Constant Staring
I am just wondering if anyone else has this issue with their skids because I am not exactly sure how to handle it and I find it a bit disturbing. You know how you can feel someone staring at you and so you look and there they are just staring away?!?! My SD (10) has been doing this with me for at least the past year. She is one that LOVES attention and is constantly trying to be the center of attention and I am probably one of the only people that ignores this behavior because I do not want to feed into it. Anyways, I feel like she has ramped up her constant staring lately and it makes me really uncomfortable. I am pretty sure she does it intentionally. Mainly b/c one day she was telling me and my son that her friend at school is bullying her for no reason..."because the friend thinks she was giving her dirty looks but she wasn't she was just looking at the clock behind her". I don't buy that because I know that SD plays little mind/manipulation games and tries to play victim - I have seen this happen many times at our house.
I feel like if I say something to her she will pull out her little innocent act and say she wasn't staring at me or some other crap. My friend suggested that I just stare back with RBF. This past weekend I did as my friend suggested and just stared back at her when I noticed her eyes fixated on me. It was really very uncomfortable for me...I have no idea how she didn't feel uncomfortable continuing to stare once I locked eyes and did the same. Finally she made a weird little smirk and looked away. Well last night we had her again. She was continually rocking around and throwing her feet up over her head on my younger son's plastic little tykes rocking chair and "accidentally" falling out of it. I got irritated by guilty daddy's being oblivious to annoying behavior and said something like "if you can't sit in that chair without falling out of it you need to sit on the couch". SO then questioned me in front of her about that which really pissed me off so I walked out to the garage and slammed the door behind me. For almost 4 years I have tip toed around this skid and not said things or corrected behavior with her b/c of the backlash of BM and SO but I am tired of that. If it is something I would get on my kid for then I am going to address it with her as well. She is in my home. SO also knows that I am fed up b/c we had a BIG blow up not to long ago in which I told him to either start parenting his child or they can both GTFO. SO followed me to the garage and I explained to him yet again that this type of situation is EXACTLY what I blew up about and just because he is oblivious to her crap doesn't mean the rest of the people around are! SO said he understood and went in and said something to her. Of course she said, "daddy, it was an accident, I didn't mean to do that" Whatever! I come in and as soon as I walk in she is staring at me so again I take my friend's advice and stare right back. I look at SO and he is buried in his phone not noticing anything as usual so I proceed to stare back at her. This had to last for at least a minute until she did the same weird smirk and looked away. Oh and then she proceeds to "accidentally" fall out of the chair 2 more times and I will give SO credit that he did call her out on that and told her 3 times is not an accident and to knock it off.
This is just really bizarre to me. Do I continue to stare back with RBF until she stops this behavior? Do I say something to her? Or do I go back to ignoring it like I used to? I feel like ignoring it was enabling it in a way and I am really tired of her making me uncomfortable every time she comes to visit!
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Depends...when my SS is being
Depends...when my SS is being desperate for attention, I tell him if he doesn’t stop, he’s going to sit in front of us (me and DH) and we’re going to stare at him because that’s what he wants. He usually finds something else to do. In your case, though, it sounds like a power struggle. Based on what you wrote the girl was acting out, most likely so her dad will look at her and not his phone, but you caught her instead. She knew she’d get one of you. The way it played out for her she saw you be mean to her, her dad jump in to defend her then you leave which is what every little child of divorce wants. Once he came back in from talking to you, he corrected her and then the weird staring started. She’s trying to get you to snap at her again in front of her dad. That’ll make two times you’re “nagging” his precious snowflake and it will sound very childish of you if you called her out on it.
So it’s a game, you can either play back or walk away. I would walk away as I have no patience or I would pull out my inner Sally (throwback to an OG Steptalker here) and start calling her out in a fake nice way such as: Skid is staring at you, you stare back wait until your DH is in the room and say “SD did you need something from me, you look like you’re waiting for me” or when you catch her staring at you, stare back and start talking at her about something like grades, volunteering, donating toys, how much you love her Dad...
