husband thinks that this time will be different. My issue is that she is finishing grade 12 this year and he will be taking her away for 1 week to do a trek and kayaking in NZ. This will be yet another trip that I am not involved in with my husband and his daughter. When will he insist that I join them. When they go out for dinner she will say in the text message just you and me. I said to him that she will soon be an adult and she will have to decide that if she wants to see you that I should be included, she needs to accept the fact that I am your wife. I am tired of arguing with him over this issue and I really think enough is enough. He also keeps his plans with her a secret infact he likes to keep a lot of what he does to himself.
If anyone can offer any advise I would really appreciate it.
Thanks
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Do you like her? Do you enjoy
Do you like her? Do you enjoy her company (or did you the last time you saw her?) If you don't like her or enjoy her company then stop worrying about being included. You are better off being excluded without having to deal with her.
As for your husband keeping things from you is that because you two argue when you find out what they are up to or when her name is mentioned? If so consider getting yourself some therapy so that you can learn to let go of your anger and frustrations. If he just keeps things from you then couples therapy might help you two to learn to trust each other again.
She is being rude and your husband is being somewhat spineless, however the alternative doesn't really sound that great. I am not sure I would want to be around someone who purposefully excluded me from their lives. If you are lucky she will perhaps mature sometime in the next ten years.
Do I like her and enjoy her
Do I like her and enjoy her company? Good question. The last time I saw her she was rude and didn't talk to me. at the moment I don't like her, I think she is spoilt and gets what she wants even when her behaviour is so poor. He needs to draw a line in th sand with her but he won't because she can do no wrong.
"The last time I saw her she
"The last time I saw her she was rude and didn't talk to me. at the moment I don't like her, I think she is spoilt and gets what she wants even when her behaviour is so poor."
Then why do you want to be around her? Your husband is doing the right thing by not forcing two people who dislike one another to interact.
Your husband is not going to stop spending time with his child simply because you do not like her.
It sounds like your DH likes
It sounds like your DH likes t omake the most of his daughter when he sees her, which isn't often. This isuue will not go away once she is an adult- even if she becomes self-supportive she will still need her dad and maybe enjoys being spoiled by him now and again. I think this is reasonable.
Although you feel side-lined and excluded I think you would be wise to keep out of it. She is rude and badly behaved- why would you want to be in her company?
My DH sees his kids without me being there anymore (and he sees his kids way more often than your DH) but I am happy knowing he is enjoying their company more and vice versa, without me being there.
Arguing will get you no where, just disengage and relax, unless he spends your money on her I can't see a problem.
Also- tell him you'd like a holiday together too, just to redress the balance if that's whats bothering you!
I understand what you are
I understand what you are saying, but when will he insist if ever that she doesn't call the shots. He always tells me that my two children don't call the shots they fit into what we are doing. Why doesn't he expect his daughter to treat me with the same respect as he expects from my children.
"He always tells me that my
"He always tells me that my two children don't call the shots they fit into what we are doing. Why doesn't he expect his daughter to treat me with the same respect as he expects from my children."
Making the choice to not interact with someone you dislike is not disrespectful.
My advice to you is going to
My advice to you is going to be the same as a couple years ago...so I'll just link to it
https://www.steptalk.org/node/210139
This young lady, almost an adult now, is no threat to you nor your marriage. The rare occasional few bits of her father's time this girl receives is so small. A lunch once every two weeks (back in 2015) , a yearly 3dy father/daughter get-away. It sounds like this upcoming trip perhaps may be in celebration of graduation . It's one week. You have this man , who dotes on you and his two stepkids all the rest of the year. For you, that's 51 out of 52 weeks a year.
Hey, why not plan a get-away for your two children the week DH is busy and take your own kids somewhere for some Mom/child boning relaxation and fun? It'd be a perfect time to do so. Your kids will have a good time and it will perhaps help you keep your mind off what will very likely be one of the final times this father/daughter get a chance for their get-aways. This young lady is going to be going off to university and then starting her own young adult life. Sure, some members will tell you, oh no, the couple will still block you out and fly away and be calling this young lady a 'mini wife' , blah blah blah. Truth though, as I see it over your posting here, that just isn't true. The girl has received such little time from her father for years will he busies himself in his marriage to you and his two stepkids, that he is not going to be much different about it once she ages out.
