What to do???

Forums:

Here goes:

I have been with my husband for almost ten years. We have a dauther who is 8yrs and a son who is 3 1/2 yrs. He was married before and has two other daughters (my stepkids), Courtney is 13yrs and Lindsey is almost 11yrs. They have lived with their mother since their parents seperated and see us every other weekend and more in the summer and holidays. Their mother remarried about 5yrs ago. Their mother and I have not had the best relationship, and its not from a lack of trying. You see, I was a step child myself and have tried to do everything I could to make the girls feel wanted and welcome when they are with us. Their mother, on the other hand, has attempted to cause a divison by telling them that their brother and sister (my two kids) are not their real brother and sister. She has refused to recoginize my two childrens birthdays, but has expected that we all get together to celebrate her children's birthdays. She would always come to dinner with us when my inlaws would come to town, and at the same time ignore me and treat me like I didn't exist. So much has happened with her and my husband and I have had counseling because of how this has affected our relationship. He would take her side a lot and I would always feel isloated and alone. Anyway, the tables have turned and here's how:
My two step children have accussed their step father of some in appropriate things and are now living with us. Not sexual abuse, but mental abuse- so much so that they are afraid of him. As much as they love their mother, they do not want to see their step dad, again. Their mother is refusing to believe the things that they are saying and is trying to get her husband back into the picture (he has to leave on the weekends that she keeps the kids). Although I have sympathy for their situation, I do know that some of the things the girls have said are true. However, my two step children are disrespectful and mean to my two biological kids (especially the 13yr old). The oldest is now mentally abusing my 8yr old by calling her names that her step dad used to call her (fat, ugly and stupid). My husband refuses to see it, and will not discipline her. He feels guilty for what the girls have gone through. I hate to say it, but these girls have the upper hand now and my two bio kids are suffering. I am starting to not believe some of the things that they have said about their step dad. Help! Can someone give me some advice? I am afraid that this is going to destroy my marriage and hurt my two children. We can't even trust the 13yr old to babysit. We have to hire someone to watch her too. She also hits the other kids and then yells "I did not hit her"! Anytime I bring this up to my husband he accuses me of acting like the kids and starts calling me stupid and vidictive. I feel trapped and emotional worn out. Does anyone think these girls should be allowed to act this way and that my own husband should treat me this way? Do they have a right to dictate when their step dad can be at his own house? What is going on here? Please help!

Wow your husband calls you

Stupid? I think that is verbal abuse. Pretty soon you will start to believe this. Well the only thing I can say is call the BM and talk to her about what is going on in your home with your children. Sounds to me like maybe they are the ones who are verbally abusive. Talk to your husband and tell him that you are starting to resent him for his lack of parenting these two girls. Also you might want to know that they will certainly be so out of control in another year or two unless someone takes the upper hand with them now. If he does not want to discipline the older two then I would make sure that they are not around your children at all. He is in denial of parenting because #1. he feels guilty for his divorce and not raising them, 2. because they said they have been abused. 3. because he is probably not to sure how to handle the situation out of feelings of he does not want to hurt them. I can only speculate these things. but last resort would be to tell him that he either does something to protect your children you have together or you will leave for awhile. See how he likes taking care of them on his own. Sit down and talk to both girls. Tell them you are done and that this is your home, you are the adult. Threaten them with "Girls School" Juvie" anything you can and let them know that you love them. they may be feeling rejected seriously. I dunno just a few things off the top of my head..
I wish you luck.
Happy

" make sure you tell the people you love most EVERYDAY.. Its important not only for them to know but for you to tell.. Life is to short to be miserable..

