I had a look at the site. "Turn your step family into a BONUS family" seems to be their strap line. OMG, barf, or what? If I had to spend a holiday with NPD BM (TG in the UK we don't have Thanksgiving) I'd lose the will to live. Tbh, I'd just never agree to it in the first place. I don't think this is an actual letter from a real step mother anyhow - it's probably just a made-up one - no step mother would be that effing stupid.

I don't know if this exact clip is the best example of your feelings.

The person clearly identifies that dad is not the one sending the invite but the in-laws. I understand SM position about being uncomfortable about this but we lack enough information to tell what's really going on in this case. Either way it's not really up to her or dad if BM is invited or not and in many cases in-laws might maintain a relationship with the Ex for all sorts of reasons including seeing this person as the mother of their grandchildren.

Basically there is way to little information here. I'd like to share an example.

My parents where married almost 25 years when they divorced. My dad's family made sure to very clearly tell my mom she was still 100% apart of the family no matter what was going on with my dad. Even when my mom had essential cut off all communication with my dad my grandparents still cared for her, called her, and ensured she knew she was welcome. Why was this the case? Because my mother is a daughter to them after that long. Yes even as an adult it was very odd to be at my grandparents and see both my now divorced parents present.... What was even more odd was to see my grandfather clearly tell my dad that he screwed up big time.....

We have no clue why BM and BD in this case split. We don't know how old the kids are and honestly we don't know how the rest of the family feels. Maybe the feel odd because of how SM behaves? Maybe this tradition of both parents being present even if divorced has been going on for years.

I think the very end is the hardest part. Of course it's once more telling the SM to put the kids first and yes as we all know that may not be possible but maybe it is. Who knows.

I have had to be in social situations with meth ex (school recitals, ballet recitals, plays) and it was simple to ignore her and pretend she was just another body in the crowd. In a family gathering thankfully none of DH's family lives here, and none of them ever liked meth ex anyway.

DH's parents are divorced and have been for a very long time, almost 32 years in fact. DH went for a visit and his mom hosted a BBQ and told DH to invite his dad and wife, she even offered to leave her home and BBQ for a few hours while his dad and wife were there if it made them uncomfortable. DH's dad was okay with that, but the wife was livid and refused to allow DH's dad to go. Personally in that instance I felt the wife (SM) was in the wrong. DH ended up leaving the BBQ for a few hours to meet up with his dad and the wife to have a drink at a local bar so that he could see his dad for a bit. Personally the wife (SM) does really get uppity over my DH and his brother who are all grown adults and she married the dad after kids were all grown adults. I used to like her until she pulled some absolute BS about telling DH he needed to be a better son to his father and come visit more and call more and yet she won't allow his dad to come visit us because they have horses and she can't take care of them alone. After that I really don't communicate with her. I mean I understand being a SM can be hard, but DH and his brother have always been nice to her and have never treated her poorly. Yet she has a huge chip on her shoulder about DH and his brother for some reason.

I have stayed very close to my ex SIL in the 25 years since she and my brother have been divorced. As were my parents while they were still alive

But NONE of us EVER expected my brothers wife to attend any function with her husband’s ex. That is just, rude, crude and socially unacceptable.

If a mutual child is having a huge moment, such as graduating from high school, college, getting married, just had a baby, or G-d forbid is very sick- those are the only moments that I can think of that really make sense for divorced people to hang out together if they have new spouses. In those types of situation, everyone should make nice.

Holidays that happen every year, birthdays, etc... those you can do separately.

I can't wait until my child with my ex is old enough that I don't have to talk to him about anything anymore. One more year!!!!

Can't imagine showing up at all of their family holidays even if I were invited. I wouldn't want to be there. Some of these BMs have no pride, and the DHs have no sensitivity to their wives. Those types aren't fit to have second marriages.

The ex etiquette blog ladies are nuttier than 100 fruitcakes. Their mantra that they constantly repeat is that EVERYTHING must be done with the overall theme that the children come first. Always and evermore. Doesn’t matter if the “children” are in their 50s and the divorced parents are in nursing homes on life support. All life decisions must be based on what is best for the children.

