Well at least he's being honest. You and your daughter can just go lump it as far as he is concerned.

I really feel so sorry for your daughter. You can eventually move on and get over his rejection. Your daughter is always going to deal with a father who doesn't really give a damn about her. That's the real tragedy.

Why did this man choose to have another child if he's just going to be up SS's butt for the rest of his life?

File for full custody and supervised visitation. Show the court your texts that the baby was in the hospital but your DH chose to stay with his healthy and safe son and BM. Clearly he will not make good decisions about her care if SS is around.

If he is THAT concerned with BM's ability to take care of SS, then your DH should have moved mountains to get full custody a LONG time ago. I see this is as him using SS as a convenient excuse, because he doesn't want to make waves with BM.

I really dislike your DH.

You mentioned in your hurricane evac post that BM has a boyfriend you didn't know existed. Id this a new relationship for BM? Spending an overnight/weekend with a new boyfriend could be a small ray of sunshine in your BM ordeal.

If it's new and takes off, she might have to pull back some from being your DH's BFF. Many men are going to view the DH/BM thing similar to what you do. Why is my GF up her ex's *ss and playing 'happy family'.

Another ray of sunshine is SS is in HS. Come 18 and off to college your DH will have no excuse for racing to the side of a full grown adult. You've said the main problem is BM and SS. SS is his son, he is responsible for SS as a minor, but the 'minor' isn't a minor for much longer. Yes, SS well always be a part of your DH's life, SS will very likely stop being a responsibility priority as he takes off and begins his own life as an adult. If your Dh means that at age 22 SS will still be as large of a priority as DH places on him currently verses what his then middle school age daughter will and should be, you've got a major problem.

If the intention is to complete raising his son and sending him off into the world as a grown young man ready to begin life with a education career path and a 'good luck, son' , the SS issue should become more tolerable .

That leaves the BM problem. Is this her first BF since divorce that she has been serious with (or at least serous enough to spend night with )? I am wondering if it is. I wouldn't think if she has had this BF for very long she would have been plastering all those 'happy family' photos from Disney. If you didn't like the 'too close' display, neither would a BF of hers, right?

Are you going to try marriage counseling? It might give you a route to explore your feelings and what you see your future as. Whether or not you wish to continue it with DH. It might also help DH see how the BM as his BFF is inappropriate and disrespectful to his new marriage and wife. Therapy is a risk. You take the change of learning somethings about yourself you may not be aware of or feel you are justified in while a therapist may enlighten you that is not healthy for you and/or your relationship (this one or any future one) and same on DH's part. No woman is going to want to be second place to his ex or to be made to think the second child is inferior to a first child.

Maybe you'd like to start with individual therapy and discover if you want to 'fight' for your current marriage before you and DH go any deeper into trying marriage counseling.

Laney I have read many of your posts and I can not remember if I commented on them. I think it is really great that your talked to DH and in return he was honest with you. I do not think that he was trying to be mean or do anything to intentionally upset you. There are many ways to look at this situation and I think your distaste for the BM is clouding how you see things at times.

The positive side of this is that he trusts you and knows that his daughter is safe in you care and well taken care of and that gives him some peace of mind while he is trying to provide for his other child as well. If the BM is really that irresponsible he may have felt he had no choice in this matter. Try to see it from his perspective as well. If you had another child that needed you and your ex was a total waste but making it impossible for you to take that child or do anything for him would you trust your DH to take your daughter to safety. That is just one way to look at this situation.

I think if you and him try really hard to communicate things that upset you and make it clear to him why it is upsetting you, you can make plans to ensure it does not happen again together. No one is perfect in this world and we are all human and make a million and one mistakes that sometimes without even trying hurt those around us. I do not think that your DH is trying to hurt you or upset you or make you and daughter feel as though he does not want you but he is split in two on what to do best for his son and what to do best for you. Blended families are not easy and take time to work and get to a happy routine and there will always be bumps.

Keep communicating about things that upset you and upset him and try to make a plan moving forward so that it does not happen again. Best of luck.

Yup, time to go talk to a divorce attorney. "Put SS first" NO you need to put YOUR child first.

Step life is tough. Personally I did not find your husband's response that outrageous during the evacuation ordeal, he did not handle it the best way but in an emergency situation he was pressured and did what he thought was best. I did find his school trip with BM more concerning as there was plenty of time to think things through and make a clear minded decision.

