another newbie
Wow—what a great site! It’s great to know that so many other people are going through the same things.
I’m SM to two wonderful kids-- I’ve been their mom 50% of the time since SS was 10 mos. and SD wasn’t even born (a dramatic surprise we’ve long since dealt with). BF and I took turns caring for SD pretty much every night when she was an infant while BM was “too tired” to deal with a crying baby. Anyway, because the kids were too little to even remember their bio-parents being together, we really had the chance to bond. We really do have a great family relationship overall, but I have these weird, nagging issues that make me feel crazy a lot.
First of all, I’m not a BM myself. I have this jealousy because I love my SK’s like they are my own, but it seems like everything in this society is teaching them that I can’t be their “real” mom. I know my BF tries, but he doesn’t understand. He is from a blended family, and his step’s weren’t “real” parents. No matter what he says I can tell that he doesn’t really think that in the eyes of the children I can ever be equal to BM, who, by the way is psycho (judging from these posts are they all?? LOL). I have this sudden, nagging desire to bear children, but I don’t have many years left and we’re in no financial state with the other 2 and the X. Then, I feel resentful that I didn’t get to share the experience with him of having our first child together. He’s been there, done that with someone I think is totally unworthy, and now there is nothing left for me. Silly, I know. But it makes me cling to SK’s even more; I really need to be their “real” mom. I know they have another mom, and I will always be careful to respect that relationship and be adult about it. Am I crazy that I want to earn the love that she gets automatically, without even trying?
I guess I’m really focused on this right now, after getting back from a weekend with his family. So many people said little things that made me feel like a big nobody… for example, his sister said, “you’re getting such great practice with XXX’s kids… you’ll be a great mom when you have some of your own!” She meant well, but I was devastated. I started crying in the car on the way home when I thought the kids were asleep. I was trying to explain to BF, who didn’t get it and therefore kept making it worse. Then SS said from the backseat, “Mommy? Mommy!” I turned to see if he was talking to me. He said, “You’re my OTHER mommy!” and asked me to hold his hand. I almost lost it. And in those 30 seconds a 3-year old gave me more than anyone ever has in my life.
Anyway, I’m sorry for the long, rambling post. I appreciate so many of the great things I’ve read in this forum. I’d love to hear anything encouraging about SM’s relationships with SK’s, and also any tips on establishing a loving, healthy family life without feeling resentful. Thanks!
Thanks
Thanks, both of you. I don't know how you guys stay so strong... being a SM is really hard! I have so much respect for anyone who has made it through enough of this stuff to gain some perspective. I used to think that because it's such a rare and valuable thing for a divorced partner to find someone who loves their kids completely and unconditionally any efforts in this direction would be appreciated. Funny-- it's just the opposite. The SM is expected to be all things to all people, but it's almost impossible to do the "right" thing-- much less know what that is. Suddenly, you're in a position to please your partner, the kids, and the entire extended family, with no one to talk to who understands. Glad I found this site.
Wow...you have things figured out pretty well...
Sometimes the comments that we make come, not always from making the right decisions, but rather from making the wrong decisions and learning from them. That is definitely the case for me...too soon old and too late smart...I think is how the saying goes.
Welcome OtherMom
First let me say that you are not alone.
You know, I've read the posts here and many of which I agree with, but mostly it's all our own experience. Whether you are a biomom or stepmom trying to understand 'the other side', it's still just a matter of your personal experience. This site is great because so many of us can vent off our frustrations or get validation for having such feelings.
For alot of stepmom's, it's more about being heard and validated for our position in the family. It's a very hard position and I think it is the toughest job there is. Alot of pressure is placed on us to meet the expectations of the stereotyped mother... many people think that just because you didn't have that child from birth, that you have no motherly instincts... but it's quite not true. It's that we are women in general and our genics dictate that... literally. Some have it, others don't. But the ones that have it... have it bad! lol.
Always remember that the relationship between you and BF is unique and special only to you two. And remember that the relationship soared between BF and BM- so don't focus on it being 'the first'... come on... I'm sure you've had a first crush too, the first kiss probably wasn't with BF, was it? Think positive and realize that it doesn't matter. Love each other unconditionally and realize the human side of you. Most of all, do not stop communication between the two of you, and work as a united front.
I too have the same deep longing feelings of having my own child. But I know that I already have a child that no one can say is not mine... my SS. I know that others do not view it the same as I do, but I don't care what they think or what they say, he's mine too.
So, rest assure that your feelings are valid. Don't let it get to you personally, because that is your worst enemy. Instead, be proud and keep up the good work- Mom.