HELP - Can't decided if it's worth sticking around
I've been with my fiancee for 2 year now and he had a 8 year old son. I knew this from the begining and was ok with it. At first things were amazing but than once things started getting serious and I fell in love with him and things just started getting crazy.
The main reason was his ex, she's a mother of 4 (all different fathers) and thinks because she's a single mom the world owes her. My financee didn't even know he had a son until 4 years ago when he came out to visit and he saw his ex and he saw his son and knew right than and there that he was his (they look very much alike). His ex had been cheating on him with someone when his son was concived so she thought he was the other guys kid. Don't even get me started on that. just to give some background on the ex, she's a recovering drug addict, can't hold down a job, has been on welfare for 10 years (since her oldest was born), has had the cops over on numerous occasions because of domestic violance and so on...
Well my fiancee moved out of the state he was living in and moved to be closer to his son and to be a dad to him. Well that's when the ex started making all sorts of demands on his time. Will you help me move, will you take all th kids so I can get some time alone. will you pick up groceries when droping off the kids etc...and he was ok with it because he wasn't in a relationship but than along came me.
At first I didn't really notice all the things that he did for her...than came moving day, he took a day off of work to help her move because she had no one to help her and no money, well he was gone from 12PM to 12AM! Fine I let that one slide, I also let the fact that he was constantly picking up the kids in the morning to take the kids to school (all of them) because their mom was to lazy to get up and walk them to the bus stop. I let it go that when we had plans she'd call up and dump all the kids off on my fiancee or to pick her up because her car wasn't working etc...
The last straw was when she was going into labor with her youngest and she stopped by my fiancees to drop all three kids off! What the heck!
That's just some of the background. The problem I'm having is that about 2 months agao she called my fiancee at work crying that her ex wouldn't leave her place and she was scared etc... my fiancee called me about it right after he got off the phone with her and I told him to go over because his son and the other kids were there.
Well when he got there it seems she'd gotten back together with the father of her youngest and they'd been smoking pot and gotten into an argument that ended up getting physical on both sides. My fiancee called the police and they were both cited with domestic violence tickets.
Well to make a long story short she freaked out and moved out of state leaving custody of the son to my fiancee but now she's out of state and won't sign the final paperwork. It seems she's now saying that I'm not a fit person to be around her son. That makes me so ANGRY. Her son is in the 2nd grade and couldn't read, had issues with skin rashes because of stress and so many other issues. I'm the one who contacted his teacher to find out what to do about getting him caught up (he missed 2.5 weeks of school in less than 2 months when with his mom). His teacher emails me weekly on his progress which she says is amazing. He does homework every night. I take him to activities and get him from daycare when his dad works. His rash is gone and he's doing amazingly.
Now she's saying lies such as I yell at him and am mean to him etc... It was tough when she lived in the same state and I thought it would get better once she moved but it hasn't - is it really worth all this drama?
Not only that but I haven't been able to get any time with my fiancee in months now because we've now got a 8 year old living with us. I know that's what happens when you ave kids but I miss time with my fiancee and feel like we are drifting. Any advice on all of this would be greatly appreciated.
I just need to know if it's just worth trying to make things work - I love m fiancee but can this really work. No alone time and a psycho ex?
First I would like to say
First I would like to say that you are great and that you seem to be handling the situation with a lot of grace. Second, sometimes too much information is not good. You may want to minimize contact with her except if she has questions re: her son. Its sounds simple, but try to not stoop to her level and engage yourself in whatever she is doing or saying. In you trying to make a decision, none of your issues seemed to involve your fiance. Assess the man you have and love and then make a decision on your relationship and the new addition (8yr old) that it has brought. This is your opportunity to see if he is a good father and in turn will be one to your future children. Use the tools that you have in your own home to make a decision about what you should do. Also, it would be nice to talk to someone about raising children in general so that you have support re: the positive things to anticipate in your relationship and your new family unit. You can always tune the ex out on the outside and in turn use that energy to work through your new situation with your fiance. You cannot control her or what she says-- but you can control yourself and how you feel. Take back that control.
I would also like to say
I would also like to say good on you. Sad that the most special time with your new man had been invaded but it sounds to me like you have saved this little man from a pretty scary life with BM. My SS has a mum who is not a druggie or a loser but quite the opposite, she is a high class snob and has no time for her son due to her huge social agenda but at the end of the day it's the same abuse. Get back in the vibe with your man and let him know that this can all work out if you stand together as one and only with you 2 as a strong unity can you make a better world for this little fella. You've all got to be happy, you too, not just the child. Good luck with BM, but like the post before says, ignore her threats and take it up in court. After all you have him and she has to prove herself fit and you unfit to take him back, and it's not you with the police call outs to your name. Best wishes.
Sad SM.
Yes, it can.
If you are totally committed to loving him and loving his child, regardless (or maybe in spite of!) the child's mother, then it can definitely work. It won't always be pretty and there won't always be YOU time or US time, but that would be true if he were your biological son, as well. The important thing is to take time to connect, even if it's just for a few minutes each day, and to really listen to each other. It'll be trying, but it'll also be very rewarding. You see the progress this child is making, you know it's due largely in part to YOUR efforts... doesn't that make you feel great?! Like with anything, there will be good and there will be bad, but that's true of every life.
~ Anne ~
Ladies and gentlemen, take my advice: Pull down your pants and slide on the ice! -M*A*S*H (Sidney Freedman to the OR staff on dealing with stress)
No
in my view, and I'm thinking of my girlfriend who has a grandchild and the mother is a druggie stripper. For reals, long story but when her son found out she advised him to let it go. He was married and they got into an argument and cheated. But now that this child is older he has been raised in that environment, and it just doesn't mix. My girlfriend doesn't even consider him a grandson or anything and while its not his fault no one wants that (drugs, mother,) in their home. Years later it turned out her son made a huge mistake, and as weird as it sounds he is still married but of course the wife doesn't want anything to do with this kid either.
I just see you will regret it down the road, especially since your bf had the poor judgement to be with someone like this. I'm just afraid y ou'll encounter the same problems so you may want to try and look ahead and remember this child will probably be raised in that environment and STATISTICS are not good there. Either you guys get full custody or you may decide its not worth it. But I would tell bf what your thinking, and if he wants to continue to be an enabler to this woman then I would find someone else.
Want it to work I really do...
but it's so much harder than I thought it would be and I feel horrible when I get frustrated that his constantly has to ask "what" or "tell me" when I say something to his dad. I know he just wants to be involved and included but I can only answer that question a few hundred times in a day before I want to scream.
The ex has gotten better about not calling my fiancee as much as she use to. Now if she'd only get it through her head that he's not going to be doing any favors for her and she'd stop threatening to move back up and get full custody life might be a little easier to handle.
I'm wondering if I just need to get away from it all for a long weekend and recharge. I'd love to be able to spend some "us" time with my fiancee but I'm not holding my breath on that one. We haven't even been able to set a date yet because everything is so "hectic"