I agree with the power
I agree with the power struggle part. I feel like she thinks she is in constant competition with me and my sons for her dad's attention. He is oblivious and I am trying to make him aware of that. I was also pissed that he undermined me in front of her yet again and explained that to him. I know that maybe I should have handled it different but it is so hard when she is constantly doing these annoying things. I do think you are right that she was trying to get me to say something again and "nag" her in front of dadeetz (her special nickname for him). That is why I just chose to silently stare back to make it just as awkward for her. However, I don't really understand the other times she does it. It isn't always after I have corrected her and a lot of times it is when dadeetz isn't even around.....
Thanks for the advice! I like the "SD did you need something from me, you look like you're waiting on me"....that way it turns it back onto her!
The first thing that came to
The first thing that came to mind: it's like staring down a dog to establish who is the dominant one...
That would drive me absolutely crazy!!! These kids sure do know how to passive-aggressively get under our skin. Hopefully she'll get over it soon.
yep, that's it. Especially
yep, that's it. Especially the passive aggressive thing.
I thought this as well
I thought this as well because it isn't just when she has got in trouble. It is like any time no one else is paying attention. I used to just ignore it but like you said it is driving me absolutely NUTTY and I am done letting a 10 year old play passive aggressive games and feel like she is somehow "winning"! If mommy and dadeetz can't put her in her place I will.
I jokingly told a friend it is like these skids have a forum/site of their own to learn this crap....annoyyourstepmom.com
Oh I know this one. SD was
Oh I know this one. SD was always staring, to the point where if she was walking past me sat on the sofa for example her neck would swivel like the exorcist in order to keep the stare going. SS stares too. I think its a family thing mixed with them not giving a sh*t about what SM thinks of it. I got the staring, neck swivelling and dirty look stares too from SD.
In the beginning I tried to ignore it. Didn't help. In the end I outright asked her why she was always staring (in front of her father) her answer was ofc that she wasn't. I told her that her neck will snap one day with how much she was forcing her head to keep the stare up as she went across the room. Big innocent eyes opened. baby voice came out. 'I don't do I papa?' DH replied that if Moomin says you are then you have in my opinion because she does not lie.
That did not stop it as it was all a part of her 'get Moomin to leave' plan. I don't think there is anything you can do to stop it. She is younger than my SD was at the time (13/14) so ignoring it might work. I started staring back. SS now 18 stares too but I don't think it's for the same reason as SD did. If he begins a stare I meet it with a big ol' stare right back. Seems to be working so far..
Well I am glad that I am not
Well I am glad that I am not the only one to experience this madness. My SD seems to be sneakier about it than yours was....or my SO is just more oblivious. I am glad that your DH at least backed you up instead of defending her. That is part of my problem. I reemed him a new one about it last night though. I told him if he wants to question me that is fine but DO NOT do it in front of SD b/c that just shows her yet again that I have NO authority over her. He is so clueless though. He said he didn't even think she heard me....BS...she is listening to EVERYTHING...all kids are paying more attention to what you are saying doing than they let on. I was so pissed at him. I know that most of this falls on him but she is also at an age (10) where she knows what she is doing as well and if no one addresses it now it will only get worse. OMG, she used the baby voice too every time she claimed it was an "accident"....that is like nails to a chalkboard to me. I just want to :sick: every time that little whiny crap comes out of her mouth! At least that baby voice stuff annoys SO too so I didn't even have to tell him to address that. He did on his own! That is why I think there is still hope for us. If he was ignoring what I had to say or just listening to me and not actually doing anything about this they would be gone.
All of her little antics are so annoying and noticeable that even my older son (also 10) has started calling her out on stuff. SO usually snaps at him b/c he is rude in how he calls her out - and I have told him he needs to stop doing that b/c he is just making himself look bad/rude. He told me he didn't care if he got yelled at or reprimanded for being rude to her b/c at least she knows that she isn't fooling him! LOL!
This is obviously not just affecting me. It affects my children as well and that is my final straw. I had disengaged but now I only selectively disengage.
Lol spray her with water like
Lol spray her with water like you would an animal misbehaving.
LMAO, OMG, I would love to
LMAO, OMG, I would love to see the reaction from that! "Dadeetz SM sprayed me, wah, wah, wah". Poor little SD always the victim!
Dangit, advice, I just spewed
Dangit, advice, I just spewed water on my computer screen!