It is not wrong nor abnormal for a parent to want to occasionally spend a bit of time with their child or adult child. He shouldn't be badger or shamed into including you or his to stepkids on the unusually small amount of time he does see his daughter.
So much backlash for OP!
So much backlash for OP! Jeez. I think her feelings are valid. It's not the point that she wants to spend time with the SD, it's that Op wants the reassurance that she is welcome in all parts of her DH's life. There is no other situation in the world in which a wife would be deliberately excluded from a social situation and it be acceptable. (Ok, I'll admit bachelor parties but that is traditionally men only.)
Sure, her feelings are
Sure, her feelings are valid. And if she struggles with them she should see a therapist. That doesn't change the fact that her husband seeing his child out of the home on his own is probably the healthiest option for the op. She just needs to learn to deal with reality. Her husband is not going to stop running around after his child if he had failed to do so, so far. If his spending affects thier joint finances then they should deal with that. If he is keeping things from her then they should deal with that. But there is no point in chasing after invites to the daddy daughter dates when that will not be healthy, useful, productive or enjoyable by anyone. There is a long shot that as the sd matures she may realize that her stepmom is not the person that her teenage-self despises, perhaps then they can have some sort of relationship. But right now it doesn't sound like that is the reality.
I agree with this. But, no
I agree with this. But, no matter what the situation, it's rough to watch a grown child treat your SO like crap, only come around to get stuff...leave as quickly as possible once the stuff has been gotten...and then ignore him the rest of the time.
You're put in this position where you want to protect your SO from being used...but you'd be painted as the bad guy if you pointed it out.
I've had to come to peace about this with OSD21. DH is always going to think she's something special. I'm always going to see her the way 97% of the rest of the world sees her...as a lying, manipulative, sullen, sulking little black raincloud of a person. And that's OK.
If she was trying to live with us or sucking us dry or trying to use him non-stop, I'd have to put my foot down. As it is...she can use him for a free meal and some stuff every other month or so. I don't care.
Bec has never said why their
Bec has never said why their relationship is the way it is. Nor has she said how long before the marriage there may have been attempts on either side. Has never given any clue as to timeline of divorce and beginning this current relationship with the father. I can't 'judge' anything about the young lady. Except for the fact that 'something' happened (same timing of marriage) and that the teen does not visit the home nor interact with OP. With that said, *we* really do not even have any clues to what kind of father OP's husband was to the girl pre-OP.
FWIW, perhaps, yes at your SD's age of 21, it may be considered 'using Dad for a free meal grab'...but this SD in OP's case was 15, a minor. She is a senior in HS this year. Though turning 18 in weeks now, still basically a minor in high school. Having lunch once every two weeks with her father would be more like having an out of home lunch visitation. IMO, I suppose, but lunch with a 15-18yr old twice a month with your child a not using your father for a free meal.
But yes, by 21, as your SD, your SD is old enough to make her own decisions and not under any type of CO to do visitation. I do 'get' the sense of wanting to protect, but I think there comes a point , as you've realized, that one just has to let be. If the father wants to toss himself out for rejection and hurt , meh, let him go. As long as he isn't coming home with the boo-hoos expecting sympathy or pouting off in a corner making his home life with you miserable(or using anything but his personal 'fun money').
Unfortunately we only get one
Unfortunately we only get one take on the situation. For all we know dad has been a good father, or the best that he can be. Perhaps she is Pas'd because of BM. Taking this at face value so to speak and going by OP it is the daughter who wants very little to do with her dad. Also she says it is "secretive", so for all we know he sees the SD often enough. Then again, maybe not.
I empathize with OP if it is in fact outright excluding, in the very same way many of us experience. Texts that say "only the two of us" is a clear indication that sd does not want SM around. Is it justifiable? Who knows maybe SM rides a broom and offers shiny red apples. Or maybe the SD has been indoctrinated by a jealous BM...its all speculation.
OP your feelings of being excluded are valid. I totally empathize, especially if you have been like so many of us. Warm, inviting, and inclusive only to be shunned.
There really should be open and honest communication with DH.