Did your husband acknowledge your feelings towards BM? My husband did not really take my discomfort with BM seriously until she attacked me in our home (in front of sd) and I called the cops on her. It was only then that he actively worked at keeping us apart. Personally there is nothing that would make me spend time with BM, nothing is worth it to me, even future weddings etc I am willing to miss as I do not want that conflict in my life. In an emergency I would do what was needed until BM showed up but then she can do her thing and I will leave. If and only if some time in the future she approaches me and apologizes for her past behavior, thanks me for what I have done for her daughter and asks that we start again I may choose to cautiously re-engage with her and attend events where she is if she seems genuine.

Your husband's dismissal of your feelings as jealousy and insecurity is sexist defensive crap. I can kind of understand his position in some circumstances (he will need to be with ss over you and dd) but in others you and your daughter need to come first. If he had some understanding or compassion the conversation could have covered the same ground but ended with you feeling acknowledged and cared for. I don't know if his problem is a lack of compassion, lack of insight or poor communication skils. Perhaps a therapist could help you work this out.

I don't know how many of you here have ever had to evacuate for a hurricane, but it can be totally insane. The longer you wait to leave, the more hair-raising it is. My issue is Laney's DH putting his wife and toddler on the road in a dangerous situation because BM may or may not make decent choices. Who needed him more? How about the woman he's married to and his toddler daughter.

I feel sorry for both of you, most men do not admit their wife and dd are not a priorities, so at least he is honest...I would tell him we were both going to see a marital counselor because you and HIS dd were not going to be second to anybody, that includes your SS.

Let his SS help him may the house payments, etc., then, and buy him a blow up doll for Christmas because that is all he would ever get from me again.

In a marriage, the WIFE is the priority. That is part of his marriage vows....if he does not want to take his vows seriously, neither should you.

There is NO choice to be made here.

And he pulled $1000 from their joint account when she was on the road, paying hotel bills, food, medicine, and an EMERGENCY ROOM COPAY for HIS kid. With people being stranded out there and her lack of funds (other than a credit card?) I'd be pretry sore with him.

So his *kids* come first and by kids he means SS. SS is top priority kidwise and BM's needs are #1 when it comes to spouses(ex). He's says BM won't make wise choices in an emergency; I'm wondering what terrible choice she made? She planned to take ss to a shelter where thousands of other parents were too. Were all of those parents making terrible decisions as well? From what I saw on the news it seemed like there was no totally safe place. You could evacuate and be possibly be stranded or cram in a shelter w/other people. Like others have stated, if he's so concerned about BM's decisions then he should have went for full custody long ago, it really sounds like an excuse and you're expected to jump on board.

It's disheartening to know that you and dd are pretty much on your own if anything happens. I agree that he's responsbile for ss and should make sure he's safe but it seems like that's all he cared about while you and dd were alone and suffering. Luckily you're a strong woman and seem pretty self sufficient. I know I would be pretty angry in your shoes. Telling you to suck it up and put ss first, screw his own daughter...wow.

Agree w/above comments about gaslighting. You're entitled to your feelings and most of us would feel the same way had our DH abandoned us in an emergency. At least your eyes are wide open now and you know how your husband truly feels about you and your daughter.

Well clearly BM can't be entrusted to make rational decisions in the event of an emergency, and thus needs your DH there to make sure she doesn't do something stupid. Although I am trying to figure out exactly what those hypothetical stupid decisions might be? It seems to me that, when faced with a dilemma in an emergency situation, any semi-functioning adult would be able to easily choose the option that translates into "least likely to cause my death". That is of course unless the adult has some sort of developmental delay. If that is the case it is amazing your SS survived to live into his teenage years with a mother like that. Your DH probably should then just remarry her so he can be there every day to make sure his son makes it to 18.

I'm just not feeling the arguments that DH needed to "protect" SS because he feels BM is an incompetent moron (but ONLY in a natural disaster situation apparently) BM and SS were AT A SHELTER. SHELTERS are staffed with MANY competent people, it's not a freaking free for all and shelters are generally in a very large building such as a school or stadium where the potential for damage to the building is minimal.

His arguments for wanting to "protect" SS are simply dumb and invalid (in my opinion) especially while his wife is out on the highway with his 2 year old, with a plan to "drive North" and nothing more. W.T.F? :?

When he took out most of the cash and did not tell you while leaving you and his daughter to your own Devices to get away from the storm....well....that combination of putting the two of you aside is VERY telling.

You both will always come last. If BM is such a dangerous parent...why has he not gone for full custody?

I basically see this as him trying to gaslight you.