I have the same issue with my
I have the same issue with my SO not wanting me to reprimand his kids! He says unless they are unsafe or being disrespectful, don't say anything. But it is hard to do as when I reprimand to something that I know he would or that he has before he tells me to stop. So annoying. How can we be good step parents if we are only being treated as step and not a parent by kids and SO.
I hope you win your power struggle, hang in!
It drives me CRAZY!!!! He
It drives me CRAZY!!!! He doesn't tell me not to reprimand her. He tells me that I have authority but then goes and questions me and destroys the authority right in front of her. That is what I told him last night. You can't tell me I have authority and then question it right in front of her and not back me up. It is like he really just can't see that her behavior is inappropriate. I think because she isn't hurting someone or saying something mean he thinks she is fine and she plays her little innocent game so well (for him at least). He has no problem seeing my son's poor behavior though. I don't undermine him in front of my kid. I made that point to him as well. I know my kid isn't perfect and needs reprimanded. That is why I don't ever question him in front of my son.
It is sad when EVERYONE sees through SDs act except SO, BM and MIL. They are the only one that think she shits out rainbows. Even SO's SM sees it. She won't directly say to him that his daughter is a PITA but she will say things in front of them that clearly show she isn't buying into SD's crap and she will confront SO when SD isn't present about whatever she saw and what he should be doing. Oh, how I love his SM!!! LOL
I recommend the school
I recommend the school teacher approach. Even though you know what she's doing and she knows what she's doing, act like the teacher in front of DH.
Say, hey, AS, did you know you were just staring at me again? Did you know sometimes we do that without even knowing we are doing it! Did you realize you were doing it again or did it just happen? Here some things I can do to help you learn not to do that, I will give you this signal if I notice you doing it again. Etc.. etc.. then explain that school friends don't like it etc.. you get my drift. DH will see you helping
Smart, act like the "helpful"
Smart, act like the "helpful" SM instead of the monster! I like it! Then it calls her out in a "nice" way and would keep SO from getting defensive....maybe...SD is such a little manipulator though. I could see her just denying it and trying to make me look stupid/crazy.
OMG, yes SSstb9 does this! He
OMG, yes SSstb9 does this! He stares at everything in our house. at our DS1 (and when he does, I give him a look like don't even think about effing with DS), he stares at me, he stares, he stares, he stares. It's so e f f e n annoying. I stare at him when he's doing it and he stops right away. He's a weird kid.
called "hate staring" SD
called "hate staring" SD used to do this to me all the time and then YSS
Exactly, and these little
Exactly, and these little skids know exactly what they are doing. SD only does this when SO isn't in the room or isn't watching. I think the staring back did work but damn it made me uncomfortable. I like some other suggestions here I am totally going to try out. Ugh, we have her tonight so we will see how it goes! SD is more ANNOYING than weird in my case!
Tell your DH that he needs to
Tell your DH that he needs to get an appointment with a eye doctor, because SD is staring all the time, maybe she can't see correctly. If this is not the case, then DH needs to teach this kids that staring is passive aggressive and rude.
LOL, I would do this but SO
LOL, I would do this but SO is so damn defensive about SD and since he doesn't see her doing this he will make it out like I am making a big deal out of nothing and pick on SD. I know that his behavior/perspective on that needs to change and trust me I am working hard on that.
My whole goal is to bring it to his attention but in a way that I am not the bad guy, lol, I know this might be impossible since I am the STEPMONSTER! }:) Or just make her uncomfortable enough that she stops!
definitely dominance not
definitely dominance not unlike marking territory by unauthorized pissing, wanton destruction. etc.
try jamming a finger up your nose or scratching your ass (pre-phone photo techniques)
LMAO, I think I'll do it
LMAO, I think I'll do it while on the phone!
Omg - these responses are
Omg - these responses are priceless. Tears from laughing! My SD16 doesn't stare but sometimes she does this ridiculous babyish voice. its just weird. Last time was at Christmas when she was talking to BM on the phone telling her about the gifts she got from us. SO was standing there too and I said to him, what's with that voice she's using. (Not the first time I heard it, but first time I said something). She heard me and said, oh its just a voice we use sometimes. I said, its weird and she stopped. Wondering if she'll pull that voice out again. Its very annoying.
