I don't really have any advice, but I will point out that your husband is dead wrong. Politely asking your SS to not eat the last chicken noodle soup (for a good reason) is hardly controlling him. And a man whose response to something he doesn't like is to tell his wife if you don't like it you can leave is not a man worth having.

I learned (the hard way) at a very early age that I can only control myself. I KNOW that I do not ever have to accept sh*tty behavior from anyone (male, female, or DNA connected). I am financially able to take care of myself. I do not rely on anyone.

It is quite freeing. My SS is disgusting, and I know that my DH loves him with all of his heart. I do not make disparaging remarks about his son - but I also refuse to have anything to do with him. We have a truce. I do not constantly remind my DH what a POS his son is and he does not expect me to welcome him into my home.

But I am so glad that I do not have to live with that worthless POS.

start locking away the food you want to save, and then leave the rest for the lazy ass 20 year old...

stop buying groceries for him, it's between his father and him, and if he does not re cycle... get Daddy to sort that out..

In short disengage totally and tell your idiot husband his kid better finds a job or they both will be out in 3 months time..

First off why is the 20 year old man child living with you and why is your husband defending him like he's 4?? Second off there was NOTHING to eat in the house except one can of chicken noodle soup?? They both sound like a pair of bumbling idiots.

Start hiding food for your son. That's what I had to resort to when SD lived with us. Saved a lot of fights and drama. Good hiding spots are anywhere you keep cleaning supplies, tampon boxes, things of that nature that a lazy man child would not touch.

He's 20. If he's going to be a disrespectful imp then it's time for him to find his own place. You are NOT at fault in any way. It's your home. He's basically just living there, a guest. So he can be respectful and respect the rules. Or he can go live his own life out of your own.

I hide food. My food though... I'm a health nut, they don't eat healthy... Unless I buy healthy food... Then they burn through it and I get ZERO. Might be something to look at... I also started hiding snacks from DH's family... I buy them for the skids... And his brother will just show up randomly and burn through it... Hiding is sometimes the best way to avoid that conflict... Even if it pisses me off that they never learned common courtesy... Because I think manners are important. Your situation is different though. Honestly you shouldn't deal with all that disrespect from a f***ing man child. He needs to find his own place and get out.

If it makes you feel any better my DH just told me yesterday that his CS is getting paid before his half of the mortgage...I told him I hope he enjoys having visitation in his truck with ss when we lose the house.....

Your DH told you to get out. Over a can of soup.

I'd start making plans to exit TODAY.

"His father yells at me not to control his son and if don’t like it I can leave."
I would be waving goodbye in my rear-view. DH can stay there and man/baby-worship all he likes, meantime you can raise your son to be a worthwhile human being and find a man who will treasure you.

You need to sit DH down and have an open, calm and honest conversation. Make it clear that DH's disrespect to you is being passed on to SS, SS has no right to argue and bitch at you and DH should be shutting that down, not flaming it. Clarify where you are at and make your decision from there once you have a clear picture.

Personally I am not going to take being disrespected anymore and I have made a plan to leave, I have $500 left to go and then I'm out. Wish you the best.

I realize that I am echoing what others have said here, but there is something very important you need to take from this board. Your son is learning how to treat his future wife from this. Your son is being taught that this is how women should be treated. You are not weak, you are not helpless. Leave and don't look back. Get your affairs in order, find an apartment that you can afford and run like the wind. Being spoken to in your own home like that is unacceptable.