We were faced with a similar situation this year when OSD decided to host Thanksgiving at her new home. She invited us.... but also invited her mom and her BF.

Now, backstory is that I really dislike family holiday functions... my family..your family. I don't care... don't like them... torturous.

So, add to that the difficulty level 100 of having to sit at the same table as your DH's EX. Someone who has caused a lot of stress in your household and has said horrible things to you in the past.

Nope.. nein, non. Not happening. My DH was in complete agreement. It's not that he dislikes his daughter, but he doesn't want spend time with his EX either.

MIL gets all teary and how "family should be together".. blah blah blah and how the EX has done way more to HER than to ME... so I should be able to just suck it up.

No. Lady, we have and had a different relationship with the EX. She didn't sleep with your husband. Thanksgiving dinner isn't life or death. It's not once in a lifetime wedding (which I DID go to).. 22 yo OSD has unrealistic expectations if she thinks her dad and I are going to voluntarily spend time with his EX.

So, the same way I didn't attend showers for her baby etc (but sent gifts).. if she includes her mother.. then she is excluding her father.

I mean, I guess if your family wants to maintain relationships with their family's ex spouse.. fine. But don't expect your family member to want to be around while you do it.

You know what's funny. I keep seeing how "everything has to be for the children first."

If it was that way for all parties involved we wouldn't have these issues.

If BM wasn't an insane vindictive b*tch just out for money then there wouldn't be fights in court over who gets the kids when. If BD wasn't running around the country chasing tail then the kids wouldn't feel ignored.

If everyone did put the kids first then splitting Christmas wouldn't be such a big deal.

The thing is that in this case it's only step-parents who are expected to put the children first and completely ignoring the fact that many times bio-parents are the first failures to this. If BM was polite and respectful which is putting the kids first then more SM's wouldn't have issues sitting down together for a ball game.

Just a thought.

Nope. Not worth it. My hubby tried to do this our first year...not holidays but bbq’s. Turned into such a joke that has now gone on for eight years. Forcing the get together never works.

Ex and I did a combo college graduation party for our daughter....never again...awkward .

Our son is graduating high school next year. Not doing a combo party. I have no idea what he will be doing for his son but he and his parents are not invited to the party I am throwing for my son. We just want to have a fun time and not an awkward time.

shrink Are people who can’t get real jobs, if you get to know them on a personal level, you find out they are nuts. Or nuttier then I am.

Don’t listen to them. Don’t let them play Happy Family. It’s not for the kids, it’s for them

Quote: "According to the rules of good ex-etiquette, the ex shouldn’t be invited to every family get-together, but holidays are understandable if the children are also present."

There are rules of ex-etiquette, what the shit? Did anyone get an SM handbook on how to deal with the hot mess of baggage, Disney Dads, BioHos and assorted soul-sucking drama? Stupid blog and a stupider website. We're expected to hold hands and sing kum baya with the baggage now as well as look after their kids for them, thanks but no thanks

Gross.

Barf.

This is the crap my MIL spews. “The only thing that matters is the children.” Which basically means skid. Eff me, eff our marriage, eff our bios. This is code speak for keeping BM in the forefront.

Is this shrink for real!???? Cheese and rice!!!

Second, you married a man who has been married before and with that comes an ex-wife. You can wish her away, but believe us, she won’t go. It is what it is.

Third, extended family lives on after a divorce. Many former in-laws have told us, “We didn’t divorce her (or him), our child did.” Family ties are not easily severed and the reason why some exes continue to be invited to family gatherings. That’s what bothers many in your position. They feel that out of respect for the new union, the former spouse should not be invited to special occasions. And, when they are, they take it personally.

1) yeah, and he's had other relationships...so he has a bunch of ex-girlfriends too. They're gone, why can't she? The kids? They're around, why does she have to be there too just because she's the mom? Please.

2) extended family infers there's a "family" tie. The tie was cut when they split. Are all the other exes invited? No. Because the tie is cut. You wouldn't invite any other ex...just because the kids slid out of her doesn't give her a free pass to be elevated above all the other exes like she's something special. She's not.

The existence of kids doesn't change what is appropriate or not. If the kids didn't exist, the ex wouldn't be there. Leave her out of it, she's no longer part of the in crowd.