Thanks for your opinion; I

Thanks for your opinion; I do appreciate it. I feels so alone and depressed right now over this one. I have talked to the girls unitl I am blue in the face. They will say they understand to your face and then they will go off again. The 13yr old is way out of control, and I can't take much more of it. Did you ever know a 13yr old girl to hit her younger sisters? She is constantly looking for something to get mad over. The youngest is a manipulator. She will lie and nothing is ever her fault. An example: two years ago she shows up at our house with glasses. She was complaining of headaches and telling her Mom that she wanted glasses. She told me that she wanted the glasses and didn't really need them. I didn't think anything of it. Now, she is living with us and not wearing her glasses to school and the nurse called me to tell me that she needs her glasses. I have to go and get her another eye exam (per school nurses orders), even though her mother got her one this past January. The nurse said that she cannot see with her glasses. Her mother called and told me that she has been lying about what she can and can't see on the eye exam and that she did this to get the glasses in the beginning. Her mother said that the doctor pulled her aside and told her that her daughter was probably lying on her eye exam to get glasses and that he would go ahead and give her a weak prescripton if that was okay. Well, my husband's ex agreed! I would have told my daughter no way. That's teaching her to lie to get what she wants! Now, she's lying about what she can see because she wants contacts! What a mess I am in. I have to take her to the eye doc tomorrow. The girl probably doesn't even need glasses. The 13yr old just walked in and slammed the door...... My husband says that he is going to make her move out of her room and room with the other girls, because of her mouth. He's not home yet, but she said that she isn't going to do it, no matter what he does. No respect!

Stupid??????

Stupid??? Isn't that what the Step dad was calling the girls??? It's verbal abuse for him to call the girls stupid and it's verbal abuse for your husband to call you stupid..In no way shape or form do you have to tolerate YOUR CHILDREN being abused or mistreated in their own home!! Hubby feels so sorry for what his older girls have gone through that he is allowing them to perpetrate it onto his younger children.. Unacceptable!!

Sounds like maybe DH needs to move out with his darling daughters...

Yes, that's what the step

Yes, that's what the step dad calls them, so I do feel like it is not entirely their fault. At the same time, I have to protect my own kids. When I tell my husband this, he tells me that "it's your kids against my kids". Now, all four are his bio kids, but it doesn't feel like it. He gives special attention to the other two. I am sorry, but he can't understand that I have to protect my own kids. I don't want to cause a division. I would rather we all live in harmony, but he has to put his foot down and earn some respect. He does call me names when he says that I push him to the edge, but that is no excuse. I feel isolated and rejected for taking up for my two kids and speaking my mind. I don't know this may tear us apart. Meanwhile, what is your opinion about the step dad having to leave his own house on the weekends that they are there?

U asked for advice so here is my 2 cents

Ok for everyone who is familiar with me, I like to take items one step at a time, and I am very concise, so if that offends you let me apologize in advance. Obviously NONE of us are subject matter experts, but their are some areas that are sometimes so close to us that soemone else can see another perspective, I just also wanted to say that as well.

You say:
has attempted to cause a divison by telling them that their brother and sister (my two kids) are not their real brother and sister. She has refused to recoginize my two childrens birthdays,

I ask:
My hubby and I also have kids in our home, and my skids mother would also advise the kids either 1. they are not your sisters, 2. they are your half/step etc...this did use to bother me and I guess it bothered me more so because it hurt my feelings because someone else was saying MY Family was not a family. AND THEN I came to the conclusion, how freaking stupid is that! My existence on planet earth will not and won't be determined by someone else's perspective of me and mine. Don't get me wrong I am not saying your feelings may not have been HURT, but why do you care whether or not the EX WIFE counts your kids as siblings to her 2 kids, and honestly SHE CAN DO WHATEVER SHE WANTS WITH HER KIDS IN HER HOME. Now as long as she is not marching in your front lawn with a sign that is disrupting your family she can do whatever she wants, is it right? Of course not, but what difference does it make? She is obviously nuts right? The solution, hubby and I sat all 4 kids down and told them that WE are a family, our family is not defined by others expectations of family, and it doesn't matter what anyone else says INCLUDING their mother, this is their family. We left it at that. Second part, she doesn't honor your kids birthdays that are not hers, this basically can be summed up with, AND????? So is it not your kids b-days because a woman who has nothing to do with them says so? Please, I am sure that you are the type of mom who makes a huge event out of the kids b-days so why do you care that the EX WIFE is not in attendance or doesn't recgonize the kids bdays? She never will so put that aside.
Look you have to understand, YOU and YOUR HUBBY have 4 kids, EX WIFE has 2, she doesn't have to recognize your kids at all. Silly? YES but she doesn't.