I think that, even at 15, you
I think that, even at 15, you can use your parents for stuff...if that's the only reason you care to see them. I would say the pattern of only caring about herself and what she could get out of any given situation started early with OSD. Around 14 or 15. I don't care if it was DH's regular visitation...when OSD holes herself away in her room all weekend, refuses to do any chores...is mean and nasty to her siblings and her dad...and is just generally unhelpful and unpleasant to everyone else in the house...but comes running out when DH is going to the grocery store in order to demand XYZ or insist on her favorite flavor of ice cream...well, that's user, abusive behavior. Whether you're 14 or 40.
Now, she'll come over if there's an "offer" on the table, so to speak...or meet DH at a restaurant. But she never makes an effort to see him otherwise. And, when she does come over, she leaves at the first possible moment after the gift or meal has been given. I'm not even remotely surprised, given her behavior that went uncorrected as a child.
Just because it is feelings
Just because it is feelings being damaged and not something tangible like money doesn't make it a less distressing situation. As OP said, the SD is the one staying away from her father. Suggesting that OP seek counseling and "get over" her husband disappearing every time another person snaps their fingers is puzzling to me. It is neither the OP or her SD who is the problem, it is OP's DH. He needs to find a new way to handle the situation so that his wife feels honored and secure and the SD understands that she has her father's unconditional support but is not welcome to disrespect his wife. It's all about healthy boundaries.
How is disengaging from a
How is disengaging from a person you dislike and do not get along with disrespectful?? :?
It's disrespectful to
It's disrespectful to purposefully and openly exclude someone's spouse.
"When they go out for dinner she will say in the text message just you and me."
Sounds like the daughter has
Sounds like the daughter has been purposefully excluded for the last 3 years. What a crap deal for a teenage girl to not have much of a father for such an important part of her life. DH taught her how to exclude people so what should he and SM expect?!
I'm always amazed when parents abandon and treat their own children like crap and are surprised when they get the same treatment in return.
It's perfectly fine when the
It's perfectly fine when the SKs are being excluded. However, when they become adults and disengage, they are rude and disrespectful.
I've only read this one post
I've only read this one post and it seems that the SD is excluding herself. Is there a backstory of OP and her DH pushing SD away?
The child in this post is not
The child in this post is not even 18 yet and about to graduate from high school. OP states that SD gets in contact with her father before her birthday and holidays and then contact ceases. It sounds like SD is the one making the effort w/her father. Perhaps OP can tell us about how DH tried to keep in weekly contact w/her calling or skyping. Did DH bring her in for summers and holiday visits? How much did he, the adult parent, try to parent and spend time with his minor child?! If DH put forth little effort it's no wonder that SD doesn't know how to interact w/him except when its expected on special occasions.
I am absolutely pro SM, yet I can see how most of the problems in step families have to do w/poor or non parenting on the fathers part.
My husband is always texting
My husband is always texting and calling her, many times a week. More often than not she doesn't answer his calls and unless it's Christmas or her birthday she doesn't reply to messages. She never makes an effort to get in contact with him unless she wants something. If he hasn't seen her or heard from her he will go and watch her coach a tennis group. To which she says 'please don't come to the tennis anymore it's creepy most people arrange to meet not stalk them'
What was the father and
What was the father and daughter's relationship like before DH and you married? Was the girl visiting her father's regularly while you were dating?
If your two children saw her last Christmas of 2013, obviously SD at one time joined her father and you with your two kids some to start with. Why did she stop coming to the home?
Maybe your SD is a spoiled
Maybe your SD is a spoiled entitled brat but who allowed her to be that way? Dh of course. Their visits have excluded you for three years, and who facilitated and allowed that? Again DH. SD is a child but DH is the adult running the show deciding that it's better if you don't participate in his relationship w/his daughter.
DH is playing both sides here and he has no problem throwing SD under the bus when it comes to your marriage. He'll let you think she's the brat running the show but the flip side is he'll throw you under the bus conc SD reinforcing the wicked SM stereotype and protecting SD from having to interact w/you. He's got two women fighting for his affection and he comes out as the poor helpless man in the middle.
Disengaging from their relationship is the best thing you can do. You already don't have to spend time w/her so that part is easy, now you just need to let go of the need to be a part of their dynamic. Send DH off w/love and positive energy to have a great time. Plan to do something for yourself while he's off, don't check in to see how he's doing and don't be home when he gets back. Men hate it when you're not home waiting for them.
Your marriage and his relationship w/his daughter should be completely parallel. DH has already decided that's the way it's going to be so support him in it.
