How to tell kids you are going to fight for full custody
SS is 13. If you aren't familiar with my blogs for the last 5 years BM has done everything to limit all contact SS and stbDH have. She has limited visitation to less than 3 weeks a year- we are 1/2 way across the country so it isn't like we get to see him at basketball games, lunch at school, etc., weekends, etc. She is the poster child for PAS. Only says things that degrade SO, refuses contact, puts down on medical forms to specifically NOT release any info to SO, etc.
We do have SS for spring break this year. While he is here we want to do a tour of the school (it is new, high tech and very impressive) along with meeting the track, basketball, and baseball coaches. The high school here usually makes it to national levels in most sports. It is also academically one of the top school districts in the country. He currently goes to a K-12 county school that is pathetic in the middle of nowhere midwest- the town doesn't have a grocery store, movie theater, or stoplight. We are also going to tell him that we would like him to live with us. He has stated before that he doesn't like BM's boyfriend and doesn't want to live where he does. BUT I am not sure he is ready to leave BM yet, mostly because he is afraid of (hurting) her.
Any advice on how to approach the situation? How to start the conversation? Do we even tell him what we are doing?
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Don't involve the kid in
Don't involve the kid in court?... Our lawyer advised us not to say anything... 1) Anything you tell the kid, should be expected to make it back to BM, kids shouldn't feel like they have to keep secrets between homes. 2) it just causes the kids stress... Court is between the adults, the child should be minimally involved, and only when the court deems ABSOLUTELY necessary. Why stress out the kid more than they have to be?
Also why not wait? I think it's like 14 in most states where a kid gets to pick where they live.
By the time this all makes it
By the time this all makes it to court he will be 14. Thank you for letting me know what your lawyer said. Ours didn't give us advice either way. I don't want him to keep secrets and I don't want to cause undo stress.
BM used to punish the girls
BM used to punish the girls if they said a word about what was going on over there (because she wanted to hide how awful it was) it stressed SD9 out so bad!
Our lawyer is bada$$, we're excited to get all this rolling
I am not a fan of bringing
I am not a fan of bringing kids into custody battles. Kids love both of their parents, even the idiot ones, and why put them in a position where they feel they have to choose?
What value is there in that?
Kids should be kids and adults should be the ones in the custody battle trenches, know what I mean?
^^^^BM is a druggie narc that
^^^^BM is a druggie narc that has emotionally abused and neglected the girls, PLUS ditched them 9 months ago, She has literally NEVER done them any favors. But guess what? The girls do still love her, and we'd never make THEM feel like they had to choose. Custody is between the adults for the wellbeing of the skids.
Yup! Medusa ditched her kids
Yup! Medusa ditched her kids over 6 years ago and has had ZERO contact with two and one lame attempt at contact with ASS. My skids still love her, though they don't much like her right now.
Custody battles are for adults, not kids.
So, how do you find out what
So, how do you find out what they actually want vs. loyalty that they feel like they have to have? If questions aren't asked, if you don't say that "we/I want you here, we/I love you and miss being in your life, how would you feel if we tried to have you live here?" Once those questions get asked it will get back to BM. The can of worms will be opened.
Custody is an adult decision,
Custody is an adult decision, and I am not a fan of asking kids what they want when the question is sooooo loaded.
Simply asking the question can create a loyalty bind. If your husband feels there is good reason to change custody, then he should file the necessary paperwork and make his move. He should leave the kid out of it.
Thank you!
Thank you!
WHy are you fighting for
WHy are you fighting for custody if SS did not ask for it? I see it simply as pushing BM's buttons.
I will only fight for custody if a child really wants to live with me and if said child is fully on board. Thus spring break, leave it alone, if SS asks to stay, smile and say, this will be happening if we start fighting for custody, BM might do this and that, are you sure about it, remember once we have custody and you do not agree with us, you can't be running back to BM... think about it, take the holiday to think about it and then lets talk about it...
but it should be his bio parent having the discussion with him without you at first
I agree that dad is the one
I agree that dad is the one having the conversation if one is to be even had. We aren't trying to push BM's buttons but rather trying to be in the life of a child that BM has been hell bent on keeping away from SO. She wants the check she gets from SO but that is it! This is about being proactive parent and as well as being able to actually provide for him. BM doesn't work, she doesn't have income other than social security ($300/ mo) and just lives off of SO with alimony (supposed to be over next month) and CS. We can provide, we have a home, we have a good school, we have the sports, she has nothing. Plus, he is a good kid. Not all Skids are evil...