I know! I seriously can't
I know! I seriously can't wait to try some of these recommendations out! I guess I am extremely blessed....my SD does that weird baby talk crap also, and the staring, and a weird noise before she even talks sometimes, humming when she is just sitting there watching TV. It all annoys me
I would prolly get up and go
I would prolly get up and go sit next to her and literally stare her down. It would be fun and i would get all big eyed and just sit there smiling with a creepy grin. Lmao
She isn't always sitting
She isn't always sitting somewhere when she does it. Over the weekend she was riding around the living room on her hoverboard doing it (which was annoying enough already). I locked eyes and stared back hardcore and kept a straight face at the weird smirk she had at the end and then proceeded to read Stepmonster...holding it up so she could ponder over the title. LOL
OMG creepo! Love the
OMG creepo! Love the responses! You got great advice. I can't wait to hear how you try each one though and share the results. Let's have fun w/it!
I agree. I wouldn't have
I agree. I wouldn't have thought of a lot of these! That is why I love this site so much. We get her tonight so I'll have to give an update tomorrow
OH the staring...... I simply
OH the staring...... I simply stared back, gave her the creeps..... they stare straight at us, we pick it up, but they hate the staring back, I focused on her ear, seems like I stare straight into her eyes (or her forehead) but it's a dead look, bitch look....
Aergia would complain to SO about it, I give her nasty looks and to proof him right, she would stare at me, SO would catch her and ask her way are you starring at Agra ? SOmetimes he would not see her only me staring at her, then he asks me why are you staring at her, I would smile and say, I'm waiting for her question, if some one stares at you it's to get your attention to ask something, I'm waiting and I'm looking back at her to show her I am listening... her staring lasted about 5 months... stupid girl..
Good idea on focusing
Good idea on focusing somewhere other than her eyes. I feel like I can just see her hatred of me in them and that is what makes it so uncomfortable. I don't care that she doesn't like me. I just want the staring to stop! SO doesn't get that she really doesn't like me. He doesn't see her passive aggressive BS and he buys her little nicey, nicey, fake act! When I stare back I do it with a straight dead face. I already have big eyes but I open them even wider! If she is going to be creepy I'm going to do it right back! LOL
I think the SD in my case is learned a lot from BM so she won't complain, she is trying to trap me and play innocent, trying to get me to snap and say something and then be little SD the victim! I like your response to your SO though. If SD tries to call me out on it I know how I'll respond! I wish that SO would see her doing it ...but that is doubtful as he seems oblivious to ALL of her annoying traits.
Templeton, don't be so sure
Templeton, don't be so sure he's totally oblivious to what she's doing. It's more the likely he DOES notice but is too lazy/guilty daddy to care to correct her, discipline, etc.
I think you are 100% correct
I think you are 100% correct on that because the more I make it known that I will no longer tolerate xyz or that something she is doing is SUPER annoying he has agreed on some of it. For instance, she constantly uses our youngest son (3) as another source of garnering attention for herself by telling him what to do and saying "SM, BS wants you to see this or BS say this". Using him like a trained monkey b/c he is cute and little and therefore draws attention to her as well. SO has been on her about this told me he can't stand it either! Maybe he is just oblivious to the fact that it is ANNOYING EVERYONE. Personally, if I could tell my son was annoying everyone and acting the way SD does I would have addressed it years ago! I think he doesn't want to hurt her fee fees and piss off BM. I just don't care if I do either of those things as they don't care how their crap affects me!
" I think he doesn't want to
" I think he doesn't want to hurt her fee fees and piss off BM" Ahhhh, the crux of every dysfunctional stephome lol.
They MUCH RATHER piss you off and hurt YOUR feelings. The joys of 2nd wifedom
Yep, and I am not okay with
Yep, and I am not okay with that. This was another part of my HUGE blow up just a week or two ago and he knows that he better start worrying more about my feelings than catering to his EX wife or he can go ahead and try to get back with her...lol...he was so pissed when I told him that because he can't stand the EX either. I don't care though. I even told him I have so much resentment over how HE has handled things that I no longer feel in love with him. I made MY FEELINGS very clear. I WILL NOT follow throw with marrying him until I actually feel like a priority to him.