Raising an incompetent child - DH does everything for his child
My DH caters to my 13 year olds' EVERY need when she is visiting. It drives me absolutely insane. She is perfectly capable of these age appropriate things and I'm wondering what I should do (other than point it out which hasn't helped)....I think parents should provide (reasonable) natural consequences for your teens so they learn how to navigate through life. How will she feel the self confidence from doing things for herself if he's so quick to do them for her? I think he's making her social anxiety or other un-diagnosed mental disability worse. (And he refuses to acknowledge she needs to be evaluated medically so that's a dead end).
Here is a typical day when she's visiting:
Making her breakfast
Picking out her clothes
Reminding her to take vitamins and brush her teeth
Asking if she turned off lights/electronics in her bedroom
Ordering her food for her at a restaurant
Basically guiding her every move throughout the day
Reminding her to take a shower and brush her teeth
Tucking her in with her comforting stuffed animal of choice
I can see this for maybe a 3-5 year old, but 13? NO WAY. Thoughts?
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Yes I have mentioned letting
Yes I have mentioned letting her learn things and do things for herself and he says sometimes "its just easier" to do them for her. It's like talking to a brick wall. Occasionally he will agree with my suggestion to let her be self sufficient but the moment he sees her stumble he swoops in to save her and the lesson is gone! And I don't mean anything that could cause her harm, these are basic things! Irritating as f*ck.
Some of what he is doing is
Some of what he is doing is ok and some is overkill.
Here is a typical day when she's visiting:
Making her breakfast - No problem with this. Especially if she isn't a daily resident and doesn't know what is/is not ok to prepare.
Picking out her clothes - Not sure about this unless he is helping her find clothes that she may not know where they were last put or in the laundry.
Reminding her to take vitamins and brush her teeth - This is no big deal. Even teens can be ditzy and he like to do things like this to feel like he is doing the parenting role.
Asking if she turned off lights/electronics in her bedroom - like the above one.. he is exerting parenting muscle and maybe she is not in the habit. I would not have an issue with this at all.
Ordering her food for her at a restaurant - Again, there could be a legit reason like he is setting the parameters for what he wants to spend. She also could be shyer and may not be comfortable speaking to the wait staff. This could also be just from habit with him.
Basically guiding her every move throughout the day - if this is again about the teeth/showering etc.. he may need to remind her if she is not in the same habits she is at her mothers house. My stepkids would ask if/when they could shower because they knew it was bad news if they did so when one of the adults normally took one. (run out of hot water etc).
Reminding her to take a shower and brush her teeth
Tucking her in with her comforting stuffed animal of choice. - I know it sounds babyish, but he may WANT her to still be that little girl and is still doing it even though she is old enough to not need it. If he doesn't have custody a lot (like an EOWE dad).. he may do more because he is trying to make up for lost time to a certain extent.
One thing that you need to be very careful of is that it sounds like you may be approaching him about this in a way that he sees as an attack on his "little girl". It's not working is it? He is getting defensive and digging in even more that he is treating her just fine. I might not make too big of a deal about it, nothing seems to be particularly harmful to her and she honestly will most likely put a stop to certain things like the tuck ins and picking out her clothes soon enough.
Thank you ESMOD. Here are
Thank you ESMOD. Here are responses to your valid observations.
breakfast-even when she has cereal he pours her milk. She cannot cook anything, not even toast.
clothes-if he didn't pick them out she would wear the same outfit, even if dirty!
ordering food - it is not a budgeting issue I can promise that, it is more of a crutch for her crippling social skills
shower reminders- hot water isn't the issue. Her lack of hygiene is. She wouldn't shower if he didn't make her
tucking in-I understand him wanting to still have that "little girl" but I must wonder when the coddling will slow down or stop?
If she is a little behind and
If she is a little behind and both her parents do things for her, it will likely take longer, but she will probably stop some of this on her own when she gets tired of being treated like a baby. Seriously what 17 yo girl wants her dad picking her outfit!
Lets hope you are right!!??
Lets hope you are right!!?? It seems insurmountable at this point. It also doesn't help that my BS is so far ahead of his peers in terms of being self sufficient so I'm guilty of comparing them but it's natural to do that to a degree to gain a point of developmental reference, right?
It's painful to watch her being coddled into her teenage years. Is mommy going to change her maxi pads for her too? Ok now I'm just venting. Sorry!
I know.. it's funny though
I know.. it's funny though sometimes one kid is just a bit more daring and confident than the other. With my two, the younger girl was much more sensible and self sufficient than her sister. Litterally when the older one was 12 and the younger one was only 8, it was the younger girl who was really in charge if we left them to run an errand.
I remember one trip we took the YSD with us when the older girl was maybe 16 or 17. She called us to ask her sister how you made a grilled cheese sandwich in the george foreman grill. So here is this 12 yo giving her sister instructions. haha.
So, while you may have raised your BS to be more self sufficient... and he had that aptitude, for a variety of reasons your SD may not have gotten that same treatment from her parents and may not be as advanced just naturally. I think it can correct over time.
I appreciate your feedback
I appreciate your feedback and hope you have psychic abilities and she will be doing things on her own sooner than later. You are correct in the statement out children were raised differently with 2 vastly different parental styles and that is for sure a factor here other than genetics.
I'd be hesitant to change any
I'd be hesitant to change any of this, some kids are just not developmentally "there" at 13 plus some teens are lazy and still need to be reminded constantly to get their butt in gear, or it might be something that comforts both of them, since they can't be together all the time. I can see it being irritating listening to it, but it's not affecting you personally, you can put some earphones on and ignore them, so I say keep your mouth shut. And really, it could be worse, he could expect you to make her breakfast and tuck her in).
yes they do everything for
they will never tell their daughters what to do, and beware if you dare, cause then you hate the special snow flake..
but then... they can quickly tell you NO, do this or do that, or decide on your behalf what's good for you according to them..
they treat their daughters like their wives and they treat their wives like little toddlers who must learn to help themselves...
Acra is bang on!! Its just
Acra is bang on!! Its just ridiculous but soo true of disney dads. I still remember cringing when SD was 14 and would call her Dad. His tone..just..ewwww!! It was the tone used by lovers. His voice would deepen with intense emotion and would be all syrupy and melting. Gawd it drove me crazy.
Men that treat their daughters like their wives and wives like their child should never get into another relationship. What they should do instead is save the world from all the bulshit sucky parenting and just et up camp in exes front or back yard so they can always be at their beck and call. The exes don't want them back..but they wanna keep the control. Flamin spineless, balless wonders.
Literally the funniest and
Literally the funniest and best comment yet LOL. Thank you