His kids are the most important thing to him and SS needed him. What is wrong with you for not seeing that?
You could have gone with him, but you are jealous and insecure and so it's your fault that you were left to fend for yourself.

Whether he's a good man or not isn't the debate.

He's not the right man for you.

The right man would not desert you and the child you have together. The right man wouldn't make you feel like you are the one who is in the wrong in this situation.
The right man would have found a way to protect you and BOTH of his children.

I'm sorry your in this situation. Marriage counseling may help but people show their loyalties when there is a crisis.
He's plainly shown you where his priority's lay. Believe the person he's shown himself to be.

I don't really know what to think about this situation in total, but I have a few other thoughts in regards to other comments:

It could be that DH feels BM is competent in most areas except maybe large-scale emergencies. Unless there are large-scale disasters in the area every day, no judge is going to change the custody arrangement or claim BM is an incompetent parent. In my state, a judge would be more likely to tell a BD that he had better figure out how he's going to assist both BM and hid kids during an emergency because it's his "job".

We see it time and again on here where judges won't "rip kids away from their mothers" for far more heinous crimes. Heck, some will give temporary full custody to BD, who has zero history of any issues, while a BM is in jail or rehab, only to then whisk the kids back to BM when she's "better". The deck is stacked against dads most of the time, and DH may have a goof suspicion that he'd waste thousands of dollars in court fees trying to prove that...what...BM *may* not be competent *maybe* once every year, with zero proof to show it to be true?

So DH doesn't file for full custody. Disaster strikes. He doesn't trust BM, isn't going to get anything legally change in the emergent time, and has been told not to take SS (which could result in kidnapping charges at the worst, contempt at the least). His option, then, is to ensure his son is safe where he is because DH has limited legal recourse to save his son in the way that would be most practical/safest.

DH is in a pickle. He can't leave, but his wife won't stay (for many a good reason). He either sacrifices his son or his wife and daughter. Knowing that wife and daughter are getting away from the storm, he leaves her knowing she is capable and safer away.

He's in the middle of a hurricane when his daughter gets sick. She is 500ish miles away. He can't get to her, even if he wants to. He physically can't get there in the storm without risking himself and, in his mind, his son. Jis daughter is in the hospital. It's not life threatening. The storm, however, is. What is he supposed to do?

I'm not saying he made all the right decisions, but I can totally see his logic. I can also understand the OP's frustration, fear, and anger. However, I don't think either is being fair to the other. OP wants to be the first priority all the time, and she won't always be. This was a situation of split priorities, and BM made it very clear that she didn't perceive the storm to be a great enough threat to allow her son to leave with his father during an evacuation order. OP's first instinct was to run. Their two different reactions to this situation solidify to me that DH really felt his son was in danger and had proof that BM wasn't taking the situation seriously enough. He protected the person who needed it most, and during the storm, it was SS.

I am not touching this one with a 10ft pole.

Did BM ask DH to stay with them at the shelter? Apparently she's "nice" and they get along and all but did DH even consider that she may have not even wanted him there or am I missing something?

This is one of those times I wish the DH could step in and give his story. On one hand it seems that he may have felt backed into a corner by OP. His suggestion of all of them evacuating was shot down. He may have felt a little bit resentful over that and that resentment may have affected his later actions. On the other hand, this is not the only time he has disregarded OP's feelings in favor of SS and, by extension, BM (Disney trip). I think this couple needs some serious counseling in order to move forward from this. If DH truly feels that OP is just insecure and jealous then he is never going to be able to "hear" her where SS and/or BM are involved. Counseling may help this couple open the lines of communication and see each other's viewpoints. Or it might reveal that DH is not truly invested in this marriage.

Why didn't DH insist OP go with him to BM"s?

Agree with those that said he just gas lighted you. He sure as shit did.

Leave him and take care of you and your toddler. This pathetic "husbaand" is only loyal to SS and BM. He did not marry you for better or worse cuz when worse hit..where was he? I'd want my husband by my side, particularly in life threatening situations. You guys could have been seriously injured or worse..killed out there and he just showed you how much he cared..oh wait..he didnt.

Love yourself and your toddler more. There is happiness in your future..being with a man who doesnt prioritize you will only bring you pain. He does not deserve you.

Why are two working adults have so little money in the bank?

Why is an adult traveling for emergency with no saving account card or checks of credit cards?

Why doesn't working adult know how much is ER copay?

Etc etc etc etc

Why are grown women are so reliant on men that they can't function in emergency unless their man is by their side?

Etc etc etc