She has excluded herself, She
She has excluded herself, She has even gone as far to block her dad's number so he can't make contact with her when he called from another number she would either hang up on him or not talk until he cancelled the call.
The only relief from these
The only relief from these feelings- is to simply stop trying or wishing to be included; when you have a doormat daddee who is scared sh...less of his own adult child. You do not need to be part of this dysfunction anyway. You control what you do, they do not control you. You stay away because it is best for you.
It sounds like DH hasn't been
It sounds like DH hasn't been much of a parent to the girl if she hasn't been around much in the past 3 years, as an adult he needs to own that instead of blaming it on the kid. Maybe BM purposefully kept him away or maybe sd18 did not feel welcome in the home w/op and other children who are either half or step siblings.
Lots of fathers drift away from their children after divorce then throw money at them later to try to make it up. Some can say that sd should respect OP and DH but really there is no relationship and isn't respect earned?
I get that you want to be a part of SD's life and included but why all of a sudden when it hasn't happened at all in the last 3 years? I used to think the same thing about ss's 26 and 32 that they should respect me as DH's wife but DH is a head in the sand kinda guy. I now realize that they may never respect my position by DH's side, they don't want to include me in anything because I'm seen as taking their mothers place. DH is free to go and do whatever he wants and whenever w/ss's. I purposefully exclude myself now because I know i'll feel better doing something else rather than hanging out w/them and being ignored. I thought we could all be friends and care about eachother in a familial kind of way but I've given up that pipe dream in favor of my sanity.
ETA: Be thankful that she's not pregnant and moving in w/her stoner boyfriend in tow. I have a friend who is dealing w/just this. Things can always be worse!
I think it's OP who didn't
I think it's OP who didn't see SD for 3 years. Dad has been seeing his DD. In some previous posts from
awhile back dad has been seeing SD every few days. She just doesn't come by the house or when SM is around
He has tried to be a good
He has tried to be a good parent to his daughter, she is the one who doesn't want anything to do with him or me. Granted she has been poisoned by her mother when she was 13 or so. My husbands pays child support, spousal support, their health insurance all school related expenses plus extra curricular expenses. So to say that he doesn't want to be involved is incorrect. She makes comments when he goes to see her like stop stalking me. We have been together for 7 years, married for 4 so when can I expect that he will say to her that I am his wife and would like to be included. When will he draw a line in the sand and stop chasing after a girl who is only after what she can get from him and has no interest in having a real with him. Of course I am jealous why should I be happy about them going away this time to New Zealand last time to Hawaii, I include him m and what him involved in all the things that my children do. They want him there and he is never excluded.
I think you should consider
I think you should consider this. She is your DHs daughter and not your stepdaughter. She is like a relative you seldom see or interact with. There is actually no legal position for you. Stepmother or stepdaughter. Both of you have no legal requirement other than to not commit crimes upon the other person.
If DH suddenly died you are under no legal obligation to inform or discuss any plans with SD. And that is something you may want to discuss with your DH. I would tell him that you are not part of SDs life and this is the way she wants it and you are OK with this. However if something happened to him like an accident or sudden fatality, how are you supposed to approach his daughter if she refuses to talk to you? Take out a notice in the Personals column? Send a certified letter? What? Also his daughter is nearly an adult and that comes with certain expectations. OK so she doesn't really know you. So you would like to get to the stage where she can at least say "Hi Bec/Bye Bec/Is Dad there Bec?/Thanks Bec" This is what adults do. I expect this from my adult children and my adult stepsons.
That being said she will probably always see you as Dads wife and not her stepmother. It has taken 13 yrs for my stepsons to see me as something more than their fathers wife. Blended families (if it works at all) can take up to 7 yrs to blend. Some never happen.
This young lady has had you as a stepmother from the time she was 15. Not 5. Not 5 mths. Adult blended families are always difficult. Each side has their own way of doing things and why fix it if it isn't broken? Right? I suspect she spends the majority of her time with her mother. And it would be up to your DH to reach out and try harder to contact her. As for the trip to NZ ... well just make sure his life insurance is paid and his Will is in your favour. I am a Kiwi and I love my country but every place has its dangers. Trekking and kayaking sounds awesome but the NZ bush can be unforgiving even in summer.
Personally, since you don't
Personally, since you don't like her, it sounds like a win win situation. Dad gets to see his kid, you don't have too. Would work for me.
