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Estranged Step-son

amylynn411's picture

Submitted by amylynn411 on Thu, 11/02/2017 - 12:39pm

Hello all,

First I would like to thank you for reading my post. Now, to make a long story short I am married to a great man and we have two kids together, 4 yrs and 1 1/2 years old. I also have a step-son that is 10 years old and has been estranged for the past two years due to parental alienation, his ex is very psychotic and she feeds their son information that kids should not hear. His son started getting angry with my husband and then did not want anything to do with us. He stated that my husband was "dead to him". Wow is all i have to say. But,in the meantime my step son has also quit talking to my in-laws and I'm not sure why but before that happened when he he did speak with them all my step son could say is hurtful thinks about My husband, myself and my one child (he as never met his 2nd brother) Now, two years have gone by and now he is starting to re-enter our life. My husband has met up with him a few times within the last months. I am not sure how to re-introduce my 4 year old to my step-son with out confusing him. I need advice. I also, am feeling so much anger and resentment that I cant get my-self to see him and cant imagine what I would do if and when i see him. I dont think i could ever treat or care for him the same. He has said so much hurtful stuff about my son, me and my husband...I just dont know what to do. Any help would be great.

Thank you!

Comments

lieutenant_dad's picture

Submitted by lieutenant_dad on Thu, 11/02/2017 - 1:01pm

I give kids passes when they are PASed from another parent. Not with everything, but at the very least with words. I always try to remember that those words are the product of serious psychological abuse by an adult. That doesn't make them any less hurtful, but I try to tie it back to the ADULT who said it and look at the kid as the mouthpiece.

That said, how long has SS been back? Has his behavior changed? Does your DH have a plan if the hatefulness starts again? I wouldn't reintroduce his siblings until your DH is certain that his son is sticking around. Additionally, I would recommended spending some time with SS to see what his personality is like and have a better idea of WHEN would be a good time to re-introduce and HOW.

If you aren't interested in doing that, I would recommend doing a short group outing where SS may be more likely to behave and you can distract your kids if things go downhill. I would tell your four year old that this is his brother, he was living with his mom for a long time, and now he is spending more time with his dad. I wouldn't mention the PAS and just keep it at SS getting to spend time with dad just like he does.

It is also a good idea to tell your DH what you will and won't expose your children to. If SS is outright mean, your kids won't see him so long as you have a say. If your DH doesn't like that, he will need to end your marriage. Make it THAT severe a consequence so that your DH keeps your SS in line if all his thoughts and feelings aren't PAS-related.

amylynn411's picture

Submitted by amylynn411 on Thu, 11/02/2017 - 1:30pm

Thanks for the advise. It is such a complicated situation. My husband has had 5 or so private visits with his son within the past month and said that they have had conversations about all has went down and his behavior is better and that his son really wants to see his brother. I told my husband that we can sit down and talk to our 4 year old about it and maybe plan a visit with just my husband, SS and my son. Personally i am not ready to see him and I'm not sure when I could.

still learning's picture

Submitted by still learning on Thu, 11/02/2017 - 1:23pm

Not the kids fault, he's only parroting what his mother has told him. But where has dad been for the past 2 years. ss has a new brother he's not met in that time. Can you imagine how angry ss must be, he hasn't seen his dad in years and dad has been busy making and raising new kids. Did dad try to gain visitation w/him? If so why wasn't it granted?

It sounds like your husband let things go on w/out much action on his part for a long time. I can understand being estranged from an adult child but not 10 yr old.

amylynn411's picture

Submitted by amylynn411 on Thu, 11/02/2017 - 1:32pm

Thank you for responding to my post. It is a very complicated situation but I absolutely understand where you are coming from. My question now is what are the next steps, when to reintroduce my son with SS? Thank you!

still learning's picture

Submitted by still learning on Thu, 11/02/2017 - 5:21pm

I'd keep the primary visitation w/dad and do short dates w/your son included. Have all the guys go out for ice cream or to the arcade. Keep it short and sweet at first and go from there.

Acratopotes's picture

Submitted by Acratopotes on Fri, 11/03/2017 - 2:07am

Put the past behind you, this kid was 8 when he cut contact, all his mother's fault you can't blame him.

Let him and his father sort out there differences, stay out of it, when the time is right, you meet at parks or movies or where ever, just not at home, after a couple off meets in public places, SS can visit at home, but not sleep over yet, maybe after the 4th home visit only and for one night only...

Take it one day at a time, do not engage with him on parenting issues or discipline, treat him like you would treat the neighbors kids, be friendly and polite, DH can parent him and make sure he behaves, keep in mind this kid got poisoned by his mother to hate you and DH... maybe now he's older he's realizing it... but take it slow, BM can at any time cause crap again