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sheila's picture

Submitted by sheila on Tue, 02/06/2007 - 2:52pm

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How do you confront someone about Emotional Incest?

Def: Emotional Incest occurs when a child feels responsible for a parents emotional well-being. This happens when a parent does not know healthy boundaries. It occurs because the parent cannot get their emotional needs met by their partner or other adults. Some psychologists refer to this as a parent making the child their "surrogate spouse." It can happen when the parent "dumps" on the child. This occurs when a parent talks about adult issues and feelings to a child as if they were a peer.

BF has this relationship with his youngest daughter (17), while he has absolutely nothing to do with the older daughter(19). The 17 year old behaves as tho she is his mate....physically and emotionally. This man is not stupid,,,,but yet he cannot and will not see what he is doing. He attributes it to having a "close" relationship with her. This baffles me because he knows she is a compulive liar and cannot believe anything she says. Her life is a secret from him. He knows NONE of her friends, does not know she is sexually active and has had several boyfriends, etc etc

I am literally sick to my stomach. I need to leave this relationship but am financially strapped for the moment. I am disgusted and don't see much room for change where all this is concerned, because he cannot see a problem. Emotional Incest is very real and very detrimental to the child.

Do I say anything? Do i give him something to read? Do i email him a link? Do i have someone else try and talk to him? I am going crazy and cannot watch this any longer. There is so much more to this but the bottom line is the fact that he treats her like a girl friend and not a daughter. This is not parenting. This is abuse. It's an obsession. Someone please help here. I am so sad and feel so all alone. It's the two of them against me all the time and I am the only one in the house that sees the unhealthyness of their actions.

Candice's picture

Submitted by Candice on Tue, 02/06/2007 - 4:19pm

have you seen a therapist before that might be able to help you communicate this to bf?

I don't know the answer to your problem, my ss's grandmother does the same thing, and I don't know how to get bm or dh to say something to her to get her to stop. It is unhealthy, and no child should have to go through that, but getting people to hear you is the problem.

Sometimes when I go unheard with my dh, I drag him to see our therapist...sometimes that is the only way my dh will hear what I have to say...it's unfortunate, and it's the last resort...but it's how I have to handle things at times. It has been the most effective solution to our communication problems, and I encourage you to try it.

Also, I know you are getting ill watching him and his relationship with his daughter, but this isn't your fault. You have tried to prevent this from happening. All you can do is your best. Unfortunately, when we "try" it isn't always going to be the answer that we want. It's so frustrating! Try to do something to offset the illness coming over you..your health is really important.

Bests,
Candice

Persephone's picture

Submitted by Persephone on Tue, 02/06/2007 - 4:47pm

Let him know that his physical actions could be interpeted as sexual abuse and he had better knock it off. It is weird since most BF are aware of the boundries you need to set with tweens and teen girls.

My SD-15 hangs on DH like a 5yr old-- even in public. I put a stop to that right away... I told him that her behavior is inappropriate for a young lady. He didin't get it until we were at a wedding and she clung (abnormally and excessively) to him and cut in on our dances... well there you go.. I flitted off and hung with friends and family.. if he wanted her as a date.. he got it. When friends and family asked what was up since they noticed her behavior--- I knew I wasn't imagining things. This is real... I think some teen girls with low self esteem experiment with their sexuality with their father. FREUDIAN for sure.

sheila's picture

Submitted by sheila on Tue, 02/06/2007 - 7:04pm

i would love to get him to a therapist....but it won't happen. He does not have any interest in them. Thinks he already knows everything and as long as he can stay in denial, he doesn't have to actually deal with anything. I am just at wits end. I know sometimes i let too much get to me, but i love him and i can see through her crap. i can see how she is manipulating him and putting on this miss good two shoes front when in fact she has no friend base and a reputation of being "easy". He would never believe this if I painted the proof in the sky.

I am so grateful for this site. Days are long and cold this time of year and being cooped up doesn't help. Maybe i could buy her some snowshoes and send her on her merry way.

Realist's picture

Submitted by Realist on Tue, 02/06/2007 - 11:46pm

Smile I really felt for you reading your comments. I question why she is doing this - I think it's to provoke you. She's got daddy wrapped around her finger. Leave them to it. When you see them getting all cosy- leave the room. If he asks you about it tell him frankly that you don't think their relationship is healthy - but she's his daughter and if that's the way he wants it, so be it.

I was looking at houses about 6 months ago with my husband and his 8 year old daughter was hanging off him like a baby monkey. It was impossible to have an adult conversation with him while she's cooing "dadda...dadda...dadda...." I told him that I don't do grown-up activities with babies and they can go and have their love fest on their own.

What about having a chat with HER? Tell her you're onto her and let her no it's no competition - she can have him! You're his wife - something she'll never be. He's with you by choice, her by a fluke of biology Wink