You say:
but has expected that we all get together to celebrate her children's birthdays.

I ask: ok then if you don't want to be there DONT GO, if hubby is in agreement with you then nobody goes, and you all do your family bday time with the bday child when you have them. Let MOM do her thing and YOU and YOURS do your thing, easily solved. Is she kicking down your front door and kidnaping you to this event? Probably not, so don't go.

You said:
She would always come to dinner with us when my inlaws would come to town, and at the same time ignore me and treat me like I didn't exist

I ask:
Unless BM has ESP somebody is telling her when and where dinner is. CANT nobdoy show up unless somebody is telling BM this info. IF it's you and/or HUBBY then u need to stop telling her if you don't want her there, if it's the in-laws, sit them down with hubby and say to them that you all are uncomfortable having dinner with EX WIFE, although you all realize that they might not have those same feelings you would like it if they would respect your wishes and not INVITE her to your family's dinner and to have a dinner date on their on with EX-WIFE, how is that unreasonable? AND if it's the kids telling BM then STOP telling the kids, when you get ready to leave the house they will then know where you all are going.

Ok now on to your second paragraph:
IF any form of abuse has happened to the kids, they need professional assistance, unless you and or dad are licensed in that field I don't think either of you are capable of diagnosing or NOT diagnosing a problem. AND if it was emotional that is even more important because a professional has got to go deep in order to get emotional abuse to the surface. WHATEVER happened at BIO MOMS house can ease BM head of doubt, give BIO DAD answers, and give the kids support by just seeking professional care. People who abuse normally never see their actions as abuse, so Step DAD will never FESS UP to what he did or did not do to the kids. Unless he was caught redhanded on video tape.
If they have been abused they are crying out for HELP, the problem wasn't solved by just changing addresses, it's still there. I would be acting out too if it seemed no one saw that I needed HELP, and you all don't see it.

You asked:
Do they have a right to dictate when their step dad can be at his own house? What is going on here? Please help!

I ask:
First off who is THEY? Is that the state, the kids, some other service, who is they?
Now if it's the state, of course they do, they are investigating allegations against a child, the perpetrator cannot remain around the kids until that is cleared up.
If it's the kids, well you know, CAN THEY MAKE SOMEONE DO ANYTHING, well of course that answer is no, they can't make noone do anything BUT as a MOM yourself, you are telling me that if one of your kids said UNCLE TIMMY has been doing mean things to me, you would still allow your kids around Uncle Timmy? I don't think you would, so any parent on any allegation that can proved or not, for the sake of their child would not have their kids around that person, if BM did nothing else right UNTIL she knows otherwise I am GLAD she did that.

I hopes some of this info helps, and isn't sounding like ORDERS because it truly is JUST MY OPINION.

"Be there for the joy. Be there for the tears. Be there for each other."
(Step-Mom the Movie 1998)

Its time to take charge.

Children can only rule and misbehave if we as the adults let them. So take your house back. Let these kids know that you are not going to stand for there behavior anymore. Take away computer, games, basically take away there life and let them know that until they can behave like they are suppose to they have nomore luxuries. Its BullSh*t. Take a stance and if your husband cannot back you then he has some serious parenting issues, and husband issues.
Take your life back, and not only for you but for your bio childrens sake.
And do not budge on anything. IF they hit you call the police. they are pushing the limits because they know that noone will do anything about it. Also for the girl who lied to get glasses, make sure you get her the biggest ugliest pair and make her wear them until she comes clean with you and the school about not not needing them and her lies.

Happy