If she was the one who packed up and left this area to take SS to bumf*ck, and then refuses to let SO be in his life, why wouldn't he fight for his kid?
"why wouldn't he fight for
"why wouldn't he fight for his kid" cause it's not going to help, it's only going to cost money, courts will not take SS from his mother due to reason you stipulated.
DH should've fought for his kid when they got divorced, a clause saying BM is not allowed to remove SS from town or what ever... but he did not.
He was deployable and active
He was deployable and active duty. He couldn't until now. Like I said, she likes his paychecks just fine and certainly didn't want him to get out and stop all the $$ flowing into her account.
When Medusa began withholding
When Medusa began withholding custody, DH and I went to the mattresses and repeatedly showed the court each and every violation. It ultimately ended with Medusa losing ALL custody. We never once involved the skids, we didn't ask them what they wanted (though Medusa did both of those things).
Kids don't belong in a custody battle.
Thank you... the waiting game
Thank you... the waiting game is hard. We definitely have the proof. The hard part for us is being in a different state, so we can't just file ourselves. It's an attorney every time she is in contempt. At the end of the day, plane tickets are just as expensive as lawyers some times.
yes, the waiting game IS
yes, the waiting game IS hard, and no one knows that better than I. We were on the opposite side of the state as Medusa and that certainly complicated things, so I can only imagine how difficult long distance would be.
Three hings - you actually CAN file things by mail by yourselves, you don't need an attorney. You can request that hearings be held telephonically. You can "collect" the parenting time denials and file one big motion with all of the incidents. That's what we did.
Individually, each instance doesn't really make much of a statement, but when you tell a judge that BM is not following the parenting plan/denying access/whatever AND hand over a pile of police reports/notes/contemporaneous memos, that makes a big statement.
I had no idea!!!!! Thank you
I had no idea!!!!! Thank you so much for telling me that!!!
This is one of those
This is one of those instances when I wish my old blogs from that time were still here
"she has nothing. Plus, he is
"she has nothing. Plus, he is a good kid."
Actually.. she does have something. She loves her child and apparently has done a decent job at raising him as you say.. he's a good kid right?
So, while your DH was not able to provide the stable home, she did. While you may have some fancy extras that he would have access to at your place... he also would lose a lot of his strong base of friends and his life with his mother.. who was who has been there for him for his whole life.
The fact that she made it difficult for your DH is something he should have fought harder for years ago. At 13, this kid is quite unlikely to care about what you think he needs.
Stable home that was paid for
Stable home that was paid for by SO. SO also had a good hand in raising him for the time they were married, she doesn't get all the credit.
No, she doesn't get all the
No, she doesn't get all the credit, but she shouldn't get all the blame just because things are different now.
It's verrrrrrry hard to get custody removed from a person with a uterus...if there really is a legitimate reason, then go for it. If your reasons are not valid, or are just that you don't like the way she keeps her home/runs her life, it's probably not a good idea.
Also, ASS was 14 when my skids moved in with us. Not a great age under the best of circumstances, but particularly horrid in relocations due to a custody change.
So, how long has it been
So, how long has it been since the divorce? Are there specific deficiencies you can point to with his current living situation?
Just so you know, it's unlikely that the fact that you have a better school district is going to be a good enough reason.
If he has been with his mother in a "stable" environment for any length of time, the court will be hard pressed to have a reason to take custody.
Now, if it's a matter of her not allowing prescribed visitation.. you can take that up but it may not result in any kind of permanent change.
If the kid is having great behavioral issues where is is.. perhaps they may be more persuaded.. but i just get that this is something his dad is pursuing for other reasons.. perhaps to even get out of paying his EX CS.
I think you will find that it is verrry expensive to get this changed and in the end, it will probably be somewhat cheaper to just pay as he has been and work on getting his just visitation as ordered.
Divorce proceedings have been
Divorce proceedings have been going on for 5 years. Nothing has been established by the courts yet.
wait wait wait wait - the
wait wait wait wait - the divorce proceedings have been dragging on for 5 years? They're still married??
Why is it taking so long?
