Child was told not to take showers.
I realize my last post could not convey what was going on and I've had some pretty major assumptions that very much disturbed me. Some even trying to say that we must be trying to get the 8 year old to use a douch which I find very disturbing.
So fine. BM is in the habit of dying the children's hair with different "accent" colors. SO is ok with this because the children do express that they want it and personally we don't believe it is harmful and the school does allow it. So good, let them express themselves.
For example the little one currently has blue and the girl in was allowed to add some pink.
Well for some reason the child was lead to believe that she was not able to wash her hair at all. When we picked her up her hair was horrible and she needed a shower but upon getting home she went into meltdown mode.
Short of striping the girl down and holding her under the water the shower wasn't happening.
This is never an issue for is before this. The kids take a shower once while they are with us during the weekend. There is never any argument over it. We also do not believe the girl is lying to get out of taking a shower. She truly felt if she took a shower it would ruin her hair and her mom would get mad.
BM has in the past told the kids they can't do X or y with us so we didn't know if the child misunderstood or if BM really did tell her she wasn't allowed to shower.
SO contacted BM with the girl knowing to get the woman to fix the issue. Either give us a reason the girl can't take a shower or tell her SHE won't be in trouble. My partner made it clear that he was making the girl either way and of BM had an issue she needed to take it up with him.
He did this as politely as he could and without attacking leaving plunty of room for BM to simply say "oh I meant she didn't need to take a shower every day" or whatever.
BM totally failed to see that our issue was the girl was so scared of her mom getting mad at her that SO wasn't able to parent.
Do we believe BM is abusive and the girl really is on danger? No but we do believe BM says crap she shouldn't and doesn't care what little ears are listening.
We also found it disturbing that she attempted to argue and say there was no way the child could need a shower when she had one earlier in the week. She through message basicly implied my partner was incapable of knowing when his kids need a bath which the girl did.
Yes SO will be keeping record of this but the intent was for the girl to see that he as her father would deal with any backlash from BM.
I perfectly understand parellal. I also know a child crying that she can't do X y or z without upsetting her mom isn't something my partner will ignore. He calls BM out on the B.S. and it stops.
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"She truly felt if she took a
"She truly felt if she took a shower it would ruin her hair and her mom would get mad."
Did Dad stick Jr (SS) in the shower first to show SD her hair would either be 1) fine 2) fade out but no biggie, it was temporary but fun and can be done again. If Jr's blue is ok, so to will be her pink.
Poor kid. Her mother is an idiot. Doing something that is suppose to be fun but turning it into a young girl thinking she cant have clean hair. BM does, I hope, realize that there is no need for funky pink hair if the hair is so dirty and dingy looking and stinky the kids in school make fun of the girl. Because that's what kids do.
So what was the verdict on the showered hair? Did the pink survive? I already know the verdict on BM... she's certified crazy
Yes the girl has seen dye can
Yes the girl has seen dye can survive. They've both been doing this for a while so I don't know why out of no where now BM's telling the kid she can't shower and wash her hair.
We KNOW she had to have had showers at BM's because there's no way she could have gone almost a month without one. Like I said last visit we let it go because her hair wasn't bad but this time there was no way to just ignore it.
The dye lasted just fine and if it hadn't I have a friend who could have helped us redo it no problem. Heck I've been wanting her to come over and add a little color to mine anyways:)
I'm upset it turned into this over the top event. I mean the kid was bawling in the shower then BM just says "she doesn't need to wash her hair every day."
No duh.... but when it's greasy and nasty, most likely caused by the weather, its time for a shower. Her "well I saw her this morning and it was fine" means nothing except her showing how.Much she "respects and trust" my partner.
The girl was fine after the shower and SO talked to her about the whole thing. He made sure to once more explain that if there's ever an issue with something he does that BM should talk to him about it.
That was his whole reason for contacting BM. Maybe the girl misunderstood. I'm going to give the benifit of the doubt and say that but I to feel BM needs to be informed that her words are having an impact on the girl. It wasn't about saying BM was wrong it was about letting her know the girl was exteremly upset over something she thought BM said or whatever.
While BM can be confrontational, hostile, And act like a child She's more likely to neglect the kids then abuse. She and SO are working on the whole coparenting thing. I have no contact with her and it's up to SO to decide how he wants to handle stuff.
Let me add BM never said anything to tell us the girl was lying or misunderstood. She avoided it and focused on "well she doesn't need a shower anyways."
We deal with this exact
We deal with this exact issue, HCBM threatening skids if they do not follow one of her ridiculous 'rules' when they are here.
I just wanted to give you a heads up, just in case your BM it trying to take it to this level...
Document each time! Take video of skids upset and you trying to communicate with BM for an explanation.
See, our HCBM likes to PAS them only to use it in court against SO. Such as your shower incident. She would either say "you are refusing to allow skids to shower which is a danger to their health" or if he pushed through and made skids shower she would say "you are being abusive by using their fear of showering against them".
I bet the convo went like
I bet the convo went like this...
When I shower will the colour come out?
I don't know but it might.
I don't want the colour to go away!
Then don't shower as much. It is winter anyway and you aren't outside so much so you aren't getting dirty.
I had a shower on Tuesday.
So you do not need another one until Monday or Tuesday next week?! And the colour will last a LOT longer.
I think this is exactly where the future problems with teens not showering come from. No sense of pride in their appearance or daily hygiene.
BM isn’t very intelligent, is
BM isn’t very intelligent, is she? What a looney!
Wow, Steprightoff- I keep
Wow, Steprightoff- I keep finding your posts so confrontational at times at provocative. I don't know why- I don't know if you're struggling w/your own decision and situation but this is becoming quite hostile.
Buy her a shower cap. I color
Buy her a shower cap. I color my hair, but only was it once a week.i have very coarse hair that never gets oily. I wear a shower cap when I shower so my hair doesn't get wet.
That said, it is sad all the things parents can ruin for their kids with their own selfish agendas. My ex does it all the time to our son. He hatesour sons glasses with transition lenses that bs loves. He has made shitty comments so bs won't wear them to his dad's but wears his other pair.
It is tough taking the high road.. I wish I could say I do 100%of the time....some times I don't and feel guilty later.
Being a kid in the middle is hard.
The issue was she needed her
The issue was she needed her hair washed. It was greasy from having not beencwashed that day and the poor weather.
That's not to imply BM did anything wrong. The girls hair just needed to be washed.
What a crazy situation. I
What a crazy situation. I feel really bad for your SD.
My niece is a hairdresser and works in a very high end salon. Women will spend $500 on a cut and colour.
They sell a variety of expensive shampoos that maintain hair dye. Trust me these women are not going to have greasy hair just to keep the brilliance of their dye job. But gawd forbid the dye fade!
Go check out salons near you and get the skids some shampoo formulated for dyed hair. It might be a tad expensive but it will be worth it to avoid anything like this in the future.
Oh, and make sure it stays at your house!
I recently started using
I recently started using Clairol iThrive Color Vibrancy Shampoo and Conditioner. It is their "high end/professional" line, and I buy it at Sally's Beauty Supply. It is more expensive then what you find in the grocery store, but less expensive than what Aveda type salons sell. I love the way it makes my hair feel and I do think it helps the color stay in longer. I agree with notsobad - it might help with your situation.
Another alternative would be to use a "dry" shampoo in her hair and have her shower with a cap on. At least her body would get clean and her hair wouldn't be so greasy.
Some even trying to say that
Some even trying to say that we must be trying to get the 8 year old to use a douch which I find very disturbing.
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Holy crap on a cracker. Please tell me someone did NOT actually say this!?