I think the biggest problem
I think the biggest problem for me is that your DH keeps things a secret from you and also allows his daughter to be disrespectful to you. His daughter doesn't have to like you, but she does need to respect you. I don't really like my SIL, but I go to events when she'll be there. She and I are civil to one another and I don't think anyone in DH's family knows how I feel. I do that because that's what expected of me as part of DH's family, that I'll be cordial to his family, even if I don't like them.
I also think the fact that his daughter doesn't come around, but that he still takes her on trips is questionable. Sounds like he doesn't want to address whatever issues exist. One of my SSs is heading in the direction where he may stop coming around (due to BM engaging in some PA), but if he decides not to come around for every day life, then I don't think he should be rewarded with things like gifts and trips. I know it's probably difficult for a non-custodial parent, but they still need to insist on respect for themselves and their spouses. Your SD not coming around is also disrespectful to her father.
Sometimes I wish my DH stop
Sometimes I wish my DH stop begging me to drag everywhere with him when he sees SDs. I'd like some "me"
time. Enjoy your time with your kids and take them on
Vacation. Be glad he doesn't beg you to join them every time
SD doesn't live in your home,
SD doesn't live in your home, or even come over for visitation. You don't support her financially. You have no relationship with her. You don't like her. So please explain why you think SD should only be able to see her father is you are included? I'm trying to figure out if there is a reason beyond jealousy, because from your explanation it seems like the case of you wanting to prove you as the wife have status over her as the daughter.
Why shouldn't a wife (or
Why shouldn't a wife (or husband) enjoy a "privileged" status with their spouse?
Our job as parents is to raise functional and well adjust adults then boot those adults out into the world to find partners, raise kids, be happy. Our job with our adult partners is to continue to grow a deep and lasting bond of affection, trust and common goals.
This SD, while maybe being legally a minor, should be socially mature enough to know what she is doing. She knows asking for a man to leave his wife out is rude beyond belief. That's why she does it, because she's testing her power with her dad and he's giving her power instead of treating her like the spoiled, graceless little brat that she's acting.
She wants to spend time alone
She wants to spend time alone with her father. Sounds like he likes it that way too. Probably because he likes to avoid hearing about what a spoiled, graceless little brat his child is when she is forced into spend time with a virtual stranger who only wants to be there to prove she is in charge.
Yes, the Disney dad and the
Yes, the Disney dad and the spoiled brat he's raised aren't the problem, it's the stepmom who has the audacity to mention her unhappiness. How dare she.
Exactly.
Exactly.
If she really wanted to spend
If she really wanted to spend time with him and have a holiday why not maintain contact throughout the year instead of only making contact when it's her birthday. When she does this my husband feels like things are on the improve but it's just her way of manipulating him and causing trouble here. After their trip I predict what will happen, she won't contact him he will become moody and withdrawn and I am left to try and help him because his daughter continues to behave this way. I did say to him to use the trip as a carrot and when her communication improves then go away but he is rewarding her atrocious behaviour and that's not ok. He needs to get a backbone when it comes to her and she needs to know that she doesn't call the shots.
You have no control over his
You have no control over his behavior or hers. You can't control her motivations or his responses. The only things you can control are your own feelings and actions.
You are feeling outrage on behalf of your DH for what you see are slights by SD against him. But she treats him is how he lets her treat him. Nothing you say or do will change their dynamic or make things better. You may think you have a part to play in their drama, but you don't. Go sit in the audience and watch the show, or better yet just read the plot summary on Wikipedia and then go do something that isn't a complete waste of energy. Trust me on this. You will be much, much happier if, instead of insisting that you be included in the relationship, you instead back way the hell away from it.
You are minimally impacted by the situation, so stop letting it affect you. If your DH gets moody and withdrawn when SD doesn't contact him, let him whine and mope. If he says anything about it to you, you simply say "that really is too bad, dear." Let him deal with his own issues while you go off doing literally *anything else* in the entire world that doesn't involve their crazy pants relationship.
I am right on this one. If you take this advice I promise you will find peace.
I never see her because she
I never see her because she insists on it and he for the last 3 years never disagrees or stands up for me when she outlines who can and can't come to dinner.
When will he realise that she
When will he realise that she is manipulating him and she will know, so will her mum that this is causing and issue here.