Yes, feel free to see my
Yes, feel free to see my previous blogs. On going for 5 years. We got confirmation today that he might have the divorce finalized next week but custody is still being worked out. We were originally agreeable to out of state "standard" practice - Spring break, most of summer, everyother thanksgiving, split christmas break (every other year getting the week with christmas or new years) but she came back this last time and said he can only see SS for spring break and summer when the child's schedule allows and both parents agree <---- in other words not going to happen.
when Asshat and I were
when Asshat and I were getting divorced, his attorney suggested "as the parties shall agree."
My attorney couldn't help himself "hey man, if the parties could agree, do you think you and I would be sitting here in this room with them?"
More detail is always better.
Fight the good fight so that this kid spends as much time with dad as practical.
Dads matter
It's almost impossible to get
It's almost impossible to get custody when living that far away.
Unless this is something that
Unless this is something that the 13 yo SS really wants.... I think you may have a hard time convincing an atty that there should be a change. Unless the BM is shown to be absolutely unfit.... it's unlikely a judge will order a change.
Now, if the SS has indicated he is unhappy where he is.. he can be asked by his dad if he thinks he would like to make a change.. because if he wants it.. your DH will support him and ask that a change be made.
In the end.. so-so school.. BF he doesn't like etc.. the fact is that he probably still loves his mom and wouldn't want to hurt her and he also probably has a whole network of friends he wouldn't want to leave.
Sigh…OP, why do you want to
Sigh…OP, why do you want to want to spend thousands (if not tens of thousands) of dollars to fight for custody of a kid that will barely even talk to DH much less want to live with him.
I agree the kid should have more to do with dad but fighting for custody of a child that old, that does not want to live with you, is futile at best.
Sorry OP but this will be a giant waste of you and DHs time and money. How about start with dragging BM into court for contempt? That would be a good start.
But if you both insist on doing this, leave the kid out of it. I guess it would not be so bad for DH to ask if him if he would want to live with you and go from there, but don’t just out and out say you are going to fight for full custody and move him from his home. That will go over like a lead balloon. But SS will fight this on every level anyway so it wont' really matter.
OP, I was in your situation a
OP, I was in your situation a couple of years ago. My DH and I fought for custody of his girls (ages 12 and 9) at the time. We spent a year of our lives and $20,000 fighting for custody. It almost destroyed us. The SDs were really too old to be taken away from their mother. It was a nightmare. SD14 (was 12 back then) actually went nuts and tried to destroy my DH. She did whatever she could to go back to her mom's house. When we finally let her, it was too late. Her relationship with DH was in ruins. He is still working to try and have some type of relationship with her. SD12 (was 9 then) is better. She has somewhat acclimated to life with us, but she would drop us and go straight back to BM if we gave her the choice. According to her, she doesn't feel like this is home. Home is where her mom is. I literally feel like this girl's jailer and it kills me, because I care about her so much.
It sounds like your SS is already a victim of major PAS by BM. You should really think hard before you go through with this. It is expensive and painful. If your SS doesn't want to live with you, he will make your life miserable. DH and I have a strong bond and friendship, but this almost destroyed our marriage. I really urge you to think about this. I know that it sounds like a good idea now, but I can tell you this. DH and I have discussed it at length and both agree that it may have been better if we had left well enough alone back a few years ago. Neither of his kids is any happier and his relationship with them is more strained now that ever.
I appreciate your input. If
I appreciate your input. If SS absolutely does not want to live with us, we won't force it. However, if he does and is just scared of leaving mom, that is another story.
This kind of leads me to another question- is there a way to show a kid what PAS is? In a way that doesn't tear down his mother and make us no better than her?
this is a tough question.
this is a tough question. PAS is so subtle and and it's hard to present it in a way that doesn't scream "OMG your mother is such a bitch for not letting me see you!"
I have a list of books somewhere - been years since I have needed it.
If the kid was younger, I would recommend "Welcome Back, Pluto."
Let me see what I can dig up - others will have recommendations, too.
I also echo the "careful what you wish for" sentiments above. My marriage barely survived ASS and there was no stronger advocate for getting those kids away from Medusa than I was.
justmakingthebest,
You dont tell kids your going for custody.
DH is going to have to come up with 20, possibly 30k when it is all said and done. PLUS dh has the burden to show the court why the child should be placed with him.